Sunday, October 30, 2011

Happy Halloween From The Obamas

Happy Halloween, America. It's the neighborhood bully, President Barack Hussein Obama.

As Michelle and our Senior Advisers, Malia and Sasha, hand out candy and dried fruit to trick-or-treaters, union leaders and Solyndra executives will be bobbing for bribes in the White House ballroom. This week, I am stealing candy from some, and redistributing the candy to the suckers who got college loans, but won't pay them back.

And we always have plenty of vampires to suck the taxpayers of their blood.

Earlier today, I got quite a scare, when a girl in a scary witch costume came trick-or-treating. I opened the door and saw her, and said, "My! What a scary little witch!"
She gave me an unblinking, evil eye, and yelled, "I'm not wearing a costume! I'm Nancy Pelosi! I'm here for the 2:00 p.m. meeting!"

Now those two hooligans, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, are egging my house. I better get Attack Watch on the case. I have The Great Pumpkin on the t.v. right now......oh, that's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on CNN.

What the hell is that snickering sound? It sounds like a red squirrel.

One neighbor that I WON'T be inviting to the party is that grumpy old man, Michael Savage. That mean old man's psychotic mutt, Teddy, keeps digging through Michelle's victory garden.

We have a swingin' Halloween Bash in full force. Oh look, there's the Night Of The Living Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid hobnobbing with the winner of our drag queen contest, Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts. Wow, that's one heck of a Marilyn Monroe costume.

Austan Ghoulsbee has the scariest costume of them all. He's arrived as a tombstone, with the words 'Rest In Peace, American Economy 1776-2011'.

The presidential election will be in full swing next year, and if you think that this Halloween is scary, just wait! Halloween 2012 promises to be the most horrifying freak show EVER!  But don't worry, America.

My 'civilian security force'  in purple t-shirts will be patrolling the streets, and on election day 2012, the Black Panthers will be standing guard outside each polling place.

Happy Halloween on behalf of The Obamas, and if you don't have a great Halloween, just remember:

I inherited this holiday from the previous administration. Thank you.

The One.

Is The Title Too Long?

With your bushy-tailed correspondent having finished his 6,666-page biography on George Soros, I would like to know if my 'working title' is too long.

The working title is:

George Soros-The Scourge Of Moldavia, The Sorrow Of Carpathia, The Destroyer Of Currencies, Nations, And Drug Laws. Inside The Twisted World Of A Leftist Billionaire, And How This Evil Money Changer Succeeded In Wrecking Entire Civilizations Since 1490....

I think it's just right.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm Finally Done With The Manuscript!

Your bushy-tailed correspondent has finally completed the manuscript of the unauthorized biography of George Soros. All 6,666 pages of it. Now, I begin the process of getting this thing published, so I'll be looking for a literary agent.

I thought that I would treat both of my readers with an exciting preview. Here is page 6,666. Enjoy.

In the Summer of 2011, Soros and his generals (United States President Barack Hussein Obama and Secretary General Hilliary Clinton) were pleased by the success of their latest effort, also known as 'the Arab Spring'. This bloody revolution took out both Hosni Mubarak, as well as Moammar Qaddafi. Their friends, the Muslim Brotherhood, had succeeded in toppling long-standing dictatorships, and are ready to install Shariah law in Egypt and Libya.

Currently, Soros is using the same model in his Communistic overthrow of United States. In August 2011, he instructed his generals at the Tides Foundation to organize a series of protests. And so, the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement was hatched. Soros explains his plans for worldwide domination this way, in a creepy, Hungarian accent:

"I think that breaking currencies worldwide, and turning America into a land of drug zombies through drug legalization, is all well and good, but time is getting short. That Nazarene pipsqueak is on his way to whisk the Christians off of this planet, so I, along with my generals, have to get cracking. Those wonderful protesters are all my children, and they will be fodder for my globalist takeover. Soon, with the believers in that goody-two-shoes Nazarene off the planet, me and my generals are going to have one HELL of a party.

They say that the party will last for seven years. My lawyer, Villhelm Kunsler, is suing that old fogey, Yahweh. After we take this world, we will depose him next. Then, as the heavenly host wails uncontrollably, I will spit molten lava from hell into the face of God himself!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The New RedSquirrel Poll

Our pollster asked 753 demonstrators at the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests a few questions concerning the current state of our country.

Question 1- Do you agree with Roseanne Barr, that the rich should be forced to give up their wealth, or be be-headed?

Agree 27%  Disagree 54%  Don't know 19%

Question 2- What should we do with the Jewish bankers?

