Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Ballad Of Hunter (The Seven-Year-Old Boy Accused Of Sexual Harassment)

Did you hear about that seven-year-old kid in Colorado who was suspended from school for kissing his female classmate on the hand? For some reason I think of the song El Paso by Marty Robbins when I think about Hunter's Story:

Hunter's a student in a grade school in Colorado
He made the mistake of kissing a GIRL
His little classmate and he were on a playground
She giggled and gave her hair a twirl

He kissed the hand of the young maiden
The two of them were just seven years old
Hunter said that they were boyfriend and girlfriend
Their classmates saw this and their blood runneth cold

They squawked and squealed on little Hunter
Off to the pricipal's office he was se......nn....nnn....nnnt
We'll suspend you from school you little monster
The kid was charged with SEXUAL HARASSMENT

This isn't how boys are supposed to act in Colorado
If it was 'same sex' it would then be just fine
But you kissed a girl and that is a no-no
Showing affection here is crossing the line

Hunter must serve a good, long suspension
We must now rob him of his joy
Next thing we know he will go rape somebody
We have to stop him from being a boy

The liberal teachers want to teach Hunter a lesson
Don't you ever kiss a young grrr--rrr--rrr---rrrlll
Or we'll throw you out of this school
We warn you, don't give it a whirl

There's three assistants to the left of Hunter 
and a school psychologist on the right
saying 'We will call your Mom to our office, Buster.'
You are in really big trouble, get out of our sight

Before young Hunter is to serve his suspension
He sees teardrops running down his girl's cheeks
He says 'The liberal weirdos cannot hurt our friendship
Just one kiss and....

See you in.......two.....weeks....'









Sunday, December 29, 2013

Sock Puppet Monkey Disarmed (Situation Averted)

A potentially dangerous situation was averted at The Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport last week, as 7-year-old Ralphy Jacobson tried to sneak his little sock puppet through airport security.

The sock puppet monkey had a little holster with tiny gun accessories.

Luckily, intrepid TSA Agent Ahmed Al-Alalal-Alal spotted the weapons, and alerted airport police. He explains:

His mom and dad were having their luggage inspected, and I noticed the offending toy monkey with what looked like tiny guns in the little holster. He should have known about our zero-tolerance policy.

I calmly called an airport cop, who inspected the gun-shaped toys. He told the boy to 'drop the monkey', and step away.

The boy seemed confused, so the cop yelled louder. The boy dropped his little monkey, and it looked like he was about to start crying. His parents gave the cop a dirty glare, then comforted their son.

We disposed of the tiny, gun-shaped accessories, and took the monkey. Chances are, it's in our no-no box, full of shampoos and stuff. One of our agents will probably take it home.

Come to think of it, that little sock puppet would make a great Christmas present.



Valerie Jarrett Looks Forward To 2014

It is that time of year when we look forward to the upcoming year, and we thought there would be no one better to tell the American people what to expect in 2014 than Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett:

On Election Night 2012, The President told his supporters that 'The best is yet to come.' I told you that soon 'there will be hell to pay,' for all our enemies. In 2014, both statements will come true.

We are fundamentally transforming America in much the same way I 'fundamentally transformed' Grove Parc Plaza. Soon, America will look like a bombed-out ghetto.

We have gutted the funding for America's veterans, and soon we will have Amnesty for 20,000,000 illegal immigrants. This means that we Democrats will own the country forever and ever and ever. We are persecuting and purging Christians from the military, and will soon have our 'national civilian security force' to do whatever Barack wants.

Obamacare will be enforced even if it crumbles under it's own weight. Millions upon millions of Americans are having their healthcare plans cancelled by those 'crooked' insurance companies. Millions more are having their hours cut back by their eeeevil employers. Our Obamacare 'navigators' are 'helping' the people sign up for this monstrosity.....uh....I mean....program.

We won't guarantee that your information will be safe. Maybe what everybody needs is an RFID microchip implanted in your wrist or forehead.

Soon, all of you will be wards of the state, dependent on Medicaid.

The administration snooped on The American People with The NSA, and harassed our opponents using The IRS. We sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers and lied about what happened in Benghazi. Those establishment Republican eunuchs won't do anything to stop us!

OUR government schools are teaching your little crumb-crunchers that Barack Obama is 'The Messiah.' and to be compliant little government Obots, willing to surrender all their freedoms for an Obamaphone.

Now, all this is already known, but The Obama Regime has some exciting news for you in 2014.

We will begin work on a $634,000,000 Sphinx, dedicated to King Barry. We're thinking about demolishing The Washington Memorial to make room.

We're planning to discontinue The Gregorian Calender, and replace it with The Obama Calender. The new months will be Obamuary, Obruary, Obarch, Obpril, Obay, Obune, Obuly, Obgust, Obtember, Obtober, Obvember, and Obcember.

In 2013, we closed veteran memorials. In 2014, we replace The World War 2 Memorial with The Statue of The Part-Time Worker. We will replace The Statue of Liberty with The Statue of 'Julia'.

We will replace all the American flags in the White House with Islamic prayer rugs.

There are rumors that we will be opening FEMA prison camps in 2014. I just want to re-assure The American People that this is just a rumor. For now.

But first, we have to figure out how to take away your guns.










Sunday, December 22, 2013

Sister Mary Knuckles: CommieCore Is Satan's Lesson Plan

And now, Our Faith and Religion Correspondent is here to share somes thoughts on the new federal CommonCore educational standards. Take it away, Sister Mary Knuckles:

God bless, you snickering little rodent reporter.

CommieCore is the new national educational standards, brought to America by the spirit of Anti-Christ himself. Little children are mandated to sing the praises of the mulatto Marxist creep in The White House. In one perverse, wicked textbook, Barack Hussein Obama is referred to as 'THE MESSIAH.'

To people of faith, it is deeply blasphemous.

If he's The Messiah, then my fellow Catholics pray to Mother Madalyn Murray O' Hare. God forgive us.

Someone should inform these un-American weirdos that normal Americans don't worship their politicians. The last time I checked, this wasn't North Korea. We defeated Hitler and opposed the commies, and now America is indoctrinating her young people in the same, sickening manner.

In another lesson plan straight from Hell, children learn that the government is always right and must always be obeyed.

Tell that to the Native Americans who experienced the 'trail of tears.' I suggest that educators check out the new book by Glenn Beck 'Miracles And Massacres.' then tell me if you STILL believe the government is always right.

It's time to scrap CommieCore, and let people control their own education locally.

Until then, put your Satan-worshipping hands on your desk so I can smack 'em bloody, you bureaucrat bastards.






Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Red Forman: Pajama Boy Needs A Kick In The Ass


Our strange, unamerican President has introduced normal America to 'Pajama Boy', a smirking, onesie-wearing hipster-douche in a new effort to sell ObamaCare to young people.

