Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Aaron Walker And Sniper Cat Taken Into Custody

The Brett Kimberlin saga got even stranger on Tuesday, as the convicted domestic terrorist/killer/bomber/drug dealer faced one of his strongest critics, blogger Aaron Walker (also known as Aaron Worthing) in a Rockville, Maryland courtroom.

Retired judge C.J. Vaughey heard Kimberlin's protective order complaint against Walker. Apparently, the 74-year-old judge was led to believe that the blogger's work could incite violence against Kimberlin.

Throughout the morning's proceedings, the judge appeared confused, revealing his limited knowledge of this case, as well as the electronic media. Kimberlin showed the judge some screen shots of Walker's work.

But it was Walker's photoshopped Twitter avatar of a cat sniper that horrified Judge Vaughey. The clueless judge immediately told the bailiff to take Walker into custody, then asked the blogger if the cat in question was somewhere in the courtroom.

A barely audible 'meow' was heard, and everybody in the courtroom turned around. The judge ordered the cat also be taken into custody. The silver tabby hissed as the bailiff slapped the cat cuffs on it's fluffy wrists, while Vaughey loudly pounded his gavel.

The cat gave Kimberlin the evil eye as the bailiff took him out of the courtroom.

Inhale To The Chief

Does America want a President who always brags about his drug usage?

In his 1995 memoir "Dreams From My Father", Our Glorious Leader reminisces about his 'choom gang' smoking copious amount of the devil weed. Maybe the reason why he wants Americans to snitch on their neighbors is because he is STILL a paranoid dope head.

Cheech and Chong are funny. A druggie Commander-In-Chief? Not so much.

He gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bob Dylan the other day. Methinks that The Messiah bestowed the honor to the singer/songwriter solely for the lyric:

Everybody must get stoned.

Alright, I got that last line from Limbaugh today. I thought it was good.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Reincarnation Of Attack Watch

In the last few days, the Obama Campaign has resurrected an old, familiar feature to their 'Truth Team' website, bringing back the online form where you can snitch on your fellow American(s) if he/she/they dare speak against of Our Glorious Leader's Administration.

This all reminds me of the big debut of Attack Watch last September. Like many other conservative bloggers, I took part in the feast of mockery, and added myself to the roll call of amateur and professional writers who 'turned themselves in'.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was looking at an old post from that week, entitled "Snitching On The MOB". My intent in writing the piece was to illustrate the absurdity of  'ratting out my fellow conservative members of The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers'. In America, we don't turn our neighbors in for disagreeing with our government. That's something they did in totalitarian dictatorships.

On the Sunday following the publishing of said post, I discovered that Mitch Berg had written about my post in Shot In The My initial reaction was, 'WOW! I HAVE ARRIVED!'

Monday, May 28, 2012

A Message From Brett Kimberlin

He was convicted in the 1978 'Speedway Bombings' in Indiana. He also shot and killed a woman on her doorstep.

Last week, the activities of criminal derp (yes, I said derp. That's not a typo.) Brett Kimberlin were splashed all over the alternative news media. His history of domestic terrorism, drug-dealing, bombings, perjury, and assorted other crimes have been documented by Glenn Beck's The Blaze, as well as dozens of conservative blogs.

He was given a 50-year sentence in 1981, but got out in 1994. Recently, he's been creating plenty of mischief,  targeting mostly conservative bloggers and reporters and making threats against those who dare investigate him. In other words, he is turning into Barack Obama.

Thru his dubious foundations, Justice Through Music and Velvet Revolution, he receives millions from wealthy leftists such as The Antichrist George Soros, Barbara Streisand, and Theresa Heinz-Kerry, the wacky wife of Massachusetts Senator John Kerry

So, we at The RedSquirrel Report were surprised to learn that Mr. Kimberlin wanted us to pass a message along to his critics. Here it is:


D'oh!......This is Speedway Bomber, Brett Kimberlin. I am in a top-secret location, with a message to all you bloggers who keep spreading lies about me. Leave me alone and nobody will get hurt.

While I was in prison, all of the other prisoners had a nickname for me. 'Brett, The Belle Of The Ball'. I can't even count the times where I was sold for a pack of cigarettes.

I will not go back into the joint. Nowadays, my associates and I have a real good racket goin' with money from Soros, Streisand, and that insane ketchup lady. 'People.....People who bomb people.....'


