Monday, October 28, 2013

The First Lady Vows To Replant Her Victory Garden

Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we endeavor to bring you all the hard-hitting news.

As you know, the nightmarish partial government shut-down had paralyzed the country, and nowhere was this more true than THE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN. As 800,000 non-essential employees helplessly sat by their phone, waiting for that call that would bring them back to their cushy government jobs, The First Family was also hurt.

The shut-down forced First Lady Michelle Obama to neglect the victory garden.

Where there was once bountiful, ripening tomatoes, green peppers, carrots, and rutabagas, the soil became overgrown with ugly weeds, dust, and small tumbleweeds. Rabbit and squirrel prints are still visible in the wounded dirt.

The scene is straight out of The Grapes of Wrath.

It's a heart-breaking sight that sears into the memory, so we invited First Lady Michelle Obama to speak to us, her subjects:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

Once again, the right-wingers have brought incredible hurt to something I care deeply about.

A garden needs someone to water it, nurture it, and sometimes a garden needs someone to pulls the weeds. My full-time staff of 50 could not be here to work in the garden, because The Republican anarchists had to shut-down the government. When there is a shut-down of the government, it's the garden that suffers.

I haven't been back to the garden. Instead, I am working HARD at arranging my family's next jet-setting family vacay. I think we may bring 10,000 of our friends. I am trying to narrow it down between a $150,000,000 African safari or maybe a $170,000,000 trip to Hawaii.

Of course, I also have The White House Halloween Party to organize.

I do have good news concerning my victory garden. Senator Al Franken is hard at work, securing $5,000,000 to be invested in my garden as part of the upcoming farm bill. It will be money well-spent.

I know how important my victory garden is to The American People. I vow to replant the tomatoes, rutabagas, and carrots someday. Thank you, my subjects.

Your Queen, Michelle Obama.

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