Thursday, January 30, 2014

Sister Mary Knuckles Review Of The 56th Annual Grammy Awards

The 56th Annual Grammy Awards were on Sunday night, and so we asked our Faith and Religion Correspondent to review the program:

God Bless, you snickering little rodent.

I didn't even watch the 56th Annual Grammy Awards. I had Sister Beatrice tape the show for me. Needless to say, after viewing this pornographic, satanic pile of donkey crap, I decided to call Father McDonald to perform an exorcism on my television.

During one of the music productions, they performed a mass same-sex wedding ceremony for all the sodomite pervs in the audience. I would have liked to seen that out-of-control hoodlum Justin Beiber throw eggs at these satanic, kinky weirdos.

Then, they brought out those no-talent hacks Jay-Z and the missus, Beyonce'. She gyrated her ass for all the Sir-Mix-A-Lot wannabees in the audience. There was plenty of lascivious bumping and grinding throughout the program. I'll bet that half of the audience will probably have unmarried sex after the show, and want their abortions payed for by the taxpayer. 

Get your hands on you desk, so I can smack 'em good and bloody!

Then, young miss Katy Perry was burned at the stake. It was the highlight of the program. I'll bet her Pentecostal preacher father is proud of this out-of-control demon child.  

Madonna looked like the man on the Quaker Oats box. What was that? Product placement? I didn't know she converted to Quakerism. Maybe soon she'll stop defiling the name of the mother of our lord.

God Bless.

Somewhere, Melissa Harris-Perry Is Still Apologizing

Melissa Harris-Perry was forced to apologize for making fun of Mitt Romney and his adopted black grandchild on her MSNBC program. We at The RedSquirrel Report asked Ms. Harris-Perry if we could follow her around for a few days.

Welcome to the world of Melissa Harris-Perry.

It appears that Ms. Harris-Perry is constantly apologizing for one thing or another. As our correspondent spoke to her at a Manhattan cafe, one of her fans stopped by the table and told her to stop making liberals look stupid.

"Why the heck did you wear those tampons on your ears? What the hell is wrong wit' you?"

The MSNBC host looked up, and apologized profusely to the woman.

Then, our correspondent and Ms. Harris-Perry visited the elementary school she attended. The Principal recognized her:

Melissa Harris-Perry! I saw your show where you said that 'all your childrens belongs to us. What the hell is wrong wit' you! America is NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THEIR CHILDRENS BELONGZ TO US! YOU'RE BLOWING OUR COVER!'

The MSNBC host apologized to her former principal.

She spends very little time on show prep, and a lot of time answering angry viewer mail. She sends a standard apology form letter to many angry viewers. She also apologizes for the hateful, obnoxious things that MSNBC's race-baiting contributors Michael Eric Dyson and Al Sharpton say.

I asked her about Martin Bashir's on-air statement where he suggested that someone ought to defecate into Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's mouth.

"Martin Bashir? Don't even get me started on Martin Bashir," she said as tears welled in her eyes.

Welcome to the world of Melissa Harris-Perry.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Captain And Tennille: Obamacare Won't Keep Us Together

Did you hear the news that The Captain And Tennille are getting a divorce, and that Obamacare may be to blame? It appears that married couples from around the country are divorcing because 'The Affordable Care Act' is punitive to married couples and their financial well-being.

So far, Obama has closed Main Street in Disneyland, Mount Rushmore, The World War 2 Memorial, and now he's breaking up The Captain and Tennille. My God, He's worse than Yoko Ono.

Of course, I have to write a song parody. Kick it, Muskrat Love Singers:

The Captain and Tennille
had a health care plan
They could visit their doctor
anytime they can

make an appointment
And afford any ointment 

Captain Darryl
His wife Toni
Could see their doctor
remove a kidney stone-y

Before they were hassled
Their health plan it was cancelled

Now they're divorcing because they can't afford it
They wish that they could just ignore it
Democrats make us want to tear out our hair
Damn you, Obamacare

Now they're divorcing because they can't afford it
They wish that they could just ignore it
We're losing our plan and it just isn't fair
We hate Obamacare


Monday, January 27, 2014

We Preview The Obama 2014 State Of The Dictatorship Address

Thank you......thanks......thank you.....Don't faint, Nancy....

