Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Michelle Obama Speaks To Starving Students

On September 8, First Lady Michelle Obama spoke to the students of Booker T. Washington High School in Atlanta . It was fourth hour, and the children had just thrown away their Obama lunch.

It was Mushed carrots Monday.

With their little stomachs growling, The First Lady stressed the importance of education:

You have to get an education. Me an' my husband send our daughters to the best private school in Washington, and they also get the yummiest school lunches. They get Sloppy Joe's n' French Fries, Shrimp Alfredo, and hamburgers, too.

Did somebody just faint? Just give her some room....She didn't hit her head on the floor. Oh good. She'll be O.K.

I am pleased to announce a new initiative. My husband and I believe that school should be a rewarding experience. Your principal will be handing out a questionnaire to you.

We want to know if your moms and dads own guns, and also if you know any Republicans. If you ever hear anybody saying bad things about my husband, we want you to tell us. We may need to send them to a re-education camp.

Just fill out these questionnaires, and you will earn a box of Michelle Obama Chocolate Chip Cookies. I am sure THAT will stop your stomach from growling.


Al Franken: Mike McFadden Is A (DA....DA....DAAAAA) Rich Leprechaun

'I am your Senator, Al Franken, and I approve of this message....

My opponent Mike McFadden is a (DA....DA.....DAAAAA) rich investment banker.

He has blatantly (DA....DA....DAAAAA) earned a living in the private sector, and he (DA....DA....DAAAAA....) moved his investments to Bermuda (DA....DA....DAAAAA....). While Americans suffer, he is enjoying a (DA....DA....DAAAAA....) Pina Colada on the beach.

He has SO MUCH MONEY that he hides some of his money from the IRS in Bermuda....and some of it in Ireland! (DA....DA....DAAAAA....)

Mike McFadden is a (DA....DA....DAAAAA....) greedy Republican Leprechaun! He won't even share his Lucky Charms!

I need your vote, or this greedy leprechaun might take away your Obamacare, leaving your family to die, while he lives it up in Bermuda. We can't let McFadden win, or he might take his (DA....DA....DAAAAA....) shillelagh to our investments in infrastructure.

I am your Senator, Al Franken, and I approve of this message'

Monday, September 29, 2014

I Am Rep Rick Nolan, And I Approve Of This Message

Right-wing gun zealot Stuart Mills is a 2nd Amendment fanatic. He is way out of the mainstream, and he's just not right for Minnesota.

'Hi, I am Rick Nolan. I represent Minnesota's 8th District in Congress. I believe in common sense gun legislation. There are many people who should not carry a gun.

Me, for instance.

Say hello to my li'l friend!

I am Rick Nolan, and I approve of this message.'

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Was It A Latte', Or The President's Drug Test?

Earlier this week, President Obama stepped off from Marine One, and disrespectfully saluted two marines with a Styrofoam cup in his hand.

This outraged America. Many took to Twitter, and commented on the rather offensive optics of the president saluting marines with a cup of latte'.

Judging from his disastrous presidency, and his strange behavior, RSR has learned the real story of The President's Cup.

Our source at The White House tells us that Mr. Obama has been addicted to drugs since he was in High School. We have discovered that he has a team of doctors and psychiatrists who run a series of tests weekly to make sure that he can 'keep it together' while he's in public.

Every week, this team tests the president. Part of this includes his weekly drug test, where he urinates into a cup for analysis. On Tuesday, he had one of his episodes, forgetting that he was still holding his drug test as Marine One was landing.

It's O.K. America, The President just forgot that he had his drug test in his hand as he was saluting the marines. Carry on.

Sunday, September 21, 2014



President Obama has been arrested. He was handcuffed, and put in a police van after being charged with a myriad of crimes against The American People, including treason and criminal dereliction of duty.

At 1:00 p.m. today, a convoy of 12 high-ranking military officers departed from The Pentagon, with a contingent of military police. They entered The White House, and placed The President under arrest. They read a long list of charges, then Obama was loaded into a police van, where he was taken to an undisclosed location.

Our correspondent rode with the officer and the president, and files this report:

I rode in the police vehicle with an officer and the president, who sat in the back in a state of shock. During the drive, the officer spoke to the visibly seething president, and said the following:

"So, you sold guns to those dangerous Mexican drug dealers, an' they killed that border agent. Then, you gave our f-16's an' tanks to The Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt.

You also used The IRS to target an' harass your political opponents, then sent your people out to lie about it.

You turned your back on our guys in Benghazi while they were being killed, an' sent your people out to lie about that.

Then, you refused to protect our border, and trafficked under-aged illegal aliens. You didn't even tell anybody where you relocated them. You made Americans kids sick with that virus, an' many kids had to go to the hospital.

And for what? Just for a little power.

(looking into the overhead mirror)
Y' know, there's more to life than a little power. Don'tcha know that?"

I just don't understand.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Have It Your Way, Burger King

The Burger King has had it with American corporate taxes, so he's escaping to Canada.

Barack Obama won't build a fence to keep illegal aliens out of the country, but it appears he might build a fence to keep BK from leaving America's confiscatory corporate taxes.

He might even re-build The Berlin Wall by the time he's out of office.

Burger King's famous catch-phrase is Have it your way. The narcissistic bully in The White House thinks he can, bullying Congress and The Supreme Court, abusing his power by using The IRS to attack critics and opponents, tries to to intimidate our ally Israel....

