Saturday, December 31, 2016

Some Predictions For 2017

Unhinged Democrats in Congress will try to impeach President-elect Donald Trump before he takes office.

During Donald Trump's first week in office the unemployment rate will mysteriously double.

There will be a remake of the 1985 teen comedy, Weird Science. In the 2017 version, two nerds use their computer to create the perfect woman. She gets a job as a FOXNEWS anchor.

Mexican President Enrique Nieto offers to pay for the wall after realizing that former President Obama has brought all of Mexico's criminals and most of the world's jihadists into America.

President Donald Trump turns Guantanamo Bay Detention Center into a prison for former President Obama's administration officials.

The Chicago Cubs will win back-to-back World Series, and Barack Obama will somehow make it about himself.



Friday, December 30, 2016

An RSR Exclusive: Our Six-Year-Old President's Bucket List

Our petulant, lame-duck president is scheduled to leave the White House on January 20, but that doesn't mean he can't still do a lot of damage on his way out.

In an RSR Exclusive, we have uncovered the president's bucket list of outrageous executive orders he will issue before he is physically removed from the White House:


10. Start a war with Russia

  9. Announce Palestinian nation.

  8. Have a big going away party at the White House on January 19, and trash the joint.

  7. Announce a new 20% dhimmi tax on pork products.

  6. Declare a caliphate in America.

  5. Give the UN power to regulate gun ownership in the United States.

  4. Announce that the B. Hussein Obama Presidential Library will be built at the site of The soon-to-be-torn-down Ronald Wilson Reagan Library.

  3. Strip all Christian churches of their tax-exempt status.

  2. Presidential pardons for Bowe Bergdahl and Charles Manson.

  1. Close Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp, and let the remaining inmates loose.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Top 10 SNL Sketches I'm Waiting To See

Last month, I checked out SNL with guest host Dave Chappelle. I haven't really watched since Darryl Hammond left the show, and I was curious to see any sketches relating to the 2016 presidential election. I thought the election night sketch with Chris Rock was pretty good, but I had the feeling that SNL was still largely a pro-lefty program.

Here are the top 10 SNL sketches that I am breathlessly waiting to see. If the gang at SNL have already done any of these sketches, let me know. I am watching lots of funny stuff on facebook and Twitter, so I haven't been paying attention to network TV:


10. The Hillary Clinton Mental Breakdown On Election Night Sketch

  9. The Vladimir Putin Hacks The Presidential Election Sketch

  8. The Mr. Podesta's Slumber Party Skit

  7. The Colin Kaepernick Riding The Bench And Bitching About Racial Inequality Skit

  6. The Black Lives Matter Skit

  5. The Pajama Boy Skit

  4. Barry Obama Crying Over The Meanies At FOXNEWS Skit

  3. The Leftist, Pro Hillary Snowflakes Skit

  2. The Election Night Meltdown On CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, And ABC Skit

  1. Celebrities Leaving America Because Trump Won Skit

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Santa Claus Writes A Letter To Michelle Obama

Santa Claus
Dear Michelle,


I decided to write this letter because I really can't take your bitching and whining anymore. As you know, I know when you have been naughty or nice. I also know what your husband has done to your wonderful country.

When your husband promised 'fundamental change', many Americans didn't know that he was going to transform it into a divided, third world craphole. And so, for the last eight years I've put a reindeer turd in his Christmas stocking. Your creepy husband has done so much damage that I don't know what I'm going to put in his stocking this year. I'm so glad the ass-hole will be gone in January.

As for you, I'm so damn sick of you bad-mouthing America. I get letters from kids across the country cursing  you over your hideous, almost inhumane school lunch program. Where in the Hell do you get off complaining about ANYTHING? You have lived rent-free at the most exclusive residence in the world. You have a staff serving your every desire. You live like a damn queen while little Christan and Yazidi kids are raped and murdered by inbred creep Muslim bastards while your idiot husband attacks Christians in America.

So, you say that 'hope is gone' with the election of Trump. Tell that to the residents of your gun-free Democrat-controlled paradise Chicago.

You are so screwed up I'm thinking about sticking a one-way ticket to Aleppo inside your Christmas stocking.  The world despises complainers, and I'm profoundly sick of you and that husband of yours.

You need help.

Yours truly, 

Santa Claus 

And Now, The REALLY Fake News

.....The new unemployment numbers were released today, and unemployment is at an 8-year low at 4.6.%. President Obama delivered the wonderful news at a press conference, where he took the Republican-controlled Congress to task for deliberately opposing his Obama Recovery.

In other news, Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton leads Republican candidate Donald Trump by 7% according to leading presidential pollsters. Later on, our panel will laugh at Trump and tell our viewers that he has no chance at winning the election.

Also, 26 women have leveled charges against that meany Donald Trump. Apparently, he's called some of them names at some time in the past. What's more shocking is that some voters still plan to vote for Trump in November. Simply deplorable.

In truly scary news, Russian Premier Putin has ordered the American election to be hacked. Our fearless president Barack Obama has said that he will get to the bottom of this development. Many Democrats point to the fact that since Hillary Clinton led in the presidential polls, there was no way that the Republican candidate could have won the election without cheating.

After these commercials, our weather god will explain Global Climate Change.....


Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Pajama Boy Comments On The Election

Three weeks ago, America spoke, and elected a new President. Billionaire real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump won in a big electoral landslide. We welcome our new correspondent, known to America as Pajama Boy, to comment on the election.

Thank you, RedSquirrel Report.

As I watched that wretched racist, sexist, homophobe Donald Trump steal the election from the comfort of my pillow fort, I cried just like those poor, despondent Hillary supporters on TV. I saw America destroyed as my man-crush Rachel Maddow delivered the awful news:

'We are in Hell. Donald Trump has been elected the 45th President of the United States.'

I could barely hold on to my cup of hot cocoa (with both hands) as Hillary's blue wall of Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin came crashing down. It was almost as if Republican terrorists were bombing my Mom's house!

