Thursday, November 26, 2015

And Now, The RSR Weather Report

Today was a delightful, cool Thanksgiving Day, with temps in the upper 30's....

....or as the president calls it, 'this country's greatest national security threat.'

Back to you, Jeff and Cindy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Yakov Smirnoff Reports From The 2015 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

Hello America! This is Yakov Smirnoff, reporting from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Since Communist Mayor Bill DeBlasio was elected, the local authorities felt that it was time for a change to this grand Thanksgiving Day tradition.

Gone are the festive floats, high school marching bands, and big, happy Snoopy, Garfield, and SpongeBob SquarePants balloons. In fact, I don't see hardly any police to keep order. They've been replaced by President Obama's Personal Civilian Security. 

Grand Marshal Comrade Mayor Bill DeBlasio blows his whistle! Either he's starting the parade, or he caught someone in possession of a salty food!

Leading the parade this year is our friends at Occupy Wall Street, complete with a drum circle! Oh is crapping on a police car! There ARE police here, after all! Either that, or the car was stolen.

Here comes a float with former Mayor-for-life Michael Bloomberg, waving to the crowd. Uh oh, angry New Yorkers are throwing their cups of soda at him!

Here come The Black Lives Matter float! They're jumping off the float......onto another stolen police car! Now, they're tipping it over....

Now, here comes our first balloon! Oh wait, it's just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. There's a balloon BEHIND HIM! It's Nikita Khrushchev! 

Now, here comes a sea of purple t-shirts from the Service Employees International Union! Oh-oh! They're in the crowd. Now, they're beating up the crowd! Will somebody help the Black gentleman get back into his wheelchair?

Now, here comes hundreds of minimum wage activists, marching in a very long line. Now, they are marching straight towards a local government services center, where they will hope to wait in an unemployment line. Hey comrades, the government services center is closed! It's a holiday....

Here comes ANOTHER balloon! Wow, that Kim Jong Un balloon is impressive!  Heh, heh, heh....What a COMMIE!

Now, here comes some horse-drawn carriages. Now, Commissar DeBlasio is sending his secret police to arrest the drivers. Oooooh, and right behind them is a float with red and yellow flowers that form a large hammer and sickle, courtesy of The Communist Party U.S.A.!

Following that float is a limo with a bust of KARL MARX mounted on the front! It feels like I'm back home and it's the 1970's!

And, finally, bringing up the rear is hundreds of low-information activists and Obama supporters, and they're all in donkey costumes. I'm sure that these folks will ALWAYS be bringing up the rear!

Well, that's it for The 2015 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, sponsored this year by George Soros. If there's an America next year, we'll do this again! See ya then! So long from Bill DeBlasio's New York City!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

President Obama's Thanksgiving Address To America 2015

My fellow Americans,

Before you sit down with your families for your Thanksgiving feast, I need to warn all Americans who plan any traveling. You should probably just stay where you are because I'm announcing a worldwide travel warning to all Americans, due to the number one threat to our national climate change. 

The only people who will not be experiencing a travel restriction will be the 100,000 Syrian 'refugees' that will be arriving in America soon. Hopefully, they will 'thank me' on Election Day 2016.

 As for ISIS, the American people can be thankful to ME because I am happy to announce that ISIS has been contained. In fact, they're on the run. The massive, widespread murder that occurred in Paris is due to climate change.

As you pass the potatoes, I hope that you will remind your Republican Uncle about the many ways my administration has made America a better, more just nation. Now, undocumented immigrants get free healthcare. As for all the veterans languishing in our scandal-ridden VA system, just say what I say....

"It's the Republicans' fault!"

After you finish the apple and cherry pie, sit down with your younger relatives, and remind them about all the ways that The Muslim faith has woven itself in the fabric of America. Tell them about the father of our country, Abdul Abdul Muhammed Washington, as well as Abduliham Lincoln Muhammed, who freed the slaves. 

Now, those bigoted, cowardly Republicans want to keep Syrian women and their children out of the country. What do they have against refugees who just want a better life???

You can also remind your relatives that Obamacare is working exactly as it's supposed to! There are many ways that my presidency has improved this country. My people will keep sending you our exciting e-mails, so stay near you inbox!

As for me, I am thankful for low-information voters and weak-kneed, establishment Republicans in Congress. I'm also thankful for my most dedicated supporters....the mainstream press.

I'm thankful for race-baiting allies like Al Sharpton, and for morally-defective Democrat supporters in Hollywood. Gobble, gobble.

Alluhu Akbar....

President Barack Hussein Obama


Monday, November 23, 2015

Red Foreman: Those Troublemakers At Mizzou Need A Foot To The Ass

We here at The RedSquirrel Report have asked one of our correspondents to comment on the recent news at The University of Missouri, so we welcome Red Foreman back to RSR, who sends us this commentary:

Gee, thanks 'Squirrel.

 I'm still trying to get my mind around the insanity being perpetrated by these petulant, snot-nosed brats at the University of Missouri. So, someone CLAIMED that they saw a swastika made of POOP, so they demanded that some white University President guy step down. In the 90's, if someone made a swastika made of poop, that person would have gotten a grant from The National Endowment for the Arts. 

It looks like the Black students are crying about everything that's happened in America since the country began, and the football team has demanded that the White head coach resign. I'll bet that Creep George Soros is behind this, but I never knew he cared much about college football.