Take their wealth, and send them to concentration camps 21%
Harass them, picket their houses, and frighten their families 43%
Continue protests, but leave it at that 17%
Eat them 12%

What is your occupation?

I am a professional protester  37%
I am a professional student  28%
I am a union official 13%
I work in the news media  9%
I am a full-time couch jockey 12%

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Joe Biden's Stupid Meter Goes To 11

In the terrific 1980's mockumentary, 'This Is Spinal Tap', the band's lead guitarist, Nigel Tufnel showed off his amplifier.

"All these knobs go to 11", the proud guitarist said proudly.

Vice Perp Joe Biden is equally proud of his stupid meter, which also tops out at 11. The court jester of the Obama Regime has taken his weirdness on the road in recent days. In Flint, Michigan, he all but promised an explosion of rape and murder if the dirty Republicans won't support Obama's 'jobs bill'.

Last week, he took his insanity to an elementary school .

 In the month since I ratted out my own blog to The Regime's Stasi-esque ATTACK WATCH!, I've gotten daily requests for campaign contributions. About two weeks ago, I was checking my in-box, when I found another request. This one was from JOE BIDEN....

What follows isn't the actual e-mail from the Vice-Perp, but it's pretty close....

On behalf of Obama 2012, I would like to thank you for your support. It's very important that you stand with us as we combat the Republicans. We need you to stand with us (unless you're wheelchair-bound), and send us your most generous contribution. The administration is doing it's best to keep the murder and rape rates low, and the best way you can help us is to send us some cash. Also, you can help our clean, articulate black president by volunteering for Obama For America.
It's all about a little 4-letter word. (win).

Thank you.

Qaddafi Duck Cancelled

With the killing of Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi last Thursday, Libya's state-run television network has decided to cancel it's most popular cartoon, Qaddaffy Duck.

Last Thursday, the former dictator was found hiding in a drainage pipe, then taken by rebels, before he was shot to death. Disturbing video of his final moments were viewed worldwide.

 Time-Warner Entertainment is in negotiation with the rebels about possibly creating a new cartoon series, teaming Qaddaffy Duck and a new character, El-Mar Fuuddammad.

In one episode currently being storyboarded, Qaddaffy Duck negotiates with the rebel/hunter Fuuddammad, as to whether the hunter should shoot the hapless duck later, or cancel the trial, and shoot him now.

If the planned cartoon mirrors history, the rebel/hunter will shoot him now.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Loon Of The Week

Longfellow Loon has found time to tear himself away from The Occupy MN demonstrations, and awards this week's Loon Of The Week Award to a deserving lefty loonatic. Take it away, Loony.


Thanks Squirley. This week,  The Loon Of The Week Award goes to Zbigniew Brzezinski. The former advisor to President Jimmuh Carter appeared on MSNBC's Morning Joe, with his little girl (co-host Mika Brzezinsnki), and suggested that what this world needs is a nice, long list of evil rich people. Wow, Z-Big's light bulb is sure burning bright, isn't it!

The real problem is that the eeeevil rich aren't sharing their money, and what we need to do is put them on a list. Everyone can see the list, and maybe picket their great, big houses.

Now, if that doesn't work, maybe what we need to do is sew a big dollar sign on their sleeve. I once saw something sort've like that on The History Channel. Maybe that'll open up their wallets.

We don't have to actually put the eeevil rich in ghettos, like the Nazis did to the Jews. The eeevil rich already have their own ghettos. In America, these ghettos are called 'rich neighborhoods'.

So, this week's Loooon Of The Week Award goes to Zbigniew Brzezinski. Wow, that name just rolls off the tongue!


Thank you, Longfellow Loon.  As usual, you did a loontastic job.

Where Is Protest Warrior?

Does anybody remember the names Alan Lipton and Kfir Alfia, collectively known as Protest Warrior? They were those guys who would crash the anti-Iraq War/ anti-Bush protests with their comical counter-protest signs. They where highly popular in the alternative news media about six years ago, appearing on Rush Limbaugh's radio show, as well as The NARN.

These days, as I watch these 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations all over the country, with their 'lovely' signs that read 'Eat The Rich' or 'Castrate The Jewish Bankers', I would like to see the return of Protest Warrior.

Of course, I have my own mock-up sign ideas:


Leave My Nuts Alone

Your bushy-tailed reactionary sees the protest signs from these 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations, and wonder if a counter-demonstration is just around the corner.