But don't blame me for being such a jerk. As you all have been reading lately, organic food turns people into jerks, so blame organic foods.

Thanks to The RedSquirrel Report, for passing along this message. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do....

Hello 9-1-1? This is --------------'s neighbor. I just heard gunshots.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Democrat Primaries: Meet The Candidates

Attorney John Wolfe
Something tells me that the Obama state-run propaganda ministry may just be lying to us. I keep hearing that the Obama/Romney match-up is neck and neck, yet Democrat primary voters seem to be waging a mutiny against Our Glorious Leader.

Maybe the numbers ARE lying, but we know 43% of Democrat voters in the Oklahoma primary voted AGAINST Obama, while in West Virginia,  convicted felon Keith Judd got 42% of the vote. This week, attorney John Wolfe collected 42% of the Democrat primary vote in Arkansas. In Kentucky, nobody ran against Obama, and did surprisingly well, receiving 42% of the vote.

Sure, Obama is the incumbent. We are sure he will be his party's nominee, Still, The RedSquirrel Report believes that in order for the voters to make an informed decision, people should get to know all of the candidates.

Waitaminnut, I can't do this with a straight face. I just like seeing the Narcissist-In-Chief continue to be embarrassed by his own voters. Here is a partial slate of Democrat superstars who stand in incumbent Obama's path to his party's nomination.

Keith Judd, Texas prisoner #11593-051. Received 42% of the vote in the West Virginia primary. Unlike the incumbent, he didn't promise to bankrupt the state's crucial coal industry.

John Wolfe, attorney, took 42% in the Democrat primary in Arkansas.

The Texas primary is on May 29. Maybe there's a convict on death row that can make it on the ballet. Since DEMS support the dead voting in general elections, even a recently-executed convict could give Obama a run for his money.

On June 5, we have the California and New Jersey primaries. This avocado could give Obama a run for his money in The Golden State. We believe that this green vegetable has created more jobs than The President has.

In New Jersey, we're putting our money on this wind-up chattering teeth toy. At least this toy won't try to ram an unconstitutional health care law down our throats, so we like his chances.

See ya at the polls!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Democrats:The Party Of Larry Flynt, Pinata Effigies, And Death Threats

Since Our Glorious Leader is going through such insane lengths to distract us from his horrendous economic record (I understand that he's our first gay Amish Cherokee President this week), I thought that I'd take a couple minutes to play along, and tell my readers what our Democrat friends are up to this week.

Yesterday, the President of South Carolina's AFL-CIO was photographed beating the hell out of a pinata effigy of that state's Governor Nikki Haley. Simulated violence against a woman. Those unionistas are a real clear-thinking, classy bunch.

Then we learned wheelchair-bound smut peddler Larry Flynt published a phony, photo shopped pic of conservative pundit S.E. Cupp that made it look like she was engaged in a sexual act. Apparently it's getting harder for this fat, psychotic creep to get his jollies.

Now this crap stain with five chins gets his rocks off by digitally assaulting one of America's favorite political pundits. Of course, the fact that Ms. Cupp is a strong voice for conservatism had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nothing at all.

Then there's the story of North Carolinian teenager Madeleine McAulay, who made a video in favor of traditional marriage.

She's receiving death threats.

I'm so jealous of Miss McAulay. I've been working on this weblog for 15 months now, and I haven't even been named Keith Olbermann's 'Worst Person In The World' yet.

Your bushy-tailed blogger posted a story ripping on queer activist Dan Savage just a couple weeks ago. Where the heck is MY death threat?  I can only hope to piss off the liberals half as much as this 16-year-old superstar of the new media.

So, there you have it. The Democrat Party U.S.A.....The party of Larry Flynt, pinata effigies, and death threats against a kid with an opinion. Wow, you jack-a$$es really impress me with your liberal tolerance. Congratulations.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Obama's Cult Of Personality

Yesterday, Mitch Berg posted in Shot In The Dark ("Submitted With Neither Reason Nor Comment"), the music video for "Cult Of Personality" by Living Colour.

With this self-worshipping media hog we have sullying The White House, the song is just as relevant as when it was released over twenty years ago.

You cannot turn around without seeing of hearing Our Wonderful Leader, blabbing on endlessly, while his sycophants have put his likeness on the flag and on basketballs.

