Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Happy Halloween From Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi

Hello, it's the wicked socialist witch of the West, California Representative Nancy Pelosi. 

I'm here at The House of Representative Building, measuring the new drapes I'll be ordering for when The Blue Wave washes away the Republican majority on November 6.

Also, I'm planning our Halloween Party. Dianne Feinstein is already bobbing for bribes with some friends from China.

Members of our Democrat caucus are decked out like AntiFa thugs, breaking into Republican offices and spray-painting their walls. Later on, they will be throwing toilet paper and eggs all over the White House.

Our members are just engaging in some of that 'Democrat civility' you keep hearing about on the news.

After the Democrats take back Congress, expect non-stop investigations! We'll impeach The Great Orange Pumpkin Trump as well as Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh!

Say goodbye to your Trump tax cuts. Next year, scaaaaary IRS agents will replace cute trick-or-treaters at your door!

My Democrat colleagues are putting together some really scary costumes. Representative Maxine Waters will be a scary apple tree from The Wizard of Oz, George Soros will be evil Emperor Palpatine, and New York Senator Charles Schumer will be Grandpa Munster!

As usual, Representative Frederica Wilson will wear what she wears every day, because she believes EVERY day is Halloween.

I just hope the Republicans don't call for an exorcist. The unclean spirit living inside my head wouldn't like that.

That's all for now,

Nancy Pelosi, former and future Speaker of The United States House of Representatives.








Monday, October 22, 2018

Bert And Ernie Sets The Record Straight

Recently, a writer for Sesame Street disclosed that buddies Bert and Ernie are gay. We thought that we'd let the duo respond to this claim:

Bert: Thanks RedSquirrel Report....

Thanks for letting us respond. While, it's true that Ernie and I are very close friends, we have not nor ever had a gay relationship.

Ernie: That's right, Bert. We are two red-blooded, hetero dudes. We like girls. When Bert and I go out, it's boy's night out. I'm his wing-man, because....

Bert: No, Ernie, It's not like that. We're Muppets, and we don't really have any type of sexuality, and.... 

Ernie: Hey buddy, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!! The writer outed us, and I'm really sick of these political correctness bastards ruining our innocence! Also.....I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

They've ruined education, movies, television, childhood, music, and religion. Now, these pro-Sodomite jerks are telling everyone that we're gay.

Bert: Not that there's anything wrong with that....

Ernie: Dammit Bert, there you go again! You're so wishy-washy and politically-correct! Maybe I should REALLY come out of the closet, and tell the world who I really am!

O.K., here it comes!!! I VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP, I WATCH FOX NEWS, I WANT ILLEGAL ALIENS OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, AND I LIKE GIRLS!!!!

Bert: Wow, Ernie. I never really thought that much about politics. I thought we were just two lovable characters on a TV show for kids, though adults think we are cute, too.

Ernie: So, if you're a grown man that thinks Bert and Ernie are cute, does that make you gay?

Bert: I don't think so.

Ernie: So, let's wrap this up. Bert and Ernie are not gay. We're Muppets. Our characters are just buddies, and we want to keep our innocence.

Bert: I love you, man.

Ernie: (laughs)


Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Our Correspondent At The Kavanaugh Hearings

Our correspondent, Sister Mary Brokenknuckles sends us this report:

God Bless......

Mother Mary, full of Grace.....I cannot believe the hate, sin, and dishonesty I am witnessing here at the confirmation hearings for the wonderful Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Last week, I saw pro-abortion protesters obviously possessed by unclean spirits, trying to stop his confirmation.

I saw Minnesota's Senator Amy Klobachar, and I said a little prayer for her soul even though I'm not absolutely certain she has one.

Then, there's the Devilcrats on this committee. Corey Spartacus Booker, Kamala the Great Whore Harris, Richard Da Nang Blumenthal, and the other apostles of Satan. I wanted to say a little prayer for these heathens, but I didn't want to ruin their close, intimate relationship with the evil one.

Then, there was the testimony from the false witness, Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Judge Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her 35 years ago at a party. When her voice changed in the middle of her testimony, I thought she was possessed by a demon. I was going to run out of the chambers and call for an exorcist. She didn't know where or when it happened, or who else was there.

Her hair covered her face, she laughed inappropriately, and she was obviously not credible. She said she had a fear of flying, but she was caught in that lie. She flies all over.

When it was Judge Brett Kavanaugh's turn to testify, he forcefully proclaimed his innocence as Kamala The Great Whore Harris smirked and rolled her eyes. 

I understand that his darling, angelic daughters are praying for his accusers. 

Now, wishy-washy RINO Senator Jeff Flake wants the F.B.I. to investigate this silliness. He thinks that Judge Kavanaugh was being a real meanie to his accusers by showing anger. I think that his soul is possessed by the ghost of John McCain.

