Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Santa Claus: That Obama Is An A$$Hole!

The RedSquirrel Report sent a correspondent to The North Pole to file a report. We thought that with all the trouble in the world, and with all the terrible news in America, we would do a fun report from Santa's Toy Shop. However, what we found was a very angry Santa Claus.

Mr. Kringle showed our correspondent around the massive toy shop, as the elves were enjoying their 20-minute 'smoke break'. We sat down with the big guy himself, although when we mentioned America, his jolly demeanor changed. He explained:

"Your President has been sending his NLRB thugs to strong arm me into unionizing. We have NEVER unionized, and never will. We could go belly-up if we are forced to offer pensions. My elves already have a great deal. If that jack a$$ Obama keeps this up, I'm gonna put a steaming reindeer turd in his stocking!"

Mr. Claus also referred to an incident in October, when Obama ordered armed federal agents to storm his toy guitar plant. We asked Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder about this incident, and he explained to us that Santa's Toyshop has been making toy guitars with an illegally imported wood from Sri Lanka. Santa dismisses the Attorney General's charge:

"What really pisses me off is that we are not under the jurisdiction of The United States of America. When Obama had the Gibson Guitar plant in Memphis stormed, that really torqued me off. But now, those pricks are coming after us. I don't want to sound too conspiratorial, but I think that they are coming after us to pressure us into unionizing".

We also met with the lovable elves. Once again, the cheerful elves had some strong words for President Obama. We spoke to the North Pole's official dentist, Dr. Hermie DDS. He had just finished putting some dental implants in for a patient. The huge, hairy, 20-foot patient previously had all his large teeth taken out by Dr. Hermie.

"If any of those unionista douchebags try coming back, I hope that my buddy (The Abominable Snow Bumble) bites them!"

Also, the Obama Administration has contacted Santa's Toy Shop with concerns that the operation has contributed to global warming. We asked Doctor Hermie's former boss about this.

"Global warming, my A$$", he laughed derisively. "I haven't heard anything this ridiculous since Hermie said that he wanted to be a dentist. We've got lots of snow, and it has actually gotten a little cooler in the last 20 years. Damned Marxist jerks!"

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Hear That Penn State Needs A Defensive Assistent

Yesterday, Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank announced that he won't be seeking a 17th term in Congress. A RedSquirrel Report microphone was there for the major announcement:

"I have decided to not seek a 17th term in Congress. It would've been a hard, hard campaign. It's best if my seat is an open seat. I have other things that I am thinking of doing next. I hear that Penn State needs a defensive assistant. I was also thinking about re-opening that gay brothel with my fwiend, Steven Goby. I like the idea of naming it 'Fanny Mae'.

As you know, my old seat was gerrymandered. (Wow, that sounded vaguely perverse.) I will miss my colleagues, my constituents, and ESPECIALLY, the under-aged congressional pages. Thank you."

What This World Needs Is A Sequel....

....and that sequel is "Mannequin 2". In the 1987 original, Kim Cattrell was an Egyptian who became a girl trapped inside 'the body' of department store mannequin. Andrew McCarthy was a guy who builds, then falls in love with this mannequin (named Emmy). She would come to life, but only HE could see the real girl.

My idea centers around a 19th Century Mormon (Let's call him 'Mitt'). He is at the threshold of death, when he learns that the angel named Joseph is renovating Mitt's heavenly palace, and that God will let Mitt travel into the long as he finds a body to inhabit.

'Mitt' (I'm thinking that Matt Dillon would be good in this role) travels to New Hampshire, Michigan, Utah,  and Massachusetts, and flip-flops around, before he finds himself inhabiting a department store mannequin.

Meanwhile, it is an election year, and all of the Republican candidates seem to be floundering. A political operative. played by Kim Cattrall (Emmy), sees Mitt, and falls for him. She believes that he looks quite presidential, with his perfect hair and telegenic looks. The only problem is that he appears to be alive only to her.

The angel Joseph appears to her, and grants her wish that the American people sees the living, breathing man she sees. And so, Joseph grants her wish. Emmy and Mitt board their campaign bus, and as they flip pancakes and as he kisses babies, we are treated to the campaign theme song, the 1987 number one smash hit, "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now", by Starship.