Our correspondent Red Forman is here for some insight concerning this development:

What can I say? I carried a really big gun in Korea, and this effeminate douche can barely lift his tiny cup of cocoa with both hands. This jerk-off must have Carpel-Tunnel Syndrome.

Apparently, our president believes that this will be an effective way to sell Obamacare to the young people. I'm starting to get REALLY concerned for the future of this country if this is what the leader of the free world thinks of our young people.

In this weird ad, Pajama Boy advises Americans to 'wear pajamas', 'drink some hot chocolate', and 'talk' about health care. I wonder if this knucklehead has ever had a job, or ever crawls out of his pillow-fort.

He probably thinks that being an annoying onesie-wearing weirdo is a full-time job.

I can just imagine Christmas dinner with this doofus. My all-American wife, Kitty has cooked a kick-ass dinner, and I'm kicking back with Cousin Bob and his son Sluggo who's home from Iraq....

 ....and this annoying jack-ass in his jammies hijacks the conversation. He wants free healthcare. He has a crush on Barry.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. I tell him to go sit at the kid's table, while us ADULTS discuss the real-life HORRORS of Obamacare.

I thought my son Eric was an idiot. My son Eric looks like Douglas MacArthur compared to this insipid weirdo.

Pajama Boy needs a kick in the ass. That's all for now.





Monday, December 16, 2013

Congratulations To Politifact's Liar Of The Year

Congratulations to President Barack H. Obama, winner of Politifact's 'Lie of the Year' award. The biggest liar of them all said "If you like your health plan, you will be able to keep it."






Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that Obama deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Exclusive: The Fake Sign Language Interpreter Was Telling THE TRUTH

Following President Obama's speech at The Nelson Mandela Memorial, people noticed that the sign language interpreter standing next to The President wasn't signing what Obama was 'saying'. To the trained eye, it was just gibberish.

However, we here at The RedSquirrel Report have made a shocking discovery. We have learned that the interpreter was a member of a tribe in South Africa who speak ONLY in this secret sign language. This tribe without a name also are experts in mind-reading, capable of seeing through the spoken word. They know EXACTLY what a speaker is really saying.

Our resident code-breaker has deciphered this secret sign language, and we now know what President Obama actually said:


Thank you........thanks......sit down, please.......A woman in section 24D row 14 just fainted. Give her some space....Thanks.

We are here to honor a great man. ME!

Seriously, though. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned by an evil white government in South Africa for 27 hellish years. I too have spent a considerable amount of time surrounded by criminals in a seething hive of evil-doers. We call this place The United States Senate.

Nelson Mandela was released, and we honor him because he DID NOT KILL the white devils who imprisoned him. He didn't sic The IRS or The NSA against them. He gave up terrorism. Mandela was a saint.


In fact, he and wife Winny gave NECKLACES to his enemies.

In many ways, the democracy Mandela created in South Africa is the envy of the world. But there again, he didn't have to deal with FOX NEWS.

Right wing racist meanies like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are still a threat to race relations worldwide, so we still have a long way to go. I have 'hope and change' as well as 'dreams from my father' that keep me going.

Meanwhile, rampaging Black youths in America avenge America's Jim Crow tradition by targeting elderly white victims. The law calls it 'assault'. We call it 'The Knock-out Game.' Tomato tomado.


It's a shame that many white American racists wouldn't vote for me, so my team had to steal the 2012 election. I was forced to disenfranchise our military voters serving overseas, using to IRS to harass our enemies, as we engaged in rampant vote fraud.

Recently, racist country artists Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley made fun of my greatest achievement, Obamacare, on The CMAs. Contemporary Country Music is the new White Power Movement.

We cannot wallow in hate. I have a dream that one day little, brainwashed children will be mandated by the state to proclaim ME as their messiah in government schools....

Oh wait! That day is already here! Thanks, CommonCore!

Racist White Latino George Zimmerman gunned down unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin. I often wonder what Nelson Mandela would have thought about Zimmerman. I believe that Mandela would have forgiven him, put a tire around him, then set him on fire.

Well, that's my time. I have some 'selfies' to commemorate this occasion. Peace out!









Thursday, December 12, 2013

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Pepperidge Farm Remembers The Knock-Out Game

The American people are being subjected to a new wave of black-on-white crime the perpetrators refer to as 'The Knock-Out Game'.

The game goes like this: As the white person, usually elderly, is walking along, the gang sends one of their cohorts to confront their prey, then strike him or her as hard as they can. It seems the idea is to make the victim lose consciousness.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it? The perpetrators give this activity a name that makes assault almost seem recreational.

Now it looks like some people are fighting back, as these thugs are running into armed citizens.

One such American is 85-year-old Hiram Higgenbotham. Here is his account:

Thanks, Red.

I remember it just like it was only yesterday. I was walking home after buying a Pepperidge Farm Coconut 3-Layer Cake at the corner grocery store, when suddenly this young colored fella jumped from around the corner.

I saw 7 or 8 other colored whippersnappers egging him on.

Now, I have heard about 'The Knock-Out Game' for several weeks, so I went and bought a pistol. I took gun training, so I was good and prepared for this situation.

I showed this thug my gun, and said, 'You better get lost before I bust a cap in your ass, punk.' He and his friends ran away, and I walked home and enjoyed my Pepperidge Farm Coconut 3-Layer Cake.

Pepperidge Farm Remembers.

 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

So I Was Watching TPT's Almanac Friday Night....

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was watching Almanac on Twin Cities Public TV, and checked out the Cathy Wurzer and Eric Escola interview of local author Kate DeCamillo.

The author has written a new book entitled Flora And Ulysses, a story about a girl and a typewriting squirrel.

A typewriting squirrel? Sounds vaguely familiar.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Twelve Days Of Christmas (Obama Re-Mix)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....twelve 'Knock-Out Game' thugs a 'beatin'

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....eleven NSA agents spying on my family.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....ten dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....nine IRS agents a' harassin'.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....eight illegal aliens demanding amnesty

On the seventh day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....seven Islamic extremist threats

On the sixth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....six freaky Obama Czars

On the fifth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....five election day fraudsters

On the fourth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....four MSNBC hosts calling me a racist

On the third day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....three liars lying

On the second day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....two cancelled health care plans

On the first day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....one more city declaring bankruptcy

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Santa: Obama Is Getting A Reindeer Turd In His Stocking

Last week, our RedSquirrel Report correspondent made his yearly visit to The North Pole, only to find jolly St. Nick in an uncharacteristic foul mood. Santa had this to say:

"Because of sugarplum numb nuts Obama, I've had to cut my elf's hours. That maniacal jerk has caused the first work slow-down in our history!

