Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Obama Presidency Has Been One Bullshit Moment After Another

Ashley Wagner, we know just how you feel....

American figure skater Ashley Wagner has given us the meme of The 2014 Sochi Olympics. Following a strong performance, the judges gave her some less-than-impressive marks, and she let it be known that she was less-than-pleased.

Her facial expression was dubbed the bullshit moment.

I imagine a lot of Americans made that face when they received their health plan cancellation letter after President Obama promised us that if you liked your doctor you can keep your doctor,

or when President Obama lied about Benghazi.

Then there was Operation Fast And Furious,

Oh, and many of us had ANOTHER bullshit moment when we found out that he used The IRS to harass Tea Party activists, and Lois Lerner lied before Congress.

Obama and his team of criminals and totalitarians lie about everything. They are contemptible of everyone, abusive with their power, and offend normal Americans with their alinskyite tactics. 

Some of us had a bullshit moment on Election Night 2012. We know that Obama's sleazy lawyers had disenfranchised our military voters serving overseas. The gang from Chicago went national, as they registered dead people, dogs, illegal aliens, convicts, and flipped voted with rigged voting machines.

So, we know how Ashley Wagner feels. The Obama presidency has been one bullshit moment after another.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Team Finland Humiliates Team USA In Bronze Metal Game: Obama Blames Dubya

At the Sochi Olympics, Team Finland humiliated a lackluster Team USA in the bronze medal game, blanking the Americans 5-0.

President Obama immediately blamed former President George W. Bush for the defeat.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Sen. Schumer: Let's Just Jail Our Opponents While We're At It

See folks, this is what happens when you allow a gang of criminals to steal an election. Remember what Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett said before Election Day 2012?

After we win this election, it's OUR turn. It's payback time. The ones who helped us will be rewarded, the ones who opposed us will get what THEY deserve.

Recently, power mad New York Senator Charles Schumer (pictured) suggested that The IRS and other government agencies should be used to target The Tea Party. Conservative filmmaker and Obama critic Dinesh D'Souza was indicted for breaking campaign finance laws. We at The RedSquirrel Report believe this indictment is politically motivated. Team Obama also harassed and threatened Fox News Reporter James Rosen. 

Meanwhile, King Obama and his unhinged, out-of-control gang are threatening American businesses with criminal prosecution if they lay their employees off because of Obamacare.

We thought that we would invite the Senator to explain his position, so he sent us this:

Thank you, RedSquirrel Report.

Conservative activists are a real impediment to our progressive dream. It takes so much money and effort to fight them that we believe it would be best if we could just jail our political opponents instead.

We libs hate debate. We would rather just make our opponents disappear.

We believe that Democrats are born to rule, and Republicans are born to pay taxes, but these Tea Party activists are trying to upset this natural order. They are heretics.

As for the establishment Republicans, we know they have no backbone. In fact, most of the establishment Republicans wouldn't mind it if we just began jailing our opponents.

In many ways, we Democrats have succeeded beyond our wildest dreams, having dumbed down the government schools. Nobody knows what their rights are anyway. We own the government, Hollywood, television, and the schools, yet there are STILL these pesky constitutionalists who will not go along.
If we start jailing these tea-baggers, I'm confident the rest will fall in line. Thank you.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Robin Leach's Lifestyles Of The Spoiled And Tone-Deaf Inside The Obama White House

We welcome our new correspondent Robin Leach to The RedSquirrel Report, as we debut his column 'Lifestyles Of The Spoiled And Tone-Deaf Inside The Obama White House':

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

It's champagne hope and caviar change at The Obama White House.

As the American people suffer under King Barack's soul-crushing economic policies, First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama tweets this picture of her jewelry-wearing mutts. It appears that one of The White dining rooms has indeed gone to the dogs, and they have brought out the fine china.

If one was to caption this photo, it would read:

"Let them eat kibble."

The tone-deaf first couple will complain about 'income equality' as they take the most expensive, taxpayer-funded vacays on the planet. This week, jet-setter Queen Moochelle is skiing in Aspen and King Barry is playing golf in Cali, although he tells people that he is in California to give his support to The Golden State as they deal with severe drought conditions.

These elitist snobs appear to be downright BORED with the misery they are unleashing on this country. While the American people receive health plan cancellation letters, The Obamas (and their dogs) live like royalty.

I wonder which wine goes with milk bone dog biscuits....

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Fun Valentine's Day Facts With Debbie Downer

Wow, I didn't even know that Debbie Downer wrote for The New Republic. Yesterday we learned that the Valentine card you present to your honey is responsible for producing 18.5 grams of planet-choking CO2.