Joseph re-appears to Emmy, and tells her that 'Mitt' must go to Mormon Heaven on Election Day. The American people learn of this development, and must make their decision accordingly. Either vote for Mitt's opponent, a leftist busybody, or Mitt the mannequin. As it turns out, the mannequin wins in a landslide. The American people chooses the government 'that governs least governs best'.

Very little is done in four years. We have divided government. The people rejoice. The end.

Move Over, Garrison Keiller.

Move over, Garrison Keiller. Lake Woebegone is like, so yesterday. The books and the NPR radio program really isn't that relevant to anyone in  post-911 America.

Welcome to MinneDushu Days. MinneDushu Days is the brainchild of blogger/pod caster Ted Ebson.

In the mid-1990's, the civil war in Somalia created a refugee crisis. With the wind-down of hostilities in the war-torn nation, many Somalis were looking to emigrate to America. Minnesota Democrats, obsessed with political correctness and looking for more DFL voters, invited about 40,000 Somali emigrants into the Twin Cities area. Ebson states:

"What follows is a real culture clash, complete with zany honor killings, Muslim grocery workers who refuse to handle pig products, cabbies who refuse to allow dogs or alcohol into their cabs, and emigrants who return to their homeland to take up arms in the next wave in the war".

Ebson says that he would have liked to have hired character actor/voice over artist Mason Adams ("With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good") to play the role of narrator, but the actor died in 2005.

"Here you have a melting pot of conflict-averse Minnesota liberals, and the new residents.  The Twin Cities neighborhood was formerly known as the Kenwoody Neighborhood.

The capitol of Somalia is Mogadishu, hence the new name of the neighborhood is MinneDishu. As is the case in real life, a radical Muslim is elected to Congress, with the vast support of the new emigrants from Somalia, as well as the liberal Dhimmicrats."

Ebson took the idea to Minnesota Public Radio, but was shown the door by MPR security. The new podcast is scheduled to start streaming sometime next year.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

GBTL Wants Glen Beck's GBTV Shut Down....Or The Name Changed

Angry sodomites across the fruited plain may be filing a lawsuit against conservative media figure Glenn Beck in the upcoming weeks.

It seems that many in the GBTL community are mistakenly ordering Beck's on-line talk channel, GBTV. As gay lawyer, Gavin Dangle lisped:

"I thought that I was ordering The Gay Bisexual Transgendered Video channel, not Glenn Beck TV. This is a travesty! Why would I want anything that reprehensible reptile is peddling?..."

Meanwhile, Chairman of WWE Entertainment (formerly WWF, World Wrestling Federation) Vince McMahon is advising the conservative broadcaster to change the name.

"I advise Mr. Beck to change the name of his channel. As you know, some liberal crapweasels from The World Wildlife Fund sued me and my company, World Wrestling Federation. The communist jack-asses somehow think they own everything, even initials".

Beck is currently consulting with a lawyer about this matter.

When Black Friday Shoppers Attack

On the Friday after each Thanksgiving, Americans shake off their triyptophan coma, and engage in an all-out, psychotic orgy of avarice and greed, commonly referred to as 'Black Friday'. It's great entertainment for us that take a rain check, and watch the news accounts on TV. People pushing, crushing, and runniing over friend and foe alike, as they struggle to find that television set with that magic '15% off' sticker.

There was that crazy woman in Los Angeles who pepper-sprayed the other shoppers, and there were also American shoppers who were shot on Friday. But nobody could hold a candle to the craziest shoppers of them all.

On Thursday morning, Norma Ridgeway and Joy Rikkets, just a couple a fun-loving ladies from Alburquerque, New Mexico, had a plan.

The plan was to steal a tank from the local Army base, and clean out the local WalMart. Then, at 2400  hours, just before the midnight madness was to begin, they would break the WalMart doors with their tank, and clean out the retail universe.

Our heroes arrived at the local Army base thirty minutes before midnight, and Norma distracted the lone guard on duty, while Joy revved up the tank. When the guard had his back turned to investigate the noise, Norma pulled a gun on him. With the guard subdued, the gals were on their way to some incredible supersavings.

At 11:53 on Thursday night, the crowd was rabid, and WalMart greeters and employees were getting ready to be trampled by insane shoppers. Just then, the tank arrived, smashing in the front doors.

After their spree of mayhem and some incredible deals, the girls jumped back into their tank, and were last seen heading towards the U.S.-Mexico border.