I know when you're naughty or nice, Beyotch. Between gun-running to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, cancelling millions of health plans, and deserting our boys in Benghazi, I'm thinking about dumping a great big reindeer turd in your presidential stocking.

That also goes for anybody with an 'Obama/Biden' sticker on their car.

I'm also a little torqued-off at Rush Limbaugh. After Election Day 2012, he went on his radio program and compared Obama and ME! What the HELL?!

I may know when you're naughty or nice, but I'm not the creep using The NSA to violate your right to privacy!  I give toys to good boys and girls, while Prez Creepy gives out goodies and Obamacare exemptions to his cronys and supporters.

Also, I don't remember giving f-16's and other weapons to maniacs like Morsi in Egypt.

My dentist, Hermie, is thinking about leaving dentistry because of Obamacare. He may have to come back to the toy shop, even though he does NOT want to make toys"

We're sending our correspondent to The White House on Christmas Eve to find out if Saint Nick does dump a reindeer turd in the president's stocking. Stay tuned.



Sunday, December 1, 2013

An Idea For Conceal And Carry Proponents

In the state of Minnesota, our Obamacare exchange is called MNSure, and those folks are using Minnesota's very own Paul Bunyan in some of their ridiculous ads.

Conceal and carry is a hot-button issue here in Minnesota, so this bushy-tailed correspondent would like to see proponents should use THIS guy for some TV ads.



MSNBC's 2016 Prime-Time Schedule

In a couple of years....

Chris Matthews 'Hardball' will stay in the Weekday 7:00 time slot. 'Hardball' is like our never-ending 7:00 service at The Church of The Jug-Eared Commie. Just Lean forward, and kneel before the TV.

At 8:00, pencil-necked hipster Chris Hayes will get pummeled nightly in the ratings, until his program is moved to Sunday. After that, our
very own race-baiting buffoon Al Sharpton will move into the 8:00 time slot, where 'the reverend' will be a' hatin' on all those tea-baggin' honkys and Jews....

The Rachel Maddow Show will be moved to the 9:00 time slot. This move was made a year ago after Mr. Maddow was roundly slaughtered in the ratings by her more attractive competitor on that other cable news channel.

Saturday:

We will move psychotic misogynist Martin Bashir to The Saturday 7:00 time slot. Remember when Bashir suggested that somebody should defecate in former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's mouth? 

Ooooh, now THAT'S the in-depth, insightful commentary we provide here at MSNBC.

Then, the intellectual soul of MSNBC Toure' sits in for Ed Schultz at 8:00, who's on another hiatus for his insulting, hateful remarks towards conservatives.

We're not sure if our unhinged homophobe Alec Baldwin will show up for his 9:00 show. He might be somewhere, assaulting a reporter. 

As for Sundays, where we experience our highest ratings, we are thinking about filling your TV screen with color bars.

That's all for now. Lean Forward.

Friday, November 22, 2013

The President's Thanksgiving Address To America 2013

My fellow Americans,

As you get together with your family and enjoy your Thanksgiving turkey, I would like to take this time to make a few suggestions about what every American should be thankful for.

When you bow your heads, be thankful for Obamacare. Thanks to me, millions of Americans will get free healthcare, and no one will be denied life-saving care even if they suffer from a pre-existing condition.

Your President would appreciate it if you call your Republican congressmen and women and demand that they support Obamacare. It's their obstruction that puts my agenda in peril.

It's not fair that some folks will do anything to harm my legacy. Need I remind my critics that I won re-election last year, and I get to do anything I want.

For all you college students, I made your education affordable. All I ask is that you remind your right-wing parents of this fact as you're passing the cranberries. Go to my website Organizing For Action. com for official talking points before heading home for the holidays.

My website will arm you with THE TRUTH in case your relatives try to 'get up in your face.'

After dinner, chances are that your family will want to watch some football. I suggest you tell grandpa that you believe that The Washington Redskins REALLY SHOULD change their racially-insensitive team nickname.

To everyone at General Motors who would like to thank me for saving the auto industry, I say, 'You're welcome.'

Many of you may be wondering if there are a few things that your god-like President might be thankful for:

I am thankful for low-information voters and the lying suck-ups in the state-run media.

Also, I am thankful for my friends in The IRS who harassed conservatives while I stole the election.

I also want to give a special shout-out to MSNBC host Martin Bashir who has offered to 'feed' Sarah Palin.

I am also very thankful for insanely corrupt and mentally unhinged control freak politicians here in DC. I wouldn't have been able to achieve my father's dream without these morally defective maniacs.

Gobble, gobble.

Your Dear Leader, President Barack H. Obama.








Thursday, November 21, 2013

The More You Know (Martin Bashir Edition)

Suggesting that someone should defecate into somebody else's mouth is not normal....



....even if you're a host of a cable news program that nobody watches.



Suggesting that someone should defecate into somebody else's mouth is REALLY, REALLY sick. If you have some uncontrollable desire to blurt out something this sick and bizarre to your 400 viewers, it may be a sign that you need help.



Tuesday, November 19, 2013

And Now, Another Word From Our Sponsor

I liked my health plan before Obamacare happened. Now, my boss tells me that our employee plan is cancelled, and I know lots of people who will be paying a lot more for their health insurance.




Obamacare. Even a caveman knows that it's a terrible law. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Hosurance: A Commentary By Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles



Today, we welcome back our Faith and Religion correspondent, Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles, with this commentary on the new Obamacare 'ho-surance' ad. Take it away, Sis:

God bless. Good day to you, you mischievous, snickering little red rodent.

The moral degenerates at The Obama regime and their heathen allies have rolled out a new ad campaign designed get all you little millennial rabbits to sign up for that ungodly rip-off, Obamacare.

While that psychotic witch Kathleen Sebelius lies about that cyberspace nightmare healthcare.gov, a new ad in Colorado promises free contraception for young whores. In the ad, a wide-eyed young miss has her naughty parts all-excited because she has her handy birth control pills paid for by the taxpayer.

My God, this slut looks like she's possessed.

Our little Kenyan dictator is busy, destroying the morals of this country, and his gang of communist weirdos from hell are sodomizing taxpayer AND freeloader alike.

So, this is why he has been harassing Christians all along. These Alinskyite maniacs hate and laugh at decency, and envision a country of immoral, jobless, dependent ne'er do-wells looking for kicks. These parasites despise hard work and virtue, while they feed off it.

If Mr. Obama is a Christian, then I am Harvey the 20-foot rabbit.

Lay your hands on your desk, Mr. Obama. I have my ruler out, and I'm about to smack your knuckles good an' bloody, you demonic Marxist PUNK!



