Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Hillary Clinton Song Parody Osborne Bros. 'It Ain't My Fault'

I blame the loss on the voters
and blame the voters for the loss
I blame America and the men
Comey made Trump the boss

The Russians ruined my brand
My campaign workers weren't so bright
The single women who didn't vote
They ruined my Election Night

But it's not my fault
No, it's not my fault
I'm supposed to be prez
I wasn't supposed to lose
It's not my fault

Blame the Right Wing for my losin'
and I blame Bernie too
and blame my lousy doctor
for giving me the flu

Blame Google Twitter bots
Sexists and the racists too
All the voter suppression
The Blacks and The Jews

But it's not my fault
No, it's not my fault
I was supposed to win
It was my legacy
But it's not my fault

I was leading
I had a blue wall
I didn't have to campaign or make any robo-calls
America made a mistake
You elected the wrong one
I didn't have to campaign in Wisconsin

I blame my husband
for ruining our family name
and I blame facebook
Fake news is also to blame
I blame those blue states
for turning flaming red
and I blame Steve Bannon
for the mean things my opponent said

But it's not my fault...............

Meet America's Gold Medal Hockey Babes

Two weeks ago, Team USA Women's hockey team won the gold medal in a thrilling shoot-out with Team Canada, yet almost nobody knows these incredible, young women. Today, we meet two of our gold medal babes, Amanda Kessel and Hilary Knight.

Blond cutie Amanda Kessel was born in Madison, Wisconsin, and played college hockey at The University Of Minnesota. On November 18, 2010, Amanda scored an incredible 4 goals against the New Hampshire Wildcats in a game where the Lady Gophers tamed the Lady Wildcats, 11-0. Meow.

Hot off that dominating performance, Amanda strapped on the pads and scored another hat-trick the next night as her team pounded the Lady Wildcats into submission. 6-1.

We asked Amanda if there was anything the USA Women's Olympic squad did that promoted team chemistry going into the gold medal game against Canada. She surprised our interviewer when she said that she and her teammates painted each other's toenails red, white, and blue. Dammit, she's cute.

Slender, Brunette beauty Hilary Knight was born in Palo Alto, California, and played college hockey for the Wisconsin Badgers. Currently, she's a superstar for the Boston Pride of The National Women's Hockey League, where she seems to score at will.

Hilary has played in three Olympics, and so she is more experienced than the other girls.

We asked the slender brunette what it takes to play defence against a hot team like Canada. She told us that it's tough because those Canadian women are so hawt and they score a lot.

We noted the Oops, I Did It Again shot, and asked Amanda and Hilary if either one of them have a nickname for their shots. They giggled.

Finally, we asked her about her favorite lip gloss. She and her Olympic team mates love Triple X.

So, there you have it. These women are terrific hockey players, and yet they're beautiful, All-American gals. Some of them tie their hair back with cute pony tails. On top of that, they have heart-melting smiles.

They are America's new dream team. Rawr.........

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Our Hollywood Correspondent At The Oscars

On Sunday night, Hollywood put on it's Academy Awards, and our correnspondent was there. Sister Mary Brokenknuckles, take it away:

God bless, RedSquirrel....

On Sunday night, immoral Hollywood weirdos celebrated their wickedness, and gave themselves graven images. There was amazing hypocracy on display, with Hollywood hussies show off their emaciated bodies on the red carpet, and then they complain about the Harvey Weinsteins of the world.

Hollywood glorifies gun violence, then trash actual gun owners.

Screenwriter James Ivory won a 'Best Adopted Screenplay' Oscar for his 'work' on 'Call Me By You Name.' The film depicted a budding 'romance' between a 25 year old man and a 17 year old boy. Enjoy you graven image in purgatory, weirdo.

I wonder what former child actor Corey Feldman thought of this example of pedophile filth. Maybe Kevin Spacey can portray a Catholic priest next time.

Jimmy Kimmel, former host of the game show 'Guess What's In My Pants', hosted the Academy Awards. I understand that he hosts a late-night talk show, where he bad-mouths our wonderful President Trump, and yaps tearfully about issues such as health care.

I remember a time long ago when late-night talk show hosts were funny. When I want to know what I should think about the important issues, I'll wait and see what Jimmy Kimmel or Meryl Streep has to say about it. (rolling my eyes)..............

Gary Oldman won the 'Best Male Actor' award for his fantastic portrayal of Winston Churchill in 'Darkest Hour'. Apparently he sinned during his acceptance speech, and thanked America. You could hear vials of cocaine drop inside the Dolby Theatre. Literally.

These immoral Communist weirdos gave Mr. Oldman the silent treatment when he thanked America. They cheer and almost ejaculate on themselves for child rapist Roman Polanski, but one actor thanks America.......stone silence.

It makes me wanna smack their knuckles with a ruler or call an exorcist.

Final note: This Oscar telecast had it's lowest TV ratings ever. I think The Oscars are for entertainment writers. Normal Americans have tuned out.

