Tuesday, January 27, 2015

And Now, A Message From Our 6-Year-Old President

I am filming this anti-oil drilling propaganda video aboard Air Force One....

....because Air Force One runs on unicorn farts.

Was The Matrix A Conservative Film?

Fifteen years ago, The Matrix opened in movie theaters. In this futuristic Y2K thrillride, machines use human bodies for energy while keeping them in a brainwashed, stupefied state called 'The Matrix.'

A character named Morpheus offers the main protagonist, played by Keannu Reeves, a choice. Take the blue pill, and stay stupid, or take a red pill, and open your eyes to how the world really is.

I wonder if the writer meant this as a metaphor for politics. Take the blue pill, and remain a slave to the Democrat plantation, where you are used to keep liberals in power. You remain dependent and dumbed-down, like the low information voter.

You believe whatever the mainstream media and brain washers in public education tells you to believe. You're not even aware that you have been conditioned by political correctness. You're taught to share by your government overlords, so you believe that income redistribution is the proper function of government.

You vote for Barack Obama, because you want to make history by voting for America's first Black president. You're not even slightly concerned about his background, or care that his closest allies are Communists and domestic terrorists.

You don't even know that his records are sealed. He promises the most transparent administration in history, and you trust him with all of your private information as you eagerly sign up for Obamacare.

If you take the red pill, you may have to actually THINK AND DO FOR YOURSELF. If you want something, you may actually have to WORK TO GET IT.

You find yourself being annoyed by unhinged control freaks, as they demand taxpayers fund everything they desire, while trying to ban everything they don't like.

You open your eyes, and learn that Obamacare is the most horrendous example of consumer fraud in human history, as it violates your freedom. You search your memory, and remember Obama reassuring the American people that 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.'

You realize that he was lying. Millions of health plans have been cancelled, and millions of full-time jobs have disintegrated. You want to warn your bamboozled neighbors, as Obama, his bureaucrats, and his czars lie and cheat with such speed, it almost seems as if they exist in 'bullet time.'

It's almost impossible to keep track of all the lies. You see Obama's blitzkrieg of lies and crimes against the American people coming, and skillfully dodge the insanity as they whiz past your head.

You escape from the stupidity of the government school, and learn about American Exceptionalism as well as our religious heritage. Escape from the leftist brainwashers, and you realize that freedom is worth fighting for.

If we do this, the good guys win in the end.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The RSR State Of The Union Viewer Poll

Our pollster, Harold, asked 25 people to react to President Obama's State of the Union Speech.

25% said that it was a good to very good speech.

20% said that it was more of the same from Obama and had a negative reaction to the speech.

55% told Harold to 'hold their hair.'

The White House Groundskeeper Was Busy Today

Last night, President Obama held his 6th State of The Union Address.

Following the speech, White House groundskeeper William McCloud dried it out and fertilized the White House lawn.

0bama's 2015 State Of The Dictatorship Address

The RSR has obtained a preview of President Obama's State of The Union Address. Here are a few excerpts:

(Democrats cheering wildly) Thank you.......thanks.........Thank you.....I think that Nancy Pelosi just fainted....Does anybody have water?.........Is there a doctor in the house?.....Thank you.

I am SO PROUD that because of ME the State of the Union is STRONG! (The Democrats cheer wildly, while the Republicans laugh).

According to my teleprompter, more Americans have found good jobs, more Americans are going to college, and a...a....a....(The Democrats begin cheering, stepping on this line of the speech)....

I GOT THE TERRORISTS ON THE RUN! (The Democrats look at each other in silence, then begin cheering, while The Republicans laugh).

At the same time, things are terrible because of my opponents are standing in the way of my progressive dream. There are those who are against a good college education, which is why I am proposing free money for anybody who wants a FREE education at a community college. 

If you want to take a remedial reading class, why should you be stopped? Tell ME! (The Democrats 'boo!' The Republicans).

I am willing to work with the Republican Congress. By the way, I've already vetoed everything that the new Congress hasn't even passed yet. (The Democrats Applaud).

