Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Dinesh D'Souza To Costco: You Guys Are Marketing Geniuses!

Did you hear that retail giant Costco took all copies of Dinesh D'Souza's book "America: Imagine The World Without Her" off their shelves, citing 'poor sales'?

Then, The American People went nuts. The public believed that Costco took the book off the shelf because of the book's pro-American, pro-conservative message.

The embarrassed company immediately re-stocked the book. In the end, more Americans heard about the book, and it brought about more publicity for the author / filmmaker.

I can imagine Mr. D'Souza sending Costco a note similar to this:

Dear Costco,

Thanks for pulling my book off your shelves. I couldn't have payed for better publicity.

 You guys are marketing GENIUSES!

Thanks again,

Dinesh : )

Monday, July 21, 2014

Obama Go-Go's On Vacation

The world is burning, so that means President Nero is going on yet another expensive vacay. The Obamas are scheduled to leave on Aug. 9

This time, it's off to Martha's Vineyard. Here to tell us about it, are The Go-Go's:

Sometimes being president is not so much fun
Another conflict in The Middle East has begun
The Russians shot down a plane
Illegals bussed to Maine
While Barry attends another fundraiser

Darn those Republicans sure are mean
The Keystone Pipeline won't keep the planet green
Immigration reform
The globe is too warm
They want to stop my agenda at every turn

It's not my fault
There's no help for vets
I need a 16 day vacay
They haven't stopped talking about Benghazi yet

Vacation from my problems in DC
I just have to get away
Vacay down in Martha's Vineyard
Vacation from all the scandals
like The IRS and The NSA
If they blow up I don't want to be around.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

My Archie Andrews Obituary

The world is shocked with the sudden death of Archie Andrews, comic magazine icon and 60's pop music superstar. It's being reported that Andrews was fatally shot while defending a gay friend from an armed assailant.

The law-abiding Andrews and his friend were reportedly walking in a gun-free zone, where Andrews was killed.

Apparently,  the criminal knew that his red-headed victim and his gay friend weren't armed.

'Damn gun control!!! It just makes us normal, law-abiding Americans sitting ducks!!', said a visibly shaken Reggie Mantle, Archies former band mate. 'Everyone knows that Archie and I had our differences and were longtime rivals, but man, this is horrible and sad.

I haven't felt this bad since John Lennon was murdered.'

In a statement, The Archies long-time manager has announced that the band will not continue without Archie. The band had the number one single of 1969, "Sugar Sugar'.

It has been announced that every radio station in The United States will pay tribute to this pop music icon by broadcasting his signature hit 'Sugar Sugar' this Monday at noon EST.

Archie is survived by his parents, Mary and Fred, his main crushes Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper, his rival Reggie Mantle, his best friend, Jughead Jones, and pal Dalton Doiley.

Funeral plans are pending.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Hobby Lobby Decision: A Commentary By Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles

Recently, The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in The Hobby Lobby Case that a family-owned business cannot be forced to pay for contraception services as part of the Affordable Care Act if they have a religious or moral objection to it.

Supporters of religious liberty hailed the decision, while abortion supporters are crying foul.

Here to bring some clarity to the decision is our Faith and Religion Contributor, Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles. Take it away, Sis:

God Bless, you little snickering rodent....

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of religious liberty, over the ham-handed, mulatto Marxist creep in the White House and socialist skanks everywhere who demand that good, moral employers pay for their perverted 'good time.'

I'm sure that fat skank Sandra Fluke is using this decision right now for her political campaign fliers, telling potential voters, 'This is The Supreme Court's War on Women!!!' Boo-hoo!! You dirty, socialist whore!!!

Chief Justice John Roberts, Sammy 'The Bull' Alito, Anthony Kennedy, 'The Smartest Man In The Room' Antonin Scalia, and 'My Brother of a Different Mother' Clarence Thomas ruled correctly....

while shriveled-up communist Ruth Bader Ginsberg, 'John Lovitz look-a-like' Elena Kagen, 'The crypt keeper' Steven Breyer, and 'The Socialist Seniora' Sonia Sotomayor dissented.

I'd like to tell these four Godless heathens to put their hands where I can see them, so I can take my ruler and SMACK 'EM GOOD AN' BLOODY!!' Damnable, sick weirdos.

It's simply amazing that 4 judges in the highest court in the land can find nothing wrong with the government forcing a mom-and-pop shop to pay for their skanky employees contraception. This is sick.