Like most normal Americans, I generally believe that the government does way more damage to this society than Wall Street, and see the protest signs as proof that the university system has done a mighty fine job of producing at least two generations of dumbed-down, leftist low-lifes.

In the 1700's, a flag was produced that summarized our founding father's passion for freedom. It featured a snake, and four, simple words:  Don't Tread On Me. Watching these demonstrators, four words come this pro-capitalist red squirrel's mind:

As I've posted before, I am fairly industrious, although I am far from financially wealthy. I don't have a lot, but those wealthier than me really don't owe me anything. I don't want their stuff, and I don't want the government taking my stuff and redistributing it. Dig?

Leave My Nuts Alone is my little slogan for all us little shlubs out there that believe in capitalism. It's a slogan for Grover Norquist's Leave Me Alone Coalition, and also describes David Strom's 'think like a conservative even if you're in a liberal's income range' ethos.

My slogan has a ribald sense of humor. It's scatological.  It's upside-down, like an American flag in distress.

Does anybody want to screen print some t-shirts?  If capitalism's going down, at least we can make some money for our trouble.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Racists For Herman Cain

Without a doubt, the most overused and abused word in the English language is the word, 'racist'. If a conservative orders a pizza in Kansas, you can bet your bottom dollar that Harry Belafonte is on his banana boat somewhere, yelling 'Racist!'

Millions of Americans didn't vote for Barack Hussein Obama in 2008. Political scientist Janeanne Garofalo opined that those who didn't sufficiently support The Messiah were racists.  Now, millions of Americans support Republican Herman Cain's candidacy, and Janeanne Garofalo calls THEM racist.

In Adam Carolla's book, 'In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks', Carolla states that for every racist out there, there are about 24 people who really aren't. I want to see his math.

Originally, I supported Sarah Palin's possible presidential run, because I wanted to see the state-run news media's collective head explode. Now, I am looking to Herman Cain as my favorite candidate. In fact, I am interested in screen printing up some t-shirts that read, 'Racists For Herman Cain'.

I think that America has had enough of these chronic race-accusers like Garofalo and Belafonte.  Instead of being so afraid of them, let's laugh at them. Dig?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession an explosive, shocking communique from ego maniacal financier George Soros to ego maniacal President Barack Hussein Obama. The subject of this letter is the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations.

This letter is to be read in a thick, creepy Hungarian accent. In part it reads:

Dear Mr. President,
I trust that you have received my latest campaign contribution. 'Father' says 'hi.' He just 'finished' watching the news. That Nancy Pelosi really turns him on.

We are quite pleased with the international turmoil that Micheal (Lerner) and the gang are causing. I knew that destroying the primary educational system would come in handy. Our takeover of the universities have brought America to it's knees!  From that nutcase in Los Angeles screaming for bloody revolution to that idiot crapping on the police car to the wacky signs.....I am sure glad that we have all those willing, useful little idiots to distract the country.

Only those troublemakers on talk radio and the right-wing blogosphere seems to be concerned with Solyndra, LightSquared, and Fast And Furious. This Communist revolution seems to be the perfect distraction. As for our friends in the news media, my army of  false prophets have dumbed down the public to the point that over 40% still support YOU!

And you're TRYING to destroy what's left of the free market system!

The revolution is so close. All we need is some violent reaction from the authorities. Just ask MSNBC's Donny Deutch.

We may have trouble keeping Attorney General Holder. If he has to go, father wants you to replace him with Roseanne Barr.

My people are more less pleased with the job you're doing. Soon, we will have our hellish paradise, and it is then when father will spit molten lava into the face of Yahweh himself.

Keep strong.


Open Letter To ESPN Monday Night Football (From Hank Williams Jr.)

From : Hank Williams Jr.


Dear ESPN,

Are you ready for low ratings? That's what yer gettin' for takin' my theme song off your Monday Night Football telecast.

In the name of political correctness, You guys have shot yourselves in the foot. By taking the ole' Bosephus classic intro away from your fans, all my rowdy friends will not be watching ESPN any more.

In case you hadn't noticed, my song "All My Rowdy Friends", goes perfectly with ANY sport. Are you ready for baseball? hockey? NASCAR? B-Ball? Softball? Swimming? Jai Lai? Bowling? My song will be a theme song again very soon.

It doesn't matter which sport. My song is the perfect sports theme song.

I am also in contract talks with your Monday night competition. When CBS brings "Big Bang Theory" back to Monday nights, my song will be "So you want A BIG BANG?  A Monday Night PARRRR-TEEEE!!!!