....and do you remember what Prezzy Stompy Foot did during the government shutdown last October?

It's good to see someone refuse to be bullied by the petulant jerk.

Good for you, Burger King.

Commander Obama's War On Ebola

El Presidente' Obama is sending 3,000 American soldiers to Africa, supposedly to fight Ebola.

This is the same genius who ordered 22 members of Seal Team 6 (the team we are told killed terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden ) to board the SAME helicopter, which was shot down, killing everybody.

This is the same President Obama who hired his own sleazy army of lawyers that disenfranchised our military voters serving overseas during the election of 2012.

This is the same President Obama who referred to the massacre at Fort Hood as workplace violence, as Islamic maniac Major Hasan Nidal opened fire on unarmed military personnel, yelling 'Allahu Akbar'.

This is the same President Obama who wants a national civilian security force as well-funded as our military.

This is the same President Obama who is purging our military of Christians and anyone who speaks out against The Administration. He is currently gutting the military, and reducing us as a superpower.

This is the same President Obama who refuses to protect our borders against invaders, even though we are hearing that ISIS is in America.

And now, he's sending 3,000 American soldiers, supposedly to fight Ebola. Maybe he should send his national civilian security force instead.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Yes, We Have No More Bacon

Recently, a restaurateur in Vermont took down a sign after a Muslim took offense to the word 'bacon' on the offending sign.

What's next? Will grocery stores actually begin taking pork and bacon products off the shelves because it offends easily-offended Muslims? What about restaurants, or your neighborhood cafe? I was reading this story, and started humming 'Yes, We Have No Bananas', substituting some of the lyrics:

Oh yes, we'll sell no more bacon
We'll sell no more bacon at all
A Muslim in hijab says it's a big prob
They say pig meat is really unclean
We no longer got' em
Ham from a piggy's bottom
So YES, we have no more more bacon
We'll sell no more bacon no more

Oh yes, we'll sell no more bacon
We'll offer bacon no more
Someone was bitchin' over bacon in kitchen
So we are going halal
You can't have bacon in your burger
Those Muslims will scream bloody murder
So, yes, we have no more bacon
We have no more bacon no more

Monday, September 8, 2014

Dear Leader Has No Strategy

Fresh off another vacation, President Nero admitted to not having a strategy in dealing with terrorists. Between golf, vacations, and wrecking America, Dear Leader just can't find the time.

The President has no strategy in dealing with ISIS, but he has a rather extensive strategy in dealing with his political opponents. During the presidential election of 2012, he disenfranchised our military voters serving overseas, rigged voting machines, and engaged in an unprecedented strategy of blatant voter fraud.

He and his team also relentlessly smeared his opponent Mitt Romney, and used The IRS to harass and abuse conservative groups seeking 501c4 status.

The President has no strategy in dealing with terrorists, but had a strategy in doing harm to guns rights in America. He sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers. This strategy was called Operation Fast And Furious, and it was his strategy to undermine The Second Amendment.

If the drug dealers caused enough death and mayhem, The American People themselves might cry out for strict gun control.

The President has no strategy in dealing with terrorists, but has a strategy to get his way. He ignores, insults, and threatens the other branches of our government. He abuses the power of the presidency regularly, acting like an arrogant, petulant tyrant.

He promised the most transparent presidency ever, yet has an army of lawyers to guard ALL of his records. At the same time, he unleashes his army of leftist regulators, Obamacare navigators, and The NSA to shove their collective snout in your business.

The President says he has no strategy in dealing with ISIS, yet has a multitude of strategies to reduce your freedom. He has appointed dozens of leftist weirdos (called Czars) to push the people, a Cloward and Piven stragedy to overwhelm our system, and a Saul Alinsky strategy to humiliate and intimidate anybody who disagrees.

Wow, with all these strategies, it's no wonder he can't find time to develop a strategy to deal with terrorists. No wonder he wanted to end the war in Iraq.

The war in Iraq was just an annoying distraction from his mission to fundamentally transform America into an impoverished, third-world dictatorship.

Should Minnesota Re-name It's Towns And Cities?

Since the 1990's, the ongoing civil war in Somalia has resulted in thousands of refugees relocating in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Currently, there are over 32,000 Somalis in the state, which boasts of having the largest Somali population of any state in The United States.

In 2006, Minnesota's 5th District voters elected Muslim leftist Keith Ellison. He believes that Democrats should oppose The Second Amendment.

Meanwhile, Somali staffers at Minneapolis city hall declared February 28 'Hijab Day,' as newly elected Minneapolis Mayor, Betsy Hodges and our lesbian Police Chief Janee Harteau pandered to them by wearing hijabs.

More recently, two residents of Minneapolis were discovered to be fighting for the bloodthirsty, Islamic death-gang ISIS. One of them worked at our local airport.

Nobody knows how many more Jihadis reside in Minnesota.

Personally, this bushy-tailed correspondent thinks that our guilty, liberal friends at Lutheran Social Services, Catholic Charities, and World Relief Minnesota haven't gone far enough in making our new Muslim neighbors feel at home. Maybe it's about time Minnesota REALLY gets with the times, and begin changing the names of our towns and cities:

Minneapolis------------> Minnedushu

Only when we begin changing the names of our towns and cities will our new Muslim  neighbors finally feel at home.