Then I watched all the anti-Trump protests on TV, and some Trump voters get a well-deserved beat down by upset Hillary supporters. I don't support the beating of Trump-supporters, but I understand it.

Right now, I'm so afraid! What will happen to America with this maniac in the Oval Office? Women who have abortions will be rounded up and thrown in Trump's gulags! Also, Trump will break up millions of Mexican families! 

What will happen to Obamacare? I'm almost losing my mind thinking about it!

If I go into a girl's bathroom, will Trump send his secret police to arrest me? You have to excuse me. I THINK I'M HYPER-VENTILATING WITH FEAR!!!

On the other hand, I am hopeful that Dr. Jill Stein, Green Party candidate, can overturn this rigged travesty. I asked my Mom to contribute to her recount effort.

Well, that's all for now. I think I'll go upstairs and ask my Mom to heat up some more milk.

Pajama Boy.




Green Day Anti-Trump Song Parody Alert

Do you have the time
To hear us cry and whine
about that racist sexist homophobic Trump?
There are millions of melodramatic fools
who bitch about broken rules
Hating Trump is cool

America is on the brink
Let's burn the kitchen sink
The votes they tallied up
wasn't quite enough
And now we are gonna burn your business down!

We don't want to think
We just know that Trump's a dink
Hillary lost and that's bringing us down
They did it to Al Gore
We'll burn down your store
We love Common Core
We know the election was rigged!

Russian hackers stole it for Trump
We are so down in the dumps
The votes they tallied up
wasn't quite enough
Trump is a Nazi...We demand a re-count!

We are so butt-hurt.....
The electoral college has got to go....

An RSR Exclusive: A Report From Hillary Campaign Headquarters

On Election Night, we had a special correspondent at Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters. This timeline is what he saw:

At 5:00 p.m., the candidate is upbeat, and her campaign staff  has uncorked the champagne.

At 7:00 p.m., some numbers are dribbling in, and an already angry Hillary has cancelled the celebratory fireworks.

At 9:30 p.m., Florida has gone to the opponent. Hillary berates campaign spokesman Robbie Mook.

At 11:00 p.m., Hillary's blue wall begins to crumble. Pennsylvania is uncomfortably close, and Ohio is gone.

At 12 midnight, Hillary has been drinking heavily. As the electoral map turns red, she gets up from the couch and screams at campaign director John Podesta, yelling:

'I'M GOING TO BE INDICTED!!! IF I'M INDICTED, YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN WITH ME!!!!'

At 12:30 a.m., Clinton physically attacks Podesta. Several staffers restrain her, and her on-site doctor gives her a sedative.

At 1:00 a.m., Pennsylvania goes red. Clinton sends Podesta out to speak to her supporters.

At 2:00 a.m., Clinton falls asleep in a drunken stuper. Trump is declared the winner.

At 2:30 a.m., An unidentified Hillary Clinton voice impressionist with the campaign calls President-elect Trump to concede the election.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Red Forman's Message For Hillary Clinton Voters

On November 8, the American people elected Donald Trump president. Supporters of Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton were left in shock, and many became despondent. As her electoral blue wall of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin crumbled, America watched Hillary's unhinged supporters crying on TV.

Our Election Night correspondent Red Forman files this commentary:

C'mon, all you special little snowflakes. It's about time you get up out of bed. All you pajama boys and girls can't stay frozen in the fetal position forever.

Four years ago, Obama won (or stole) re-election. We who voted against him didn't spend the next two weeks crying over it. We got up the next morning, and went to our jobs while our co-workers gloated.

Your candidate lost. It's time to move on with life. Just repeat after me:

'Donald Trump has been elected, and I'm going to be o.k.'. Good. You can tell yourself that Hillary won the popular vote if you like, but the winning margin came from illegal aliens, dead voters, rigged voting machines, voters illegally voting multiple times, and the leftist welfare state basket case called California.

Most Normal-Americans can't stand Hillary.

Speaking of California, some leftists want to secede from America. Hillary won California by 3.7 millions votes. If they break away from the union, do you Dems think that you have a better chance of winning the presidential election in 2020?

There are the dumb-asses who are 'protesting' the election of president-elect Trump. C'mon. kids, time to grow up. Even my idiot son Eric has moved on. On my Twitter feed, I'm seeing many instances of violence against Trump voters. Some of you need a big foot in your ass. Knock it out.

You were lied to. We were all lied to. The mainstream news media were trying to suppress the anti-Hillary vote. Hillary was over-confident, and Trump out-hustled her.

Now, let's get behind our president-elect.

Friday, November 4, 2016

The Ten Best Reasons To Vote For Hillary Clinton

Election Day is next Tuesday, and Hillary Clinton voters still cannot give an intelligent rationale for their support for her. Many of her supporters say that it's time for a female president, but even that's a lie. Republican candidate Carley Fiorina is a woman, but Hillary supporters would never think about voting for the former Hewlett-Packard exec.

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in raising the level of discourse. Critical thinking is important, and so is the truth. There ARE many good reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton. Here are the ten best reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton:

10. You believe everything that CNN says.

  9. You feel sorry for everyone caught up in those Wikileak emails and Project Veritas videos.

 8. Your Obamacare premiums aren't HIGH ENOUGH....

 7.  You don't need cheap, plentiful energy because you ride the bus.

 6.  Hillary Clinton stole from Haiti Disaster relief. If she can be that cruel to poor Haitians, imagine what she can do to those annoying right-wingers!

 5.  You also practice satanic rituals, such as spirit cooking.

 4.  You think that Donald Trump is great, big meany.

 3.  You think it's O.K. to raise your neighbors taxes as long as it goes to Muslim refugees and illegal aliens.

 2. Sharia law sounds great.

 1. You don't think there's ENOUGH corruption in The White House.

  

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Happy Halloween 2016 From The Obama White House

My Fellow Americans,

Happy Halloween, it's the creep in The White House, Barack Hussein Obama.

Our party is already in full swing! Foreign leaders and lobbyists are bobbing for bribes in the Clinton Foundation Room. I've rigged the election, so I'm already letting Hillary move in.