Monday, November 11, 2013

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Obamacare By Morning, Over Six People Served

During the opening of last night's CMA Awards, hosts Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley brought down the house as they mocked Obamacare. They used George Strait's classic tune 'Amarillo By Morning' to make their point.

Maybe this song parody can rally the country against this scam.

I imagine that everybody will add a verse or two to this song, so here's mine. Enjoy:

Obamacare By Morning I can't seem to enroll
America's in trouble, and deeper in the hole
My plan was cancelled, and we're no longer free
Obamacare By Morning, is where I'll be

Obamacare By Morning, Why is this taking so long?
I'll wind up with Hemorrhoids, sitting here all week long 
I have cataracts and dementia, and I'm down to my last nerve
Obamacare By Morning, over six people served
 
They took away my health plan, it's been replaced by this scam
This website's driving me crazy, and Sebelius doesn't give a damn
I remember when this plan was mine, back when I was free
Obamacare By Morning, is where I'll be



Monday, November 4, 2013

The RedSquirrel Report Endorses Cam Winton

On Tuesday, the voters of Minneapolis will elect a new Mayor.

Your bushy-tailed pundit is endorsing renewable energy businessman and political newcomer Cam Winton.

I am voting for this outsider because he speaks like someone who demonstrates the market discipline of a businessman, not a bureaucrat. I think that's what he means when he refers to himself as 'a fresh set of eyes.'

The candidate has appeared on The Northern Alliance Radio Network with Mitch Berg and the Up And At 'Em Show with Jack Tomczak and Benjamin Kruse, and appears to be what I am looking for in a steward of the taxpayer's money. He will lead the fight against wasteful spending.

Candidates Betsy Hodges, Mark Andrew, Don Samuels, Jackie Cherryhomes are all former members of The Minneapolis City Council, the body that brought us big, shiny boondoggles instead of making sure that our city has enough cops. Cam Winton is a dark-horse outsider who describes himself as "fiscally conservative and socially inclusive".

By fiscally conservative, I take that as meaning he's against large, pricey boondoggles that his opponents have generally supported. Cam Winton believes in spending the taxpayer's money on basic services, like more police officers and filling the city's potholes in a prompt manner.

In 2004, The City of Minneapolis completed The Hiawatha light-rail line. It costed over $700,000,000 to build, and goes to The VA Administration Building, The Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, and The Mall of America.

We have city buses 7C, 7D, and 7E that used to do that, so we didn't need a train. Now, the money-wasters want to waste even more money on street cars. Cam Winton is leading the opposition against this wasteful spending. He also opposes the wasteful spending on Orchestra Hall, which now sits empty. To my way of thinking, this is welfare for the rich---and it is foolish.

Cam Winton isn't a fire-breathing conservative, but this bushy-tailed conservative believes that he is the best candidate for this office.

See you at the polls.








Comedian Jackie Mason Tells It Like It Is

This is The RedSquirrel Report Evening News, with anchor Jackie Mason:

Good evening,

In Washington, That good-for-nothing, lying schmuck Barack Obama told several more whoppers today, as millions of Americans had their health plans cancelled. What gets me is he lies and lies, then lies about having lied. It's a wonder that his tongue hasn't fallen out of his mouth.

This lying weasel spends all his time lying. It's like he has a mental disease. If he wasn't President, he'd be locked up in prison or in the nut house.

It used to be respectful thing to be President. We Americans used to look up to our Presidents, but this creep acts like that obnoxious, crying 7-year-old jerk who would sit behind you in class, smacking you in the back of the head. Then, he cries to the teacher after you retaliate. What a classless chump.

This schmuck always says he knows nothing. Biden knows nothing. Hillary knows nothing....yet he always acts so haughty like he's Mr. Know-It-All.

This dirty schlemiel is always pointing his finger, and is always blaming everybody else when he screws things up, then takes credit for everything right after telling us that everything stinks.

He blames a video for our heroes getting killed in Benghazi, The NRA for Fast And Furious, then after The American People complain about cancelled health plans, he says,'Don't blame me, blame your health plan for cancelling itself.'

He says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. He lied like crazy for 5 years. He lied on TV. He lied on the campaign trail. He lied in speeches. Then the American people got their cancellation notices.

Watch, he'll say the cancellation notice you got in the mail isn't real. It's just a mirage.

His low-information putzes will believe him. What a psychotic, lying schmuck.


Saturday, November 2, 2013

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma

Desmond tried to log in to the marketplace
but the brand new website it was down
His health care plan he had to replace
on his keyboard he began to pound and pound

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
His premiums just went up another grand

Five hours later he went and tried again
but that website still didn't want to work
He tried to find out much he'll have to spend
Those Democrats are a bunch of effing jerks

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
His boss told him they had to cancel his plan

In a couple of weeks, they say the website should be ready to go
With his jobless kid, can remain on his plan,
Desmond will be so deep in the hole

He's still tries to log in to the marketplace
Obama tells him that he should shop around
Desmond wishes the government would get off of his case
looky here, the friggin' website is still down

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Desmond's boss told him that they cancelled his plan

In a couple of weeks, they say the website should be ready to go
With his jobless kid, can remain on his plan
Desmond will be so deep in the hole

Desmond's trying to get in the marketplace
but it's more than he can stand
He has gotten lost in cyberspace
His premiums went up another grand

Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
Obamacare's the law of the land
Ob-La-Di, Ob-Ba-Ma, Health Care Law (Blech)
It looks like the government has cancelled our plan

If you wanna be sick. Think Ob-Ba-Ma-Ma-Care


Thursday, October 31, 2013

It Wasn't Me (Obama Remix)

Someone is responsible for Benghazi, Operation Fast and Furious, The bugging of our allies, various IRS 'scandals', the harassment of FOX NEWS, the on-going Obamacare disaster, Solyndra, The NSA scandal, the stimulus rip-off....

....but it isn't the president. He knows nothing, nothing. Does he know ANYTHING about his own presidency?

He's so gosh-darn brilliant, yet nearly everything associated with his presidency has been a disaster. He takes no responsibility for anything except for killing Osama bin Laden and keeping General Motors alive.

When he's not blaming former President George W. Bush, the finger-pointing child prezzy blames his enemies, The Tea Party, and the imperfect history of Western civilization. When it comes to his ineptitude and rampant wrong-doing, we are supposed to disbelieve our lying eyes.