Here to present even more joy-stealing Valentine's Day facts is the writer of that TNR piece. Take it away, Debbie:

Thanks, RedSquirrel.

It's true. The Valentine's card you buy for your girlfriend or wife is responsible for 18.5 grams of CO2. (wha-wha)

Also, if you go to enjoy a romantic dinner, that chicken you're eating was probably tortured, and kept cooped up in a tiny cage in order to keep it from getting any exercise. (wha-wha)

If you bought your honey a box of chocolates, just remember that somebody raped Mother Earth extracting the chocolate, coconuts, and cherries. (wha-wha)

Valentine's Day is the one day of the year when most cases of venereal diseases are contracted. Also, feline AIDS is STILL the #1 KILLER OF CATS....(mmmmeeeeoowwww mmmmeeeeooowwww)

....and it's official. I can't have kids. (wha-wha)

Thank you, Debbie. Now please go away.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Jay Leno Says Goodbye

Last week, Jay Leno said goodbye to The Tonight Show. Here are his closing remarks from his final show, fed through our TruthTeller 3000:

Well, this is it, folks.

Twenty-two years ago I began my reign as host of The Tonight Show, and ever since, we have consistently clobbered David Letterman like a rented mule in the TV ratings. But the bigwigs at NBC are soulless leftists, and because I have dared to make fun of Dear Leader, I must go.

They're making an example of me, America. After The Olympics, Jimmy Fallon will be the host. It's probably BECAUSE his house band played 'Lyin' Ass Bitch' when MN Representative Michele Bachmann appeared on his Late Night Show.

One of his first guests will be First Moocher Michelle Obama. I'll bet that his house band WILL NOT be playing 'Lying Ass Bitch' when she appears from behind that curtain. I wonder if he'll even mention her ridiculous 'healthy eating' initiatives, her zillion-dollar vacays, her $12,000 dresses while harping about 'income inequality', or her criminally-negligent, despotic hubby.

Yes, America, I made fun of Dear Leader, and so I prepare for the inevitable IRS audit. Before Attorney General Eric Holder sends some of agents to arrest me and send me to one of their FEMA camps, I just want to thank you, our audience.


The RedSquirrel Report Wishes A Happy Retirement To Rep. Henry Waxman

Last week, 20-term Representative Henry Waxman (D-CA) announced his retirement from Congress.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report wish him and his huge nostrils a happy retirement.

Obama's National Prayer Breakfast Show

The following are some of the remarks President Obama made during The National Prayer Breakfast last week, fed through our TruthTeller 3000:

Thank you.

First of all, the only reason I am here today is because I was told that I was the one everyone would be praying TO. After all, I AM The Messiah, mmmm....mmmm.....mmmm.... 

America has a rich tradition of religious freedom....which I am trying to end. As you know, I am A CHRISTIAN....which is why I am persecuting Christians in the military and forcing Catholics to pay for other people's birth control.

My Christian upbringing is an important part of who I AM. My Communist parents, my Communist Grand-Parents, my Communist/terrorist friends Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn, as well as all my Communist, Atheist college professors all taught me what I know. That IS WHY I 'stick it' to Christians every chance I get.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not a Christian.

My wedding ring has an inscription hailing Allah. As I've often said, the most beautiful sound is the Islam call to prayer. The second most beautiful sound is a crowd chanting, "Death to the great Satan!"

I gave f-16's and tanks to America's enemies, The Morsi Regime in Egypt. I've sided with the Muslims against Israel. This is how much I love The Christians and The Joos.

We should defend religious liberties, except for Catholics trying to get out of paying for other people's birth control. We should defend the defenseless, except for the unborn, as well the newly born. Women should never be punished with a baby.

We should always defend human dignity. God bless Planned Parenthood.

Allahu Akbar.

Friday, February 7, 2014


I flew in to Sochi with NBC
Couldn't get to sleep last night
There was construction workers workin' next door
Man, I had a dreadful plight

I'm at The Sochi Olympics
My plumbing isn't fixed yet
I'm at The Sochi Olympics

The Ruskies warned me not to wash my face
The water may be dangerous
They told me not to even flush my waste
Everybody's raising a fuss

I'm at The Sochi Olympics
My plumbing isn't fixed yet
I am at. I am at. I am at The Sochi Olympics

Well the terrorists want Sochi to go boom
But who are we to whine?
There are rats running around my room
Putin says everything is f-f-f-f-fine

Show me around the snowey mountains and The Luge
I want to see some hockey too
Then just get me out of here
Don't give me The Russian Flu

I survived The Sochi Olympics
My plumbing still isn't fixed yet
I survived The Sochi Olympics


Thursday, February 6, 2014

Sandra Fluke Can Afford The CA State Senate Filing Fee. Decides To Run

In other election news, wacky professional student and birth control activist Sandra Fluke is seeking election to The California State Senate. She has declared her candidacy in The Golden State's Senate District 26 race.