Michelle is harvesting pumpkins from the victory garden, and she'll carve a scary Trump-O-Lantern. Speaking of Trump, our friends at CNN are hanging the Scary Orange Man on the front lawn in effigy.

I'm looking out the window, and I can see The Great Pumpkin. No, that's just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Oh no, those troublemakers James O'Keefe from Project Veritas and Julian Assange from Wikileaks are throwing eggs at my house. I better call AG Loretta Lynch and tell her to arrest them.

First Rapist Bill Clinton has arrived in his giant penis costume. Now, some of our guests have arrived as ISIS fighters. Hey, I think that's Colin Kaepernick. Later, as your kids go trick-or-treating, Me and Hillary will be going door-to-door confiscating your guns.

This party is downright scary, but this is nothing compared with the horrors America will experience after Hillary is coronated! Things will really get freaky when she gets her hands on the Supreme Court, then replace Obamacare with Single Payer!!

Your premiums will make your hair stand on end!

Now Jay-Z and Beyonce have arrived as Black Lives Matter thugs, and there's Hillary's VP pick Tim Kaine as Count Obnoxious....

Oh, and there's MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell in a straight jacket. Waitaminnut, that's not a Halloween costume....and here comes some of Hillary's friends from the UN. It's Like the Star Wars bar room scene!!

We just got some little trick-or-treaters in cute drug lord costumes, so I'm putting toy guns in their sacks....

....At least I think those were toys.....

Well, we should keep this party going until America wises up and votes us out.

Allahu Akbar,

Barack Obama







Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Deplorably Yours

Dear Hillary,

You recently made a speech where you insulted about half of the country, calling us deplorable.

You call us racist and sexist, and suggest that we aren't Americans. Honest to God, Hillary, you're a 68-year-old woman, and you sound like a mean 6-year-old brat.

The real reasons why I oppose you are numerous, but here are a few:

You're a dishonest career criminal who acts as if laws do not apply to you. If you believe that you're above the law, I'm going to have a problem supporting you. I don't think it's deplorable to expect our government officials to obey our laws.

You are also incredibly hypocritical. You talk about women's rights, yet accept political contributions from middle eastern governments that practice anti-woman shariah law. The same goes for gay rights and minority rights.

You are a typical, powermad Democrat, willing to give the country away to our enemies as long as it feeds your naked lust for power. You don't believe in changing anybody's mind, so you will just change the voters instead. You want to increase the number of new migrants/voters from Syria by 550%, and you support illegal aliens as long you believe they will vote for you.

Meanwhile, you insult hard-working, honest Americans.

We are being harmed by these policies, and you don't care. As a Deplorable-American, I care more for Katie Steinle and her grieving family than the illegal alien who murdered her. I also care for police officers that you and your former boss Barack Obama frequently attack.

At your convention, you held what looked like a criminal appreciation night as a way to pander to Black voters. What an insult to African-Americans!

Your Clinton Foundation accepted charitable donations for the victims of an earthquake in Haiti, BUT YOU KEPT THE MONEY! HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS SCUMMY?!

I haven't even started on Benghazi or your e-mails. In a sane world, you would be awaiting trial, not running for president. This November, I'm voting for Donald Trump because he's not you.

I would crawl through broken glass to keep you out of the White House.


Deplorably Yours,

Joe Deal, Uppity Peasant

The RSR Poll: Should Someone Hit Tim Kaine In The Nose With A Rolled-Up Newspaper?

Last week, the VP running mates held their debate at Longwood University in Farmwood, Virginia. Donald Trump's running mate, Mike Pence, clearly won the debate. He was well-prepared and knew the important issues.

On the other hand, Hillary Clinton's running mate, Tim Kaine, was incredibly obnoxious. He interrupted Pence at least 57 times.

This brings us to our RSR Poll question. We ask our readers:

Should someone hit Tim Kaine in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper?


A: ABSOLUTELY!!!

B: Yes! Repeatedly, until he stops interrupting

C: Kaine should be hit with something harder than a newspaper

D. No.

Monday, September 19, 2016

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive: RedSquirrel Comes Out Of The Closet

Following the knife attacks at the Crossroads Mall in St. Cloud this weekend, our esteemed Governor Mark Dayton expressed hope that non-Muslims in Minnesota would extend tolerance towards practitioners of the religion of peace.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent greatly appreciates our terrific Governor's message of tolerance, and trusts him and all our liberal friends when they say that real tolerance means that everyone can be free to associate with like-minded individuals without being assaulted or harmed.

And so, I would like to take this time to come out of the closet. It is true that I am a REGISTERED REPUBLICAN RESIDING IN MINNEAPOLIS, AND I WILL BE CASTING MY BALLOT FOR DONALD J. TRUMP, REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT.

I realize that not all leftists will respect my view(s), but I am sure that if I attend a Trump rally or fundraiser that I won't be viciously assaulted by those claiming to be 'anti-Trump protesters.'




Monday, September 12, 2016

Friday, September 2, 2016

Colin Kaepernick. It's As If Screech From Saved By The Bell And Clockmed Had A Baby



                         


Coach: "Hey, Kaepernick....Why aren't you standing for The National Anthem?"

Colin Kaepernick: "I am protesting this country's long, terrible history of racial and social injustice."

Coach: "Well, maybe you can start earning the millions you make as a second-string NFL quarterback. Make yourself useful and hold this clipboard."

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

The Devil Makes Three Hillary Clinton Song Parody

Today's song parody is from alternative country trio The Devil Makes Three, and their terrific tune, 'All Hail':

Come on down and watch her sell out the country
and you think she'll fight for you?