The last three years has been a non-stop blitzkrieg of lies, media hype, and state-run idolatry.

He seems to be on the cover of Newsweek and Time magazines EVERY week, peeing on our foot and calling it rain. He and his leftist czars are busy dismantling our laws and our national identity, and replacing it with something horribly alien to most Americans.

Every day, we are supposed to be enthralled by his gospel of self-congratulation and sickening, insufferable narcissism, or risk being labeled a 'racist'.

Just let me explain it THIS WAY. Boys? Hit it.....

Look at the news, what do you see? His Cult of Personality
He offered hope, and offered change, Now America has been re-arranged
Obama's Cult of Personality

Like Fidel Castro, or Mugabe
He says 1 + 1 makes 3
It's his Cult of Personality, Cult of Personality, Cult of Personality

You voted for him because he's black
Nobody knew he was an inept hack
Three years later, Dubya's to blame
State-run media plays their game

He'll be anything he needs to be
Even a gay Amish Cherokee
It's his Cult of Personality

He exploits you, because you're P.C.
He's that smiling face on your TV
The Cult of Personality, The Cult of Personality, The Cult of Personality

He does the slow jam, Even though it's lame
Then says, "Dubya is still to blame".
I am all that Julia will ever need....

I AM..........

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Statement From That Social Studies Teacher In North Carolina

Last week, a student in North Carolina's North Rowan High School smuggled some startling audio out of the communist gulag that is American public education. The student wanted to document the leftist indoctrination in teacher Tonya Dixon-Neelys classroom.

On the video, the student tried to reason with the educator, while she screeched wildly, suggesting that he may be arrested for disrespecting Barack Obama.

As your bushy-tailed correspondent listened to the audio, I thought that I was listening to former Georgia Representative Cynthia McKinney.

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in airing all points of view, so we thought that we would give that teacher a platform to 'splain herself. Welcome Ms. Dixon-Neely:

Thank choo.

Mah name is Tonya Dixon-Neely, an' ahm a social studies teacher in North Rowan High....

Please, you don't have to scream. You're hurting my ears.

Sorry. On the day in question, I was just giving the students the pawty line in the age of our Dear Leader, President Barack Obama. I believed that disrespecting Obama was a crime. That's what my union boss told me.

The boy axed one of his friends to serepticiously and secretly record our conversation.

The punk tried to tell me that The First Amendment protected his freedom of speech, but I would't have none of dat. I told him that lotsa people went to jail for speaking truth to power when George W. Bush was the President. I mean, has anybody seen The Dixie Chicks lately? I didn't think so.

After this audio went public, I was suspended with pay (cough cough payed vacation. whoo-hoo!) because I was caught on tape threatening an underaged student. That little snitch.

Well, now that I am suspended with pay, I'm thinking about my next move. I might run for Congress. Thank you.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Mitt: Alive

Presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney made an appearance in Detroit's Cobo Hall today to unveil a new theme.

While Conservatives like Glenn Beck have jumped all over President Obama's slogan 'FORWARD', because of it's long-held ties to Communist regimes through the years, Romney's team has decided to go retro, opting to go 'BACKWARD' to a better time.

Romney's emcee, wife Anne, warmed up the crowd, before introducing the candidate:

"You wanted the best, You got the best. The HOTTEST candidate in the land....MITT!

Something wonderful and strange happened when Romney unveiled his new theme. The assembled members of the press noticed that there were thousands of young people that came to see their candidate, many wearing bell-bottoms. There was a concert atmosphere all around, as the former Massachusetts Governor spoke about family values and simpler times.

Many in the mostly young audience bounced sizable beach balls around. A Frisbee ended up on stage. Romney threw it back into the audience. A good, MANLY toss.

Candidate Romney hit several themes during his speech. He mentioned that wife Anne looked Hotter Than Hell, and also spoke harshly about the Parasite(s) and cronys in the Obama Administration, such as Solyndra and the S.E.I.U.

He also noted that in four years, America has hit Rock Bottom with Obama in the White House. As he finished his remarks, the appreciative audience shouted Romney's name. They Shouted It Out Loud.

MSNBC Should Give Cher Her Own Show

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving you the best in political analysis. Unfortunately, Charles Krauthammer, Michael Barone, and William Krystal were busy today. So, we have asked that OTHER great pundit to share some thoughts on this election year. Cherilyn Sarkisian Lapiere, the floor is yours:

Thank you, RedSquirrel.

