Wednesday, July 31, 2013

What To Do If An ObamaCare 'Navigator' Visits You

The Obama Administration has announced that they will roll out a $700,000,000 campaign to get Americans enrolled in ObamaCare. They have their friends in Hollywood on hand to tell us that it's cool, and they have hired 16,000 new IRS agents to harass you into compliance.

Obama has also hired thousands of navigators to help The American People wade thru the mountains of paperwork involved

Sure, we here at The RedSquirrel Report know that this horrific law is now the law of the land, but we also believe there are millions of Americans who will refuse to take part in this madness. Your bushy-tailed community organizer is here to show all you freedom-loving refuseniks how to peacefully protest this terrible law.

You can attend an ObamaCare Card Burning Rally to show Washington just how angry you are. You can also burn your 65-page ObamaCare package.

When the ObamaCare navigator shows up at your front door, perhaps you can refuse to let him in. When he tells you to open the door, start taunting them in Franglais.

Insult his family. Call his mother a hamster and his father a drunk. If you have friends over, throw stuff out the window.

Catapult a cow thru your chimney. If you have any chickens, toss them out of your second-story window. Maybe one of the chickens will peck their eyes out.

Eventually, you may be killed by the police, but at least you will have made your feelings known.

200 years from now, the history books will note your protests against this terrible law, right there along with abolitionist John Brown and the millions of Americans who burned their draft cards.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Because Obama Got High

I was gonna carry out the laws, but then I got high
Wasn't gonna hire these czars, but then I got high
Now America's screwed, an' I don't know why (why? why?)
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I was gonna create some jobs, but then I got high
I wasn't gonna whip up these mobs, but then I got high
I'm a big race-baiting jerk, an' I don't know why (why? why?)
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I wasn't gonna hide my records, but then I got high
I'm a paranoid dope-head, because I got high
Spent millions hiding my past, an' you don't need to know why (why? why?)
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I was gonna let you keep your plan, but then I got high
Was gonna read it with Harry n' Nan, but then I got high
Everybody hates ObamaCare, an' I don't know why (why? why?)
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I wasn't gonna sell those guns, but then I got high
Wasn't gonna hurt no one, but then I got high
Now lots of people are dead, an' I don't know why (why? why?)
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I was gonna send the consulate help, but then I got high
But I was thinking of myself, I was just getting high
Now they say I committed treason, an' I don't know why (why? why?)
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I wasn't gonna sic The IRS after you, but then I got high
Wasn't gonna sic the NSA after you, but then I got high
We are spying on you, an' you don't need to know why
Because we are all high, because we are all high, because we are all high

Obama: I Accept The Zimmerman Verdict, As Terrible As It Is

Three weeks ago, George Zimmerman was acquitted of murder charges in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. We here at The RedSquirrel Report have seen the subsequent protests that followed. While many of these protests have been peaceful, we also sense the need for Americans to experience some much-needed racial healing. So, we have asked The President of the United States to say a few words.

Take it away, Mr. President. The floor is yours:

Thank you. Three weeks ago, Hispanic white man George Zimmerman was acquitted of murder charges in the death of unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin.

This was not supposed to happen. Non-black victims are not supposed to fight back against their black assailant(s). After Zimmerman used his face to pummel Trayvon's poor fists bloody, he shot him in cold blood.

The jury of 5 white women and 1 Hispanic female has spoken, and I accept their terrible decision. So, let's move on.

I have told Attorney General Eric Holder to open a George Zimmerman tip line. If anyone has ever seen George Zimmerman violate any one's civil rights, please contact The Attorney General. There might be a nice cash reward in it for ya.

I am happy to announce that racial-healer Al Sharpton has organized 100 Marches For Trayvon. 

Still, there are some hard feelings following this trial. The New Black Panther Party has vowed to lynch Zimmerman, and there have been several news accounts of black mobs beating white victims for Trayvon. The Obama White House will not stand for racial strife.

If white-Americans are feeling unsafe, they are encouraged to leave the country.

Finally, I have said that Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago. I can also see myself beating the hell out of that fat Hispanic honky, slamming my fists into his face, banging his head into the hard sidewalk.

Thank you.

Monday, July 29, 2013

This Just In: MSNBC Damages Your Brain

Your bushy-tailed correspondent is always looking out for you. When there is a potential danger effecting millions of Americans, we are always there to bring this information to light.

While studying the effects of television viewing on the human brain, our resident scientist discovered something quite alarming.

Watching MSNBC for 1 minute kills 1,978,541 brain cells.

3,576,993 if you're watching that host with the tampons hanging from her ears.

Prolonged exposure to this cable channel may cause severe brain damage, and in many cases, madness. Second-hand viewing is also quite harmful.

If you watch MSNBC, please get your head checked.

The RedSquirrel cares.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

This Fall On Univision,,,,The Adventures Of Carlos Danger

COMING this Fall on Univision

He seeks eleccion as he texts ereccion....Carlos Danger!

His wife stands by him while he gives the taxpayer THE SHAFT....Carlos Danger!

He lives a double life. On the Internet he is Carlos Danger,

but he is also Antonio Weiner....

Will his terrible secret force Weiner to pull out of the eleccion?

Stay tuned....