Watch the non-stop political ads a' running
The human cattle believe her lies are true

Here she comes
in a grey Mao pantsuit
Lying like it's going out of style

Here comes Bubba
darling daughter Chelsea
and the queen of denials

She is Karl Marx Saul Alinsky Barack Obama

Oh Hill
Oh Hill
To the greatest of crooks
The State Department has got to be sold
Oh Hill
Oh Hill,
To the White House or to jail
for all the lies that she has told

On Election Day
The Dead shall vote often and early
We have to beat that Trump guy
because he's nasty, mean, n' surley

We're drunk on power
emails are gone
CNN's always on
and the host says
"Muslims built America, Black slaves too"
The NRA kills people
Obama is cool
Our foundation bought the FBI
bought it for a song
Our girl Loretta runs the AG's office
America is gone
Uncle George Soros has been running
this country all along

Oh Hill (repeat chorus)

On Inauguration Day
She'll swear on the Quran
coronating Hillary
Christianity will be banned
Overran with foreigners
and low-info cheats
over-turning police cars
and blocking all our streets
A prayer rug in the Oval Office
Muslims running the C.I.A.
Allah running the Department of Justice
The presidency on sale on EBay
She'll bring about The Rapture
Our enemies will disappear
Nobody will stop us
We'll rape the women and kill the Queers
The Left will have their Hell on Earth
(as she expands her net worth)
 
Oh Hill (repeat chorus)









Thursday, August 11, 2016

#HesWithHer




The man with the red hat is Seddique Mateen, the radical Islamist father of Orlando's Pulse nightclub mass murderer Omar Mateen.

Monday, August 8, 2016

But Donald Trump Is Unfit To Be President

Barack Obama sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Barack Obama laundered $400,000,000 to the bloodthirsty mullahs in Iran, the world's leading state sponsor of terrorism....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton, as former Secretary of State,  made millions off her position selling U.S. uranium rights to the Russians....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Barack Obama has wrecked the best health care system in the world....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton violated The Espionage Act....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton ripped off the impoverished people of Haiti and uses The Clinton Foundation slush fund to enrich herself....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt public figure in this country's history....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are trying to fundamentally transform America into a third-world war zone, overran with Muslim 'refugees' and illegal aliens....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton believes that pro-life Americans should be forced to pay for abortions....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Hillary Clinton is a traitor and career criminal....but Donald Trump is unfit to be president.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Paul Simon Sings The DNC Theme Song

They said,'Welcome folks, to the 2016 DNC'
from the party that has America on her knees
Criminals like Hillary and freaks like Bernie know
There's at least 50 ways to screw the country

We can't let Trump beat us because he is crude
4 more years of Barack and Hillary and America is screwed
Let's let transgender weirdos in the girl's bathroom
There's at least 50 ways to screw the country

50 ways to screw the country

Let your servers be hacked, Jack
Where's all the American flags, Meg?
Shariah and CAIR, Cher
Let's bring in lots of 'refugees'
Let's raise a big fuss, Gus
because Wall Street earns too much
Just coronate Hillary
and your education will be free

Now, we're gonna make you think we feel your pain
4 more years of this and we'll be Spain
Lots of leftist doubletalk and our message is ingrained
There's at least 50 ways to screw the country

All you Bernie supporters why don't you get on board?
We got new government programs we cannot afford
Just stop yelling on the convention floor

Fauxahontas Warren is speaking tonight
Maybe the American people will begin to see the light
Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin are right
There's at least 50 ways to screw the country

Repeat chorus..........









Monday, July 25, 2016

Theater On Minneapolis's LRT Blue And Green Line

Minneapolis has an active arts and entertainment scene, and one of it's well-kept secrets is the theater scene along it's LRT Blue and Green route.

For only $1.75, you can view Black-on-Black domestic disturbances, Black-on-Black fights, and gangs of Black and Somali youths acting like kids. The real fun begins around midnight.

Michael Wendlund, White passenger comments:

"Yeah, tonight I'm just sitting here (at the Warehouse Platform at Hennepin) and minding my own business, when these two Black guys started yelling at each other about three feet away. It was SO REAL that I thought that I might become part of the show!"

Tawana Jones, regular LRT Passenger:

"I'm waiting at the platform, when this Black dude creeps up behind me, and asks me for money. I told that sucka 'don't ever do that again or I'll mace your face!"

So, if you're in the Twin Cities, come and enjoy the show. See you there!

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

THIS JUST IN: FBI BOUGHT BY THE CLINTON FOUNDATION


Obama: No One's More Qualified Than Hillary


Recently, the current occupant of the White House said of presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, 'I don't think there's ever been someone so qualified to hold this office'.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent is still trying to wrap his mind around the insanity of that statement, although I'm not surprised. Mr. Obama insults Normal, intelligent Americans on almost an hourly basis.

He can't really believe that Hillary Clinton is the most qualified person to ever run for the American presidency. Let's not even bother to count our founding fathers or the great Americans throughout our history who could have been fine presidents.

Let's conduct a mental excercise. Imagine that I have a super-computer and a list of every American alive right now. It's 2:30 CST on July 5, 2016. The U.S. population is 324,154,695.

Now, I feed my my super-computer with the names of every American, along with their basic information, including work experience, education info, political affiliation(s), as well as data relating to their writings on social media. I also tell the computer to rank people I agree with and share common values higher on my list.

With all this data, my super-computer spits out a Power Rankings List Of  The Presidential Qualifications Of Every Living American Right Now. Every American, ranked from #1 all the way down to #324,154,695. These are my hypothetical findings:

At #1-100, there's a lot of my favorite Governors and ex-Governors, like former Texas Governor Rick Perry and current Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Even Jeb Bush is in my top 100. Texas Senator Ted Cruz hovers around in the top 10. Donald Trump isn't anywhere in the top 100. Oh, waitaminnut, yes he is. He shoots up to #5 after making a speech about illegal aliens, then slips down after calling Ted Cruz a liar.

At #101-1000, I find many terrific Republican state legislators serving across the country. Elect them to a few terms, and they'll crack the top 100. Also, talk radio faves Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin are at #108 and #154 respectively.

At #1000-50,000, I find a lot of good, solid conservatives, many of whom I follow on Twitter.

At #50,000-58,167,000, here I find basically anyone who voted for Mitt Romney in 2012. These are Americans with enough wisdom to have voted against Barack Obama.