There seems to be squabbling between Federal law officials, the New Mexico National Guard, and military leaders. Nobody wants to retrieve the tank. As one commander states:

"I've done 3 tours in Iraq.  I've seen friends lose limbs, seen comrades killed, but I don't ever think that it's worth the trouble of messin' with shoppers on Black Friday. Those people are just plain crazy!"

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Am.................Creepy Mask Guy!

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to all points of view. So, in our never-ending quest for journalistic excellence, we have invited Creepy Mask Guy (he's the guy who wears that creepy Guy Fawkes mask at the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations) to share his manifesto with America. Take it away, Creepy Mask Guy:

"Thank you, rodent reporter. I am Creepy Mask Guy. Perhaps you have seen me and my creepy mask at all of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations across the country. You filthy capitalist pigs think that there are thousands of protesters with the creepy mask, but in reality, I am the ONLY ONE! I am a man of mystery and, am able to be everywhere at once!

Now, on to my Creepy Mask Guy Manifesto!

We are the 99%, and will take Wall Street down! These dirty bankers lend us money for college, but they don't guarantee us a six-figure salary. For instance, I have been in college for the last 8 years, and I think that I will have that BA in French Philosophy sometime in 2013. I have to pay back about $160,000. And so, I don this Creepy Mask to wreak havoc on you, Wall Street!

We are the 99%, so that means that there are a whole lot more of us than there are of you! This is a democracy. The mob rules!  So, if we want to crap on cop car, WE WILL! If we decide to disrupt the subway system, making it harder for you janitors, waitresses, and dishwashers to get to your job, JUST LIVE WITH IT! You cannot stop us.

There is a good reason why the poor and down-trodden side with us, and wonderful people like George Soros, President Obama, and Nancy Pelosi sing our praises. It's because, they also hate those evil people who work for a living. You may think that you bastards who get up at 6:00 a.m. to go to your job are safe from us, the 99% YOU ARE WRONG!!!! Eventually, we do get get out of bed, and WE WILL confront you!

You think that we will quit. Au Contraire! (I was thinking about majoring in French)....We will fester like a boil on the neck of this dirty capitalist system until we finally get what we want! After a few more meetings of The Occupy Wall Street Committee, we will get back to you!

I am....Creepy Mask Guy!"

Thursday, November 17, 2011

When Did They Stop Being A Pain In The Ass And Start Becoming A Threat To Our Country?

I'm talking about The Occupy Wall Street demonstrators.

Are You Just A Little Bit Concerned?

In the first few months of The Messiah's first (and hopefully last) term, we discovered that public schools were indoctrinating the little crumb crunchers with songs of worship and praise for the new President.

Barack Hussein Obama, mmmm....mmmmm.....mmmm......

Now, if your head is screwed on straight, and if you're President of the United States of America, and if you find out that they're WORSHIPPING you in the public schools across the fruited plain,what do YOU do?

If you're normal, you contact those schools and tell the teachers to stop it, and go back to teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic, right?

If you're a malignant narcissist, you do what Barack Hussein Obama did. Soak up the glory.

This idiot likes the idolatry. So did Uncle Joe Stalin.

I don't know about you, but I think all this has gotten to his head. Just sayin'.

Memories Of Bill Clinton's Second Inauguration Parade

Yesterday's post reminded me of all the majesty of President Clinton's second inauguration parade in 1997. As I remember, it was a terrific spectacle.

It was a crisp, clean January day, when President Bill Clinton stepped into his limousine with the first lady and their daughter, Chelsea. The excited crowds struggled to get an unobstructed view of the President.

The parade has floats and marching bands, as well as the first family. Halfway through the parade, they got out, and walked, waving at the happy crowd. There was one happy, young brunette with a blue dress and a beret, that the President greeted verrry warmly.

Most parades feature a princess on a float. For Bubba's second inauguration, Princess Bimbo Eruption, Joy Reardon, was crowned with a recycled Coors beer can. Classy!

Next, the parade watchers got to glimpse of a float carrying Disgraced Clinton Officials From The First Term. I never saw so many people on a float before. I was surprised that all that weight didn't cause a flat tire.

There was that Whitewater Savings And Loan float, or something. It's hard to separate all of those Clinton-era scandals.

As I recall,  former Governor Jim Guy-Tucker was in a police car. The police took the handcuffs off so the former Governor could also wave to the parade watchers.

