Monday, March 2, 2015

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

If you want to just disappear, you COULD take a cruise. But if you don't want to spend a lot of money, we have just three words for you:

Chicago's Homan Square....

Yes, this is the place where you can go to get away from it all. This high-security black-ops hotel in the heart of 0bama's hometown has PLENTY of police security.

You don't even need to make a reservation. Just spend just a few days here, and you might find it HARD TO LEAVE.

So, come on down to Homan Square, and disappear like a Benghazi survivor!

That's Homan Square..............








Thursday, February 26, 2015

RSR Exclusive: VP Biden Moonlighting As A Massage Therapist

Last year, Virginia Democrat Jim Moran complained about the inadequate pay for members of Congress. In a related story, RSR has uncovered some shocking news, learning that Vice President Joe Biden has had to take a second job.

We have discovered that our goofy VP has been moonlighting as a massage therapist.

The White House Press Corps were meeting with brand new Secretary of Defense, Ash Carter, and as the new member of the 0bama administration was speaking, Biden began giving the new Defense Secretary's wife Stephanie a massage.

Many in the alternative news media saw this as the creepy Vice-President groping the seemingly annoyed woman, but only The RedSquirrel Report dug a little deeper to find the REAL story.

It appears that there are many photos of  our 'hands on' Vice President doing this to many women, but as it turns out, they are just customers.

So, back off,  alternative media meanies. The Vice President has every right to make a living.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Maybe Marie's Been Harfing Paint Thinner

State Department Spokesperson Marie Harf recently stated that we can't win the war against ISIS by killing them. She went on to say that the reason they kill, behead, and enslave others is because they lack jobs. Twitter exploded with mockery, and she responded by saying that many people don't posses a nuanced enough understanding of this situation.

There are others who believe she's been harfing paint thinner.

We invited Ms. Harf to explain the nuances of dealing with this dangerous, barbaric enemy. Take it away:

Thank you, Mr. Squirrel. As I stated earlier, we cannot win this war by killing our enemies. We should begin by giving these victims of American aggression a new pony. When they round their victims up, behead them, or stick them in cages and burn them alive, they are merely expressing righteous anger against The Great Satan.

And who are we to judge them? Christians should get off their high horse, because 'people of the cross' are responsible for their own injustices against people with different beliefs. 

Can you say 'The Crusades?'

Also, young men join ISIS because there's a terrible lack of job opportunities in that part of the world. What is needed is a job fair. Instead of sending military advisers, we should be sending employment advisers, so that these poor people can empower themselves.

Excuse me, I'm feeling dizzy. Just give me a moment. I'm fine now.

The Obama Administration is working very hard to show them that America doesn't hate them. We have been purging the military of hateful generals, and also we are filling our administration with members of the Muslim Brotherhood. 

If we just show them that we're on their side, they will stop beheading their enemies. 

Thank you.

 


Thursday, February 19, 2015

Here's A Gallery Of Losers Who Never Graduated From College

It was suddenly discovered that Wisconsin Governor and 2016 presidential front-runner Scott Walker didn't graduate from college. When our political enemies aren't robbing taxpayers blind or trying to hide their numerous crimes and scandals from the people, they look for another lame excuse to badmouth their opponents.

These nabobs don't care if Scott Walker graduated from college. They hate him because they fear him, and they fear him because he is proving that you can turn a state around by getting the government off the taxpayer's back. These thieves also hate him because he is doing well in recent polls.

By the way, Here's a gallery of other losers who never graduated from college:






Father of our Country










Arguably, Our Greatest President.









That Guy from Apple









The King of Talk








This Nerd didn't graduate from college either. So there.

Is 0bama Having A Psychotic Meltdown?

As Americans are being be-headed by bloodthirsty Islamic terrorists, our 6-year-old President is taking selfies in the Oval Office and making faces in the mirror for Buzzfeed. While People are being burned alive, this malignant narcissist responds by shooting 18 more holes of golf. It seems as if he enjoys poking the American people with a sharp stick. It's almost sadistic.

In 2012, he successfully stole the presidential election, and keeps reminding us that 'he won the election'. The Alinskiite creep behaves like an obnoxious 9-year-old bully, sticking his tongue out at us while the playground monitor's back is turned.

During the campaign of 2008, low-information voters watched in awe as Barry told us that he will 'lower the sea levels'. They believed he was The Messiah, while many of us saw a maniac having a psychotic meltdown.

