Monday, April 25, 2016

Future Headline

FORMER MANSON FOLLOWER / KILLER VAN HOUTEN ACCEPTS UC BERKELEY PROFESSORSHIP


What Will The Minneapolis City Council Ban Next?

Our heroic Minneapolis City Council has voted to ban plastic grocery bags. They've solved all our problems, and now our cupboards will be uncluttered and unpolluted too.

Now that our liberal overlords have banned this scourge, it's time for these control freaks to ban something else. Your bushy-tailed correspondent has a source inside City Hall, and now we know what The Minneapolis City Council will ban next:

Bacon.

To a liberal, everything they like must be mandatory, and everything they don't like must be banned. Liberals are incapable of solving actual problems, so they create a crisis, and tell you they care about the imaginary crisis.

Liberals wreck economies, but because they don't know how the economy works, they will create a strange, fringy issue, such as allowing transgender weirdos into the girl's bathroom. Then, they will accuse normal people of being bigots for not allowing this activity.

But, let's get back to bacon.

Normal Americans love bacon, and that's a problem for many liberals. There's fat and cholesterol in bacon, and that's unhealthy. Liberal killjoys like Michelle Obama are opposed to fat and cholesterol, unless it's being served at The White House.

Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges is always looking for ways to appeal to her Somali-Muslim voters. She dons a Muslim burqa when meeting with her supporters, and banning bacon would also please her Muslim voters. Muslims in The City of Lakes who frequent city food shelves will no longer be offended by seeing food products made of pig flesh.

This ban would also appeal to the Animal Rights crowd.

Our liberal overlords are always looking out for us. Remember to thank them when they're up for re-election in 2017.







Thursday, April 7, 2016

Goodbye, American Idol

Tonight was the American Idol series finale, and your bushy-tailed correspondent already misses this fine TV show.



Come to think of it, I missed the last 9 seasons.....

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Raul Takes Barry Out To The Woodshed, Then To A Ball Game

Wow, now that was a productive trip....for Raul Castro.

After schooling our 6-year-old president on all the evils of freedom, democracy, and capitalism during a press conference in Cuba, their brutal Communist dictator Raul Castro took Barry to a baseball game.

They may have enjoyed some peanuts and popcorn, and maybe some Cracker Jacks, while the terrorized citizens of Brussels, Belgium were collecting 31 dead bodies from the latest Islamo-Nazi terrorist attack on Brussels Airport.

We understand that our 'What, Me Worry?' president has returned the favor, and invited his comrade Raul to a Chicago White Sox baseball game at Kaminsky Field. 

Remember How The Democrats Treated Robert Bork?

It appears that the Republican-controlled Senate may not have a confirmation vote for President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Merrick Garland. Nearly all of the GOP Senators would rather wait until after the presidential election to confirm the replacement for the late Justice Antonin Scalia.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes in fairness, and hopes that The Republicans are just as fair to Judge Garland as the Democrats were to Judge Robert Bork during his 1987 hearings....

Monday, March 14, 2016

Bernie Sanders Needs To Revise His Southern Strategy

Socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has won several Northern states promising free college and healthcare, but Hillary Clinton is winning big in the South.

It appears that Southern liberals like being spoken to in a fake Negro dialect. Maybe Sanders needs to stop sounding so North-eastern, and start speaking like a southern preacher, or begin speaking in Black Jive:




"Ahhh don't feel noways tired. Aaaa've come too faaaar from where Aaah started frum"