He reminds me of Shaggy's 2000 pop hit 'It wasn't me':

They caught me red-handed
stealing a trillion dollars
rewarding  friends with stimulus
The tea-baggers began to holler

I can't keep my lies straight
about what I said about Benghazi
I blamed it on a video
and sent out Susan Rice and Hil..ar....yyy

How can you grant that woman access to The White House?
There's four dead heroes, so just cling to the story.
Just say that you found out while reading the newspaper
Plausible deniability

To be a great leader you have to know how to lie without shame
state-run media will help you pass the blame
never admit fault and make crazy claims
tell your low-information voters you too want change

Angie Merkel caught me spying
(wasn't me)
Fox News caught me lying
(wasn't me)
They found out 'bout Fast and Furious
(wasn't me)
America is furious
(wasn't me)

Everybody hates Obamacare
(wasn't me)
Don't blame me, It isn't fair
(wasn't me)
They want to impeach me over Benghazi
(wasn't me)
I'll just send out Jay Carney


Monday, October 28, 2013

The First Lady Vows To Replant Her Victory Garden

Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we endeavor to bring you all the hard-hitting news.

As you know, the nightmarish partial government shut-down had paralyzed the country, and nowhere was this more true than THE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN. As 800,000 non-essential employees helplessly sat by their phone, waiting for that call that would bring them back to their cushy government jobs, The First Family was also hurt.

The shut-down forced First Lady Michelle Obama to neglect the victory garden.

Where there was once bountiful, ripening tomatoes, green peppers, carrots, and rutabagas, the soil became overgrown with ugly weeds, dust, and small tumbleweeds. Rabbit and squirrel prints are still visible in the wounded dirt.

The scene is straight out of The Grapes of Wrath.

It's a heart-breaking sight that sears into the memory, so we invited First Lady Michelle Obama to speak to us, her subjects:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

Once again, the right-wingers have brought incredible hurt to something I care deeply about.

A garden needs someone to water it, nurture it, and sometimes a garden needs someone to pulls the weeds. My full-time staff of 50 could not be here to work in the garden, because The Republican anarchists had to shut-down the government. When there is a shut-down of the government, it's the garden that suffers.


I haven't been back to the garden. Instead, I am working HARD at arranging my family's next jet-setting family vacay. I think we may bring 10,000 of our friends. I am trying to narrow it down between a $150,000,000 African safari or maybe a $170,000,000 trip to Hawaii.

Of course, I also have The White House Halloween Party to organize.

I do have good news concerning my victory garden. Senator Al Franken is hard at work, securing $5,000,000 to be invested in my garden as part of the upcoming farm bill. It will be money well-spent.

I know how important my victory garden is to The American People. I vow to replant the tomatoes, rutabagas, and carrots someday. Thank you, my subjects.

Your Queen, Michelle Obama.

Our Resident Commie Reviews Limbaugh's New Book

Book review by Gerald Snotley------


OH NOOOO!!. The Rush book is coming! The Rush book is coming!

Right-wing bully Rush Limbaugh's new book Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims features Rush Limbaugh's 'Two If By Tea' corporate spokesman "Rush Revere" and his time-travelling, talking horse Liberty. It's a cross between a Tea-Bagger rally, Bill and Ted's Idiotic Adventure, and Mr. Ed.

Rush and his time-travelling horse tell Limbaugh's version of the Pilgrim story and the settlement at Plymouth Rock.

Of course, everybody knows that these genocidal white Europeans were kept alive by friendly native Americans, and payed them back by introducing smallpox. The white settlers would have starved to death if it weren't for native Americans, so The Pilgrims created Thanksgiving to thank the Indians for saving them. The kindly Indians trusted the treacherous white man, and were almost destroyed.

Limbaugh believes that these white settlers were almost wiped out because they tried socialism. Everybody knows that socialism works. Just look at The Soviet Union, Communist China, as well as The Killing Fields in Cambodia. Just bow to your rulers, or die. It works perfectly.

This infernal tale is ALREADY #1 ON AMAZON, AND IT'S NOT EVEN OUT YET! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY???

Actually, I didn't bother to read this book. I knew that it would be a painful, downright unbearable experience. Just listening to this blow-hard's radio program for ten minutes caused my eye-lashes to fall out. I hate my boss. Damn you, Squirrel. Damn you.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Happy Halloween 2013 From The Obamas

Happy Halloween, my fellow Americans.

It's the neighborhood bully, President Barack Obama. Michelle and the daughters Malia and Sasha are back in the White House garden, replanting some pumpkins that were destroyed during the government shutdown. Actually, FLOTUS has 50 full-time staff to do that work for her.

Once again, we are preparing for our annual Halloween Party. We didn't think that we were going to have our party this year, because those dastardly Republicans shut down the government. To show that there were no hard feelings, I invited Speaker John Boehner to our big night. I understand that with his big, orange face, he will be arriving as The Crying Pumpkin.

I understand that Harry Reid will be arriving as The Crypt-Keeper and Megan Kelly will come to our party as Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. Ooooooh! SCARY!!

Secretary of State John Kerry and Director of The CIA John Brennan will come in a horse costume. Of course, our little vampire bat Valerie Jarrett will be flying around the room.

I just hope that we don't another embarrassing moment like we had last year, when 3 guys came in, looking like terrorists with bombs strapped around their chests. I thought it was my pal Bill Ayers and some guys from The Weather Underground, but those weren't costumes---they were friends from The Muslim Brotherhood.

They said "Trick or Treat", and I said,"100 or 200 f-16's?"

The Brotherhood, Bill Ayers....I sure have alot of terrorist friends. It's sometimes hard to keep track of them all....

Meanwhile, we will have Teamsters and ACORN bobbing for bribes in The Main Ballroom.

(Looking out the window) Hey, isn't that The Great Pumpkin in the victory garden? No, that only First Lady Michelle....and she's wearing orange pants.

Well, that's all for now. I only hope that those mischievous Tea-Baggers Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity don't begin throwing eggs and toilet paper at The House like they did last year. That was a big mess.

Happy Halloween. If your holiday isn't all you want it to be, just remember:

I inherited this holiday from a previous administration. Allahu Akbar.




Future Obamacare Horror Stories

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Since Obamacare debuted with a huge, disastrous thud on October 1st, we are hearing weird tales of Americans unsuccessfully trying to sign up. We laugh as liberals on TV fail in their on-air demonstrations on how to sign up for Obamacare.

We are learning that a Canadian company CGI Federal was paid $634,000,000 to develop the website. Just think of all the people we could have treated with that money.

The website ALONE might be a bigger rip-off than Solyndra.

The administration had several YEARS to create healthcare.gov, yet they apparently didn't bother to test it. Now, we hear that if somehow YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL in getting in, you will open yourself to hackers and identity thieves. Well, isn't that special?

We're hearing stories of people losing their health care plan, their full-time jobs being eliminated, and even Obama allies hating this law. I wonder when we will begin hearing stories like these:

"I finally got myself signed in, but learned that I had accidentally sold my soul to THE DEVIL!!!"

"Hey, it was easy. They gave me a choice----between the gold death panel, the silver death panel, or the bronze."