If Romney gets elected, I don't know if I can breathe the same air as him and His right-wing racist, homophobic Women tea-bagger masters. I'm just glad that President Obama ISN'T a racist, even though his campaign has disclosed that he won't bother to pursue the white working-class voter.

Those right-wing pigs are trying 2 steal contraceptive rights with their War On Women. I'm just glad that my daughter/son (Chastity/Chaz) doesn't have 2 worry about THAT anymore. If I could turn back time, I would've given Chaz the sex-change operation just after I gave birth 2 her/him.

I just read Paul Ryan's budget. He wants 2 starve children and push Grandma off the cliff. His insane budget passed the House, 228-191, but failed miserably in The Senate.

The Messiah's budget got (Let's see the final vote totals. What? Not a SINGLE VOTE?).......................Nevermind.

Finally, I hope that Elizabeth Warren beats that GOP pig Scott Brown in the Senate race in Massachusetts. I promise that if she wins, I'll sing HALF BREED at her victory party.



Freaky Thursday (The Story Of The Minnesota Vikings Stadium Deal)

I have a movie idea:

From the producers of "Freaky Friday" (the 1976 movie starring Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster, about a Mother and daughter who switch bodies), we bring you "FREAKY THURSDAY". This is the story of the 2012 Minnesota Vikings stadium deal.

Come and behold the wackiness, as the tax-and-spendaholic DEMS act like fiscal conservative Republicans, and squishy Republicans decide they just can't say 'no' to Viking owner Zygi Wilf.


It's strange to see Roseville liberal John Marty sounding like Mr. Right KTLK's Jason Lewis, while Republicans give away the store! What the heck is going on?

Reporter #2:

It appears that the Democrats and the Republicans have switched bodies! This is Freaky!

Shots of Vikings fans in purple jerseys and warpaint parked on the steps of the Capitol, singing "Skol Vikings!"

Republican legislator: We can pay for this billion-dollar football stadium with electronic pull tabs.

Voice #1:.... but Democrat Governor Mark Dayton also wants this deal.

Voice #2: Whether it's welfare or Wilfare, at least he's consistent.

Starring Craig Ferguson's wacky robot skeleton side-kick Geoff Peterson as Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Newsweek's Dumb, Perverse Distraction Of The Week

In the new edition of Newsweek, the cover story "The First Gay President", goes off the leftist cliff into unabashed perversion.

The cover depicts The Messiah with a rainbow-colored halo around his head. The magazine not only suggests that the narcissist-in-chief may be gay, but in their insane, twisted worldview....this makes him downright holy.

The country is being conditioned to accept and welcome perversity. This week in WorldNet Daily's Whistleblower Magazine, "The Alinsky Code", WND describes the American people becoming confused and intimidated into silence by the Alinskyites currently in power. In a way similar to The Matrix movie, most Americans are going along with it in a kind of dream state.

It's getting downright Orwellian. The Obama state-run media depict morality as hate, criminals in this country illegally are referred to as immigrants, charity is replaced with entitlements. and so on.

Meanwhile, it is very easy for the rest of us Americans to be distracted and outraged by shocking magazine covers, but we need to remind ourselves that is why Obama's allies create these daily controversies. This is their slight-of-hand away from Our Little Dictator's disastrous presidency.

As we are being revolted by magazine covers that shock and insult us, Obama and his Czars are busy killing the country, fundamentally transforming America into something horribly unamerican.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Chris Matthews Chokes On Jeopardy

On Monday, MSNBC "Hardball" host Chris Matthews made his appearance on Jeopardy 'power players week', along with Bloomberg's Lizzie O'Leary and former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

After repeatedly suggesting that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was an ignoramus and a know-nothing, we got to see the vast amount of knowledge hidden inside 'Professor Matthews incredible mind'. Several of his incorrect answers actually were met with laughter from the studio audience, and Jeopardy host Alex Trebek had to remind Matthews to 'Pay attention'.

All in all, Matthews performance was nothing short of cringe-worthy. So, what happened?

In the opinion of this bushy-tailed media watcher, Chris Matthews was probably struck with stage fright. After all, the host of 'Hardball" isn't used to appearing on a show that people actually watch.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

NY Senator Kirsten Gillebrand's Mothers Day Message

It was Mother's Day on Sunday, and we at The RedSquirrel Report would like to show America some much-needed bipartisanship by inviting New York Democrat Senator Kirsten Gillebrand over to give our readers a Mother's Day message.