God Bless.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Our Art Critic Reviews The New Obama Portraits

Everyone on Twitter is either offended by or amused with these recent portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama, so The RedSquirrel Report has asked our art critic to write a piece. Take it away, Jerome:

Thank you, RedSquirrel. The portrait of our Black savior Barack Obama by anti-White artist Kehinde Wiley, has been unveiled, and the regular, uneducated, right-wing racist plebes are offended. The messiah is seated on a chair, with one arm resting over the other.

I stood and looked at the portrait on the right side, then walked over to the left side. I could have sworn The Messiah's eyes followed me. It almost seems like there's a soul trapped inside the painting.

He sits before a wall of kudzu weeds. To me, this wall of weed depicts Chicago's Wrigley Field, which would be the only place in Obama's gun-free paradise where a messiah can model for a portrait without being shot. Perhaps he wanted to sit before  marijuana plants, but decided not to.

Kudzu is an invasive herb, fundamentally transforming everything in it's path. To me, this plant represents the growing federal government under his 9-year-reign. Kudzu laughs at The Racist Constitution, and chokes-out Lady Liberty.

The Messiah has four fingers on one hand and six fingers on the other, and that reminds the viewer that he is not like the rest of us.

The 'artist', Kihinde Wiley, is known for paintings depicting strong Black women beheading White women. White racists bring this up because they couldn't stand the thought of a Black man in the White House.

'Michelle Obama', by Amy Sherald, is depicted with long, flowing hair and soft, feminine features. The painting looks more like Rozonda 'Chilli' Thomas from the 90's singing group, TLC than the former First Lady.

The female in the panting isn't scowling, and her shoulders aren't broad like Labron James. If the former First Lady wasn't there to unveil the painting, nobody would know who the female in the painting was.

The Second Government Shutdown In Three Weeks

February 9, 2018 5:02 A.M.: .....and last night, the dysfunctional Republican-led Congress couldn't agree with themselves and pass a new budget, and the government shut down at midnight. This is the second federal government shut-down in three weeks. If you're visiting a federal park, the rangers will begin throwing you out.

Once again, the Republicans has shut America down. You can't visit The Washington Monument OR The Smithsonian Institute. Your bank will be closed. If you're on public assistance, you won't be able to see a doctor. Wait.....there's breaking news....

The Senate has just passed a budget............Remember all that stuff I mentioned a minute ago?....Nevermind................

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Maxine Waters Responds To President Trump's SOTU

Americans responded very positively to President Trump's State Of The Union address a couple weeks ago. We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in getting ALL points of view, so we asked California Democrat Maxine Waters for her response to Trump's speech.

Take it away, Maxine....

Shut up, you racist rodent....

I boycotted it, but I'm here to deliver the Black response to Trump's First State Of The Union Address....

First things first. The racist maniac Trump wants to cut taxes as well as regulations. I don't think he has the decency or the intelligence to know what will result. Millions of new jobs for Americans? We Democrats depend on a large, permanent underclass that keeps us in power, but does he ever think of US???? No!!!! He's a damn racist.

My fellow Democrats refused to stand and applaud the lowest Black unemployment rate ever recorded. Us Democrats don't care about jobs. WE WANT REPARATIONS!! Jobs are for little people and honkeys.

Racist cops all over America are shooting innocent Black teenagers. I don't remember that monster with orange hair mentioning THAT in his State Of The Union blab fest! Nowhere in his SOTU did he propose taxpayer-funded statues of Trayvon Martin or Michael Brown! They were assassinated by White racists!! This country will never heal from it's racism!

That psychopath Trump wants people (EVEN UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS) to obey our laws. I say that laws are for racist honkeys! We Democrats believe in OPEN BORDERS!!!! We want new voters, and if the Rethuglicans won't agree to our demands, then I say we let everyone vote!! Mexicans, Hondurans, Iranians, ect.

Illinois Congressman Luis Gutierrez angrily stormed out of the room when the Rethuglicans chanted 'USA!!!USA!!!' The GOP RACISTS actually think we work for the American people. That's how out-of-touch these racists are!

Trump is undoing Barack Obama's legacy. My fellow Americans, this is grounds for IMPEACHMENT!!! We had fundamentally transformed America, and this interloper Trump has ruined everything we worked SO HARD FOR!!!

We had better get rid of this or this clown with orange hair will make the federal government work for racist normals!!!

That's it, Maxine out!!!

Monday, January 29, 2018

RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute

Welcome to RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute

Earlier this month, Oprah Winfrey gave men a real tongue-lashing during her impassioned acceptance speech at The Golden Globe Awards. But, we bet that you didn't know before that tongue-lashing....

....Oprah gave serial-movie mogul Harvey Weinstein a real the EAR!

Ooooh! Hooray for Hollywood! This has been your RedSquirrel's Hollywood Minute!