"When I finally got in, I somehow open the door to the unmentionable place. My navigator looks like one of those cenobites. Whoops...."

"I signed in, and the government stole my identity. Then, they charged $287,935 on my credit cards. D'oh!!!"

"My navigator was an illegal alien. He might be one of those Fast and Furious guys. I better go now."

My prediction is that Stephen King will write a horror novel about Obamacare within the next ten years. If America exists 20 years from now, people will sit around campfires and tell Obamacare stories.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Was Prezzy Stompy Foot Preparing To Close Disneyland?

Last night, The House of Representatives joined The Senate in selling out the American people, caving in to Prezzy Stompy Foot. The bully-in-chief wanted to raise the debt ceiling, and was willing to bring America to the brink of default to get his way.

The Indonesian despot ordered our war memorials closed to our war heroes, then sent in police to intimidate our vets.

He ordered businesses closed, placing barrycades and orange construction cones all over America. It probably costed more to pay government employees to shut all this down than to just allow them to stay open.

This infantile jerk was determined to make this partial government shutdown as painful as he could.

He went to ridiculous lengths to force The GOP to cave to all his childish demands. He accused The GOP-controlled House of wanting to cause America to go into default, and haughtily refused to negotiate with them. Then, he accused THEM of being unreasonable.

He closed Mount Rushmore, The World War 2 Memorial, the Vietnam War Memorial, as well as businesses with the smallest connection to the federal government. I hear he even closed off the ocean to fishermen.

Many Americans wondered, "What will this prick close next?"

How about Disneyland? I'm sure that Prezzy Stompy Foot thought about it. It is The world's happiest place, and I'm sure that it was too much to take for this Micky Mouse President. If he couldn't get what HE wanted, then NOBODY will allowed to have fun, dad gummit.

Maybe the spoiled child-king considered closing down the sky. No more air travel! Ground the airlines! In fact, don't look up! Dear Leader will order his personal civilian police force to confiscate your telescope!

He closed Mount Rushmore. How about a burka over this national treasure? If The GOP had hung on for another week, Obama would have ordered a hijab be placed over The Statue of Liberty.

Doofuses like Charlie Rose and Tom Brokaw can discuss his political affiliation, and that they STILL DON'T KNOW who Barack Obama is. Real Americans know that Obama is a horse's ass and the biggest jerk this country has ever seen.

The Million Vet March Storms DC



On Sunday, scores of American war veterans defied our despot from Indonesia, and visited our war memorials in Washington DC. King Barack had barrycades set up and DC police to harass our heroes, but that didn't stop our defiant patriots. In the past, they fought The Nazis, The Viet Cong, and many other enemies.

On Sunday, they overcame ANOTHER enemy---The Obama regime.

Our heroes broke through Obama's barrycades, and piled them in front of The White House. These great Americans inspired us with their gumption as many of us followed the story on Twitter and facebook. 

King Barack had ordered our veteran memorials closed as punishment against The American People, because The Republicans in Congress were not ready to give in to the petulant brat. He shut down the government because he always wants more power, whether it's to raise 'the debt ceiling' or the power to take the purse strings away from The GOP-controlled House of Representatives.

Here is a photo album from the One-Million Veteran March on the Memorials:

The day started for these troublemakers as they sang God Bless America.....IN ENGLISH!!!



These must be those 'right-wing anarchists' I keep hearing about....

 
"Mr. President, we have a problem. The right-wing extremists have broken through the barrycades."
 



"Guys, if you're here to disperse the illegal amnesty rally...You're too late. That was Tuesday."



Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Maybe Norway's Dead Voters Stayed Home

Last month, Norway's incumbent liberal Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg was voted out of office. Australia's liberal Party, led by Kevin Rudd, was voted out of power.

Two liberal state legislators in Colorado were recalled in a special election and conservative German President Angela Merkel's Christian Democrat Union/ Christian Social Union Party kept their majority.

What in the world happened to all these liberal politicians? Maybe their dead voters stayed home.

They must not be up to speed on the art of stealing elections. Team Obama could have changed the outcome of these recent elections, showing foreign leftists how to use the government to abuse and intimidate their opponents.

Maybe Angela Merkel's opponents could have offered free cell phones.

Also, where in the world was SCYTL? Were they on vacation or something? I wonder if there are any Voter ID laws, or any need for such laws, in Norway and Australia.

There's probably a pronounced difference between liberals in Norway and 'liberals' in Chicago. From what I understand about Norway, their liberals don't lie and cheat in the same manner as the gang from Chicago.

I'd be surprised if I heard that Australia disenfranchised their military voters. After all, Australia is nothing like the Banana Republic of America. It would be unacceptable anywhere outside of Obamanation that a leader could get away with it.

It's unlikely that Norway will ever elect an aggressive Marxist bully like 60,000,000 low-information dimwits in America did. It's nice to know that I can still escape to Australia, Norway, or Germany if Obama begins rounding political opponents up.


Monday, October 7, 2013

There Are Plenty Of Memorials That Obama Kept Open

 

Dear America,

The White House regrets having to close the World War 2 Memorial and Mount Rushmore, but Dear Leader HAS kept many vacation spots and national monuments open.

If you're planning a trip to Barack Obama's hometown of Chicago, why don't you visit Alinsky's Tomb or The Voter Fraud Hall of Fame? You can also visit The Thousand Point of Blight Memorial, formerly Valerie Jarrett's Grove Parc Apartment Building.

There are places in Washington DC that remain open, including The Obama Czar Wax Museum and The William J. Clinton Toll Bridge to Nowhere. You can also visit The Statue of The Part-Time Worker.

 Also, Detroit is still open. The entire city is a monument to one-party, Democrat rule.

You can also visit The Hall of Animatronic Communist Weirdos.


Until we can re-open the government, keep the pressure on Those Republicans terrorists and anarchists who shut the government down.



Keep fighting.

Brent Proctor, Organizing For Action




Prezzy Stompy Foot's Theme Song: My Way

The partial government shut-down began on October 1, and Prezzy Stompy Foot is determined to make everything as painful for the American people as he can. He wants Obamacare fully funded, but The House Republicans control the government's purse strings.

The House GOP have offered to fund the government, except for Obamacare, but the Democrats in the Senate have would rather shut it down if they don't get everything they want.

As usual, our 6-year-old president is behaving like a bully on the playground. He doesn't believe that he EVER has to compromise, and so he has decided to stop governing. He looks like the brat in the grocery store, kicking and screaming for a candy bar.

The adults find it rather embarrassing.