At #59,000,000-#100,000,000, here I find a lot of people who distrust government and don't vote. They work, and hang out with their friends afterwards.

Still, no sign of Hillary.

At #100,000,001-200,000,000, here I find a lot of blue-dog Democrats and government employees. There's also many present and former prison convicts here.

At #200,000,001-300,000,000, there are a lot of people on welfare. They wait for the beginning of the month, and love their Obama phones. Their kids are in prison, in a gang, or dead.

Finally, at #300,000,001-324,154.695, we have the absolute least qualified. Barack Obama is ranked at 324,154,517. The only reason he isn't ranked lower is because he is already the current occupant of the White House and so far he hasn't burned it down.

It's quite safe to say that America is living under a kakistocracy.

Hillary Clinton is ranked at 324,154,480. On paper, she appears quite qualified as a former U.S. Senator and Secretary of State. However, when you factor in severe ethic lapses, corruption, and even treason, she is literally disqualified.

Bernie Madoff is ranked 324,100,795 and he's in prison.

There are people in comas right now that I would vote for before I'd vote for Hillary. They're do far less damage to this country.

They are more qualified than Hillary Clinton.



Monday, July 4, 2016

The President Wishes America A Happy Fourth Of July


On behalf of Myself, wife Michelle, Attorney General Loretta Lynch, and everyone at the Obama White House....

We wish The American People a Happy Fourth of July.

Allahu Akbar.

P.S.-The Fourth of July Picnic honoring our vets is cancelled. Nyaahhh!!!

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Red Forman: Obama Happens......

Our correspondent Red Forman returns with this commentary:

My conservative friends ask me "Red, how did we get where we are today? There's a clown in the White House who hates America, and GOP cowards in the majority who won't stand up for us?" 

I don't spend a lot of time really thinking about it. I spend most of my time keeping my idiot son Eric out of trouble, and worrying about my darling daughter Laurie. She flunked out of college last month.

Usually, I just shrug my shoulders and say 'Shit happens.' Lately, I've replace that with "Obama happens." Maybe Eric and his friends can print up some t-shirts.

Then, the guys ask me HOW did Obama happen? Well, there's a lot of ingredients in this crap stew, and lots of blame to go around.

There's our race-obsessed media, political correctness, and college universities that make it trendy to blame America for all the evils in the world.

There's the generation of spoiled, ungrateful, arrogant baby boomer hippies who ruined this country. They don't see themselves as Americans, but 'citizens of the world.' When Obama told us he was going to 'fundamentally transform' America, they saw it as a good thing. They don't care if he transforms America into a country overran by Muslim troublemakers, illegal aliens, and dependent welfare recipients.

These self-centered snowflakes wanted to make history by voting for The Black Guy. It didn't matter how much he detested our country.

These grey-haired children want to see a world without borders, and agree with Dear Leader when he tells hard-working Americans 'You didn't build that.' When you can successfully denigrate the makers in our society, you can steal whatever you want by voting for it.

And, worse of all, we have an opposition intimidated into silence. Obama and his little helpers rob you, and transport illegals who murder innocent Americans, spread diseases and bring chaos. Then these 'community organizers' accuse you of being a racist for opposing it.

That's how Obama happens.........




Monday, June 27, 2016

Democrats Have A Hissy Fit

Following the mass murder at Orlando's Pulse Nightclub by Muslim extremist Omar Mateen, Congressional Democrats thought the time was right to pass some anti-gun legislation. They tried to get pro-Constitutional Republicans to join them, but failed.

Georgia Democrat John Lewis and his little friends decided that since they couldn't get what they wanted, these elected officials would behave like the brat in the grocery store. When mommy refuses to buy some candy, brats terrorize mommy by having a great big hissy fit.

These brats embarrassed the country in much the same way a bratty child in the grocery store embarrasses mommy.

The Democrat Children staged a sit-in, making the House of Representatives look more like a romper room. The freedom-stealing Dems placed their fat bottoms on the carpeting, while Republicans refused to play their game. Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that Speaker Paul Ryan should have stuck great big pacifiers in their mouths, or sent them off to their room without supper.

The sit-in was reminiscent of the Occupy Wall Street protests, though no one we know has seen any Democrat Representatives taking a dump on any police cars. Not yet, anyway.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

And Now, A Message From The Office Of Our Pathological Liar AG

Well, they released most of the 911 call that Orlando mass-murderer Omar Mateen made while he was carrying out his mission.

He obviously was quite fond of ISIS, and wanted everyone to know that he was an adherent to the religion of peace who practiced it in the most violent way imaginable. Barack Obama's Attorney General Loretta Lynch thought that it was best that she would hide the portion of the shooter's call where he told the police that he was indeed a Muslim carrying out jihad.

Our 6-year-old president wants to take this evil deed done by Mateen and blame it on Republicans, The NRA, and gun-owning, law-abiding Americans. Once again, our power-drunk anti-American dictator is using murdered Americans to push for anti-gun legislation. It's as if  he sees murdered Americans as broken eggs for his omelette of gun control and a more centralized power.

Human suffering bores him. What excites him is using human suffering to feed his extreme lust for power.

Obama and Lynch don't seem to go out among the people much, thinking that their lies aren't going to be seen by normal Americans. These pathological liars deny that Mateen is a hateful, blood-thirsty jihadist. It's incredible that we have people like this running our country.

They'd have more credibility if they hired Tommy Flanagan from The Pathological Liars of America to be the AG spokesman:

Hello, this is Tommy Flanagan, Spokesman for Attorney General Loretta Lynch. In fact, I'm THE PRESIDENT of the Attorney General's office!

As you know, Omar Mateen murdered 49 Americans at The Pulse Nightclub in Orlando. It was a gay nightclub, but Omar didn't know he was murdering gays. We are releasing the 911 calls he made while murdering these people.

Mateen said he was carrying out a jihad, which is a kind of violence that gun-carrying, hateful LUTHERANS commit.....Yeah, that's the ticket!

Also, REPUBLICANS OWN GUNS!!!! BLAME THEM!!!!