I am in negotiations with the producers of "Dancing With The Stars". "So you want SOME DANCING!!!!
A WILD DANCING PARTY! We got Chaz Bono and the gang...."

You get the drift, Hoss?

Even the fine folks at "Hawaii Five-O" are thinking of changing their theme song. "Are you ready for some FIVE-O? A CRIMEFIGHTIN' PARTY".

You guys won't be able to escape the mighty Bosephus train! And when it hits, "YOU'LL LOOK LIKE WILEY COYOTE! A SPLITTIN' HEADACHE PARTY!!!!"

You will even hear my song in your nightmares.

Yours truly. Hank.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Why Am I Here?

Today, your bushy-tailed reporter is feeling a little philosophical. I was just pondering the question. "What am I doing here?"

The RedSquirrel Report is mostly a news parody blog. our motto is: Gathering Up, Feasting On, And Snickering At The World's Collective Nuttiness (Since 2011).  My function is making fun of the craziness on planet Earth. Much of this involves making fun of this nation's political scene.

We all know that politicians lie constantly. We know that they are incessantly corrupt. Yet, when they yammer on to their friends in the state-run news media, we somehow forget that they are liars, and are taken in by the picture on the screen and the text on the front page.

I see my blog as a translation of what these liars actually mean when they are lying to you.

Example: President Obama introduces his 'jobs bill'. We all know that he knows absolutely nothing about the real world. We also know that he's the most dishonest, corrupt, and arrogant politician in this country's history. So, when he stands before a friendly crowd, and starts yelling, "PASS THIS BILL!", my internal translator hears, "I want $$$$$$$$ to put in my personal slush fund, and I want to shower my leftist supporters with lotsa goodies!"

But yesterday, something made me wonder if I should just give this up.

Joe Biden, the court jester in the Kingdom of Obama, made an appearance in Flint, Michigan. He practically promised the residents of that depressed city that the rape and murder rate in Flint will explode if the Obama's jobs bill isn't passed.

It was then I almost quit. With Joe Biden around to make these insane pronouncements, I sometimes wonder if there's any point in continuing this news parody blog. 

Please, President Obama. Keep this master of self-parody on as your running mate.

This Presidential Debate Has Been Sponsored By The League Of Men Voters

The Republican presidential candidates took their show to New Hampshire the other night, in a debate moderated by  Charlie Rose. Karen Tumulty and  Juliana Goldman .
Many of these these presidential debates are sponsored by The League Of Women Voters, and nearly every single question ever asked at these debates seems geared toward making young, liberal, women nod their heads and smile.

Example: "How will you lousy Republican candidates strengthen Social Security and cut my baby daddy's payroll tax, so that my daycare and health care costs can be kept under control?"

I wonder why no League Of Men Voters exists. I wish that I could see a presidential debate begin with the following words:

"Good evening. I am Megyn Kelly from Fox News. Tonight's League Of Men Voters Presidential Debate will be co-moderated by Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Hugh Hewitt."

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Mr. President, Can You Just Give It A Rest?

Darryl Issa (Republican-CA) , the grievously over-worked Chairman of The House Of Representatives Oversight And Government Reform Committee, hasn't slept in about five months.

"I just need some sleep!", the groggy California Republican said to reporters last Friday. "Damn, the Obama Regime is so corrupt, I think that my job is killing me!"

Today, Issa has subpoenaed Obama's Attorney General, Eric Holder, who is deeply involved in The Obama Regime's 'Fast And Furious' scandal.

"My staff has dumped some files on Solyndra, Light Squared, and several other, on-going investigations on my desk. Actually, I need four or five more cabinets. It's been so long since I've had a decent night of sleep, my eyes feel like they've shrunk," Issa said.

Chairman Issa wishes that The Regime would just give his committee a couple of days to catch up. Several of Issa's over-worked staffers are complaining, stating that Obama acts as if  'the laws don't apply to him'.

"If Obama, Holder and the rest of The Regime could just take a couple of days off, maybe go on a nice. long vacation, then me and my people can finish work on one, maybe two of the ongoing investigations," the California representative stated hopefully, loosening his tie.

"I need a scorecard to keep up with all of this non-stop corruption."

Sunday, October 9, 2011


The RedSquirrel Report has just reached the 1,000th page view mark! The mighty squirrel has roared.

