Sunday, June 30, 2013

And Now, Some Really Gay News

As we bid a fond farewell to June, also known now as LGBT Pride Month, your bushy-tailed correspondent looks back at the month that was.

LGBT Pride Month actually got off to a running start in April, as professional basketball player Jason Collins came out, announcing to the world that he takes it to the hole.

On the 13th, The Democrat-ran Minnesota State Legislature voted to legalize same-sex marriage. This week, The Supreme Court struck down The Defence Of Marriage Act, and also overturned California's Proposition 8.

Finally, Minneapolis Mayor RT Rybak announced that on August 1, he will be personally officiating 40 same-sex marriage ceremonies.

We get it, RT. You really, really, really, really, REALLY like gays.

Is Nancy Pelosi Possessed By An Unclean Spirit?

On July 4, 1776, our founding fathers pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor in adopting The Declaration of Independence. These incredible individuals risked everything for freedom.

This week, unhinged ex-Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said that Americans should celebrate Obamacare on July 4.

"Next week, when we celebrate Independence Day we'll also be observing health independence. This week marks one year since The Supreme Court upheld The Affordable Care Act. It captures the spirit of our founders. The spirit they wrote in The Declaration of Independence: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Pelosi failed to mention the 16,000 new IRSS agents Obama has hired to force the American people into compliance. Obamacare remains the worst piece of legislation in this country's history, robbing the American people of their freedom as well as their money.

When Ms. Pelosi speaks, I don't know if she's deliberately insulting all freedom-loving Americans, or if she's just putting us all on.

It almost seems as if this weird creature is possessed by an unclean spirit. Perhaps she should be committed.

Friday, June 28, 2013

This Picture Says It All


It looks like somebody's had enough of "hopey-changey."

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Janet Napolitano: Tom Francois Is A Threat To National Security

We here at The RedSquirrel Report are always happy to help our government when there's a threat to our national security. Today, we welcome Director of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, who has this word of warning concerning a truly grave threat to the country. Take it away, Big Sis:

Thank you, RedSquirrel. Today, I address you, our subjects, concerning a serious threat to our Dear Leader's regime. His name is Tom Francois.

right-wing troublemaker Tom Francois
Mr. Francois is dangerous because he dares to criticize Dear Leader on Twitter. We have sent two SS (Secret Service) agents to his residence. We wanted to tear his property to pieces, but the right-wing maniac told our agents that he had nothing to hide.

Mr. Francois has the unmitigated gall of photo-shopping tasteless, mean-spirited images of Dear Leader & Queen Michelle, which he tweets almost daily. We are afraid that one of his 'followers' on Twitter may try to harm King Barack, which could ignite an orgy of bloodshed and carnage from sea to shining sea.

Here at Homeland Security, we ignore Muslim terrorists, and harass patriots and those associated with the dreaded Tea Party movement. Mr. Francois is guilty of acting in a highly-conservative manner. We ignore the nightly bloodbath of gunfire in Chicago but harass Second Amendment advocates.

We believe that Mr. Francois supports The Second Amendment. In fact, he told our SS (Secret Service) agents that he is a gun-owner. The monster.

Mr. Francois is a cabinet builder residing in Phoenix, Arizona. We believe that he hides bombs in those cabinets he builds....and probably assault weapons. We're also pretty sure that he has made a political contribution to our enemies.

He may have even met with the evil Koch Brothers.

We have been watching Mr. Francois for a while now. While we were monitoring him, The Tsarnaev Brothers and their handlers were carrying out the assault on The Boston Marathon. Whoops. Our bad.

We are asking his neighbors to spy on him. If anyone out there has a photo of Mr. Francois plotting with a 'Timothy McVeigh-type', please send your photo(s) to me.

Your country and the regime will appreciate it. Thank you.

Janet Napolitano, Director of Homeland Security.

Meet Tanner Boyle: GOP Advisor

In the 1970's, reporters asked Former President Jimmy Carter's teenage daughter Amy her opinion on nuclear arms. Democrats love to use children to make Republicans look like war-mongering, heartless ogres, so we here at The RedSquirrel Report thought that we would ask a child his thoughts on the issues of the day.

Meet Tanner Boyle. He's an all-American kid who loves baseball. He also has some interesting advice for The GOP.

We asked him if Tea Party Republicans on Capitol Hill should compromise on 'comprehensive immigration reform' with The Democrats and The Gang of Eight. He advised The GOP to tell The Democrats this:

"Hey you Democrats can take your 'immigration reform' and shove it straight up your...."

Then, we asked Tanner what give his advice to a GOP that wants to win in 2014. He responded:

"Y' know, You Republicans would probably start winning again if you would just stand up for yerselves."

Next, we asked him about Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and The IRS 'scandal.' Tanner said:

"If those Republican CRUDS cared about America, they'd IMPEACH Obama's CRUDDY ASS."

Thank you, Tanner Boyle.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Miss Utah Steals The Show

Miss Connecticut Erin Brady won the Miss USA Contest last Sunday, but it was Miss Utah Marissa Powell who 'stole the show', with her great flub during the question portion of the contest.

Nene Leakes of the reality series The Real Housewives of Atlanta asked this question:

"A recent report shows in 40% of American families with children, women are the primary earners, yet they continue to earn less than men. What does that say about society?"

Miss Utah Marissa Powell responded with this:

"I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are continuing to try to pause)

figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are....seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to see how to.

create education better. So that we can solve this problem. Thank you."