Thank you, RedSquirrel. As you know, Mother's Day was on Sunday. Some Americans celebrated their Moms by serving her breakfast in bed or cleaning the house. Mother's Day is celebrated in all kinds of ways.

Some family's take Mom out to dinner, while other families share a nice celebration in the quiet of the home, with home-made Mother's Day cards and a nice home-made dinner.

These are all well and good, but with this Republican War On Women that is currently being waged, I think there is no better way of celebrating Mother's Day than by giving generously to pro-choice causes, such as Emily's List and Planned Parenthood.

There is no better way to show off your love than with the gift of abortion. When I think of Mother's Day, two words come to mind: Planned Parenthood.

When I think of all those unfortunate children being born alive, I can't help but think about bullies like Mitt Romney picking on them at some point in their miserable lives. Believe me, it's better to never be born.

Thank you.

Time Magazine: Suck On This, America

Your bushy-tailed reporter had almost forgot that Time Magazine still existed, but that all changed last week with their controversial new cover.

The cover photo shows Los Angeles mother Jamie Lynne Grumet striking a pose with her hand on her hip, breastfeeding her 3-year/11-month son. At least, I HOPE that's her son. The kid could pass for a 5-year-old. Both she and the child are looking at the camera.

The cover story, "Are You Mom Enough?", appears to be lost in all the hubbub.

 Once again, it seems that Time Magazine has created yet ANOTHER cover story that just BEGS to be made fun of. Last Friday, the king of talk radio Rush Limbaugh had his people re-imagine this magazine cover. I think that Limbaugh's version really captures the zeitgeist of Barack Obama's America.

Archie From Queens Checks In

Last week, the SNL skit that is the Obama Administration attempted to distract America from the President's disastrous record by pandering to the gay lobby.

After hemming and hawing, The President finally told America that he supported both same-sex marriage AND states rights. Wow, #gutsy call.

Within hours of this ground-breaking statement, the Obama's lapdogs SUDDENLY DISCOVERED a 50-year-old accusation that as a teenager, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and some high-school chums held a school mate down and cut off some hair.

The victim may or may have not been gay.

Meanwhile, The Messiah attended a fundraiser at actor George Clooney's spacial digs, after making up with his angry gay base.

Turn the page. This week, The Messiah appeared on the cover of  Newsweek mag
azine  as "The First Gay President?"

The RedSquirrel Report thought that we would have our regular guy back to explain this, Archie from Queens. Take it away, Arch:

Well, it looks like the jack-a$$ is in favor of queer marriage. Big whup. Now, he's on Newsweek. The first mulatto fag commie president. I'm so proud.

The news media has its undies in a bunch over that Mormon Mitt Romney being a bully over there at Cranbrook Prep School 50 years ago. All this crap in the news almost makes me forget about what a miserable mess Obama has made of this country. For a second there, I forgot how disgusted I am wit' this crappy economy.

Then you got George Clooney and Babs Streisand payin' $40,000 a friggin' plate at their Hollywood shindig. Why don't you sodomite clowns just STIFLE IT? You got NOTHING to complain about.

We have about 27 weeks to Election Day. I'm just wonderin' what the mulatto and his lapdogs will say this week to distract this country from this disaster in The White House. One of these days. I'll bet Time Magazine will have the following cover story:

Groundbreaking Expose: Mitt Romney IS STRAIGHT,

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

In Flatulent Dinosaur News....

Last week, scientists made the claim that global warming during the Mesozoic era was caused by dinosaur flatulence.

However, archaeologists this week have made a startling discovery during a dig in Peru. They believe that they have found the real cause of global warming. Lead Archaeologist Sir Ian Twittinham explains:

Oh Yes, we were digging around over there, when we found this incredible object. It was two tyrannosaurus teeth tied together with a flinty residue on it. It was then we realized that this object was a prehistoric LIGHTER!

Yes, we stumbled on to the REAL reason for global warming thousands of years ago. It wasn't just dinosaur flatulence. The real cause of global warming was that these creatures lit their own farts.

Apparently, these were very smart creatures. I guess we were wrong believing their tiny brains equalled lack of intelligence. Somehow, they knew that they released methane.