In February, the new media powerhouse made it's debut.  From the very beginning, The RedSquirrel Report has investigated and reported on the biggest stories of 2011. It was our expose' of Governor Crazy Eyes Mark Dayton, and his letter to the GOP leaders proving that it was HE  holding the state of Minnesota hostage, that blew the lid off the 3-week state shutdown.
We at The RedSquirrel Report are never afraid of giving the corrupt and the greedy their media colonoscopy. It was just last month that we discovered the bug up Al Gore's A$$.

Also, the greatest political commentators on the national scene contribute their pearls of wisdom to only The RedSquirrel Report. ('Why I Support Ron Paul For President' By Barry Manilow').

Also, The RedSquirrel Report is second-to-none in it's reporting on the ongoing corruption, criminality, and ineptitude of The Obama Regime.

Stay tuned . And to our readers, thank you.

J. Redsquirrel

Last Friday Night....

....our cartoonist, Joe, was hard at work when our favorite Democrat, Dick Franson, came by for some dinner.

The venerable Vietnam War veteran disclosed that he will be printing up some campaign lawn signs, as he gears up for his primary challenge against first-term incumbent, Sen. Amy Kloubachar.

Joe the cartoonist spoke with Mr. Franson briefly, and suggested that the two of them make an appearance at the OccupyMN demonstration.

"Yeah, we could print up some signs that read: 'Get A Job', "Joe laughed.

Roseanne Takes Her Reign Of Terror On The Road

Former comedienne Roseanne Barr takes her vanity presidential candidacy on the road this week. It was a week ago when The Red Queen herself appeared on Russia Today w/ Max Keiser, and suggested that guilty, rich capitalists should be beheaded.

The candidate will make stops at the Danvers State Hospital For The Criminally Insane, as well as the Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island, where she is sure to receive a loud, raucous applause from her base supporters.

From there, she is scheduled to speak at The Baltimore State Hospital For The Criminally Insane.

She will end the week with a Hollywood fundraiser.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

What Do You Get When You Cross The Star Wars Catina Bar Scene And The Island Of Misfit Commies?

As I watched the 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstration in New York, it made me wonder 'What ever became of Conan O'Brien's roving canine correspondent, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog?' I don't know about you, but I think that a report from Triumph is what this country needs to take it's mind off its impending Communist revolution.

I imagine the report going SOMETHING LIKE THIS....

Opening shot: Triumph stands, with a microphone 'in his paw', before the sea of unkempt demonstrators.

"What do you get when you cross The Star Wars Catina bar scene and The Island Of Misfit Commies? You get the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations. You can just feel the hatred for capitalism, as well as the whiff of anti-semitism. Just look at the sea of human debris. This is a great demonstration....FOR ME TO POOP ON!" (camera pans, panorama view of demonstrators). '

Triumph finds a topless woman with a moustache. "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Josephine Stalin". (laughter).

Triumph finds a victim....I mean, a demonstrator, and asks him, "So, what brings you out?" The demonstrator is incoherent, yapping about the Koch Brothers and the Jews, or something. Finally, Triumph insults the demonstrator (laughter), and gives him a parting gift basket.(soap and deodorant. more laughter.)

Triumph talks to one of the organizers. The doofus decries corporate America, all the while using an i-pod. Triumph follows him into a McDonald's bathroom.(another corporation. more laughter).

Triumph ridicules some of the placards and signs, then signs off.

Before I sign off, I have a question. Does anybody out there have a red squirrel hand puppet for sale?

Minnesota Vikings Eliminated

Wow, that was a mighty short NFL season! After only four games, The Minnesota Vikings are already eliminated from play-off contention. In week one, the team suffered a second-half meltdown against the San Diego Chargers. In week 2, the team suffered a second-half meltdown against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. In week three, the team suffered an even bigger second-half meltdown against division rival, the Detroit Lions and lost in overtime.

Last week, the Vikes did put together four quarters of........consistently crappy play vs. the godawful Kansas City Chiefs, and lost again.

....And the hometown team hasn't even played division champs Chicago Bears or last year's Superbowl Champs, the evil Green Bay Packers, yet. There's 4 more losses.

Do yourself a favor, Minnesota. Don't even watch the rest of the season. You will only be wasting your time.

Report: Pizza Is Killing You!

I was listening to Limbaugh today, and he noted that these Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were happening at a time when a GOP presidential candidate with close ties to Wall Street, Mitt Romney, was still leading in the polls. Of course, the state-controlled news media is still doing the bidding of The Messiah.

Many in the drive-by news media are busy smearing Texas Governor Rick Perry, with never-ending charges of RACISM.

Recently, a third candidate has climbed into contention, and has even won the recent Florida Straw Poll- former head of Godfathers Pizza, Herman Cain.

