Tuesday, January 27, 2015

And Now, A Message From Our 6-Year-Old President

I am filming this anti-oil drilling propaganda video aboard Air Force One....

....because Air Force One runs on unicorn farts.

Was The Matrix A Conservative Film?

Fifteen years ago, The Matrix opened in movie theaters. In this futuristic Y2K thrillride, machines use human bodies for energy while keeping them in a brainwashed, stupefied state called 'The Matrix.'

A character named Morpheus offers the main protagonist, played by Keannu Reeves, a choice. Take the blue pill, and stay stupid, or take a red pill, and open your eyes to how the world really is.

I wonder if the writer meant this as a metaphor for politics. Take the blue pill, and remain a slave to the Democrat plantation, where you are used to keep liberals in power. You remain dependent and dumbed-down, like the low information voter.

You believe whatever the mainstream media and brain washers in public education tells you to believe. You're not even aware that you have been conditioned by political correctness. Your government overlords tell you it's good to share, so you believe that income redistribution is the proper function of government.

You vote for Barack Obama, because you want to make history by voting for America's first Black president. You're not even slightly concerned about his background, or care that his closest allies are Communists and domestic terrorists.

You don't even know that his records are sealed. He promises the most transparent administration in history, and you trust him with all of your private information as you eagerly sign up for Obamacare.

If you take the red pill, you may have to actually THINK AND DO FOR YOURSELF. If you want something, you may actually have to WORK TO GET IT.

You find yourself being annoyed by unhinged control freaks, as they demand taxpayers fund everything they desire, while trying to ban everything they don't like.

You open your eyes, and learn that Obamacare is the most horrendous example of consumer fraud in human history, as it violates your freedom. You search your memory, and remember Obama reassuring the American people that 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.'

You realize that he was lying. Millions of health plans have been cancelled, and millions of full-time jobs have disintegrated. You want to warn your bamboozled neighbors, as Obama, his bureaucrats, and his czars lie and cheat with such speed, it almost seems as if they exist in 'bullet time.'

It's almost impossible to keep track of all the lies. You see Obama's blitzkrieg of lies and crimes against the American people coming, and skillfully dodge the insanity as they whiz past your head.

You escape from the stupidity of the government school, and learn about American Exceptionalism as well as our religious heritage. Escape from the leftist brainwashers, and you realize that freedom is worth fighting for.

If we do this, the good guys win in the end.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The RSR State Of The Union Viewer Poll

Our pollster, Harold, asked 25 people to react to President Obama's State of the Union Speech.

25% said that it was a good to very good speech.

20% said that it was more of the same from Obama and had a negative reaction to the speech.

55% told Harold to 'hold their hair.'

The White House Groundskeeper Was Busy Today

Last night, President Obama held his 6th State of The Union Address.

Following the speech, White House groundskeeper William McCloud dried it out and fertilized the White House lawn.

0bama's 2015 State Of The Dictatorship Address

The RSR has obtained a preview of President Obama's State of The Union Address. Here are a few excerpts:

(Democrats cheering wildly) Thank you.......thanks.........Thank you.....I think that Nancy Pelosi just fainted....Does anybody have water?.........Is there a doctor in the house?.....Thank you.

I am SO PROUD that because of ME the State of the Union is STRONG! (The Democrats cheer wildly, while the Republicans laugh).

According to my teleprompter, more Americans have found good jobs, more Americans are going to college, and a...a....a....(The Democrats begin cheering, stepping on this line of the speech)....

I GOT THE TERRORISTS ON THE RUN! (The Democrats look at each other in silence, then begin cheering, while The Republicans laugh).

At the same time, things are terrible because of my opponents are standing in the way of my progressive dream. There are those who are against a good college education, which is why I am proposing free money for anybody who wants a FREE education at a community college. 

If you want to take a remedial reading class, why should you be stopped? Tell ME! (The Democrats 'boo!' The Republicans).

