Thursday, March 27, 2014

Our Correspondent Robin Leach Follows FLOTUS To China

Last week, First Lady Michelle Obama took ANOTHER taxpayer-funded vacay. The globe-trotting First Lady took her daughters Malia and Sasha, as well as her Mother on a trip to China.

Our correspondent Robin Leach tagged along:

Champagne hopes and caviar change for jet-setting First Lady Michelle Obama, as she takes another taxpayer-funded vacay, this time to The Far East!

On Monday, she spoke at a Chinese elementary school. She was surprised to learn that the schoolchildren in China are better fed than their American counterparts. For some reason, the schoolchildren in America throw away their lunches which consists mostly of rabbit food.

One little Chinese schoolgirl told The First Lady that her mommy tells her to finish her

dinner or the schoolchildren in America will starve.

Michelle told the children about her victory garden as well as her 'Let's Move' campaign for physical fitness. In Communist China, you need an internal passport (Hukou) if you want to MOVE from one area inside China to another.

Still, her Chinese hosts were interested about her 'victory garden', the very term sounding quite communistic.

Then on Tuesday, she spoke at a women's conference, where she complained about the War on Women in America. China has a mandatory one-child policy, aborting baby girls to control over-population. I'm sure that the women of China are grateful they have a government to make decisions for them, as opposed to America where women have to make that difficult decision. 

Later in the day, The First Lady spoke about religious freedom before The National People's Congress. Michelle wow'd her audience, proudly speaking about her husband's persecution of Christians. She received a standing ovation from the communist party officials who run China.

Mrs. Obama also met with members of China's state-run news media, and then promised to have them visit America to meet with members of America's state-run media.

Next, Michelle broke out the credit cards, and bought some high-priced jewelry for her dogs.

Finally, the tone-deaf First Lady attended a state dinner with the super-rich party elite before returning back home.

Pajama Boy: Have You Signed Up For Affordable Care Yet?

The Deadline for signing up for Obamacare is Monday, so Pajama Boy sends this message:

Have you signed up for Obamacare yet? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Have you? You have until Monday to sign up, or you will be in violation of Dear Leader's signature legislation.

Why won't you sign up for free health care? You must be a racist. Chances are, you probably believe all the lies that thousands of angry Americans are telling the opposition faux news media about cancelled health plans, difficulties in getting a doctor, and skyrocketing premiums.

Damn those Koch Brothers. Damn those liars.

Don't you know that The Democrats wants to set you free from your icky job? Granny Pelosi wants us all to pursue our passions. If you always wanted to paint, now you have all that free time because The Democrats have set you free from your job. You probably can't afford painting supplies, but I'm sure The Democrats next step is to pass legislation giving you free painting supplies.

C'mon all you 26-year-old children, just put on your onesie, and sit down cross-legged on the floor. Mommy will heat you up a nice cup of hot cocoa. Let's chitchat about The Affordable Care Act deadline.

I've invited my friends over this Monday night to count down the seconds before The ACA deadline. It's like New Year's Eve at my house.

The other day I sent a letter to Dear Leader, thanking him for affordable care. I told him that The Democrats really should take their entire agenda, and re-name it The Freedom From Freedom Act. I'm sure that our allies in the MSM would be happy to put a positive spin on it. Yippee!

Well, that's all for now. I gotta go kiss my Obama Flag. Oops, it looks like I made in my onesie.

Mom, I need my diaper changed.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Rep. Keith Ellison: Democrats Should Come Out Against The 2nd Amendment

Representative Keith Hakim Ellison X (D-MN) made an appearance on Bill Maher's Real Time cable show, and suggested that Democrats come out against The Second Amendment.

His remarks would offend most normal Americans, but almost nobody watches Real Time With Bill Maher. Still, we thought that we would invite him here to explain himself:

Thank you, infidel squirrel.