Obama Congratulates The Royal Family

Dear Kate Middleton,

I am so sorry to hear that you have been punished with a baby, You have my deepest sympathy.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Dzhokhar On The Cover Of The Rolling Stone

I'm not a rock singer, I got blood on my fingers
I wage jihad everywhere I go
We like to create terror and make blood rain down
Until the twelfth Imam decides he'll show

I say to Hell with you infidels
How I love to hear your cries and moans
In that boat I was caught and then I got shot
Now I'm on the cover of The Rolling Stone

Rolling Stone-I look so good on the cover
Stone-It's too bad I ran over my brother
Stone-The girls like to see my face
On the cover of The Rolling Stone

My brother Tamerlan & I would do anything
that our Quran says
We got a Middle-Eastern Imam
showing us a better way
The thing in this bag will blow off your legs
and shatter all your bones
Some people think it's sick, Now I got my picture
On the cover of The Rolling Stone

Rest In Peace, Helen Thomas

Rest In Peace Pioneer Journalist Helen Thomas. We respect you for taking a stand.

Your friends at The Ezzedine Al-Qassam Brigades (Hamas)

Monday, July 15, 2013

The Celebrity Idiot Of The Week

Recently, unhinged former Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that Americans should celebrate Obamacare on July 4.

Bette Midler (pictured) fantasized about The British winning The Revolutionary War so that The American People could have THEIR health care system.

For normal Americans with their heads screwed on straight, it appears as if liberal celebrities are purposely trying to out-stupid each other. It's like a contest.

This gives me an idea. Someone should create a television program, where we can vote for the biggest idiot in America.

We open several 1.800 telephone lines, and the American people can vote for their favorite doofus. It's a little like American Idol. For example:

Who is The Idiot of the Week?

1.800.111.1111 Nancy Pelosi

1.800.222.2222 Bette Midler

1.800.333.3333 Toure' Niblett

1.800.444.4444 Chris Rock

1.800.555.5555 Miley Cyrus

1.800.666.6666 Toni Braxton

1.800.777.7777 Matthew Modine

Dear TV producers Simon Fuller and Mark Burnett:

If either one of you guys want to get the ball rolling, have your people call me. We'll do lunch.

Moochelle: The White House Is Like A Prison

Recently, First Lady Michelle Obama said that living in The White House is like living in a really nice prison. Scores of angry commoners on Twitter wished that she would be released from her incarceration.

She has my sympathy. They only let her out every three weeks or so, as she jets off on another one of her $100,000,000 vacays with her family. She must be so envious of all the little people barely making it paycheck-to-paycheck. I wonder if she refers to her Secret Service detail as prison guards.

Perhaps Moochelle compares The Main Ballroom to a prison mess hall. State dinners must be a nightmare. Inviting the likes of Jay-Z, his glamorous wife Beyonce and the glitterati from Hollywood, you can never tell who might suddenly jump out of their chair, and "cut you up." 

I'll bet that some of her friends know to turn a spoon into a knife.

It's a good thing that she has her victory garden to keep her busy. In 1978, I remember seeing Midnight Express. Those TURKISH prisons will drive you out of your mind if you don't have any activities to keep your mind occupied.

I'll bet her Let's Move campaign is popular in the yard.

Does Barack know that his wife feels like a prisoner trapped in The White House? I don't remember hearing her complain as he was busy stealing the 2012 Election. He and his team of smear artists and election fraudsters wound up adding 4 MORE YEARS to Michelle Obama's sentence.

There is no justice.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

John Kerry, Where Are You?

This week, scores of people in Egypt showed their displeasure with dictator Mohammad Morsi and The Muslim Brotherhood, and so they protested. The military threw their support behind the people, and ousted Morsi.

Meanwhile, our very own dictator Barack Obama was caught flat-footed, while his Secretary of State John Kerry was off enjoying a day on his yacht. Well, it's actually his wife's yacht.

Our very own cartoonist created a hashtag on Twitter, #JohnKerryYachtNames, which trended.

All of this reminds me of that TV theme song from the 1950's, Car 54, Where Are You?:

The Middle East is exploding, Egypt is going up in flames
Morsi's losing power and Obama doesn't know who to blame
The situation's hot and Lurch is on his yacht

John Kerry, Where Are You?

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Paula Deen....Public Enemy Number 1

Have you seen this woman? If you have, please contact The PC Police. A long time ago, she said "the n-word."

Repeat: This woman, Paula Deen, has admitted to saying  "the n-word".

Meanwhile, our very own IRS agent Lois Lerner lied before Congress. She gets a paid vacation for lying, while Ms. Deen is having everything taken away after admitting the truth.

Let that be a lesson to you. In Obamanation, It pays to lie.

MSNBC hosts and their guests regularly race-bait, but that is fine because the vitriol is targeted against people with pale skin. So there.

Paula Deen is roughly 5' 7''. She has blue eyes, and silvery-white hair. She has a Southern accent, typical of most racists, and she may be carrying a purse full of butter-sticks.

If you see this racist, contact The PC Police.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

We're Not In America Anymore, Toto

This week, President Creepy is taking his family on a $100,000,000 African vacay. I guess implementing his anti-freedom agenda must be exhausting.

I wonder if he will be attending a family reunion while he's there.

Here to tell us about it is 80's supergroup Toto. Hit it, boys:

The Obamas will be taking flight,
while The American people suffer under a bad economy
Those tea-baggers on The Right,
keep on bringing up those unfortunate deaths in Benghazi
All those little Cheering kids on the runway
Little Birthers welcome Barack Hussein back home
I wonder what do they know that CBS and ABC doesn't know?

We're gonna take a hundred million dollar vacay
America hates us and we gotta get away
We're on vacation down in Africa
If these people get air conditioning the world will boil

The blue dogs cry out in the night,
and ask themselves, 'Oh, why did we ever vote for Obamacare?'
Those racist meanies on The Right,
keep on pointing out that The IRS and The NSA have been unfair
The low-information schlubs who voted for him are starting----to figure Obama out