For a moment there, she made about as much sense as President Obama does when he's without his teleprompter. Of course, he would've blamed former President George W. Bush.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

This Just In: Obama And His Minions Are Liars

This just in:

President Obama lies like a priceless Persian rug lying on a rich man's floor.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lies like the man with slick-back hair who sold me that Ford.

Attorney General Eric Holder lies like a penny in a parking lot at the grocery store.

Susan Rice lies like a pine tree in the back yard after last week's storm.

and, Director of National Security James Clapper lies like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch.

It comes so natural to them.

A Word From HHS Secretary Kathleen 'Cruella' Sebelius

Today, we welcome Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear delicious little Americans,

We your overlords were displeased to learn that little Sarah what'sherface is getting a lung. Somehow, that little girl escaped the clutches of my death panel. I'm so angry that I can barbecue a Dalmatian.

Other than that, Dear Leader is pleased to see his Obamacare being implemented, and we are in the process of hiring thousands of sadistic IRSS agents to enforce compliance.

Our delicious scheme was to force responsible Americans to pay for the health care of illegal immigrants, the irresponsible, and all government employees. We were toying with the idea of exempting the corrupt, psychotic weirdos in Congress who fashioned and voted for this deliciously awful piece of legislation. The American People would be happy to subsidize their Obamacare premiums.

The Affordable Care Act was designed to be completely unaffordable, even for your congressional representatives who voted for it. Ultimately, we WILL have our single payer system. That's why we passed this Obamacare law that resembles something that The Antichrist would design.

Well, that's all for now. As you were, you delicious little puppies.

Kathleen 'Cruella' Sebelius, Health and Human Services Secretary

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Data Police Are Coming To Arrest Me

Good morning, comrades.

As Glenn Beck states, 'Today looks different than just a week ago'. We are learning all about The Regime's PRISM Program. Obama and his authoritarian snoops are gathering up as much information on you they can.

They are gathering info on everything you buy, everything you text, and everything you say on facebook, Twitter, as well as your e-mails. Somebody is also listening in to your phone calls.

Remember when Dear Leader said that under him, America will be 'fundamentally transformed'? Welcome to President Creepy's Obamanation.

Obama's hero Saul Alinsky told his followers to 'Pick the target. freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it'. The target is the freedom-loving American. Obama wants to make his critics shut up, and make us afraid to say what's on our minds.

If you criticize radical Islam, the Feds might pay you a visit. He has sicced The IRS on conservatives and harassed the free press. The Executive Branch of this government is out of control and drunk with power.

This makes the rabid redsquirrel mad, and when I get mad, I.........think that I'm in the mood for another song parody. Helping me is the legendary rockers Cheap Trick. Hit it, boys:

The Data Police are coming after you
The Data Police are watching everything that you do
The Data Police are monitoring my blog....Oh no

They watch me on facebook, I think they're spying on me
and when I tweet my tweets, I think they're following me

tonight. tonight.

They're up in my face...On cyberspace
Data mining. Obama's insane.
The NSA want to pick my brain

The IRS and the Justice Department is never gonna leave me alone
Even when Obama's on vacation, they will never. ever leave me alone
What the heck are they doing on my phone?
And what are they doing with that database?

AG Holder's 'Off The Record' Meeting: We Were There

Attorney General Eric Holder is a reporter-hassling dynamo. He seized FOX NEWS reporter James Rosen's phone records and e-mails, then subpoenaed The Associated Press's phone records.

10 days ago, he invited the news media up to his office at The Justice Department Building for an off-the-record powwow. He wanted to make-up with the mainstream news media that he had been harassing.

You might be wondering why the Attorney General would invite the 'news media' over for a meeting that they could never tell their viewers and readers about. He did it because he's drunk with power, and he's starting to lose his lapdogs.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was there. We agreed to keep this meeting off-the-record, but he didn't see that I had crossed my fingers. This is what he told us:

I completely support your First Amendment right to suck-up to me and my boss....

I promise that I will stop violating your First Amendment rights, as long as you don't try to write anything negative about Dear Leader.

President Creepy has ordered Holder to investigate himself.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Happy LBGT Pride Month

I missed the memo, but June is LBGT Pride Month. February was Black History Month. I'm wondering if someone will proclaim July Illegal Alien Month, and will we be expected to pronounce July 'Hool-eye?'

How are we supposed to celebrate LBGT Pride Month, anyways? I don't want to do anything that offends them, like attend one of their highly festive parades with a sign that reads, "God Hates Sodomites."

Oooh, awkward.

Is this about righting past wrongs? Maybe we're supposed to remember the bad old days when evil straight people would stack them like firewood and set them on fire. Here is my rule of thumb. I think stacking people like firewood and setting them on fire IS NEVER GOOD.

Maybe all good, open-minded Americans should attend a same-sex marriage ceremony. I have a question about that. If the officiating minister tells Harold to kiss Gerald, is it bad same-sex wedding etiquette to loudly yell, 'Ewwwwww.' as the happy couple sticks their man-tongues into each other's maw?

Seriously, when did we start celebrating a person's sexuality anyways? I leave you alone, so just leave me alone. Why should society give L's, B's, G's or T's their own month, and when will Straight, Red Squirrels get our own month?

Dibs on July.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Remember, June 14 is Flag Day

Remember, June 14 is Flag Day....

or as Michelle Obama calls it, 'All THIS for a damn Flag' Day.