Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The President's Memorial Day Plans

Our source inside The Obama White House gave us this from The President's day planner:

 9:30 a.m. Order DC Park Police to set up barrycades all round Arlington National Cemetery. Replace all American flags with these:

10:00 a.m. Speech in the White House Rose Garden, where he will blame The V.A. Scandal on George W. Bush. Make Memorial Day about The Messiah Obama.

2:30 p.m. Take a selfie in front of The Tomb of The Unknown Soldier.

4:00 p.m. Work on those Obamacare death panels.

4:20 p.m. Work on those Other death panels. a.k.a. 'V.A. special lists.'

5:00 p.m. Purge some more generals for refusing to fire upon American citizens.

7:00 p.m. Unleash some more violent illegal aliens criminals upon the streets of America. Get them registered to vote.

8:00 p.m. Meet with lawyers. Disenfranchise our military voters serving overseas.

9:00 p.m. fundraiser.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Angry Young Man

It looks like President Obama has just found out there are serious problems with The Veterans Administration, and he's angry about it. Is it just me, or does it appear that Mr. Obama has just discovered that he's The President of The United States?

It seems like The Messiah is always angry when the government fails The American People, and yet he accepts absolutely no responsibility for anything. He reminds me of that Billy Joel song, The Angry Young Man:

In The Rose Garden stands the angry young man
With his disastrous programs and his radical plans
He refuses to meet or even compromise
He's destroying the country with all of his lies
With his nose in the air he looks so proud
He is insufferably cocky obnoxious and loud
and yet he's such an angry young man

Now it's a V.A. scandal that angers the angry young man
His low-info voters have their heads in the sand
His racist critics are mean to him and being unfair
They're all on his case over Obamacare
It's the previous administration that's always to blame
He knows nothing and all his denials are lame
The news media swoons over the angry young man

Most of us grow up and stop blaming others
And we learn that acting like a petulant brat isn't right
Others still believe, the ends justifies the means
It's seems as if he does everything out of spite

It's off to the golf course for the angry young man
or two weeks in Hawaii to work on his tan
He refuses to bend, he refuses to break
We all know all his cronys are on the take
Now he's so proud of stimulus and Common Core
and he wonders why The Republicans won't cave in some more
Obama is the angry young man

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Al Sharpton: Limbaugh Cheated To Win Book Award

Something happened last week that has the kids at MSNBC quite alarmed. It has nothing to do with Benghazi or Fast and Furious....

Last week, talk radio superstar and author Rush Limbaugh accepted The 2014 Children's Choice Book award for his popular book Rush Revere And The Brave Pilgrims: Time Travel Adventures With Exceptional Americans.

MSNBC host Al Sharpton believes that Limbaugh won the book award through voter fraud. He explains:

Dear RedSquirrel Report readers,

As an expert in voter fraud, I am sure that Rush Limbow did not win that children's book award fairly. I bet he registered lotsa dead children, and he munch have also rigged the voter machines.

How munch voter fraud? Everybody knows that that racist kracka hates kids. It is simply impossible that Rush Limbow could win an award because only liberals win awards.

Limbow munch have disenfranchised the REAL voters, just like President Obama disenfranchised the military voters serving overseas. I'll bet Rush hired an army of lawyers to stack the deck against anyone else winning this award.

I'll bet he had some stuffed ballot boxes in his car, and that his ditto-heads voted more than once.

I demand a re-count.

Liberal Weasel Brett Hulsey Weighs In

Among the candidates trying to unseat Governor Scott Walker in The Badger State is a real weasel, Brett Hulsey. The Democrat got in the news by fashioning white hoods that he planned to hand out to racist Republican legislators. Then, he thought real hard, and concluded that maybe it wasn't such a great idea.

Instead, this agitprop artiste donned a grey confederate general's coat to make his point that Republicans are racists.

Hopefully the grown-ups in Wisconsin will tell his childish douche to go back to the kid's table, while the grown-ups are discussing the issues.

We have learned that these weren't the only insulting gimmicks that Hulsey had in store for the grown-ups in Wisconsin.  Here to explain is the candidate himself: 

Hey there, RedSquirrel Report readers,

I am amazed that these Republicans can get so exercised over me putting on the confederate coat. You don't even want to know what I WAS planning. Knowing what I know now, I'm glad I didn't go with teh Nazi guard uniform.

I almost went with the black face and chains concept. Again, I'm glad I didn't go through with it. I wonder if anyone is making Donald Sterling masks. That might be fun.