My fellow Americans.

Mr. Speaker, Vice-President Biden, friends.....My fellow Americans..... The state of the union is strong because of me, and everything stinks....because of George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, and the extremist House of Representatives. (The Democrats 'boo' loudly)

I really believe that. If I believe it, it cannot be a lie.

This country has many challenges. The Republicans in Congress who stand in my way, mean-spirited voices like Rush Limbaugh, and also that pesky document called The Constitution. Damn that Constitution! (The Democrats stand and 'boo' loudly)

There is good news. My critic Dinesh D'Souza has been indicted,  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is being investigated, and soon, CONSERVATIVES WILL HAVE TO REGISTER THEIR BLOGS! (The Democrats stand and cheer loudly).

Before I continue, I would like to introduce a few special guests seated with The First Lady. First, I would like you to give it up for Wilma Rotunda of Washington DC. She has successfully signed up with my Obamacare website, 


Seated to Michelle's right is Angel Muguel De La Cruz Gonzalez, one of our Obamacare navigators! He's new to the country, and he's just an illegal alien with a dream! (The Democrats stand and cheer).

As I was lying on the beach in Hawaii during our last family vacay, I was thinking about all the poor, unfortunate little people who are having their health plans cancelled....Whoops! I meant 'TRANSITIONED.' I am so glad that my family and those in Congress have an exemption. Soon, millions of new illegal alien Democrat voters will have all their health care payed for.  Of that, we can all be proud! (The Democrats stand and cheer loudly).

Yet, there is a creeping 'income inequality' that we must fight, and some Americans are still unemployed. That is why I will be proposing a New Obama Jobs Plan. We will be hiring 1,000,000 neighborhood snitches throughout America who will report back to me. We will also be hiring thousands of hard-working Americans who we will need to bury the schmucks killed by Obamacare. (The Democrats stand and cheer loudly).

We will also be renovating a few things. We will be hiring 10,000 workers who will demolish The Statue of Liberty, and replace it with The Statue of Julia.

We will also demolish The Washington Monument, and in it's place build The Great Sphinx of King Barack! (The Democrats stand and cheer wildly).

In closing, I am supremely confident that no matter what I do to this country, these spineless Republicans will do NOTHING TO STOP ME! JUST WATCH! I hereby confess to an amazing array of crimes committed against the American People. I stole a Connecticut man's Social Security number and falsified all my records. I've committed treason many times. I've sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers and f-16's to Muslim terrorists. I directed The IRS to harass my opponents, and gave aid and support to our enemies! In fact, I STOLE THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!


That's my time. I'm outta here!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Good News, Governor Cuomo. You Got Your Wish.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has told the conservatives residing in the state that they should just leave. This maniacal bigot has given me an idea for a movie. Here's my synopsis:

It Was A Wonderful State

A crooked, leftist governor holds a press conference and tells the conservatives residing in New York that the state belongs to the progressives, and that they just should leave.

An angel visits the governor, (I think that Sean Hannity would be ideal in this role) and grants him his wish.

Overnight, a large portion of New York's residents disappear, and the state turns into a dark, dreary place like Detroit. Crime skyrockets. There are no checks or balances to complete liberal rule. The entrepreneurs are gone, as well as most of the police officers and the firefighters.

The churches have also disappeared, as well as those who engage in private works of charity.

Finally, the angel tells the governor that he has been given a great gift. A chance to see what the state would be like if there were no conservatives around to keep it from destroying itself.

Being a mean-spirited liberal and immune to common sense, Cuomo never understands or sees the folly of his insane wish. What matters most to him is his personal lust for power.

The state loses it's private sector. It becomes another Democrat basket base.