I appeared on Bill Maher's Real Time program on HBO last week, and he goaded me into violating my oath as a member of The U.S. House of Representatives. All I was sayin' was that this country needs fewer armed citizens, while the police becomes more militarized. Only the military and the police need to have guns.

The progressive caucus knows what's best for the American people. In fact, we should also take a second look at the First Amendment. This country would be better off if that racist Catholic Sean Hannity was taken off the air.

That reminds me.....The 3rd Amendment has always rubbed me the wrong way.

In fact, The Bill of Rights have always stopped the government from taking it's rightful control over the American people. However, we should keep The 14th Amendment. I like that one.

Well, that's all for now. If I have any more ideas involving the violation of your freedom, I'll be sure to let you know. May Allah bless all my little dhimmicrats.

Allahu Akbar.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Sharpton, Democrats Break Ground For Voter Fraud Hall Of Fame

While appearing at the voter fraud rights rally in Cleveland, MSNBC host Al Sharpton honored Melowese Richardson as the first inductee into The Voter Fraud Hall of Fame.

Richardson, a Democrat poll worker, was convicted in 2013 for voter fraud.

She had confessed to voting multiple times for Obama during the 2012 election, and was indicted for voting six more times in 2008 and 2012. She was sentenced to five years in prison, but then released, because Cleveland is a Democrat stronghold that values it's voter fraud.

Richardson's career statistics are impressive indeed, and it looks like she will be committing vote fraud for many years to come.

After hugging the proud and unrepentant criminal, Sharpton and a group of Democrat activists walked outside, where workers broke ground for the brand-spankin' new $90,000,000 Voter Fraud Hall of Fame Building.

It is scheduled to be completed in January 2016.

The Voter Fraud Hall of Fame will exhibit a Rigged Vote Machine Room, an expansive wing dedicated to 'The Chicago Way', as well as a wing dedicated to The Barack Obama 2012 re-election.

There's so much Democrat vote fraud, it will be hard to squeeze in all the exhibits. The planners are already working on an expansion.

Monday, March 17, 2014

According To A New Poll Conducted By The RedSquirrel Report....

According to a new poll conducted by The RedSquirrel Report, The Top 3 Douches in America Are:

1. Summer's Eve
2. Massengill
3. Bill Maher

Tommy Chong: Forcing A Girl To Freeze Is 'School Policy'? That's Effed Up, Man

On February 26, St. Paul's Como Park High School ran a fire drill. Fourteen year old Kayona Hagen-Tietz was in the school's swimming pool as the fire alarm went off.

The other students walked out into the cold, morning air. This day it was 5 below outside, with a wind-chill of 25 below, and Kayona only had a swimsuit and a towel.

Hagen-Tietz said that she and another student was rushed outdoors by the teacher, and was left freezing for 10 minutes. Finally, other students huddled around her and she was given a jacket and something to cover her feet.

She got frostbite. The school is supposed to look out for and protect the students, but in their adherence to 'school policy', she was not allowed to go where it was warm. Once again, a government school fails their test in common sense.

So, we asked counter-culture rebel Tommy Chong what he thought about this story:

Wow man, keeping a student outside in only a swimsuit and a towel? That's so effed up! There should have been at least one teacher there to tell her to just stay inside.

It's only a drill.

Her parents should be really pissed off. If Kayona was my kid, I'd be tearing the principal a new one. I hope her parents hire a really mean lawyer, and he sues these nonsensical dumb-asses.

What the hell is wrong with these government schools? A seven-year-old is suspended for kissing a female classmate's hand, and another kid is threatened with arrest over a tweet? Now, these idiots tell a little girl to freeze. School policy, my ass.

I'm also concerned for these millenials. They're too trusting of authority. If the teacher tells my daughter to go outside in 25 below wind-chill with only a bathing suit, I tell my daughter you can just tell the dumb ass teacher to 'go fly a kite. I'm putting my clothes on first.'

You have to learn to rebel against stupidity.