The crying brat in The White House demands that he has to have everything go 'his way'. To explain this, we have an Elvis impersonator sing Barry's new theme song:


And now, October is here
and so we face this government shutdown
Just let me be clear
Pain is coming to your town
So, I will close the memorials and 
some highways
And so, I'll Stomp my foot until you
sees things MY WAY

Me, and Harry Reid
will get our Obamacare funded fully
It's the law of the land
We are your overlord bullies
I said, 'You didn't build that.' I said it in a
a snide way
And so, my media will smear you, until
you do it MY WAY



Oh what is The House
What powers do they have?
The Constitution

makes me laugh
I refuse to compromise
Instead, I will just lie
The record shows, my presidency blows
You better do it MY WAY


I destroyed so many jobs
and then I went on vacation
This job is so below me
I want to run The United Nations
To think I won again
I say things in a sly way
But Ted Cruz and Rand Paul
are getting in MY WAY


Oh what is the law?
It's whatever I say
DC gets the exemptions
while you have to pay
If you call me ...a great big liar
I'll stomp my foot, and get my pacifier

The record shows, You're getting hosed
I have to have it MY WAY

The record shows, My presidency blows
I have to have it MY WAY



Monday, September 30, 2013

Government Shutdown Questions

With the House Republicans trying to avoid a government shutdown and President Creepy, Speaker Creepy, and the creepy Obama media unwilling to compromise, it looks like we're going to have the government shutdown we all know that the Democrats want.

What will it mean for most Americans? Your bushy-tailed correspondent is asking the same questions:



If thousands of NSA employees are laid-off, will they go back to being just plain old peeping Toms?

If The TSA isn't there to molest our loved-ones, who will?

Since the government won't be there to waste my money, should I just flush my money down the toilet myself?

Who will arm all those dangerous Mexican drug dealers NOW?

Will the Obamas have to pay for THEIR OWN VACATIONS? THE INHUMANITY!!!!


Ted Cruz Hears The Citizens


Last Week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz filibustered the god-awful Obamacare law for 21 hours, and read tweets from concerned citizens. The American people are afraid of their unresponsive government, and Cruz tried to make them listen to the people.

On Twitter, thousands of freedom-loving Americans on my timeline let their feelings be known. While the Senator from Texas was reading Green Eggs And Ham, I was thinking about a different Dr. Seuss story as I read the incredible number of tweets under the hashtag #MakeDCListen

It reminded me of this scene from the 2008 feature film Horton Hears A Who, featuring the vocal talents of Steve Carell, Jim Carey, and Carol Burnett:




Sunday, September 29, 2013

Common-Sense With Sir Charles Barkley

Last February, we welcomed former NBA superstar Sir Charles Barkley to The RedSquirrel Report news team. He returns today with this commentary. Take it away, Sir Charles:

"Thank you, 'Squirrel.

It seems like the knuckaheads are everywhere. After that sicko knuckahead Aaron Alexis shot up and murdered those people at the navy shipyards, Kansas University college journalism professor David W. Guth said that the children of NRA members should be killed.

Whatsthematter with you, you psycho knuckahead? Do you have any idea how stupid you sound? That's turrible.

Then Allen Brauer, Communications committee chairman for The Democratic Party of Sacramento County went INSANE on Twitter, when an aid for Texas Senator Ted Cruz showed her opposition to the highly-unpopular Obamacare. 

Brauer wished that Amanda Carpenter's kids would 'all die from a debilitating, painful, and incurable disease' You need your head checked, knuckahead.

Then, there's that botoxed weirdo Nancy Pelosi, sayin' that Republicans WANT to take food out of the mouths of babies. Why do they keep voting for this knuckahead? She's ALWAYS saying something crazy.

It's like she's an escapee from a hospital for the criminally knuckaheaded.

Not to be outdone, that senile jack-ass Harry Reid calls The GOP 'arsonists and anarchists.' That knuckahead needs to dial it back.

It seems like lots of unhinged liberal knuckaheads say insane, hateful stuff, and they believe that our society won't even notice. Then, they bitch about 'civility'.

That's just turrible.

Well, that's all for now. This is Sir Charles, signing out. Peace."


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I Don't Like Green Eggs And Ham, Obamacare Is Just A Scam

Texas Senator Ted Cruz's epic filibuster against the funding of the awful Obamacare included a reading of "Green Eggs And Ham" to his daughters watching him at home. The Texas Republican also read tweets (#MakeDCListen) sent to him from all over America.

There's a lot of Doctors who hate this law, and are threatening to retire. Maybe Dr. Seuss would have been one of them if he were still alive:



I don't like green eggs and ham
Obamacare is just a scam
I don't like Obamacare
We hate it because it isn't fair

I don't like Obamacare
We know that Washington doesn't care
We think that it's obscene
Congress acts like they are kings and queens

I don't like Obamacare
Full-time jobs are getting rare
It seems they don't listen still
or care about the jobs they kill

I don't like Obamacare
In fact, I don't like the 'empty chair'
As the American people rages
about the law that's 20,000 pages

I don't like Obamacare
We want to wake from this nightmare
Congress has made themselves exempt
and keep on showing their contempt

Everybody hates Obamacare
Even labor unions say it isn't fair
Most of us will not enroll
Single-payer is their goal
 
I do not like green eggs and ham
Obamacare is just a scam
We hate the lies obama spews
We would rather stand with Cruz

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

And Now, A Letter From Ralph

With the debate on ObamaCare and the possible government shut-down heating up in Washington, we at The RedSquirrel Report endeavor to bring many voices to this debate.

Today, we get this letter from Ralph, a low-information voter who supports ObamaCare:


Dear Mr. Squirrel,

I am an 8-year-old voter, and I support ObamaCare. I understand that 70% of the American public oppose this law, but why should we listen to these people? They are fringe, extremist kooks. They are heck-bent on taking away health care from children like me.

What do I do if I need my stomach pumped after I eat a box of crayons? Answer that one, Republican meanies.

What about those with pre-existing conditions? It would be terribly unfair to deny home insurance to somebody who has already burned down their house, like I almost did last month.

I think it's wonderful that President Obama has kept 26-year-old children on their parent's health care. That's why I voted for The Messiah.

I also voted for The Messiah because he rides a unicorn.

It's also good that ObamaCare has eliminated millions of full-time jobs. Americans work too hard anyways. The Messiah has created 16,000 new jobs at The IRS to make sure that The American people obey his law, so everything evens out.

Meanwhile, those Republican meanies are trying to defund ObamaCare, and they don't care if the entire government is shut down. Nancy Pelosi says that The Republicans are trying to steal food out of the mouths of babies, those mean Republican meanies.

Nancy Pelosi reminds me of my Grandma.

Well, that's all for now. I have to go to the doctor because I just super-glued my lips together. Thanks, Mr. Squirrel.

