All Hail Me, Queen Michelle Obama

Today, we are HONORED to have our QUEEN First Lady Michelle Obama grace us with her immeasurable wisdom. She has an important announcement to make, and we have the exclusive report:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

In only five short years, my husband has accomplished SO much, keeping GM alive, killing Osama bin Laden, while fundamentally transforming  our society. However, he didn't do it alone. I also deserve credit.

It is I who led this deeply flawed nation through a much-needed 'cultural shift.'

America has stolen resources from the rest of the world, so my husband's administration has shown the American people what it's like to have something stolen from them. We have re-appropriated resources from the lucky ones with jobs to our leftist cronies and international crooks. That'll teach ya.

Perhaps you have seen my 'Let's Move' campaign on TV. Liberal states like California, New York, and Minnesota have their own 'Let's Move' campaigns, as millions of fed-up peasants move to states like Texas, Wisconsin, and North Dakota.

I have personally overseen changes to school cafeteria menus all over America. So, goodbye sloppy joes, meatloaf, and fish sticks. Say hello to rabbit food.

Soon, I will be unveiling my new media ad campaign. I call it 'Starvation: It's for your own good.'

I urge Americans to 'drink more water'. It's healthy, and pretty soon water will be the only food that our subjects will be able to afford. While my family jets around the world on the taxpayer's dime, the little people will continue to live paycheck-to-paycheck.

That is, if there are ANY jobs left.

My husband is hard at work, violating your Constitutional rights. Soon, our gun-grabbing Attorney General will take your guns away. So, when a mob of black thugs come chasing after you, you'll be able to run away. You'll be as fit and trim as a Kenyan marathoner.

You can thank me later.

Well, that's all the time I have for you, my subjects. I must tend to my 'victory garden.'

All hail me, Queen First Lady Michelle Obama