It's a good thing to question authority, especially when it looks like they're trying to kill you. During The Vietnam War, some kids burned their stupid draft cards, and risked going to prison instead of letting themselves be conscripted into a war the government refused to win.

As you know, I've done my share of drugs, but I have to wonder what that idiot teacher was on when he/she told Kayona to go outside in those elements.


Tommy Chong

Communists Protest $100 Mil Donation To Hospital

Last week, the highly-demonized Koch brothers donated $100,000,000 to a hospital, and apparently that was just too much for a leftist mob protesting the donation.

The RedSquirrel Report sent our reporter to this protest, and caught this speech from SEIU official Ronny Ratzer:

Damn those generous tea-baggers (The mob boos loudly)

The Koch Brothers are right-wing corporatists. Did you know they also contribute to RETHUGLICANS? We disapprove of Citizens United because these corporatists are NOT PEOPLE!!! UNIONS ARE PEOPLE!!!! (The crowd cheers).

In fact, Rethuglicans aren't people. Most of them are RACISTS, because they don't worship our messiah, President Barack Hussein Obama...mmmm....mmmm....mmmm....

We protest this donation because we want quality care, NOT KOCH CARE!! If the hospital accepts a charitable donation from these two, quality of care WILL SUFFER! (The crowd boos).

If the hospital accepts this money, the orderlies will begin throwing old people down the stairs and pushing patients out the windows! I simply cannot stand by and watch someone who was severely beaten by our SEIU thugs receive care from a hospital that accepts money from The Koch Brothers! (The crowd cheers and boos)

The eeeevil Koch Brothers give away an incredible amount of their Rethuglican blood money each year. We think they're doing this to cheat on their taxes. (The crowd boos again).

We know everything these two do because Our Messiah sicced The IRS on his enemies and Obama Campaign Chair Jim Messina harassed Mitt Romney's donors during the 2012 campaign.

To all you Rethuglican corporatists who snidely ask, 'Why don't you commie rent-a-mobs get a job?'

We say, 'Saving America from The Koch Brothers IS OUR JOB.' (The crowd cheers wildly).

All hail Our Messiah!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

What Will Liberals Ban Next?

This week, liberals added the word bossy to the constantly-growing list of words that they would like to ban.

At one time, the word liberal meant 'open-minded' and 'tolerant.' In recent decades, liberals have been on a cultural and civic jihad against almost everything that may cause enjoyment or enhance someone's life.

Why are these liberal busybodies so incredibly hell-bent on controlling every aspect of our lives? They appear to be unhinged, psychotic control freaks in a constant war against normalcy and common decency, while imposing their godless values on the people.

On January 1, 2014, the incandescent light bulb was banned. In January, New York Governor  Andrew Cuomo wanted to ban conservatives! Commie libs on American universities have created a list of banned words, instituting speech codes.

In the 1960's, devil-crazed atheists banned God from American classrooms, then The Ten Commandments. Now, the communists who run public education are referring to our little dictator Barack Obama as The Messiah.

When brain-dead government schools teach little kids that Barry is 'the Messiah', America becomes more like North Korea than The America where we grew up. When Obama sends a message to his OFA minions 'You are doing God's work.' you have to wonder which god he is referring to. Yahweh? Allah? HIMSELF?

I always thought these Stalinist maniacs wanted to separate church and state.

Meanwhile, The First Moocher is on a crusade against fatty foods. The kids have responded by throwing their school rabbit food into garbage cans across America. Former New York Mayor Nanny Bloomberg banned salt, fat, and large, sugary drinks.

In the 90's, smokers became second-class citizens because the busybodies decided that since smoking indoors is 'unhealthy', it should be banned. Now, the health Nazis want to ban e-cigs because they look unhealthy.

All this makes your bushy-tailed correspondent pause and ponder the following question:

What will liberals ban next?