Ralphie.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

All Hail Me, Queen Michelle Obama

Today, we are HONORED to have our QUEEN First Lady Michelle Obama grace us with her immeasurable wisdom. She has an important announcement to make, and we have the exclusive report:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

In only five short years, my husband has accomplished SO much, keeping GM alive, killing Osama bin Laden, while fundamentally transforming  our society. However, he didn't do it alone. I also deserve credit.

It is I who led this deeply flawed nation through a much-needed 'cultural shift.'

America has stolen resources from the rest of the world, so my husband's administration has shown the American people what it's like to have something stolen from them. We have re-appropriated resources from the lucky ones with jobs to our leftist cronies and international crooks. That'll teach ya.

Perhaps you have seen my 'Let's Move' campaign on TV. Liberal states like California, New York, and Minnesota have their own 'Let's Move' campaigns, as millions of fed-up peasants move to states like Texas, Wisconsin, and North Dakota.

I have personally overseen changes to school cafeteria menus all over America. So, goodbye sloppy joes, meatloaf, and fish sticks. Say hello to rabbit food.

Soon, I will be unveiling my new media ad campaign. I call it 'Starvation: It's for your own good.'

I urge Americans to 'drink more water'. It's healthy, and pretty soon water will be the only food that our subjects will be able to afford. While my family jets around the world on the taxpayer's dime, the little people will continue to live paycheck-to-paycheck.

That is, if there are ANY jobs left.

My husband is hard at work, violating your Constitutional rights. Soon, our gun-grabbing Attorney General will take your guns away. So, when a mob of black thugs come chasing after you, you'll be able to run away. You'll be as fit and trim as a Kenyan marathoner.

You can thank me later.

Well, that's all the time I have for you, my subjects. I must tend to my 'victory garden.'

All hail me, Queen First Lady Michelle Obama


My Question Is For Miss Delaware

Last Sunday, they crowned a new Miss America. Every year, attractive young women from all over America compete in state pageants in the hopes of making it to the Miss America Pageant. It is there that they don bathing suits, and are paraded around, demonstrating their ability to smile and walk at the same time.

One portion of this contest involves celebrity judges submitting questions for the competitors. These questions usually involve some national or international issue facing us. The contestants show off their poise by answering questions like:

How would YOU improve education in America?

How would YOU solve the hunger problem in Ethiopia?

Do YOU support same-sex marriage?

What do YOU think of Miley Cyrus?

Generally speaking, it pays to answer your question in a way to make the mostly liberal judges nod in approval. It's good to not offend anybody, or frighten the audience with any strong opinions. Just promise everybody a puppy, and you'll be just fine.

On the other hand, you can also let a stream of gibberish fly out of your mouth, and your failure can make you a star on YouTube.

If I, your bushy-tailed correspondent, were allowed to ask a question, it would be:

Do guns kill people? or,

Should we de-fund ObamaCare or should we exempt everybody?

Monday, September 16, 2013

Obama's No-Huddle Offense Against America


Football season is here, and whether you're talking The NFL, college, or high school, coaches are working on their game plan. President Creepy has his own play book, and he's in a no-huddle march against America.

His game plan resembles a football coach's game plan. For example, he has called a misdirection play in Syria. My squirrely sense tells me that he wants Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and ObamaCare off the front pages, and what better way to do this than to threaten military action against another country where he may throw some long bombs.

A few years back, Obama called a shotgun play with Operation Fast And Furious, with a direct hand-off to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

Obama has his own version of the Statue of Liberty play, where he makes the theft of our liberty look like he's PROTECTING OUR RIGHTS. Instead of protecting our rights listed in The Constitution, his allies tell us that we have a right to a college education, food, and a livable wage.

His low-information voters are easily faked-out by this play.

Obama and his Cloward-Piven Army are operating a no-huddle offense against America, hitting America with ObamaCare, Fast and Furious, as well as using The IRS and The NSA to harass his opponents.

He's at war with the coal industry, The Keystone Pipeline Project, home-schoolers, family farms, gun owners, Catholics, Christians, free-speech advocates, and well as talk radio. It's difficult to defend this country from such a non-stop barrage.

How do we defend our freedom against this? In football, a head coach has to give some players a rest. Likewise, I say we give some RINOS a good, long rest.

We can start by substituting some of our tired players like Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham with primary challengers. We have lots of players with fresh legs who can't wait to get into the game.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Government Shutdown Horror Stories

As some GOP lawmakers attempt to defund the horrendous ObamaCare law, Team Obama accuse them of trying to shut down the government. Of course, Senators like Ted Cruz from Texas insist that the idea is to fund the government while defunding ObamaCare.

Democrats act as if our lives will be in peril if bureaucrats aren't governing our every move we make. It's like Obama threatening the country with sequester horror stories:

Park rangers will be laid off, and hundreds of Americans will be eaten by bears.

Air traffic controllers and TSA agents will be let go, and planes will fall out of the sky, smashing into elementary schools and killing small children.

Food inspectors will be sequestered, and if your child isn't killed by falling aircraft, he or she will be poisoned by rotten food. They will be turned into brain-eating zombies.

The federal government will close down the Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson Memorials. However, work on the Great Obama Sphinx continues.

The Department of Agriculture will close it's door, so everyone will starve.

Do you remember how terrifying the shut-down of 1995 was? Neither do I.

Enough of the fear-mongering already.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Obama: I Didn't Set The Red Line

A while ago, President Obama threatened Syrian Dictator Bashar al-Assad with retaliation if he crossed the red line by attacking Syrian rebels with chemical weapons.

Yesterday, our 9-year-old President denied that his Red Line Declaration was HIS. Here is his latest statement:

My fellow Americans,

I want to correct my critics who are unfairly using my words against me.

To be perfectly clear, this isn't MY red line. It's THE WORLD'S red line, but I DID NOT set the red line. If it was MY red line, Bashir al-Assad would never have dared to cross it. Nobody dares to cross a red line that I draw.

Also, this isn't MY credibility on the line. It's THE WORLD'S credibility on the line. When everything goes as it should, it's because of ME. I am ALWAYS perfectly credible.

Don't blame ME for this. Blame THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION, THE GOP, or SOME OTHER PARTY OR GROUP OF FOLKS. You can't prove that I am at fault. I am only passing through. I've only been here for the last five years, so don't lay this on me.

You didn't see a red crayon in my hand. There is no photo or video of me with a red crayon in my hand, and if you can produce a photo or video of me with a red crayon in my hand, it must be a political cartoon or perhaps it's a photoshopped image.

I didn't do it. You didn't see it. You can't prove anything.

I never said ANYTHING about ME drawing a red line in the sand. I killed Osama bin Laden and kept GM alive, so I didn't HAVE TIME to draw OR set no red line.

Got it?

Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States