The End.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

For You Keeping Score At Home

Benghazi, Fast And Furious, The IRS targeting The Tea Party, The NSA, selling arms to our enemies, corruption in the Attorney General's office,, Solyndra, ignoring Congress, ignoring The Constitution, election fraud, and harassing Gibson Guitars are phony scandals....

....Bridgegate is a major scandal.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Exclusive: Our I-Team Investigates The Light Bulb Black Market

On Jan 1, the incandescent light bulb became illegal. Thousands of Americans purchased large quantities of the classic light bulbs for the final time on December 31.

Congress, always knowing what's best for us, made light bulbs illegal a few years back because they were led to believe that the newer, mercury-filled pig-tailed florescent light bulbs were better for the environment.

The RedSquirrel Report I-Team has discovered a dark, dangerous underbelly in this important story, as criminals have begun selling the illegal incandescent light bulbs on the black market.

Meet 'Elliot'. He works in The F.B.I. Illegal Illumination Division. His job is to uphold this new law. He explains:

Last week we raided a hideout where some criminals were hoarding about 4,000 of the offending light bulbs. We threw the criminals against the wall, and opened about 40 crates, using pick-axes, then we threw the light bulbs to the floor, smashing them.

I sure hope the government doesn't make the new pig-tailed bulbs illegal. Those things are filled with mercury.

I'm glad that The Mafia is staying out of this. We have all we can handle with them dealing in drugs and prostitution. Light bulbs are bad news.

Our reporter also ran into to an 'illegal dealer' wearing an over-sized coat. We named him 'Rodney' to protect his identity:

(Opening his coat, showing a potential buyer his light bulbs) Pssst. Hey, Wanna buy a light bulb? Only $15 a bulb. I got yer light bulbs. 150-watt, 100-watt, 60-watt. You want it....I got it.

Yeah, when Congress created this black market, they also created a whole bunch of unintended consequences. I think a guy can get rich doing this.   

Stay tuned, as The RedSquirrel Report stays on top of this important story.

GLAAD VP: Christians Should Stay In The Closet

Liberal fascists are on the warpath, as A&E had suspended Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, a grade school suspended a 7-year-old child for 'sexual harassment', and King Barack has suspended The Constitution.

Mr. Robertson was suspended by A&E following his statements in a GQ article concerning homosexuality, which he called a sin.

After getting an earful from the fans of Duck Dynasty and proponents of free speech, The A&E Channel saw the folly of suspending the popular Duck Dynasty patriarch, and reversed their decision. This outraged the always-tolerant gang at GLAAD.

The RedSquirrel Report believes in sharing ALL points of view, so we invited Gavin Barris, Vice President of the New York Chapter of GLAAD to SHARE his FEELINGS concerning the re-instatement of Mr. Robertson. Take it away:

First of all, I am absolutely OUTRAGED that The A&E Channel re-instated that homophobe Phil Robertson. That inbred hick has insulted the gay community with his statements. I am hotter than a flaming pink peacock. 

How DARE that......CHRISTIAN show his face in public? He has a right to exercise his religious beliefs, just not in the public square. It says that right in the First Amendment.

We have taken over the universities and public education. How it is even possible for bitter-clingin' bigots like Mr. Robertson even be allowed to have his own television show? This is INTOLERABLE!

Speaking of tolerance, I am so glaad that the Muslims are on our side of this important issue.

Thank you.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

AG Holder Picks Bosserman To Investigate The IRS. In Other News....

Obama donor Barbara Bosserman has been picked by Attorney General Eric Holder to investigate the brewing IRS 'scandal', involving The Obama Regime and his political opponents. Obama's critics are questioning this move, for it smacks of conflict of interest, but Holder's defenders say there is no such conflict. Oh wait, this just in:

Colonel Sanders has just been chosen by Eric Holder to investigate the mistreatment of chickens The RedSquirrel Report has just learned that the take-out food mogul will form a task force and investigate the violation of their civil rights.

Hold on! Stop the presses! Now your bushy-tailed correspondent has learned that former President Bill Clinton has been picked to head the new Sexual Harassment division of the Justice Department.

Oh, now I'm just getting this: Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has JUST been picked to head the all-important investigation into what happened in Benghazi.