The Tyson Farms float featured a twenty-foot, paper mache' chicken. It made quite a mess for the D.C. city workers to clean up.

It was nice of the F.B.I. to let many of the indicted and convicted members of his first term take part in the parade. I think there were 10 or 11 of them connected together by a large ball and chain.

As I recall, it was a fantastic parade.

Adjusting Our WHAT?

Recently, America's school lunch lady Moochelle told America that we need to (Are you ready? Wait for it....)....ADJUST our children's palette.

Wow....just wow. These busybodies aren't satisfied with over-regulating the workplace, our light bulbs, our toilets, what we do, what we say....

Now these arrogant ASSES want control of our TASTE BUDS. Our taste buds are in OUR HEADS, FOR GOD'S SAKE.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Has Been Cancelled

Due to the fire-bombing of Macy's Department store in New York, The 87th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has been cancelled. The 'Occupy Wall Street' protests spilled out into an uncontrollable inferno of chaos, and vandalism before the enraged, clueless bolcheviks decided to burn the store down to the ground.

All of your favorite balloons have been destroyed. There will be no Garfield The Cat, no Snoopy and Charlie Brown, no Gumby. They're all gone. Melted.

All of the marching bands have cancelled their appearances.

Replacing the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is the first annual Occupy Wall Street Parade. Oh lookie, they're starting the parade....

Grand Marshall George Soros blows a whistle. The drum circle is now in the shape of a hammer and sickle. Impressive....

Here comes the S.E.I.U. Marching Band, resplendent in their purple t-shirts. They all have kazoos. Oh no, now they're beating the parade watchers....

Hey everybody. look who's coming now. Sexual predators from 'Occupy Wall Street'. Get the women in a tent. please....

Next, we have some anti-Semites with placards. We've blurred  their posters for the t.v. audience....

Here comes the ACORN float. Is that President Obama? I think it is! I didn't know that he was back from his vacation....

Here come first lady Michelle. She greets the parade watchers before sticking a carrot in every body's mouth. That Michelle is all about healthy eating!

Here comes The AFL-CIO float. There's union boss James Hoffa, yelling into a bullhorn. Let's listen:

"We are your army, Mr. President! Let's crack these teabagger's skulls!!!!"

Oooh! That's one tough-looking float!

 Here comes some 'human animals' from Occupy Wall Street. Hey look, a couple of them just crapped on the street. Watch your feet, everybody.

Here comes some very old hippies. They look like they don't even know where they are. And bringing up the rear, are some psychology majors-turned professional protesters. The 99%....

We all believe that these losers will forever be 'bringing up the rear'. Goodbye from Wall Street. If America still exists a year from now, we'll do this again next year. So long!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

America Has Gotten Lazy

A reporter followed the constantly vacationing ME-ssiah to Bali, and interviewed The President.

"America has gotten lazy', the President said,  as he sat in a jacuzzi, with a drink in his hand. "Hey you, top this off", he ordered a Balinese pool boy, almost spilling his drink.

"America has also gotten fat and soft," he continued. "Corporate fatcats live the high life, while the unions struggle to just keep their meager benefits."

His cellphone rings.

"Van Jones and Axelod are also coming to Hawaii? Good. The golf is great.....Sounds like fun. 'Later".

He turns to the reporter.

"As I was saying........"

This Is Obama Country

Hatred, envy, jealousy as far as the eye can see. Violence and extremism. Wacky cluelessness. This is the 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrations. I watch these morons and see the Obama voter base.

Rioting in Oakland, widespread sexual assaults in NYC, civil unrest in many of these cities. Losers, anti-Semites, lawlessness. It sounds like I'm describing the Obama Administration itself.

Squalor, disease, death. The Thing That Wouldn't Leave (SNL skit). Defecating on  police officers. The arrogance. Idiots behaving as if the world somehow owes you. Sounds like Obama policy.

Hatred of America. Fundamentally transforming it. Turning The United States of America into a turd-world nation of dependent low-lives. The only thing missing is a teleprompter.

This Is Obama Country.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Whatever Became Of Jenny/867-5309?

We at The RedSquirrel Report has seen enough hellish accounts from the 'occupy Wall Street' protests taking place across the country. The reports of these leftist animals crapping on cop cars, the rapes, riots, disease, and death taking place at these microcosms of unchecked liberalism has your bushy-tailed correspondent looking for a fun, light news story to take our minds off of our society's demise.