Evil conservatives don't believe in same-sex marriage.....WHICH IS WHY OMAR THE LUTHERAN MURDERED ALL THOSE GAY PEOPLE!!!!

So, in closing, I want to pass on a message from our wonderful Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

#DisarmHate!!!!

Thank you.

Tommy Flanagan, Spokesman for Attorney General Loretta Lynch


Our Resident Expert Addresses The Mass Murder In Orlando

In the worst mass-shooting in this country's history, violent Muslim extremist Omar Mateen murdered 49 Americans and seriously wounded 50 more at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando. The Obama regime is still denying the fact that the killer praised Allah during his murder spree, and that the murderer considered himself a soldier for jihad.

So, we asked our expert on everything, Professor Walter Turgeson, to comment:


Thanks, Red.

So, our nine-year-old president and our friends at CNN still don't want to admit that Omar Mateen was a violent, militant Muslim jihadist who hated gays AND Americans. These leftist clowns are still blaming the gun(s) that he used in this evil act.

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Obama and the rest of these dummkopfs MAKE ME SICK!!!

Get your heads out of your asses, you brain-dead denialists! Muteen was a violent, hateful Muslim Extremist!!! SAY IT!!!!! SAY IT!!!!!


Friday, June 10, 2016

What Miss California Should Have Said

During the question and answer portion of last week's Miss USA Pageant, a judge asked Miss California Nadia Mejia a rediculous, leftist question concerning income inequality.

The beauty contestant flubbed and stammered for a cringe-worthy moment. She should've told the judge that her question was stupid. Then, she should have called income inequality what it really is....

Income diversity.

Finally, she should have said that she supports income diversity.

Monday, June 6, 2016

HEADLINE: OBAMA'S FOREIGN ARMY ATTACKS TRUMP SUPPORTERS AT SAN JOSE RALLY



Welcome to Obama's fundamental transformation of America. Many of us Romney voters predicted that this is what the second term of Obama would look like.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Obama "Celebrates" Memorial Day A Week Early With A Statue Of Ho Chi Minh

Next week, Normal-Americans will remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in defence of our freedoms. Many Americans will have a backyard barbecue, while others will look for a good deal on a mattress.

Our pencil-necked president observes Memorial Day in a much different way. Last year, he sucked down an ice cream cone and tweeted "Happy Memorial Day", while American families visited graves and cried together.

This year, he offends us yet again, as he visits Hiroshima and Saigon. In Hiroshima, he'll make an anti-nuke speech. In his twisted world, only Iranian mullahs should be in control of nuclear weapons.

This year, he's celebrating Memorial Day a week early, taking a trip to Vietnam. He posed for a picture below a statue of Ho Chi Minh, who killed over 50,000 Americans. While he was in Cuba last month, he posed in front of a mural of murderous thug Che Guevara. He'll cut his Hiroshima visit short when he can't find any statues or murals of dead communist butchers to pose for a photo with.

I guess we should be thankful that he won't try to close the Vietnam Veterans Memorial or The National World War 2 Memorial (again).

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Oh Look, Meathead Has A Theory

Last week, actor-director Rob Reiner opined that supporters of Donald Trump support him because they are racist bigots.

Here to give a counter-point is Archie from Queens:

Well, well, well, if it ain't Meathead flapping his gums again! So, he thinks that us Trumpsters are all racist bigots. I bet that that stupid Polack belongs to The Bums For Bernie Caucus! Sanders didn't find his first job until he was 40 YEARS OLD! How in the Heck is THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

Meathead's idea of racial equality works like THIS....Us poor, White schlubs work, and Black families collect a nice welfare check. It's all nice an' good as long as you remain on The Democrat Party plantation, dependent on politician commies like Bernie and Hillary.

Now, Donald Trump is a Republican, so that automatically makes him a right-wing racist? He wants to control the border, so that makes him some kind of monster.

That goofball Reiner must think that all Latinos support illigal immigration. To me, THAT'S RACIST. What a Meathead.

Commie-libs like Meathead like to describe those in our country illigally as "dreamers." What about all us natually-born Americans and OUR DREAMS? We get ripped off and defrauded by commie jack-asses, our taxes raised, and our health care cancelled.

My dream is to be left alone!

I wonder what would happen if some illegal aliens moved in next door to that super-rich Meathead. If you could get any common sense into that liberal Meathead's grey matter, he'd change his tune. Maybe he'd direct a movie about the murder of Kate Steinle or somethin'....

....but I'm not holding my breath.

The President Denigrates Hard-Working Americans (Again)

The president is speaking at a Black high school commencement. We join it in progress:

I'm so glad to be here today, speaking to you, and not having to attend all your funerals in the most racist country on Earth.

As the most powerful man on Earth, I STILL run into constant racism. My critics are STILL criticizing me on talk radio, and I STILL haven't been able to silence them. There is still no justice.....

 Then, there's are all those entrepreneurial crackers with their businesses, making money hand over fist who need to understand that they are winners of life's lottery.

They are LUCKY to be White. Many of them get into the military. They were LUCKY to get back home in one piece. Some of these LUCKY crackers went on to college, and were LUCKY that they studied hard, and became lawyers and doctors. They are LUCKY to pay high taxes, and extremely lucky to lose their health care due to The Affordable Health care Act. 

At least these LUCKY crackers still have jobs.

Many of these winners of life's lottery started businesses. but THEY DIN'T BUILD THAT!!!

And so, YOU will be out in the real world, unless you go to college. Hopefully, you'll be like my good friend Bill Ayers. You'll bomb a police station, kill a few crackers, then some university will reward you with a tenured professor job.

Go to college. and you can learn how to silence your critics. You will be safe from criticism, and get good grades as long as you spout the communist party line. Then you can help me 'fundementally transform' this country into my Muslim-leftist utopia.

That's my time. I'm outta here.

Allahu Akhbar.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Obama To Begin Far Eastern Leg Of "World Apology Tour" In Hiroshima

Fresh off his sick, weird transgender bathroom decree, our Apologizer-in-Chief announced the start of the Far Eastern leg of his World Apology Tour that will begin in Hiroshima, Japan on May 27.