The force of a dinosaur's lit fart must have been powerful enough to knock down a tree.

The real mystery was how they were able to do it with their tiny, short arms. Perhaps, particularly brave cavemen would sneak behind the creature and do 'the lightning'.

I believe that we have hot rain forests today because the dinosaurs lit their farts. It also shows conclusively that these creatures also had quite a sense of humor.

Maybe I Should Change My Name To Chief Red Squirrel

C'mon all you right-wing meanies! Will you get off of Elizabeth Warren's case?  So what if the Harvard Law professor claimed to have native American ancestry in the 90's. She's just a gal trying to get ahead in this mean, racist country.

The fork-tongued Senatorial candidate said she did it so she could hob-knob with other native-Americans. She used this phony minority status for advancement as a college professor, saying that she's a native American just by choosing to be one.

You say Ms. Warren stepped in it by saying that she had proof of her Cherokee ancestry because of her "high cheekbones" calling her, "Fauxahontas".

Then, she trots out her great-great Grandmother, but that didn't work either. In fact, the great-great Grandmother's own husband rounded up and imprisoned Cherokees in the infamous "Trail of Tears". Oompy-Doompy!

If Ms. Warren wasn't such a duplicitous, crazy leftist, I'd start to take pity on her. However, I'm hoping this comical story never ends, and her rival Scott Brown rides on to victory in November.

Yet, Ms. Warren cultural self-re-assignment has really opened this bushy-tailed correspondent's eyes. So, today I am very excited to tell my readers that I too am a Native-American. Say 'How' to Chief Red Squirrel.

In fact, I am starting my own tribe called The Omygollys. My special victim status should easily get me a job at any university in the country, but I'm thinking of opening my own casino instead.

I kinda dig Texas Hold'Em.

Oh. this just in. Cher has announced that if Elizabeth Warren defeats the incumbent Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, she will perform "Half Breed" at Warren's victory party.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Nikki Sixx To Obama: Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away

In 2008, Motley Crue's Nikki Sixx enthusiastically supported Barack Obama's Presidential candidacy. However, it appears that he's recently had a change of heart. Here he is to tell us what's on his mind. Take it away, Mr. Sixx:


It's me. Nikki Sixx. World famous 80's Rawk Icon. In 2008, I supported Barack Obama for President. The country was in sick shape, and he was gonna be our Dr. Feelgood. It's three years later, and now I just want to say to Obama-Don't Go Away Mad, Just Go Away.

Sometimes it seems like it just doesn't matter with who's in power. Whether you have those right-wing Republicans or the liberal Democrats, it always seems to be The Same 'Ol Situation. There's so much corruption with this gang from Chicago, along with their broken promises. My heart's been an open book, for the whole world to read, and now it looks like the country's falling apart at the seams.

Down on the Mexican border, there's no escape. I turn on the news, and see murder and rape. A day's pay on the Wildside consists of DRUG DEALERS getting guns from A.G. Eric Holder. 

With all this out-of-control spending, our Girls Girls Girls and Boys Boys Boys will be deep deep deep in Debt Debt Debt....

Will the candidacy of Mitt Romney Kickstart My Heart? We'll see....


Nikki Sixx

Monday, May 7, 2012

Who's The Genius (Behind The Life Of Julia)?

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was there on Thursday morning when The Obama Campaign rolled out "The Life Of Julia" and the torrential mocking that resulted, but only The RedSquirrel Report listened in on the brainstorming session that PRODUCED this grotesque piece of propaganda.

Obama: "Think, people, think! We tried the War On Women crap, but that backfired.  We tried race-bating on Zimmerman, but THAT blew up all over us. And don't even get me started on Romney's dog Seamus!

Jim Messina: We didn't know that Zimmerman was a Peruvian-black man, Mr. President.

Obama: I need something that reminds the American people of MY GOD-LIKE greatness.

Jim Messina: We are working on a slide show we call "The Life Of Julia".  As you can see, it depicts a faceless, incompetent NOBODY named Julia who is dependent on YOU throughout her entire life.  In panel 'A', we see Julia at age 3....

Obama: ....So she wasn't aborted? You DO know that I'm a supporter of infanticide.

Jim Messina: No, Mr. President. Julia isn't aborted. At age 3, she attends Head Start, where she spends important time AWAY from her Republican parent(s). You also see that under President Mitt Romney, Head Start funding will be slashed. Us libs want to institutionalize the crumb-crunchers as soon as they can walk!