We thought that we would do a 'Whatever became of?' post about one of the most popular, enduring pop hits from the 1980's, Jenny/867-5309.

Jenny/867-5309 was a top 10 pop hit from 1982 for Tommy Tutone. I thought that I would begin the story by dialing the number.

A man answered the phone. Incredibly, it was Jenny's angry dad. At first, he wanted to just yell at me and hang up, but I told him that I am with The RedSquirrel Report, and that I would be willing to tell the world his story. So, he relented.

Astonishingly, It appears that Jenny's parents never moved, or have ever changed the most popular phone number in history. Jenny's dad told me:

'Yeah, that punk Tommy got her name and number off the wall. Soon, the number was on lots of walls. All over the country. Then it seemed every horndog in the world would be trying to call her. The assholes sometimes would call at 2:00 in the morning, waking me and the wife up. It was hell.'

In 1990, sick of curious callers, Jenny's parents changed 867-5309 slightly, to a 1-900 number.  From 1990 until 1995, it was a  'Dial-An-Insult' phone line. For $1.99, Jenny's dad would insult you for calling.

Needless to say, it was a howling success.

But back to Jenny. What ever became of her? All Jenny's dad would tell The RedSquirrel Report, is that she is 51 years old, and would like to remain anonymous.

A RedSquirrel Report Reader Weighs In

On Friday, The RedSquirrel Report received an interesting reader comment in reaction to our exclusive expose 'Is Joe Scarborough Really A Pod Person?'.

Fellow blogger Almond Paarman (Live Long Life Protect Environment blog) left a rather cryptic comment. It reads:

We must ask, what happened at Fort Qiaoshi Jia? We report on the true story Red Squirrel what happened, the former conservative from Florida traces of heat.

A hearty thank-you to Almond Paarman for the heads-up. Our I-Team investigators will be following up on this important story.

Just yesterday, your bushy-tailed reporter has also found out that the former representative from Florida had a pop hit in 1981. At the time, Joe Scarborough went by the name Joe Scarbury. His big hit , The Greatest American Hero (Believe It Or Not) reached number 3 on Billboards Hot 100.

Once again, Thanks to Almond. We at The RedSquirrel Report will stay atop this story.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Letter From Happy Valley

This week, we are learning of the sexual assaults of under-aged boys, involving Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky, and it has shocked America's conscience. Head Coach Joe Paterno doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of this, appearing to care more about the college's image than the kids who were victimized.

After the firing of Penn State head coach Joe Paterno was splashed all over the news,  Penn State students rioted. Not in anger for the victims. They were angry that the head coach was fired. One of the clueless rioters sent this letter to us:

My name is Trent. I am a Junior at Penn State. Last night, the Board Of Trustees fired our head coach, the legendary Joe Paterno. I am still in shock. It feels like they just fired God.

Me and my friends turned over a news van last night. We did it because JoPa will never reach 500 career wins. Still, I am at least glad that they let Coach Paterno break that important record of all-time winningest coach. As for the scandal involving Coach Jerry Sandusky, I feel pretty bad for those kids, but the Penn State football program may lose millions of dollars because of this scandal. 

Also, our assistants may be in trouble. What are they trying to do to us? If this keeps up, Penn State football probably won't be in the AP Top 25 next year.

All I can say is "Fight! Fight! Penn State, Fight!"

Trent (last name withheld), Penn State Junior.

It's About Time

On October 6, your bushy-tailed correspondent published a post ("What Do You Get When You Cross The Star Wars Catina Bar Scene With The Island Of Misfit Communists?").

In said post, I imagined a 'man on the street' report from the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests, featuring Conan O'Brien's roving correspondent, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog

Last week, it happened.

In my opinion, Triumph should be a professor of journalism somewhere.

Go to YouTube, watch, and learn how it's done.

53 Seconds

During last night's GOP Presidential Debate, Texas Governor Rick Perry was asked to name three governmental agencies he would shut down if he were president. For 53 cringe worthy seconds, he struggled with that question.

How dumb did Texas Governor Rick Perry look?  He looked almost as dumb as Vice President Joe Biden does every second of every day.

No wonder all the smart people want him out of the race.