I am just wondering when the drive-bys will begin their all-out assault on Mr. Cain. If Rasmussen releases a poll, stating that the pizza guy leads Obama, you will be seeing the following headline soon:

                     REPORT:  PIZZA IS KILLING YOU

Then, if Mr. Cain becomes the Republican nominee, we will all see an avalanche of reports from The Department of Health that will report that pizza damages the arteries more than previously reported. The news media will follow Republican challenger Herman Cain in and out of his campaign bus, and protesters with pre-printed signs will shout "KILLER!"

Then, the drive-bys will ask The Messiah about this, and he will promise to save America from the evil pizza man.

Redistricting Made Fun

This past Saturday, I listened to The NARN (Northern Alliance Radio Network on 1280 AM The Patriot) as I usually do. Host Mitch Berg had MNGOP Chairman Tony Sutton and Deputy Chairman Michael Brodkorb on to discuss redistricting.
They explained the minutiae of redistricting, as well as the partisan forces battling over how the state will redraw it's legislative districts. On one side, you have Sutton, Brodkorb, and GOP Minnesotans For Fair Redistricting. On the left, you have The Midwest Democracy Network, Common Cause, The League Of Women Voters, The Joyce Foundation, and a 15-member 'non-partisian' commission that goes by the name of Draw The Line.

Sutton and Brodkorb stated their desire that this process be fair, and they wanted to avoid gerrymandering . Yeah, I already knew that. 'Pubs think in terms of morality, logic, and fairness, and Dems use sneaky lawyering to subvert our governmentzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

We at The RedSquirrel Report have discovered an exciting,  new group entering this fray, called "ReDraw Me MN!"

ReDraw Me MN founder, Sunny Swanson says that her organization wants to take the partisan haggling out of this process. ReDraw Me MN is offering any Minnesota resident a $10,000 National Endowment For The Arts grant for the best redrawn map.

This bushy-tailed reporter will enter this contest. I reside in Minnesota District 5, a dhimmicrat stronghold represented by Congressman-for-life, Keith Ellison. My entry will  include a District 5 that's drawn in the shape of a crescent.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Is Janeane Garofalo Actually Real?

Your bushy-tailed investigative reporter has uncovered the strange truth about comedienne Janeane Garofalo. Her real name is Marsha Schlotnik, and Janeane Garofalo is only a character she portrays.

We spoke to the 53-year-old actress, and she admits:

"Janeane is this insufferable character, like SNL's Debbie Downer, that I've been playing as a complete put-on for the last decade or so. It's funny when I go on Keith Olbermann's show, and say something absolutely idiotic, like 'Those Republicans support Herman Cain, because it's a racist thing, and don't like Obama, because it's a racist thing, and Herman Cain has Stockholm Syndrome, yada, yada, yada...."

We asked her about the Garofalo persona:

"The greasy hair, the glasses, the dyspeptic personality. I knew this Women's Studies professor in college, and I patterned Janeane after her", Marsha Schlotnik disclosed, laughing.

Silly Honky, Don't You Know That This University Is For Leftie Thugs?

On the campus of the University Of Minnesota-Duluth, student Phil Cleery celebrated Constitution Day by distributing pocket Constitutions. Blair Jordan Moses, a Huey Newton wannabe, decided that the university was perhaps getting a little TOO diverse, and made a physical threat against Cleery.

It was then that UMD's Director of the Office of Cultural Diversity, Susana Pelvano-Woodward, brought some much-needed sanity to this tense attacking Phil Cleery.

"Is your organization a white supremacist group?" She asked the white student, as she looked disapprovingly at his literature. "It sure looks like one".

I can see the television ad now. Welcome to The University Of of Minnesota-Duluth. We are proud of our rich diversity, unless you value western civilization. And, if you try to push your pocket constitution in our face, we might bust a cap in yo' ass.

Note:  Minnesota Democrats Exposed and The Blaze both have the video clip. If you are thinking about sending your child to college, you should watch this video.

Your Next Heavywieght Champion?

The speculation is getting hot and heavy regarding the possible presidential candidacy of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. I think that it would be fun to see an actual weigh-in between the rotund Governor and our little dictator.

As I peruse the commentary of some of my favorite conservative blogs, there are a lot of people who say that the big man isn't conservative enough. As for me, I would vote enthusiastically for a chattering teeth toy if it was opposing The Messiah. It wouldn't be possible for a chattering teeth toy to damage this country as much as our little dictator has.

There, I've weighed in.