....Then in panel "B'', 17-year-old Julia is set to graduate from high school, because of your 'Race To The Top' law. We have successfully dumbed her down, and she has been indoctrinated by the government school. Meanwhile, under that maniac Romney, Julia's parent(s) got a tax cut for home-schooling her. Julia goes on to win The National Spelling Bee. She probably becomes a Mormon.

...On to panel "C'', 18-year-old Julia takes $100,000 in loans, and because of YOU, she gets a Pell Grant. Meanwhile, Richie-Rich Romney destroys her dream of being a professional student.

Let's skip to panel ''F'', After a steady diet of Womyns Studies courses and a worthless Major, Julia is primed to declare her undying allegiance to The Messiah after you make the stupid taxpayer pay for her college education.  Romney on the other hand has condemned Julia to a life where she may have to (egad!) work her way through college! The monster!

In panel "G". Julia has a baby. There's no baby-daddy, no grand parents, no friends, no faith....but again, she has HER MESSIAH Barack Hussein Obama. With that weirdo Mormon as President, Julia becomes a doctor AT A CATHOLIC HOSPITAL!

Obama: Does Julia get married with Romney as President?

Obama Staffer: She marries....a man.

Obama: DAMN HER!

Jim Messina: In panels "I" and "J", our faceless ward of the state has food stamps, her trusty ebt card, Medicare, Medicaid, Obamacare, and her college loans are payed in full because of HER MESSIAH. She has an alter to YOU in her one-room apartment.
She has everything.........but a job. Or a husband. 

Finally, in panel "K", Julia gets her Democrat Lifetime Service Medal from The Democrat Party U.S.S.A. ObamaCare keeps her alive until she passes away at the age of 167.

....and you are STILL PRESIDENT. So it is written, so shall it be done.

With that eeevil Romney as President (if Mitt's Great-grandson Bringham is the President in 2176), Mormons declare a Theocracy in America, and begins rounding up
all non-Mormons.

Obama: Wow! Great work, Ginger! Let's do it!


Communist Russia

Communist China

Communist America

Our Little Dictator Stumbles Out Of The Gate

Columbus, Ohio-On Saturday, Our Little Dictator kicked off his 2012 campaign at a sparsely-attended rally at THE Ohio State University's Value City Arena/ Schottenstein Center in Columbus. In 2008, Obama ran a flawless campaign, but after three years into his devastating Presidency, it appears that the Buckeye State has had enough.

It appears that The Messiah has stumbled out of the gate this time around. His campaign photographer had to play crowd wrangler to the 14,000 reliable collegiate Obots, moving them away from all of the empty seats.

Still, his compliant Obots came out to show allegiance to Their Messiah.

" When he speaks, I start to feel like I can just about faint", one female student named Julia said.

"It's amazing that our god-like President will actually take time to come down here to speak to us!" said one of her swooning friends.

A male Obot expressed his wish that Obama will speak about an issue especially close to his heart:

"I have $40,000 in student loans. I'm sure hopin' that The President will tell us that I don't have to pay it back".

Obama continued his campaign kick-off in Richmond, Virginia.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Janet Napolitano Needs Your Help

The RedSquirrel Report is always eager to help in the war against terrorists, foreign and domestic, that pose a threat against America. It's in that spirit of cooperation that we welcome Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano:

Thank you, RedSquirrel. Yesterday was May Day. As you know, domestic terrorists broke windows and caused some damage across this country. Just be secure in knowing that me and my officers are hot on the trail of these Tea Party Right-wing terrorists that committed these acts.

For the last couple years, we have been watching these right-wing groups and inappropriately groping possible perps at airports across the country. Last week,  I was under the impression that May Day would be falling on Sunday. Unfortunately, I had forgot to take down the 2011 calender in my office. My bad.

And so, my office was caught with our pants down, and those dastardly Tea Party troublemakers went on a destruction spree across the country. As President Obama's Director of Homeland Secretary, I am asking for your help. If you know anybody who  votes Republican, or has at some time expressed dissatisfaction with my boss, President Barack Obama, please contact my office. We need to bring these right-wing fanatics to justice. For the record, I have changed my calender.

Thank you.

Janet Napolitano
Director Of Homeland Security.