He will speak against nuclear weapons. He believes only Iranian mullahs should be in control of nuclear weapons, just like he believes only dangerous Mexican drug dealers should have guns.

The madness continues. I understand that they're printing up t-shirts.


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Kasich Drops Out And Feeds His Face

The day after Texas Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz suspended his campaign, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced that he too is dropping out of the race. He made his announcement at a Cincinnati Arby's:

"I wish that I could stay in this race (dips his sandwich into a condiment cup of au jus, then takes a large bite) but um notmgettin enoughm votes (He swallows the bite, and as the food goes down his gullet, there's a pained expression on his face).

I've never mentioned this before, but I am the son of a mailman....(He takes ANOTHER bite as photographers take pictures) andm um so proud ofum where I cameumfromummmm....I'mummm so proud of my staffummmm, as well as muh family ummmmmm)

(He forces the food down his throat, and begins talking again) I am so proud of my great home state of Ohio, and the God-fearing residents who work so hard and raise their kids, and..... (He takes ANOTHER bite as photographers take more pictures) family valuesummm an' doing the right thingsmmmmm.....................

Belch.......................God Bless America, and God Bless the great state of Ohio!"

 

An RSR Exclusive: Ted Cruz Suspends Candidacy Amid Revelations

One week ago, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz dropped out of the race for the White House. It was revealed that his father Raphael helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate President John F. Kennedy.

In an RSR exclusive, we have dug even deeper into the Cruz family history, and discovered that Ted's great-grandfather Marco assisted in the assassination of president William McKinley on September 6, 1901.

We can also confirm that the presidential candidate IS INDEED The Zodiac Killer, that he has a dildo fetish, AND that and that he was also born in Canada.


We asked our secret source how he and his crack staff of fact-gatherers were able to extensively vet this candidate with such a troubling personal and family history.

"Me and my staff are proud of ourselves and the facts we dig up. We leave no stone unturned. We're especially proud of the great job we and the mainstream news media did in vetting presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Just wait until we show the world what we found about Republican front-runner and presumptive nominee. Donald Trump. It will make your head spin." 

Monday, April 25, 2016

Future Headline

FORMER MANSON FOLLOWER / KILLER VAN HOUTEN ACCEPTS UC BERKELEY PROFESSORSHIP


What Will The Minneapolis City Council Ban Next?

Our heroic Minneapolis City Council has voted to ban plastic grocery bags. They've solved all our problems, and now our cupboards will be uncluttered and unpolluted too.

Now that our liberal overlords have banned this scourge, it's time for these control freaks to ban something else. Your bushy-tailed correspondent has a source inside City Hall, and now we know what The Minneapolis City Council will ban next:

Bacon.

To a liberal, everything they like must be mandatory, and everything they don't like must be banned. Liberals are incapable of solving actual problems, so they create a crisis, and tell you they care about the imaginary crisis.

Liberals wreck economies, but because they don't know how the economy works, they will create a strange, fringy issue, such as allowing transgender weirdos into the girl's bathroom. Then, they will accuse normal people of being bigots for not allowing this activity.

But, let's get back to bacon.

Normal Americans love bacon, and that's a problem for many liberals. There's fat and cholesterol in bacon, and that's unhealthy. Liberal killjoys like Michelle Obama are opposed to fat and cholesterol, unless it's being served at The White House.

Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges is always looking for ways to appeal to her Somali-Muslim voters. She dons a Muslim burqa when meeting with her supporters, and banning bacon would also please her Muslim voters. Muslims in The City of Lakes who frequent city food shelves will no longer be offended by seeing food products made of pig flesh.

This ban would also appeal to the Animal Rights crowd.

Our liberal overlords are always looking out for us. Remember to thank them when they're up for re-election in 2017.







Thursday, April 7, 2016

Goodbye, American Idol

Tonight was the American Idol series finale, and your bushy-tailed correspondent already misses this fine TV show.



Come to think of it, I missed the last 9 seasons.....

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Raul Takes Barry Out To The Woodshed, Then To A Ball Game

Wow, now that was a productive trip....for Raul Castro.

After schooling our 6-year-old president on all the evils of freedom, democracy, and capitalism during a press conference in Cuba, their brutal Communist dictator Raul Castro took Barry to a baseball game.

They may have enjoyed some peanuts and popcorn, and maybe some Cracker Jacks, while the terrorized citizens of Brussels, Belgium were collecting 31 dead bodies from the latest Islamo-Nazi terrorist attack on Brussels Airport.

We understand that our 'What, Me Worry?' president has returned the favor, and invited his comrade Raul to a Chicago White Sox baseball game at Kaminsky Field. 

Remember How The Democrats Treated Robert Bork?

It appears that the Republican-controlled Senate may not have a confirmation vote for President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Merrick Garland. Nearly all of the GOP Senators would rather wait until after the presidential election to confirm the replacement for the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes in fairness, and hopes that The Republicans are just as fair to Judge Garland as the Democrats were to Judge Robert Bork during his 1987 hearings....

Monday, March 14, 2016

Bernie Sanders Needs To Revise His Southern Strategy

Socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has won several Northern states promising free college and healthcare, but Hillary Clinton is winning big in the South.

It appears that Southern liberals like being spoken to in a fake Negro dialect. Maybe Sanders needs to stop sounding so North-eastern, and start speaking like a southern preacher, or begin speaking in Black Jive:




"Ahhh don't feel noways tired. Aaaa've come too faaaar from where Aaah started frum"

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

In A Sane World....

....our traitorous president would have been physically removed from the White House by now.

....Hillary Clinton would be awaiting trial, not running for president.

....73-year-old socialist Bernie Sanders would be laughed out of the room if he had announced that he's running for president.

....Nancy Pelosi would have absolutely no say in your health care.

....Al Sharpton would be prosecuted for evading taxes, not given his own television program.

....Jews in America would be voting Republican.

....White European women would arm themselves, and that would solve the problem of Muslim rape gangs.

