Sunday, March 19, 2017

Bow Wow Needs His Nose Hit With A Rolled-Up Newspaper

....and in other news....


Rapper Little Bow Wow, nephew of Snoop Doggy Dog, threatened to 'pimp out' First Lady Melania Trump.

In the opinion of this grizzled newscaster, I think that The President ought to whap Little Bow Wow in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

....And In The Communist Weather Forecast....

It's the middle of March, and much of America is covered in snow. Many Americans are experiencing blizzards, and the government may have to postpone the first day of Spring.....





DAMN YOU, GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Kellyanne Conway's Correction

Kellyanne Conway, the national director of  President Trump's victorious presidential campaign made a mistake when she referred to the Bowling Green Massacre. The problem with this massacre is that it never happened. As a result, all of the presidents enemies took to Twitter and CNN, lambasting the blond conservative.

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe that when you make a mistake, you own up to it, then correct the mistake. Here is the correction Ms. Conway SHOULD make:

During the debate on whether or not the president has the right to keep some people (mostly from countries with large, violent Islamic extremist populations) out of the country, I mistakenly made reference to The Bowling Green Massacre. As we know, this massacre never happened.

If I offended any terrorists or leftist dhimmis, I sincerely apologize. I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I would also like to take this opportunity to make a much-needed correction, and correct the record. I said The Bowling Green Massacre when I meant The NineEleven-1993 World Trade Center Bombing-Fort Hood-Orlando-Chattanooga-Bataclan Nightclub (take a breath)Massacre.

This has been a very humbling experience.

Kellyanne Conway 


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Word From Our New Sponsor.....

Come on down to F&R Department Store! We have a great Not My President's Day Sale!

F&R has great deals for all you special snowflakes who STILL haven't accepted the result of last November's presidential election! Don't cry, baby! After the NOT MY PRESIDENT'S DAY rally, come down to F&R, and re-stock your supplies!







Diapers for only $10. (Of course, we accept EBT CARDS!) We also have TOP BRAND PACIFIERS for only $1!

So, come on down to F&R!


Sunday, February 19, 2017

Belts For Black Guys

February is Black History Month, and The RedSquirrel Report is combating a terrible scourge effecting Black communities across the country.

Sagging pants.

It seems that a high number of Black males are not even aware that their pants are sagging far beneath the waist, even revealing their underwear.

How does one find employment dressed this way? They look idiotic.

RSR are proud to supply belts to the less-unfortunate. Please donate $15 to Belts For Black Guys, P.O. Box 56, Minneapolis, MN.

Together, we can help them dress themselves properly.



(Note: This is just a parody. DO NOT give us your money.)

Homesick For Taconite Lyrics

In May 2015, I recorded a CD at Black Apple Productions in Minneapolis. I had written a batch of songs more less relating to memories of my childhood on Northern Minnesota's Iron Range. By September, the artwork and the first 300 copies of Homesick For Taconite were done.

Since then, 40-50 copies have been sold or given away to co-workers and people I know. Hopefully, I'll get a distribution deal set up soon, and maybe I'll get a couple music vids finished and put up on YouTube. When they're done, I'll blogpost them here.

Here are the lyrics for the ten songs that appear on Homesick For Taconite.


Scenic Highway

I'm on my way home, to the Scenic Highway
I'm so homesick, I miss my family
It's where I grew up....the Scenic Highway
That song on the radio reminds me of yesterday

I'm on my way home, to the Scenic Highway
'Going back to the place I know where I belong
Tall, tall trees line the Scenic Highway
Crickets serenading me with their little happy song

My spirit tells me we should get together
and have a little party with family and friends

I'm on my way home to the Scenic Highway
'Maybe plant some roots down, and grow a little family
Tell the girl I love I think I'm ready now
There's no place quite like the Scenic Highway

My spirit tells me we should get together
and have a little party with family and friends

I'm on my way home to the Scenic Highway
I'm so homesick, I miss my family
It's where I grew up....the Scenic Highway
That song on the radio reminds me of yesterday
There's no place quite like the Scenic Highway


Clotheslined By Love

It started the day I blew right on thru that stop sign
when I saw Jenny Potter hanging clothes on the line
Her long, blond hair and her sun dress just a' swayed in the breeze
The way that girl looked could drive the devil down to his knees
She knocked me out she knocked me right out flat on my ass
I never thought that I could ever fall so fast
She was shining like an angel sent from above
You could say on that day I clotheslined by love

I was clotheslined by love
I was clotheslined by love
I was clotheslined by love
I was clotheslined by love

I took a standing eight and then I took a deep breath
I was in love now and it scared me to death
It seemed as if my heart was hanging on the line
I prayed to God Almighty, 'Would you make that girl mine?'