I'm thinking that liberals will try to ban bacon next. Bacon contains more calories than a rice cake, and people like it.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Schoolhouse Rock: I Am A Bill (Obamacare Remix)

I'm Obamacare
Oh yes, I'm Obamacare
You won't have a penny to spare

Well, The Dems stole a seat way up there in Minnesota
Found some votes in a car near Zumbrota
Al Franken was the 60th vote, The Dems cheated but they didn't care
or if the law isn't fair
They passed Obamacare

Kid: Wow, those Democrats had to pull a lot of crap to get you passed into law, didn't they?

Obamacare: OH YEAH!!!!

I am over 27,000 pages of leftist mumbo jumbo, class warfare, subsidies and exemptions for some, and unfair taxes, freedom-stealing consumer fraud for others.

I am Obamacare
Oh yeah, I'm Obamacare
Lots of people say that this is unfair

Well, I began illegally in the Senate
and there was a lot of bribes
And I got tons of positive press
from Obama's liberal scribes

Then he signed me, I am the law of the land
If the GOP doesn't repeal me I'm gonna stand
I'm Obamacare

Kid: So, you started illegally in the Senate instead of the House where spending bills are supposed to, then dozens of bribes were handed out. There was 'The Louisiana Purchase' and 'The Cornhusker Kick-Back.'

Then Nancy Pelosi said, 'We have to pass it, so we can know what's in it.'

People in Congress MUST BE IDIOTS!!! I didn't know they were SO CORRUPT!

Obamacare: OH YEAH!!!! Now, people are seeing what's in me, and they don't like it. Millions of Americans have had their health plans cancelled, and everyone in Congress got an EXEMPTION! The President is trying to steal as much money from the young and productive, and subsidize the poor, old, and unhealthy.

Also, our imperial President is constantly changing 'The Affordable Care Act', and that's illegal.

'The Affordable Care Act' is another name for 'Obamacare.'

On top of THAT, we have thousands of 'navigators' signing people up , and nobody knows who they are. They could be identity thieves. People signing up may be giving their information to computer hackers in Russia for all we know.

I'm Obamacare
Yes, I'm Obamacare
I am a real nightmare

Now, there's a mandate and a March deadline
If you don't sign up, you will be fined
Because Obama signed me, I am the law of the land
It's more than many Americans can bear
We don't care, I'm Obamacare


Obamacare: OH NO!!!!

John Kerry Song Parody Alert

Did you know that Hall And Oates 70's superhit 'Rich Girl' was about a rich guy?

Kerry's a Rich Boy
And Putin's gone too far
But 'What difference does it matter anyway?'
You can rely on Teresa's money
You can rely on Teresa's money

Hill's a bitch girl
Russia in Ukraine
So why do you have such a long, long  face?
Just jump on your yacht that she bought 
and sail far

Your foreign policy blows, don't you know?
You're not qualified for this job
We're so screwed, It's Obama's show
He really thinks you can fake being strong
But he must be smoking a bong

Kerry's a rich boy
Putin has gone too far
But 'What difference does it matter anyway?'
You can rely on that Soros money
You can rely on that Soros money

Hill's a bitch girl
Just forget Benghazi too
So why do you have such a long, long face?
Just get on your yacht that Teresa bought
and sail far

Our allies are high and dry, The Ukraine
And who cares how many infidels are slain?
We will decry global climate change
You can bet, they will underfund our vets
Make them pay the national debt

John Kerry's a rich boy....

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Reid Sagehorn Update: School Vice-Superintendent Is A Former Turkish Prison Guard

Minnesota High School Senior Reid Sagehorn was almost arrested----over a tweet.

In January, he and some friends were goofing off on Twitter, when one of his friends asked him if he has made out with a young female gym teacher.

Actually, yes, he sarcastically tweeted.

After school officials from The Elk River School District found out about his 2-word tweet, they suspended Reid for two months. The youngster was an honor student, and captain of the Rogers High School football and basketball team. Over-zealous school administrators and law enforcement officers threatened to bring charges against him and the teacher.