Sometime before Primary Day, I am planning to put on a hoodie in remembrance of Trayvon Martin.

What do we want? End the 'gun show loophole!' When do we want it? NOW!!!

If I am elected Governor, I am toying with the idea of doing all the state's business while wearing a track suit and geri curl wig. It's time to stop the racist Republicans in Madison.

Maybe it's time for us Wisconsin Democrat Legislators to flee the state.....again. That will show that tea-bagger Scott Walker and his racist friends.

I am Brett Hulsey, and I need your vote.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ralph Wiggum: I Like Common Core

We here The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to both sides in the Common Core debate, so we have invited a student from the Springfield School District to tell us about the benefits of the new Common Core education standards.

We've cleaned up the spelling:

Thank you, Mr. Squirrel,

My name is Ralph. I go to elementary school here in Springfield. Our Supernintendo Chalmers says hello to your readers.

I've heard some scary lies about Common Core, like they are trying to brainwash and indoctrimate us. That's unpossible. Common Core has already improved my English.

That's just those racist meanies who didn't vote for the Messiah, Barack Hussein Obama talking.

Barack Hussein Obama....Mmmm....mmmm....mmmm....

Also, the new math standards are easily applied to real life. Example: If I had 10 crayons, and ate half of them, how many crayons did I munch?

Does anyone have a pencil sharpener? I'm still working on that one. I also have a tummy ache.

I heard about a scary man in New Hampshire who was arrested at that school board meeting last week because he kept speaking out of turn. He seems angry with the government. My teacher says people like him own guns.

I hope the government keeps an eye on him. He looks like a troublemaker.

Common Core is great because the government takes great interest in my parent's political affiliation, how much my Dad makes, and how many guns he has.

It's nice to know the government cares.

Ralph Wiggum

Monday, May 12, 2014

The RedSquirrel Confesses: I Am A Racist

The Racist Monster Donald Sterling
322 years after The Salem Witch Trials, America is in the midst of another witch hunt almost as crazy.

Almost every day now, A hysterical group or an MSNBC host charges someone with racism. A few weeks ago, embattled Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy was accused. Then, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling (pictured) was exposed, and now, they have taken his professional basketball team away over something he said in the privacy of his own home.

The Black Panthers wanted to literally lynch George Zimmerman. Culinary TV Host Paula Deen was also destroyed by the race police.

Other times, charging your opponent with racism is an easy weapon that that can used when your opponent is winning a debate. Making that charge is the preferred manner where a leftist can shut down the debate, then claim victory.

In Obama's Amerika, almost everybody will eventually be accused of being a racist. Your enemies can take anything you have, or destroy your name and reputation. Once your reputation is destroyed, good luck in getting it back.

During the Salem Witch Trials, 20 people were burned at the stake or hung if they didn't admit they were a witch. When someone was accused of being a witch, all the accused had to do to avoid a terrible end was to simply fess up and admit that they were a witch.

So, I've made a personal decision to get ahead of this, and confess:

I, J. RedSquirrel, am a racist.

It is true. At one time I won an argument with a liberal. Off to Sensitivity Training Class I go....

There was that time I was with my escort, and she audio taped me saying that I didn't want her hanging around grey squirrels. Oh crap, they're taking my basketball team away.

I'm a pro-life Republican. Uh-oh, I better go and get my scarlet 'R' sewn on to my shirt now.

I think that That Constitution is a great document. That must make me a white-supremacist or something.

I think that cutting taxes are good for the economy. Uh-oh! Georgia Representative John Lewis says 'RedSquirrel is coming for your old!! He's coming for the weak!! He's coming for your children!!!'

I dislike Black jerks as much as White jerks. Go ahead, call The Black Panthers.

There. Now, get off my back, you unhinged psychopaths. Go take your witch hunt someplace else.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Harry Reid: Domestic Terrorist Cliven Bundy Should Be Imprisoned

A couple weeks ago, doddering Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was pulled away from his non-stop jihad against the Koch Brothers.

A bigger threat appeared on the national scene in the form of Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy. Reid contacted The RedSquirrel Report, and sent us this:

Dear Smelly constituents,

A couple week's ago, right-wing rancher Cliven Bundy (pictured) threw a monkey wrench in my scheme to bring a Chinese solar company to Nevada. This company would have made me and my son Rory billionaires, and also saved some frogs. That dirty racist, as well as dozens of well-armed domestic terrorists threatened and bullied agents with The Bureau of Land Management. This should not stand.