As you know, my wife Michelle's 'healthy school lunches' have been an incredible success. We've smashed childhood obesity by offering rabbit food, which the kids declined to eat. Soon, the kids will be as thin and trim as a Kenyan marathoner! (The Democrats cheer).

As you know, I led the raid that killed Osama bin Laden! (The Democrats stand and cheer, the Republicans shake their heads). While all the other world leaders were in Paris for that Unity March, I was practicing my putting. Why?....

....because terrorism doesn't exist anymore. I ENDED IT! (The Democrats cheer deliriously, while the Republicans shake their heads).

Tonight, I propose that we will make those privileged rich people pay for exciting new OBAMA JOBS. (The Democrats applaud loudly) For instance, we will need neighborhood snitches to keep my critics in line. We will be offering money for children who hear their parents or family members say anything untrue about ME.

We are busy purging our military of those who won't swear allegiance to ME, and replace them with the wave of 'new Democrats' from south of our border. I'm also toying with the idea of replacing the Secret Service with The Black Panthers. That was Sharpton's idea.

My trusted adviser Valerie Jarret tells me that my ' national civilian security force' has almost completed their training, but we will need a few billion more.

All of these new proposals will pay for themselves, and not add ONE DIME to the national debt! (Everyone in the chamber laughs) But, there is a problem we must deal with. Last November, two-thirds of The American People stayed home on Election Day, and let my opponents take over The Senate. 

Since The Republicans took over Congress, race relations have suffered, the middle class has suffered, The Affordable Care Act has been threatened, the air and water has gotten dirtier, and immigrant familes have been broken up, threatening the very fabric of our 'fundementally-transformed' nation. My opponents will damage my dream if you don't get on your Obama phone, and MELT THE CAPITOL SWITCHBOARD!

Oh yeah, and politics has gotten dirtier AND THEY HAVE DAMAGED THE CIVILITY IN OUR DISCOURSE!



That's my time! Allahu Akbar!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

God Answered Our Prayers

There is an ongoing debate between people of faith and Atheists. We all know Bible stories, and many appear to be pretty wild and downright improbable.

We've heard or read the story of David, who killed the giant Philistine Goliath with just a slingshot and a stone.

Many of us know the incredible story of Noah and his ark. God told the old man to build it to protect him and his family from a massive flood. Our heavenly father told him to take two of EVERY animal species onto the ark because he planned to drown everything and everybody else.

Then, there's the greatest story ever told. A young girl named Mary gives birth to the savior of the world, who performed miracles, healed the sick, died on a cross, then was resurrected after three days.

It's pretty normal to wonder if these stories actually happened as they were written. Everybody has differing levels of faith, and people will argue about how we got here and where we are going after we die.

Two weeks ago, I believe that millions of people beheld a miracle when Former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was attacked by an exercise treadmill. I am certain that millions of Americans who were victimized by Dingy Harry were praying to God to send Harry a sign from above.

The harm that the former Senate Majority Leader has done to this country is so vast that only God could ever sort it out. I am sure that millions of praying Americans all wanted the same thing, and God answered their prayers.

Jesus teaches that we are to pray for our enemies.Wouldn't it be great if God had also knocked some sense (or common decency) into Harry in the process?

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Hey You Two...Get A Room

Last week, Speaker John Boehner was re-elected House Speaker by a slender majority. Some conservatives mounted a challenge to our weepy leader, but came up just short.

There was considerable anti-Boehner sentiment from rank-and-file conservatives on Twitter, after The Speaker fully-funded Amnesty and Obamacare.

Following the vote, Speaker Boehner got some revenge on those who opposed him, removing several rebellious members from committee leadership positions. Then, Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave Speaker Boehner a passionate smooch.

He returned the favor, kissing her on the neck. She brought her right leg up, pulling The Speaker close to her.

According to some who were there, Pelosi said something about 'a big gavel'. Several members of The Republican caucus saw Boehner and Pelosi carrying on, and told the frisky duo to 'get a room.'