I am willing to work with the Republican Congress. By the way, I've already vetoed everything that the new Congress hasn't even passed yet. (The Democrats Applaud).

As you know, my wife Michelle's 'healthy school lunches' have been an incredible success. We've smashed childhood obesity by offering rabbit food, which the kids declined to eat. Soon, the kids will be as thin and trim as a Kenyan marathoner! (The Democrats cheer).

As you know, I led the raid that killed Osama bin Laden! (The Democrats stand and cheer, the Republicans shake their heads). While all the other world leaders were in Paris for that Unity March, I was practicing my putting. Why?....

....because terrorism doesn't exist anymore. I ENDED IT! (The Democrats cheer deliriously, while the Republicans shake their heads).

Tonight, I propose that we will make those privileged rich people pay for exciting new OBAMA JOBS. (The Democrats applaud loudly) For instance, we will need neighborhood snitches to keep my critics in line. We will be offering money for children who hear their parents or family members say anything untrue about ME.

We are busy purging our military of those who won't swear allegiance to ME, and replace them with the wave of 'new Democrats' from south of our border. I'm also toying with the idea of replacing the Secret Service with The Black Panthers. That was Sharpton's idea.

My trusted adviser Valerie Jarret tells me that my ' national civilian security force' has almost completed their training, but we will need a few billion more.

All of these new proposals will pay for themselves, and not add ONE DIME to the national debt! (Everyone in the chamber laughs) But, there is a problem we must deal with. Last November, two-thirds of The American People stayed home on Election Day, and let my opponents take over The Senate. 

Since The Republicans took over Congress, race relations have suffered, the middle class has suffered, The Affordable Care Act has been threatened, the air and water has gotten dirtier, and immigrant familes have been broken up, threatening the very fabric of our 'fundementally-transformed' nation. My opponents will damage my dream if you don't get on your Obama phone, and MELT THE CAPITOL SWITCHBOARD!

Oh yeah, and politics has gotten dirtier AND THEY HAVE DAMAGED THE CIVILITY IN OUR DISCOURSE!



That's my time! Allahu Akbar!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

God Answered Our Prayers

There is an ongoing debate between people of faith and Atheists. We all know Bible stories, and many appear to be pretty wild and downright improbable.

We've heard or read the story of David, who killed the giant Philistine Goliath with just a slingshot and a stone.

Many of us know the incredible story of Noah and his ark. God told the old man to build it to protect him and his family from a massive flood. Our heavenly father told him to take two of EVERY animal species onto the ark because he planned to drown everything and everybody else.

Then, there's the greatest story ever told. A young girl named Mary gives birth to the savior of the world, who performed miracles, healed the sick, died on a cross, then was resurrected after three days.

It's pretty normal to wonder if these stories actually happened as they were written. Everybody has differing levels of faith, and people will argue about how we got here and where we are going after we die.

Two weeks ago, I believe that millions of people beheld a miracle when Former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was attacked by an exercise treadmill. I am certain that millions of Americans who were victimized by Dingy Harry were praying to God to send Harry a sign from above.

The harm that the former Senate Majority Leader has done to this country is so vast that only God could ever sort it out. I am sure that millions of praying Americans all wanted the same thing, and God answered their prayers.

Jesus teaches that we are to pray for our enemies.Wouldn't it be great if God had also knocked some sense (or common decency) into Harry in the process?

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Hey You Two...Get A Room

Last week, Speaker John Boehner was re-elected House Speaker by a slender majority. Some conservatives mounted a challenge to our weepy leader, but came up just short.

There was considerable anti-Boehner sentiment from rank-and-file conservatives on Twitter, after The Speaker fully-funded Amnesty and Obamacare.

Following the vote, Speaker Boehner got some revenge on those who opposed him, removing several rebellious members from committee leadership positions. Then, Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave Speaker Boehner a passionate smooch.

He returned the favor, kissing her on the neck. She brought her right leg up, pulling The Speaker close to her.