We at The RedSquirrel Report are happy to report that The Obama Regime is cleaning up all of the corruption in Washington.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Our Correspondent Reports From Antarctica

The crew of the ship MV Akademik Shokalskiy set a course to Antarctica to show the world the crippling effects of man-made global warming, but instead got itself stuck in thick ice. The 'climate research' expedition, led by professor of climate change Chris Turney from The University of New South Wales in Australia, had been stuck since Christmas Eve.

The RedSquirrel Report sent our correspondent to the bottom of the world, and he files this report:

Thanks, 'Squirrel. Wow, it's cold here! I wish you were'd be freezing yer nuts off.

So, these hysterical 'global warming' alarmists wanted to show the world the devastating effects of man-made 'global warming', and now they got their freezing tit in a ringer. As Alanis Morrissette would say, 'Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?'

The leftist media tools refuse to tell the people the purpose of this expedition was to show the world the devastating effects of  'global warming.' They wanted to show the world a lonely polar bear floating away on a tiny plate of ice, instead they got quite a surprise.

There has been repeated attempts to rescue this ship, but everybody keeps getting stuck in all this damn ice.

I have one more thing to say to these global warming hacks before my helicopter takes me back....

Monday, January 6, 2014

Correspondent Yakov Smirnoff At The DeBlasio Inauguration

Last week, New York City swore in it's first Communist Mayor, Bill DeBlasio. The RedSquirrel Report sent our new correspondent, Yakov Smirnoff, to cover this joyous event. Take it away, Yakov:

Wow, thank you, RedSquirrel. heh, heh, heh....New York! WHAT A CITY!

The City that never sleeps swore in it's first Communist Mayor. I guess new mayor DeBlasio was looking for an impeached, disbarred official to administer his oath, and he got his wish, as impeached former President Bill Clinton swore him in.

Mayor DeBlasio's first priority is to do away with horse-drawn carriages. Finally, a leader who has his priorities straight! Heh, heh, heh....

If I had to boil down DeBlasio's public safety agenda, he wants to make EVERYTHING ILLEGAL, but the police better not try to arrest you. He wants to do away with 'Stop and Frisk,' although I understand he'll taser you if you're caught trying to escape New York's oppressive taxes.

I feel safer already!

He and Comrade Obama are friends, so if you can't find a party---Don't worry. The party (AND THE NSA) will find you. Heh, heh, heh....

It appears that DeBlasio will continue Nanny Bloomberg's ban on large drinks, fast cars, salt, fatty foods, ect. That's O.K., cause with this Communist Mayor in charge, nobody will be able to afford a large drink, fatty foods, or a fast car. Heh, heh, heh...What a CITY!

New Mayor DeBlasio wants to do away with 'income inequality.' That's great news for all you 'Pajama Boys' out there. As for you hard-working entrepreneurs and merchants....tough toenails.

I wonder if attacking 'income inequality' also applies to rich city government apparatchiks and public employee unionistas who make twice as much as the private sector workers who pay their salaries?

As for me, I'm thinking about moving to a place of relative freedom. I wonder if Mother Russia will let be come back.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The RedSquirrel's New Year Resolution For 2014

Your bushy-tailed correspondent resolves to anger, annoy, ridicule, foil, lambaste, and drive leftist busybodies and weirdos crazy in 2014. To normal Americans, I say this:

Remain cheerful as we keep fighting. If we do this, we shall reach our crush our enemies, to drive them out of power, and hear the lamentation of The Regime's mainstream news media, as well as sissified, dependent pajama boys everywhere.

As we do battle with the Kenyan despot in The White House and his leftist minions, I shall keep reminding myself that The Tree of Liberty is re-nourished with the tears of progressives and powermad jack-asses. (Thank you, @exjon from Twitter)

Obamacare must be rejected, and it's supporters must be removed from power. The people must increase our majority in The House, and create a new, pro-freedom majority in The Senate. Then, we must put an end to The Obama Regime.

My friends, this is my New Year's resolution. God Bless.