Woo!!!

I was clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love

I was clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
She was sent from above
I was clotheslined by love



Hurricane Janelle

I don't know if it was April or May
when Hurricane Janelle took our Daddy away
It might've been the beer or humidity
that uprooted our family tree
I don't know if it was April or May
when Hurricane Janelle took our Daddy away
That homewrecker left Mom in a bind
and drove her down to the welfare line

I don't know if it was June or July
when Hurricane Janelle made my big sister cry
You could say those were turbulent days
when Hurricane Janelle took our Daddy away
I don't know if it was June or July
when Hurricane Janelle made my big sister cry
Category 5's pack a powerful force
Thank you Satan, for no-fault divorce

Now, Old Janelle struck a long time ago
We're alive and kicking, well what do you know?
Some of us kids got a touch of grey
The family tree's a' growing and we're doing o.k. (say!)
Old Janelle struck a long time ago
We're alive and kicking, well what do you know?
Some of us kids got a touch of grey
The family tree's a' growing and we're doing o.k.

I was on Facebook today
and I friended my step-brother Ray
I asked him, 'How are you doin', bro?'
He said, 'We're doin' o.k.
Me n' my wife are expecting in May...'
I was on Facebook today
and I friended my step-brother Ray
I asked him, 'How are you doin', bro?'
He said, 'We're doin' o.k.
Me n' my wife are expecting in May
Me n' my wife are expecting in May.'



Chickadee

Hey there pretty birdy, You look so fine
Come on, and press that little beak right next to mine
I love you, (You) know it's true, Chickadee
Yes, I love you
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee

I knew I always loved you, I knew all along
You make the sun shine when I hear your song
Come along, Fly with me, Chickadee
Come on, baby
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee

Come on, Honey Bunch, Let's go build our nest
My heart is beating inside this warm, red breast
Love you best, more than the rest, Chickadee
Come on, baby
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee



Little Suzi Sejnoha

First day of First grade
Oh man, I got it made
I'm not in Kindergarten any more
Saying 'Hi' to classmates
New year, clean slate
Hey looky who's standing at the front door

Little Suzi Sejnoha
Cutest little girl I ever saw
Her desk was only three rows away from mine
I'm a' going ga-ga
for Little Suzi Sejnoha
Maybe I can talk to her in the lunch line
(That would be fine)

Third-hour recess
Little Suzi in that dress
Our class was playing dodgeball outside
I threw the ball at Sue
Didn't know what else to do
Hit her in the head and she began to cry
I just wanted to meet her
'Didn't mean to hurt her
I was just turning on my boyish charm
She wiped off her face
and wiped the dirt from her lace
Then, she hauled off and socked me right on the arm

Little Suzi Sejnoha
Cutest little girl I ever saw
Her desk was only three rows away from mine
I'm a' going ga-ga
for Little Suzi Sejnoha
Maybe I can talk to her in the lunch line
(Yeah, yeah)

Jungle gyms, climbing trees
Played with frogs, skinned our knees
Eventually, we became good friends
We played football
and chased each other down the hall
Man, I would love to be 'tackled' by Suzi again

Little Suzi Sejnoha
Cutest little girl I ever saw
Her desk was only three rows away from mine
Yes, I'm a' going ga-ga
for little Suzi Sejnoha
Maybe I can talk to her in the lunch line



Agate-Picking Woman

There's a lady from Minnesota
way up there, right on the Iron Range
A little grandma, with worn-out sneakers
You could say she goes against the grain

Let me tell you about that agate-picking woman
She takes her agate bucket to the mines
God bless that little agate-picking Grandma
Today, I wonder what today she's gonna find
She's that agate-picking woman

Now, she digs those pretty, pretty colors
Those gemstones only God could design
She takes her bucket, and walks for hours
picking rocks in that old, deserted mine