According to some who were there, Pelosi said something about 'a big gavel'. Several members of The Republican caucus saw Boehner and Pelosi carrying on, and told the frisky duo to 'get a room.'

Monday, January 12, 2015

Top 10 Excuses Why Obama Didn't Attend The Paris Unity Rally

Over 40 world leaders joined 3.7 million Parisians for the big peace rally yesterday, but our Dear Leader couldn't make it. Here are his top 10 excuses why he couldn't attend:

10. Our Narcissist-in-Chief couldn't make it all about HIM.
  9. 0bama isn't a world leader.
  8. He was trapped under a 5-lb barbell.
  7. He was busy practicing his putting.
  6. Nobody told him there was a rally.
  5. His boss Valerie Jarrett told him not to go.
  4. He thought that he had used up his frequent-flier miles.
  3. He didn't want to anger all his Muslim brothers.
  2. He was hard at work ruining America.
  1. There might have been something good on ESPN

Thanks to @HollyRFisher for number 8. I thought it was funny.

More Former Co-stars Come To Bill Cosby's Defense

So far, over 20 women have recently accused TV and comedy icon Bill Cosby of raping them. These allegations have seemingly come from out of nowhere, devastating his squeaky-clean image.

He was everybody's favorite TV Dad on the 1980's top-rated The Cosby Show, portraying psychiatrist Cliff Huxtable. He and his TV wife, Dr. Claire Huxtable, were upwardly mobile, funny, and always able to say just the right things to their loving, incredibly well-adjusted kids.

Some of his accusers are models and actresses who accuse the TV powerhouse of taking advantage of them. They allege that he drugged them before committing these terrible acts.

Last week, Cosby's former TV wife Phylicia Rashad defended him against these allegations. We at RSR decided to go further back into his past, and we spoke to his co-stars from an even earlier TV program.

Meet Albert. He said this about his friend, Bill Cosby:

"Hey, hey, hey, I wonder who's gonna accuse Cosby today.''

Next, we asked another former Cosby associate, who had this to say about his friend:

''Iba don't inderstandaba whatchaba goin' on......''

The RedSquirrel Report will stay on top of this on-going story.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Burgermeister Meister Berger Was Just A Fat Liberal

During my Christmas break, I checked out lots of Christmas classic video clips off of YouTube. There was Claymation Christmas, Christmas Story featuring little Ralphie, Rudolph and his pal Hermey, and The Grinch.

I also watched a clip from Rankin Bass' Santa Claus Is Coming To Town where the maladjusted, toy-hating Burgermeister Meister Berger sang his number There Will Be No More Toy Makers To The King.

The Burgermeister sounds a lot like one of those joy-hating, unhinged liberal control freaks who are ALWAYS  trying to ban something, be it fatty foods, cigarettes, or water hoses.I bet he would fit right in The Obama Regime:

It's a difficult responsibility
that you accept the number one control freak, Me!
The 0bama regime will tell you how it will be
'There will be no more freedom', says the man-child king

I will take your school lunch
Fatty foods and Hawaiian Punch
All guns will be confiscated
And NO! I don't want to debate it
I will regulate your Internet
Arrest you and your garden hose
Outlaw water and low-mileage cars  
Send The IRS after my foes!

It's a difficult responsibility
that you accept the number one control freak, Me!
The 0bama regime will tell you how it will be
I don't want to hear you speak of Liberty!

All my college transcripts will be sealed
My wounded Election Night pride will be healed
Smart schoolchildren? We'll RETARD them!
They hate the lunches? We'll STARVE them!
No more talk radio with their yakety-yak
or Koch Brothers in 3-piece suits
or they will feel my boot!

It's a difficult responsibility
That you obey the number one control freak, Me!
Obamacare will be mandatory! 

All opposition will be declared racist, hateful, tea-baggin', right-wing....


anybody caught uttering pro-Constitutional rhetoric will be THROWN 

There will be no more free speech says the man-child king!