(whisper): Heavenly Father, full of grace....please forgive these wretched leftist whack-jobs. They know not what they do. And that petulant, pencil-necked brat in the White House who thinks your world revolves around him. He was never taught about your grace, while he was attending his communist madrassa and eating dog flesh.

God bless Hobby Lobby, The Supreme Court (well, the five normal justices), and may God bless you and yours.

Sister Mary Bloody Knuckles

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Richard Trumka: We're Not Giving Up On Daycare Unionization

On June 30, the Supreme Court ruled in Harris v. Quinn that daycare providers can't be forced to unionize because they are not state workers. We wanted to get the pro-union perspective, so we've invited President of The AFL-CIO, Richard Trumka to tell us his thoughts:

As you would suspect, we are very disappointed in the Supreme Court's decision. We believe that every American worker has the right to have a portion of their paycheck taken by their union boss against their will, and sent to The Democrats.

We are planning our next move. We may have to engage in some good, old-fashioned thuggery and intimidation. Some of my associates were considering beating Chief Justice Robert's head in with a baseball bat, but we will probably form picket lines around daycare centers all over the country instead.

I have the feeling that daycare centers will become very loud places very soon. Nap time might become a thing of the past. We are readying some pre-printed protest signs and thinking up some new protest chants. When those little kids start crying and freaking out, maybe the parasites who refuse to unionize will change their mind.

As soon as we take over all the daycare centers in America, we will force even self-employed daycare entrepreneurs to pay job ransom. We're not taking this laying down.

Then, we unionize the babysitters.

The RedSquirrel Reports From The Border

Reports are trickling out regarding the wave upon wave of under-aged illegal aliens at the U.S./ Mexican border. Government officials are overwhelmed by this unprecedented influx of diseased foreigners, invited in by our Dear Leader and The Democrats.

House Republicans refuse to pass 'comprehensive immigration reform', so the petulant dictator from Kenya has brought in thousands of diseased illegals into this country to overwhelm our country into submission. Many of them are put on buses, and sent to blend into the population.

Dear RSR readers, what we have here is a horrific mess, a humanitarian crisis. Tens of thousands of children are showing up at the border, and turning themselves in to border guards.

They are being sent to and stored on army bases, like inventory. DHS officials have BANNED photographs and video, so your bushy-tailed correspondent snuck in to one of these bases, and files this SHOCKING report:

There are thousands here. Many are refugees, escaping from central American countries overwhelmed by and ran by drug cartels. Lice are visible, running down their little faces. Many are already spreading dangerous diseases, like tuberculosis and scabies.

It simply isn't fair that America can keep their population relarively disease-free, while children in other countries are ravaged. It's good to know that Obama isn't satisfied with redistributing wealth. Now, he's redistributing dangerous diseases.

Meanwhile, Democrat campaign workers are busy registering the under-aged illegals to vote this November. One campaign worker told me:

No, these migrants don't even need to know English or anything. I'm here to get them into voting booths on Election Day.'

Also, your bushy-tailed reporter met some youngsters with a gang MS-13, who are being trained to intimidate white voters outside of polling stations on Election Day, because The New Black Panther Party can't be everywhere.

And look, Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi has arrived on the scene, telling a huddled mass that 'if I could, I'd take you all home with me.' That Nancy is such a charitable soul!

This just in: The President has demanded that Congress give him $3.7 billion dollars for 'comprehensive immigration reform.' Your bushy-tailed reporter has learned from his inside source that Obama plans to buy a house for 37,000 under-aged illegals, many of whom arrive in America wearing tenner shoes bearing an image of Obama.

I'm staying on top of this important story.

Monday, July 7, 2014

I Was Away This Week

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was away for a few days this week, and have yet to get all caught up on the news. I want to know:

Has those 9-year-old illegal aliens been registered to vote yet?

I understand that the illegal aliens are spreading dangerous diseases like Tuberculosis. Has there been any outbreaks of Ebola yet? That might get rough.

Has Obama instigated a civil war while I was gone?

Are the people running the V.A. getting their shit together yet?

Has Obama told the truth about anything while I was away?

I understand that Nancy Pelosi was greeting illegal aliens at the border. Please tell me if some drug dealers or human traffickers came by and stuffed her in a van. She needs to disappear.

Are Kimje still married?

Has Trey Gowdy thrown an actual book at those lying pricks at the IRS?