....and The GOP establishment would start listening to it's constituents.

Monday, March 7, 2016

This Just In: Schwarzenegger Endorses Kasich

Yesterday, former California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed Ohio Governor John Kasich for president.


We here at RSR are breathlessly waiting for the all-important Hans and Franz endorsement. The announcement will surely pump many voters up.

Monday, February 29, 2016

The GOP Foodfight

You have to admit that this has been the wildest campaign season ever. Donald Trump has been the Bluto Blutarsky of The GOP. Oh look, he just pulled Carley Fiorina's pigtails. Hey, look over there. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is pulling Florida Senator Marco Rubio's pants down.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz points out Trump's record, and now Trump is going to the playground monitor, threatening to sue Cruz. Now, The Donald is sticking a cream pie in Jeb Bush's face. This GOP campaign is a riot!

We haven't had this much fun since The Germans attacked Pearl Harbor (Don't stop me, I'm on a roll). Oh, look at this! Now, Ted Cruz is going Bluto on the always mellow Dr. Ben Carson. He just told unsuspecting voters that Carson is dropping out of the race! It's like the neurosurgeon had an acoustic guitar, and Cruz smashed it.

I propose that the Republican National Convention be turned into a giant toga party, and invite Otis Day and The Knights to perform.

In 2016, all of the energy is with The GOP. While the Democrats feature two, decrepit Socialist Progressive Communists yapping about their failed ideology, the Republicans are owning this election cycle. Just take a look at the TV ratings of their debates.

Hey look, Ted is holding Don's arms, and Marco is giving the billionaire a purple nurple. I wonder if they'll try to stick his face in the toilet.









Friday, February 26, 2016

10 Ways Hillary Clinton Can Still Out-Commie Bernie Sanders

It appears that Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders is gaining on supposed front-runner Hillary Clinton. In fact, she may be losing.

Here are The Top 10 ways that she can get those ultra-leftist voters back into her camp:

10. Grow a Josev Stalin moustache

 9. Wear a Hammer and Sickle pin on her Mao jacket.

 8. Bang a shoe on the podium.

 7. promise to open FEMA camps by 2018.

 6. Assemble a group of 6-year-old crumb-crunchers to record a creepy song just like Obama did.

 5. promise free healthcare

 4. promise free college

 3. ponies for everyone

 2. promise to have all American businesses nationalized

 1. have some refuseniks gunned down

 

The RedSquirrel Report Turns 5 Years Old


On February 16th, this blog turned five years old. There are some people I wish to acknowledge for getting me interested in the fun world of blogging. I should thank our founding fathers for coming up with The First Amendment. Freedom of speech is important, especially for conservative bombthrowers like myself.

Five years ago, I had an idea. I wanted to make fun of newsmakers and politicians, and so I created a smart-alecky, bushy-tailed rodent reporter. I'm a fan of local columnist Joe Soucheray's Garage Logic concept, and imagined the squirrel as a resident of this imaginary town.

I thank Mitch Berg (Shot In The Dark.info) and John Hinderaker (Powerline), two local bloggers who got me interested in this medium. It's fun when a small blog like mine gets mentioned on a more prestigious blog like SITD.info.

I also thank Barack Obama, for giving me SO MUCH MATERIAL! The last eight years has been great for conservative bloggers. I just hope that he doesn't have us all thrown in prison or FEMA camps.

Oh, and I should also thank Google, for giving me this free platform. Thanks, Googs.



In Your Face, Drudge Report....

At 2:46 a.m., this blog reached 100,000 pageviews.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Beyonce's Black Lives Matter Superbowl Halftime Show, Sponsored By The Black Panthers



Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to The Beyonce Black Lives Matter Superbowl Halftime Show, sponsored by The Black Panthers!

Oh look! There's our pampered diva Beyonce in a Black stretch limo, along with her personal police escort! They're making sure that she'll make it here on time. Must be all that White privilege we keep reading about!

Let's listen in as Beyonce takes the stage! She's singing some sort of anti-police protest song.....or maybe she's just a Carolina Black Panthers fan. Who knows?

Now, there's 200 back-up dancers in white hoodies up there on the huge stage. If our Muslim President Barack Obama had 200 sons..................

As you know, The Carolina Panthers QB is Black man, Cam Newton! He makes only several millions each year playing a sportsball game! Oh, the inhumanity! It's time to organize another march!

It looks like Beyonce is shaking it in tribute to 'the gentle giant Michael Brown'. I guess that convenience store owner should have just let Brown steal those cigars, and that racist cop should have let him take his gun....

Oh look, it's Bruno Mars and that White guy from Coldplay....

Well, that's the end of Beyonce's Black Lives Matter Superbowl Halftime Show, sponsored by The Black Panthers. Enjoy the second half!






Wednesday, February 17, 2016

And Now, A Word From Our New Sponsor

You're a career criminal on the campaign trail. You go from city to city, lying and demonizing your opponents like there's no tomorrow....

....and suddenly, you develop an UNCONTROLLABLE COUGH.

 It's a deep, hacking cough. It's almost like God himself is trying to push your lies back down into your throat.

Try "An Once Of Honesty' throat drops. This tasty losenge coats your throat with tiny truth sparkles that clears your gullet, as well as your conscience!

It may even....

Before: Hillary Clinton accuses Republicans of racism, blames Republican Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder for the lead in the water pipes in Flint....

After: I did it. I broke Federal laws. I sold our national secrets to our enemies. The Clinton Foundation is a big money-laundering scam. Whitewater, cattle futures, Benghazi.....I lied.....

Try "An Ounce Of Honesty" today!  

A Special Place In Hell....Well, Isn't That Special?

During a recent campaign appearance with Democrat Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said that 'there's a special place in Hell for women who don't help other women.'


I am sure that Juanita Broaddrick

and Paula Jones

and Kathleen Willey

and Dolly Kyle Browning

and the dozens of other women victimized by serial rapist / Harasser-in-Chief Bill Clinton and his enabler Hillary Clinton would agree.