CMA's Not Quite As Bad As Mitch Berg And Ed Morrisey's Singing

by Gerald Snotley, music critic.
The Country Music Awards wasn't as bad as listening to Mitch Berg and Ed Morrisey's singing on The NARN (Northern Alliance Radio Network, 1280 am The Patriot), but the intellectual weightlessness was on display for all to see from the outset.

Co-hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood summoned the ghastly Hank Williams Jr., making light of his recent outburst on Fox And Friends, where he compared President Obama with Adolf Hitler.

Hunky newcomer Luke Bryan performed the downright sexist "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)". I can see everyone down at the 'I Love This Bar And Grill' having fun with this, but for leftist arthouse snobs like myself, who hasn't written a positive review since the wonderful  'My Aim Is True' by Elvis Costello, this was simply offensive. 

As for the winners, it ranged from the tarty redneck Miranda Lambert, who won the award for 'Best Female Vocalist', to the over-hyped, singing fetus, Taylor Swift, who snatched the 'Entertainer Of The Year Award'.

The Band Perry, a trio who resemble inbred bitter clingers from the backwoods, snagged several awards, including  'Song Of The Year' for 'If I Die Young'.

The CMA's weren't as horrific as that godawful duo of Berg and Morrissey, who traumatized us all with their remake of Warren Zevon's, 'Lawyers, Guns and Money'. It took four months for my eyebrows to grow back after that music fiasco.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Is MSNBC Host Joe Scarborough Really A Pod Person?

Your bushy-tailed reporter remembered election night 1994, when Newt and the gang stormed the congressional elections, sweeping both houses for the GOP. One of the fresh faces was a newcomer from Florida, named Joe Scarborough.

Fast forward to 2011. On the Leftist Hatefest that is MSDNC....Whoops....MSNBC, where hosts and guests alike fling the crap like poo-flinging monkeys, we have the same Joe Scarborough hosting the morning show, Morning Joe, with Zebignew Brzezinsky's little girl, Mika.

Or is he the same Joe Scarborough? One must wonder, 'What happened to Joe Scarborough?'

We at The RedSquirrel Report are hot on the trail of the real story of what happened to the former conservative from Florida.

We go back to 2001.  Florida Representative Joe Scarborough suddenly decides to retire from Congress after only 3 full terms. Meanwhile, D.C. police call a local botanist. They are investigating an unusual pod-shaped object located in a large bush just outside the Florida Republican's office window.

The night before, several D.C.residents call the local police. Each of the callers reported seeing a naked man walking into one of the congressional buildings, describing the man having 'a very square head'.

In 2003, 'Scarborough Country' debuts. In 2007, 'Morning Joe' debuts on MSNBC.

Is Joe Scarborough a pod person? This phenomenon could also explain former conservative Ariana Huffington.

They're here. You're next.

A Statement From Gloria Allred

We also fed some of Gloria Allred's statement through the Truthteller 3000.

 Recently, I was out on my daily rounds (blowing my gym whistle loudly at male chauvanist pigs), when my new client, Sharon Bialek, contacted me at my office. I was glad that it wasn't Meg Whitman's housekeeper, who I used to derail Whitmen's Gubernatorial candidacy, I don't remember the housekeeper's name or where she was from. Somewhere south of the border, I believe.  I had her sent back to her homeland.

Ms. Bialek came to me with a tale of shocking, boorish, downright MANLY behavior, and after my heart stopped palpatating, decided on the most headline-grabbing, self promoting way to get her story out.

I believe that Ms. Bialek is telling the truth, but that's not why we are here today. I want to embarrass the hell out of that dirty, uppity black Republican. Justice cries out for this woman. (ring) Excuse me, It's my cell phone.

(whispering) No, Juanita, I won't take your case. Stop calling me!

End transcript.

The REAL Statement From Gloria Allred's New Client

We here at The RedSquirrel Report have fired up our Truthteller 3000, and have translated some of the newest Herman Cain accuser's statement. In part it reads:

My name is Sharon Bialek. Recently, I was watching the news, and discovered that Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain lead the field. These poll numbers suddenly triggered a disturbing memory of an encounter I had in 1997 with Mr. Cain.

Strangely, I never thought about coming  forward when Mr. Cain was in LAST place in the polls.

In July 1997, I  travelled to Washington D.C., seeking Mr. Cain's assistance in gaining employment. I had reserved a hotel room at the Capital Hilton, and was surprised to see that he had upgraded my hotel reservation, to a palatial suite. He were at The Capital Hilton offices, when suddenly, he reached his hand on my........