Last week, the president made a weird speech at the National Prayer Breakfast, where he lectured Christians for The Crusades. He has replaced our Generals with pro-Islamic yes men, and trafficked diseased illegal aliens all over the country. His lust for power is sickening.

This author of lies race-baits and bad-mouths America incessantly. Everything he knows he learned in Islamic madrases, from psychotic racist Jeremiah Wright, and his communist parents, grandparents, teachers, and associates.

There's something terribly wrong when the sociopath president cannot feel empathy for all the lives he has ruined. He has charmed and brainwashed his dumb supporters, who probably still blame The Republicans for cancelling their health plans.

The world is burning, and King Nero fiddles with his selfie stick. An astronaut dies, and he takes a selfie. A congressman dies, and he takes a selfie. He even has a selfie version of The Stars and Stripes. His likeness is literally everywhere. Teachers teach little skulls full of mush The Barack Hussein Obama, mmmm....mmmm....mmmm song, and he sees nothing wrong with it. If I was The President and heard teachers doing this, I tell them to stop it because Normal Americans don't worship their politicians.

But Dear Leader sees nothing wrong with it.

It is doubtful if Congress will ever impeach and remove him from office because they are almost as crazy and removed from reality as he is. We should have them all committed.



Monday, February 16, 2015

Our Resident Expert Clears Up A Few Things

The RedSquirrel Report welcomes our resident expert on everything, History Professor Walter Turgeson, to give us his take on current events:


Thanks, Red.

President Obama has stated that ISIS is NOT Islamic. OH, STOP LYING, YOU LOUSY SACK OF SH..! WHAT DO YOU THINK THE 'I' IN ISIS STANDS FOR?

REPEAT AFTER ME, BARRY. ISIS IS ISLAMIC. SAY IT!!!! SAY IT!!!!!!!

Another story in the news involves The Rolling Stone Magazine's story of rape at The University of Virginia. LIARS!!!!FRAUD!!!!

I HOPE UVA HIRES A REALLY MEAN LAWYER, AND SUES THEIR SLANDEROUS ASSES OFF!!!!

Then there's that repulsive sow Lena Dunham falsely accusing 'Barry the Republican' of raping her.

UH.....OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! LIAR!!! WITCH!!!! YOU TRIED TO WRECK AN INNOCENT MAN'S LIFE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???....YOU MALADJUSTED WEIRDO!!!

Thank you, Professor Turgeson. Please, put down the desk.




Friday, February 13, 2015

Condescending Wonka Reports From The 2015 Grammy Awards

Our correspondent Condescending Wonka filed this report from the 57th Annual Grammy Awards:

ACDC started the show with a rousing double shot of Rock Or Bust and Highway To Hell. Frankly, I haven't seen this many devil horns since I covered The Democratic National Convention in 2012.

Jeff Lynne performed the E.L.O. classic, Mr. Blue Sky, while many of the rappers in the auditorium appeared puzzled. Many of them have never heard real music before.

56-year-old Madonna arrived dressed as a kinky matador. Last year, she came as the man on the Quaker Oats box. She mooned everybody on the red carpet, showing off her 56-year-old ass.

Dear Hollywood, I have an idea for your next horror movie. The working title is The 56-Year-old Ass.

Beck won the Album Of The Year Award, but our friend Kanye West tried to crash his acceptance speech. Apparently, he wanted to deliver a victory speech for nominee Beyonce. Perhaps if he complained enough, The Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences would overturn the result. I hope that Kanye's mommy found his pacifier.

Maybe Kanye could organize a recall election, and strip Beck of the Grammy Award. It's a complete injustice when a White artist who can play 14 instruments wins over a Black singer who needs only 4 songwriters to write her hit song. Black Lives Matter!!!

Of course, Our Dear Leader President Obama made a videotaped appearance, speaking up against domestic abuse. He looked like a malaria victim, sweating profusely. Did he have a fight with FLOTUS? Maybe he was in the White House weight room, power-lifting 2lb weights.

As the president spoke, Chris Brown lowered his head and blushed.

The big winner was Tom Petty. As Grammy-winning new-comer Sam Smith sang 'Stay With Me' with Mary J. Blige, I heard people seated in the cheap seats sing 'I Won't Back Down.'

This is Condescending Wonka from The 57th Annual Grammy Awards. Back to you, Red.