Then, the dumb-asses on campus wants to do away with college exams. These are probably the same scholars who never take notes in class, or even attend classes for that matter. When my son Eric got bad grades, I grounded him and told him to buckle down. I never thought about marching down to the school, and demand that his principal be fired.

I think what these protesting brats need is a swift foot up their ass.

How is it even POSSIBLE that these runny-nosed, little creeps at the University of Missouri not be expelled from this college? Things are going to Hell fast. First, there was that insipid weirdo Pajama Boy, now THIS.

We've had decades of political correctness, and we also have someone in The White House who believes that he can do whatever he damn well pleases without any opposition. Now, these kids are copying their leftist hero, and they know that the school administrators are cowards. 

Colleges aren't teaching anything really useful anymore. Instead, they're churning out little commies and community organizers.

Instead of giving in to these troublemakers, The University of Missouri should have kicked their sorry asses out.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Dr. Ben Carson And Barack Obama. A Side-By-Side Comparison

In the wake of POLITICO's hit piece on Black presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, where they said that he admitted he lied about getting a scholarship to West Point, your bushy-tailed
correspondent thought about the msm's treatment of Carson, and their shameless cheer-leading for Barack Obama in 2008 and 2012.

I thought it could be interesting to do a little side-by-side compare and contrast of Republican Dr. Ben Carson and Marxist criminal Barack Obama:

Dr. Ben Carson graduated from The University of Michigan Medical School. Barack Obama refuses to release his college transcripts.

Dr. Ben Carson is one of the finest pediatric neurosurgeons in the world. Barack Obama uses a rhetorical butcher knife to carve the country up along racial lines.

Dr. Ben Carson believes that law-abiding Americans should be allowed to arm themselves. Barack Obama is trying to disarm law-abiding citizens. He has also sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers in Operation Fast And Furious.

Dr. Ben Carson is a devout Seventh-day Adventist Christian. Barack Obama insults Christians constantly.

Dr. Ben Carson admits that he has done bad things when he was a young man before turning his life around. Barack Obama is currently destroying America. 

Dr. Ben Carson works hard. Barack Obama punishes hard work, and says 'You didn't build that' to hard-working entrepreneurs.

To the msm, Dr. Ben Carson is a Black Conservative Republican, and must be destroyed because he is leading in some presidential polls just like Herman Cain in 2012. Barack Obama is a leftist messiah, so they worship him.

Someone should stick it right back in the msm's face, and write an expose' on those racists at POLITICO.

Monday, November 16, 2015

More Questions I'd Ask The Democrat Presidential Candidates

Last Saturday, there was a Democrat Presidential debate. I didn't see it, but there are a few questions I would ask if I were the moderator:

In the wake of the horrific ISIS attacks in Paris last Friday night, do the candidates STILL believe that climate change is America's greatest national security threat?

Also, we have learned that the terrorists in Paris lined up their unarmed victims, and murdered them. Do you still believe in disarming law-abiding American citizens?

Also, we are learning that at least one of these attackers was one of those 'Syrian refugees' we keep hearing about in the news What is your position on allowing thousands of these 'refugees' into our country?

I Understand There Was A Democrat Presidential Debate Last Saturday

Your bushy-tailed correspondent understands that there was a Democrat presidential debate last Saturday. I didn't watch it, so I am asking ANY NORMAL AMERICAN who may have watched it just what the candidates said.

The Democrats scheduled their debate on a Saturday night. hoping that NO ONE will see what these candidates have to say about what their plans are for this country. This debate was for their most radicalized base voters and activists.

The DNC will schedule a few debates to fulfill an obligation that there will be debates, before Hillary Clinton's eventual coronation.

Meanwhile. there were horrific ISIS attacks all over Paris on Friday night. At one site in a concert venue, the murderers lined up their unarmed victims and shot them dead. There were bombs at a soccer stadium, and innocent people just trying to enjoy themselves were murdered by these goat-screwing, inbred, Satan-worshipping douches.

Did the Democrat candidates even mention these attacks? I understand that Socialist Democrat Bernie Sanders said that climate change is STILL our number one national security threat. Really? How is it possible to live as long as Bernie Sanders has and still not learn ANYTHING about how the real world works?

He STILL believes in socialism, and man-made climate change. Well, God bless his little heart. The fact that thousands attend his rallies probably proves that we have not yet won the War On Drugs.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

And Now, The Barack Obama Weather Forecast

The current temperature is a Hellish 65 degrees in Minneapolis. Tonight, millions of people will die a terrible death due to global warming, as the temperature free falls to 58 degrees.

Our planet will continue it's downward death spiral to Hell due to global climate change, as the temperature will reach an infernal day temperature of (gasp!).....48 degrees!!!

All the bald eagles will die on Saturday as the day temp reaches a nightmarish 46 degrees. Eagles can't sweat, so their heads will overheat and explode due to these high temperatures.

Because of America's dependence on fossil fuels, day temperatures early next week will fluctuate wildly between 55 and 57 degrees. Please, if you have any elderly neighbors, check in on them.

Once again, Dear Leader will experience much difficulty lowering the sea levels. And that is your Barack Obama weather forecast. Back to you, Steve and Carol.....