When I pulled away,  asked me, "You want a job, right?"

Now, all I ask is that he admit to what he did, and do the right thing. Just like Illinois Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan did in 2004. Withdraw now from this race. As a proud, registered Republican, and tea party activist, I ask Mr. Cain to stop this candidacy, or risk denying our Messiah a second term that is needed to undo the mess that the previous administration created.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

This Is Brian Ross, ABC News....

I've uncovered some shocking new allegations relating to Presidential Herman Cain's past dealings with women colleagues at the National Restaurant Association. In 1998, after looking directly at one female associate, the Republican Presidential candidate also smiled at the victim. When I asked the perp about this, Mr. Cain appeared to give a vague, noncommittal denial. We pointed out this lie, to which he was forced to admit that he probable did indeed look directly, AND SMILED, at the victim.

Next, we asked him about the 'five-figure' severance package awarded to another victim, the Republican Presidential candidate appeared to dodge the question. He appeared testy when I waved a piece of paper in his face. Amazingly, he didn't know the exact details of the severance package. After badgering him for several minutes, I got Mr. Cain to break the conditions of the confidentiality agreement.

I asked him if there were other details concerning this blatant pattern of harassment that he was hiding from the public. By now, the Republican candidate appeared beleaguered

Next, I asked the Republican hopeful if America is ready to elect a serial harasser for President. It was then, I could see steam come of his ears.

This is Brian Ross, ABC News. Diane, Back to you....

A Shocking Redsquirrel Report Expose'

We have learned not only that Presidential Candidate Herman Cain created a hostile work environment while he was President of The National Restaurant Association, He actually wrote a song about his exploits with female colleagues This song appears on a CD single, which is available on

The song is eerily similar to Van Halen's "Ice Cream Man". The lyrics are as follows:

I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep dish godfather of love
Yeah I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep thick dish godfather of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove

I am so saucy, tangy and hot 
You'll love what this Godfather gots
I'm the pizza man, I'm your deep dish of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove

Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Come on, baby,
Don't break our confidentiality agreement

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Statement From Kim Kardashian

Dear fans:

As you all probably know by now, I have decided to end my 72-day marriage to NBA superstar Chris Humphries. While divorces are often messy, I've decided that writing Chris off of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was the best thing to do.

Yesterday, sister Chloe and I had an interesting discussion that involved the possibility of keeping the marriage together. We thought of opening up two phone lines:

1.800.111.1111 Don't divorce Chris Humphries
1.800.222.2222 Divorce Chris Humphries

I am already thinking about the future. The season finale of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, will feature our lawyers as they haggle over all the messy divorce stuff. Talk about must see t.v.!

I am also working on next season. Me and the family are narrowing down the field of potential new husbands. As usual, we will pick someone from the NBA or the NFL. We think that wide receiver Chad Ochocinco could bring some comedic relief to my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

There is a rumour floating around that I was thinking of picking O.J. Simpson. As you know, he was my superstar lawyerdad's client. We decided to pass on him, because he's a little too old. And he decapitated his wife a few years back. Still, marrying O.J. would've been ratings gold.

I thank all my fans for watching my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and for buying my Kim Kardashian merchandise. Keep watching.

Kim :  )

It's Feeding Time

About three weeks ago, dozens of wild, exotic animals were let loose from a wild animal preserve in Ohio. The owner set the animals loose, then killed himself.

I was watching the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests, and upon seeing the hateful, obnoxious signs that many of the professional demonstrators were carrying, a curious thought entered my mind:

What would've happened had the location of the wild animal preserve been, say in upstate New York? Perhaps we would be reading this:

Attracted by the powerful smell of urine, dozens of wild animals rampaged through New York City's Zuccotti Park, and devoured hundreds of sign-carrying demonstrators. The animals had escaped from a wild game refuge in rural, upstate New York.

"Yeah, me an' some of my officers had to kill several Bengal tigers. They were all over some college students over there", Officer Tony Andriotti said, looking at a torn sign which read, 'I Can't Pay Off My College Loans'.
"Looks like they don't have to worry about those loans anymore", the New York cop said, staring at the sign.

Officer Bobby Piccolo looked at another battered, bloody sign, which read 'Eat The Rich'.

"Wow, now THAT'S ironic", he muttered, picking up the sign with two fingers.