Let me tell you about that agate-picking woman
She takes that agate bucket to the mines
God bless that little agate-picking Grandma
Today, I wonder what she's gonna find
She's that agate-picking woman

When she gets home, She empties that bucket
Then, she will check out those pretty stones
Smooth those edges in a rock tumbler, tumblin'
(and) listens to a little radio

If you see that lady from Minnesota
The woman with those worn-out sneaker shoes
a little ore dust on her black windbreaker
Tell her I'll be coming home real soon

Let me tell you about that agate-picking woman
She takes her agate bucket to the mines
God bless that little agate-picking Grandma
Today, I wonder what she's gonna find



Wild Strawberries

I think about the good 'ole days
when I was just a kid
A song or taste will take me back
or remind me of something that I did
Us kids were always a' running around
We used pine cones for baseballs
We had lots of room to grow, but most of all

I love wild strawberries

We also had plumb and apple trees
and Mama would can that fruit up
We were wild and we were free
'Didn't know if we had it rough
Playing hockey in the deserted mines
when the ponds would freeze in December
We had each other and we had fun
and I also remember....

I love wild strawberries....wild strawberries

Mama died about three years ago
and I've been living in the city for years
I think about moving back some day
if I could just get myself into gear
I dwell inside these memories
of a better time
Talking on the phone with my brothers and sisters
But, you know that I'm.........
thinking about...........
wild strawberries



Are There Any More At Home Like You?

I went out with your sister, now I don't even miss her
after all the Hell she put me through
I thought that maybe I was cursed, things went from bad to worse
on the day that I met you

Just stay away, Devil's daughter
I've doused my doorposts with holy water

Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you?
Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home....
any more at home like you?

Oh, Please do tell, Is this the end of my Hell?
It's the least that you can do
Now I know just what you're all about, In the name of love I cast you out
I won't be your fool

Just stay away, Devil's daughter
I 've doused my doorposts with holy water

Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you
Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you

Just warn me now, Devil's daughter
I've doused my doorposts with holy water

Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you
Just warn me now (warn me now), and tell me true (tell me true)
Are there any more at home....like you
like you



Chasing The Afternoon Away

Chasing the afternoon, just chasing the afternoon away
We'll be chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon
Chasing the afternoon away

(I'm) gonna catch some fireflies
See the moon light in my girl's eyes
What a way of winding down the day!
Kissing on the front porch swing
Not doing much of anything
She takes my hand, We go upstairs, and we
do what we may

Feel the pull of the moon
Got me crazy like a loon
Happy while the crickets serenade
Tonight was made for you and I
Night owls, tonight we fly
Chasing the afternoon away

And we'll be......

Chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon away
We'll be chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon,
Chasing the afternoon away

Oh yeah............

Today the clock stopped at 4:55
I'm so glad I made it out of work alive
I'm going home, and I'm gonna play

And we'll be....

Chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon away
We'll be chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon
Chasing the afternoon away
Chasing the afternoon away



God Bless This Old Dump

God bless this old mess
We liked it, more or less
One day it will be condemned
So, God bless this old dump until then

It was the house nobody wanted
Some even thought it was haunted
The plumbing didn't work
and the front door, she needed a jerk

So, God bless this old mess
We liked it, more or less
One day it will be condemned
So, God bless this old dump until then

One day, they tore it down
and Mom got a new place in town
We still have memories
All that's left are the trees




















Thursday, February 16, 2017

Commie Anthem Parody Alert (If I Had A Hammer)

One of President Trump's defining campaign policy initiatives relates to the issue of stopping illegal immigration. During the presidential campaign, he promised to build a wall along our southern border, and he vowed to make Mexico pay for it.

It appears unclear if this is doable, because Mexico's President Neito says that he won't pay for the wall.

What his policy needs is a good, rousing song. So, in the spirit of the leftist protest folk singer Pete Seeger, we have re-written one of his most famous songs.


If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
all across the Rio Grande
I'd hammer out the drug dealers
I'd hammer out the welfare cheats
I'd hammer in jobs
for my brothers and sisters
All across this land

If I had a wall
I'd wall off the illegals
I'd wall off the migrants
I'd keep them off my land
I'd keep out the killers
I'd keep out the beheaders
I'd wall in jobs
for my brothers and sisters
All across the land