Ms. Fluke, who's claim to fame is that she couldn't afford her own birth control, payed the filing fee of $952.91. There was 'talk' that she was seeking retiring 20-term Congressman Henry Waxman's seat, but that filing fee was a much steeper $1740.

Fluke saves $787.09 for her birth control.

Stop The Presses! Clay Aiken Is Running For Congress

Mr. Drudge, turn on the siren! American Idol Season 2 runner-up Clay Aiken has declared his candidacy for Congress. He will be seeking to unseat Representative Renee Elmer (R) in North Carolina's 2nd Congressional District this November.

But first, he must win The Democratic Primary.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report are running this poll this week. What do you think of Mr. Aiken's chances?

1.800.111.1111....It will be difficult to stop Aiken.

1.800.222.2222....He has a good chance to win this seat as long as Ruben Studdard doesn't enter the race.

1.800.333.3333....He'll win if he sings in his own campaign commercials

1.800.444.4444....He has a good voice, but Simon Cowell thinks that he looks too nerdy.

1.800.555.5555....He won't win.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The RedSquirrel Reports From The MN Caucus

Last night was Precinct Caucus Night in Minnesota. Your bushy-tailed correspondent braved the cold February evening, and attended the local caucus in South Minneapolis. Here is my report:

There were only four people in my group. Chuck, an elderly gentleman, led us. Nancy was our secretary. Personally, I was surprised that we still let women take part in our caucus. 

Nobody told her that The Republicans are waging a War On Women.

Rick, a professional brick-layer.  And me, The RedSquirrel. Together, we are THE FANTASTIC FOUR.

Seated on tiny chairs at our secret location, we made a sacred oath to fight for truth, justice, and The American Way. We vowed to do battle against Democrat crime, ineptitude, and corruption. Chuck was unanimously chosen our precinct chairman. We picked Chuck and Rick as our delegates. Then, we held our super-secret straw poll for our party's Gubernatorial and Senatorial candidate.

Our mission is clear: To fight and defeat the evil billionaire Alida Messinger, and her minion, the villainous Governor Mark Dayton, also known as 'Governor Crazy-Eyes.'

Our other enemy is 'The 60th Vote For Obamacare', also known as Senator Al Franken.

Rick read a message from Gubernatorial candidate Dave Thompson and Senatorial candidate Julianne Ortman. We vowed to help them win in November.

Then, I proposed a resolution to the Republican Platform, to rid America of the evil scourge of Obamacare. Everyone agreed.

Then, THE FANTASTIC FOUR  parted ways, and I disappeared into the night. See you in November.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Top 8 Reasons Why Islamic Extremists Hate The Winter Olympics

Here are The Top 8 Reasons Why Islamic Extremists Hate The Winter Olympics

 8. Islamic extremists don't like hockey pucks. They prefer kicking decapitated heads into a net.

 7.  They hung their male figure skaters.

 6.  It's hard to do a double-axel in a hijab.

 5.  Infidels compete in The Biathlon where they ski, then shoot. (Islamic extremists build an IED.)

 4.  The Great Satan enjoys a Coke in The Olympic Village. Islamic extremists blow up The Olympic Village.

 3.  It's hard to ski jump in a burqa.

 2. Islamic extremists stone their female cross country skiers to death.

 1. There are no mosques in The Olympic Village.

Monday, February 3, 2014

What An Awful Superbowl For Peyton Manning

Good evening....

Your bushy-tailed correspondent watched almost NONE of Superbowl XLVIII yesterday. Instead I enjoyed a Sunday afternoon nap. I woke up around 7:00, and turned on the TV to see what the score was. Apparently, I woke up before The Denver Bronco offense did. The halftime score was 22-0.

Bronco QB Peyton Manning was mercilessly swarmed by the Seattle Seahawk pass-rush, throwing a pick-six to Superbowl MVP Malcolm Smith.

Manning broke several passing records this year, but looked more like Tippi Hedrin looking for a nice, relatively safe phone booth, as 'the birds swarmed all around him. The game was a grisly spectacle as the score became more and more lop-sided.

The mighty Broncos wiped the goose egg off the scoreboard in the 3rd quarter, but wound up losing 43-8.