Happy May Day From The Director Of Parks And Recreation

Happy May Day!

As Director of Parks and Recreation, I am excited to tell you all about the variety of May Day activities The Board of Parks and Recreation has in store FOR YOU!

At 2:00 pm, come down to the park and watch our friends with The Occupy Movement, as they protest corporate America, and engage in some window-breaking.

Please, bring something to cover your mouth, for some of these protesters may be carrying tuberculosis. Also, if you are bringing your pre-teens, keep them at a safe distance. There may be a few rapists in the crowd, and we warn you that the signs these protesters carry may be offensive if you're not an anti-Semite, or would like to 'see the rich killed'.

At Floyd B. Olson Parkway, there will be a May Day Parade. Come on down and bring your wicker baskets, filled with whatever you wish. I suggest you gift wrap some soaps. The protesters will appreciate that.

Several local government unions wanted to burn Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker in effigy, but I personally refused their request. They may do it anyway.

Finally, join us at The May Pole, and dance to the music of Toxic Cannibal. What a SLAMMING way to wind down our May Day festivities.

So, come on down and have some May Day fun!

J. Red Squirrel
Director of Parks and Recreation

Mayor M. Dilettante
Office of The Mayor of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers

Obama's Self-Congratulation Campaign Continues

Late yesterday, Our Little Dictator took a secret trip to Afghanistan, and made a very unsecretive, nationally-televised speech, announcing a draw-down from the war-torn country.

That was just part of his "I Personally Killed Osama Bin Laden Tour 2012" festivities in conjunction with the official launch of his re-election campaign, which has gone on since inauguration day 2009.

Also, as part of this celebration, is his self-congratulatory ''Gutsy Call'' campaign. At this rate, he may introduce legislation that will make May "I Killed Osama Bin Laden"  a month-long national holiday.

The Messiah took a short break from congratulating himself by insulting and denigrating the presumptive GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, suggesting that the former Massachusetts Governor WOULD NOT HAVE ordered the hit. Of course, Obama knows this, because on top of all of his other God-like powers, he can also read minds.

Obama may demand that the Republican-ran House of Representatives pass a national 'Year Of Obama' declaration in to honor the fact that The President ordered the hit on Osama Bin Laden. Of course, the House GOP probably will refuse. Obama will retaliate by labelling them 'rascists'.

Personal note: The President isn't the only one this week to make a gutsy call. Your bushy-tailed correspondent put on his pants one leg at a time. GUTSY CALL!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Bronies-The Future Of America?

This week, The RedSquirrel Report is issuing a warning to America.

We are learning about a strange subculture of dorkish zeta-males who call themselves Bronies (brother + pony). dedicated fans of 80's cartoon My Little Pony. The TV program features a fantasy world of girlish, pastel-hued ponies. with precious names such as Pinky Pie and IceCream SunTickle. Each pony has a cutie mark.

This developing Brony culture appears to have many Americans concerned for this country's future. Many are mortified that supposedly grown men would obsess over a cartoon whose targeted audience consists of 9-year-old girls. This bushy-tailed correspondent considers this development rather comical.

Still, we here at The RedSquirrel Report would like to help our readers know how to identify a Brony. Perhaps you may even know one. This is what we know:

A herd of Bronies will walk into a tattoo parlor, and each one will ask the tattoo artist for a 'cutie mark'.

In 2009, a Brony was spotted riding a magic unicorn into the White House, promising to lower the sea levels. He has since done untold damage to this country.

While some men defend this country in the armed forces, others are into paintball wars. Bronies throw 'glitter bombs'.

Your emasculated, 26-year-old son gets a free physical check-up, payed for through your insurance. After the exam, your doctor brings you the bad news:

"Your son has a severe case of 'Acute Lameness'.

If your son spends a lot of time in his room, cuts classes at the community college where he's enrolled, or eventually flunks out, he may be a Brony.

Some Bronies actually glue a unicorn horn onto their foreheads. If your son does this, he may have a problem if he comes home from the job interview with one protruding from his skull.

There are documented examples of dads who actually try to get their Brony sons addicted to pornography, rather than see their sissified sons wallow in this Bronified state. This is not recommended.

From what we know so far, Bronies are harmless. Still, if your Brony's weird obsession impedes his ability to function as a young adult, consult a psychologist.

The RedSquirrel Report will keep you updated on this important story. Stay tuned.