Then, Reid's fellow students began the hashtag #FreeReid on Twitter, because they know what most people know. Kids will goof around and occasionally do or say dumb things.

This story reminded me of 7-year-old Hunter Yelton, who was also suspended from school last year for kissing his female classmate on the hand.

Recently, your bushy-tailed correspondent was watching the 1978 Turkish Prison drama Midnight Express, a movie about another youngster dealing with an over-zealous, cruel government system.

After watching this movie, I made an incredibly amazing discovery....

Elk River School District Vice-Superintendent Roy Hamadu (pictured) became an American citizen in 1980. Before that, he was a prison guard in Istanbul!

Our roving reporter confronted Hamadu on this revelation. He quickly admitted that he wanted to take a stick and beat Reid Sagehorn's feet over the offending tweet.

That explains everything.

And Now, Some More Gay News

Last week, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer caved to the homosexual pressure groups and The NFL, and vetoed Bill #1062.

The NFL had threatened to pull a future Super Bowl from the state if Brewer had signed it into law.

This bill would have made it legal for business owners, like bakers, to deny service to someone if they disagreed with their lifestyle. To Christians and Catholics, it was a religious freedom bill and to the homosexuals, it was supposedly viewed as state-sponsored discrimination.

For the rest of us, this bill was viewed as a 'freedom' issue. You can bake a cake for anyone or refuse to do so for any reason you feel.

Now that you cannot refuse to bake a cake for those you have a moral difference with, your bushy-tailed pundit wonders:

Does this mean that a gay baker can be forced to bake a cake for Fred Phelps and the congregation of The Westboro Baptist Church? What if Fred demanded that the cake decorator put "God Hates Sodomites" in large, red letters on top of the cake?

Can a Muslim extremist caterer be forced to cater a Bar Mitzvah?

Stay tuned.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

An RSR Exclusive: David Corn Knows Something The Rest Of Us Don't

This week, Mother Jones journalist David Corn (pictured) took to Twitter, and shared Jeremy Schulman's stunning story, "Study: Global Warming Will Cause 180,000 More Rapes By 2099". Then, Corn tweeted the following:

Nothing confounds many conservatives like #science and #reserach. Someone should do a study on this.

And so, conservatives on Twitter had some snarky fun at Corn's expense, making fun of the way he misspelled 'research.'

Subsequently, your bushy-tailed investigative journalist has learned that Corn DID NOT misspell 'research'. There is a super-secret laboratory, where scientists actually do reserach. David Corn knew this.

The government has gone to great lengths to keep this under wraps.

We have discovered that our government has successfully sent reserachers into the future to ask rapists what it was that made them so violent, and we already know that global climate change will be to blame.

Our RSR correspondent asked one reseracher (who asked that his identity be withheld to protect his anonymity) about other exciting studies that will effect life on our planet for decades to come. We have learned the following:

Home-schooling will result in 20,000 mass-shootings by 2120. Reserachers are currently reseraching ways to combat the ill-effects of home-schooling.

Opening the Keystone XL Pipeline will result in 10,000,000 grandmothers being pushed off a cliff by 2050.

Stay tuned as we stay on top of this developing story.

Harry Reid Is Calling You A Liar

Dishonesty, mean-spiritedness, & corruption are the three things that are keeping Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) alive. If you took these things away, he would probably disintegrate into thin air.

This week, Reid made the outrageous claim that Americans with Obamacare horror stories are liars. The control-freak Democrats have stolen your freedom, cancelled your health plans, and now, they're calling you a liar.

The Democrats have resorted to smearing The American People, greedily hanging on to their power as Obamacare goes down in flames.

Politifact's Liar of the Year (Barack Obama) said that if we liked our doctor we could keep our doctor. To Harry Reid, Obama isn't the liar. You are.