Let's remember what this is all about. Pro-abortion activists will do absolutely ANYTHING to stop the confirmation of highly qualified Judge Brett Kavanaugh, and they would destroy him AND his family as a warning to all conservatives. 

Stay out, Godly Conservatives, DC belongs to us!

God Bless.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

When They Go Low, We Go High

Former First Lady Michelle Obama once said 'When they go low, we go high.' I think what she REALLY meant was...........:

When a Republican plays softball, one of our supporters shoots and almost kills him.

When a Republican nominates a man for the Supreme Court, we make baseless, vicious, phony charges against him and try to force him to withdraw his nomination.

When a Republican tries to take his wife out for dinner, we harass them until they leave the restaurant. When two conservatives go out for some coffee, we harass them.

When an outsider dares to win a presidential election, we create a phony dossier, use the cable news channels to spread fake news against him, corrupt the F.B.I., and try to destroy him as well as his family.

When our enemies assemble, we send our psychotic supporters to physically assault them.

Just remember, When they go low, we go high!






Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Adios Nike Pendejos (Zac Brown Band Song Parody Alert)

I got an In-n-Out burger, and some Chick Fil-A
I got Adidas on my feet,
I threw my Nike's away
Life is good today. Life is good today.

Adios, Nike Pendejos
I've change my shoe brand today
Kaepernick kneels, so Nike gave him a new deal
He needs to just go away

Adios, Nike Pendejos
I changed my shoe brand today
He has got rich, but all Screech does is bitch
Because no team wants to sign him to play



Monday, September 3, 2018

Hank Hill: Has Minnesota Lost It's Mind?

A man in Texas sent us this:

My name is Hank Hill, and I live in a small town in Texas. I work at a place where we sell propane and propane accessories.

Like many people, I am concerned about the upcoming election. I read in the newspaper that voters in Minnesota are thinking about electing Keith Ellison for their state's Attorney General. I hear that he has physically abused his former girlfriend, yet Democrats voted for him anyways.

He was one of the most extreme, leftist members in Congress, and he has stated that he wanted to do away with the Second Amendment, which protects our right to keep and bear arms. That guy just ain't right.

My neighbor Dale is a conspiracy nut, and he told me about Ellison. I did some research and learned that Dale was RIGHT. I also learned that Ellison supports AntiFa. Those violent, commie bastards go around beating normal people up while wearing black masks. 

Has Minnesota lost it's mind?

In the past, you have elected a professional wrestler, a trust fund brat who mumbles almost as incoherently as my neighbor Boomhauer, and a coke head comedian. Now, I hear you night elect an abusive Muslimist boyfriend as your state's Attorney General. God help us all!

Hoping to take Ellison's place as Representative in Minnesota Congressional District 5 is another Muslim. Her name is Ilhan Omar.

I've been reading up on her numerous ethical lapses. Apparently, she married her own brother to keep him in the country, then used campaign funds during the 'divorce.' She despises our friends Israel, and wants sharia law.

Maybe she should've stayed home where they already have sharia law. I wonder what's in the water in those 10,000 lakes.....

The minister at our local church is from Minnesota. She's very friendly, but I think she would erase the boundaries that separate us from our neighbors to the South. I think she supports 'sanctuary cities,' I would like to have a sanctuary from foreign whack-jobs like ultra-violent MS13 and America-haters running for Congress.

I think that Minnesota can do better than Keith Ellison and Ilhan Omar.

Hank Hill, Arlen Texas.







Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Ralphie Wiggum: I Support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!!!!

Two months ago, political upstart Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pulled off an upset victory in New York's 14th District Democrat primary, defeating State Representative Joe Crowley. Here to comment is our friend from Springfield Elementary School, Ralphie Wiggum.

YAY!!!!

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (My mouth is tired after saying her name!) shocked the political world by defeating political insider Joe Crowley. She will face a Republican meanie in November, and hopefully will represent New York's 14th congressional district.

Her eyes are very wide and big, so I'm sure she sees the big picture better than most people. She also has a very pretty smile, so I believe that she is nicer than her opponents,

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a socialist, which is nice. We should strive to be more sociable. 

She wants to share our wealth, which is important. Sharing is nice. She also wants to reunite those kids taken away from their parents on the border by Trump, the orange meanie. 

All the poor people should be allowed to come to America without having to climb over a wall. It's not fair that we have all the money and food, so I hope that someday we can just open the border to everyone.

With Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in Congress, I hope that America will become more like Venezuela. I hear there's free health care and college there.

She also wants Israel to share their country with the Palestinians. Those Jews are bullies, and Casio wants to give their neighbors a home. Many people think that's unpossible, but I believe it can be done!

I hope that you'll vote for her. Some nice Democrats came to my elementary school to get us registered to vote, so I hope to see you at the polls on Election Day!

May the state bless you!


Ralphie