I am Harry effing Reid, and I get what I want. I will accept bribes from anyone I want, and I will shower my Chinese supporters with billions of taxpayer dollars if and when I please. I am The Senate Majority Leader, and it's my right. This inbred hick thinks that he actually can roll me? I'll show him.

We discovered with the help of our dedicated news media, Mr. Bundy is a virulent racist. This right-wing maniac said that Blacks should still be living in slavery. It's an absolute lie that our friends in the mainstream news media edited that audio. My personal close friend Andrea Mitchell from MSNBC told me so.

We are learning some incredible things about Bundy. For one thing, He refuses to pay grazing fees. That is why our agents had to kill dozens of his cows. We believe that he is cahoots with those evil Koch Brothers, although I haven't found out how....yet.

He might have lied about The Affordable Care Act at some point. We have some FBI agents bugging his ranch, and when we find anything on him, we'll swoop in and he'll be done.

By the time my friends in the mainstream news media are through with him, we will have the American People demanding his arrest.

None of this unpleasantness would have happened if he had contributed to my last campaign.

That's all for now.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid

Sunday, May 4, 2014

We Have Obtained A Copy Of Michelle Obama's Commencement Speech

Did you hear that First Lady Michelle Obama's high school commencement speech in Kansas was cancelled?

Luckily, we here at The RedSquirrel Report have obtained a copy of her speech: 

Greetings, Children of The Corn!

I was surprised to learn that everything is in color here in Kansas. I was under the impression that once you crossed the border into Kansas, everything was in black and white.

Before I get started, I would like to give a shout-out to your former Governor and our former Director of Health and Human Services, KATHLEEN SEBELIUS!!!

You may put all those middle fingers down.

I am SO pleased to be here. I see that most of you are not MORBIDLY OBESE, and you have ME to thank. It looks like my HEALTHY EATING PROGRAM has worked very well indeed.

Hey, didn't I tell you to put those middle fingers down?

As you graduate today, and spend the next 30 years of your life in your Mom's basement, drinking hot cocoa in your plaid onesie, just remember this:

There is nothing more important than serving my husband. There are great government jobs with The Obama Regime. Why, you can be a neighborhood snitch, and I understand that my husband is hiring thousands of IRS agents and Obamacare navigators to harass and rob the American people....

....and soon, we will need guards for the FEMA camps as we imprison my husband's critics, so apply now!

Just don't join the military, especially if you're a Christian.

There is a future for you as long as you learn to speak Chinese.....also, if you don't insult the prophet Mohammad....and you're enrolled in Obamacare.....and you don't criticize my husband's regime....

Oh, and you don't say anything that can be construed as racist....even in the privacy of your own home....

....or contribute to any state proposition which supports traditional marriage.

....and remember, don't cross the Bureau of Land Management.

But, if you want to work for my husband, just go to Journalism School. If you don't mind sucking up to my husband, get a job at CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, or Media Matters. We also have room for you at Organizing For America.

Well, that's my time. I have to get out of here, and begin another taxpayer-funded, multi-million dollar vacay.

I'm out.

From Now On, May 1 Will Be Referred To As 'Victims Of Communism' Day

Hello Minnesota Organization Of Bloggers!

We have an exciting announcement here at The Office of Parks And Recreation. We have re-named May Day. From now on, May 1 will be referred to as 'Victims of Communism Day'.

Beginning next year, we will remember the victims of communism with some very special events around the Twin Cities.

We will begin the day with our 'March For Freedom' along the new Northstar Line LRT route, where we will remember the victims of The murderous Khmer Rouge of Cambodia. We start at The State Capitol, and march on The University of Minnesota.

There, we will loudly pound on drums, and demand that their history department begin telling the truth about the hell brought about by Communism throughout it's evil, murderous history.

Everyone involved in our march will be equipped with a paintball gun, in case we run into May Day paraders.

At 8:00 p.m., we will gather in front of The Government Services Building in Minneapolis, and remember the 170,000,000 victims murdered by Communist regimes.

We will honor former Wisconsin Senator Joseph McCarthy, as a 3-dimensional holograph of the anti-communist historical figure will appear, and speak to the crowd.

This change will take place on May 1, 2015, so mark your calenders.

J. RedSquirrel, Director of Parks And Recreation
Office of The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers
Mayor M. Dilettante