Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Obama's Teary-Eyed Farewell Speech

'We did it! Well, actually I DID IT!

Somehow, I sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, committed treason against America too many times to count, and ignored the separation of powers....and avoided prosecution for a myriad of crimes against the American People!

A week before I was elected president, I vowed to 'fundamentally transform' this racist, unjust nation, and promised 'hope and change'. It's not FAIR that The United States flaunt her affluence, power, and freedom, so I knocked this country down a few pegs. I ran this government like a third-world dictatorship!

I am proud that under my rule race relations has greatly improved. Now, Black Americans can exercise their right to engage in 'The Knock-out Game' all over the fruited plain and jump all over police cars. However, our battle continues. Soon, White Americans will pay reparations for slavery! I may not get to the promised land....or maybe I might!

We remember the 'gentle giant' Michael Brown and murder victim Trayvon Martin. They remind us that this country still has a long way to go when it comes to race relations.

We will not ever be treated equal until we nationalize the police.  I regret that I was never able to have my fully-functioning 'National Civilian Security Force'. Adolf Hitler had his Gestapo, but he was White.

It's just not fair.........

I tried to bring 'sensible' gun control to this racist nation, but those maniacs at The National Rifle Association obstructed my efforts. Hopefully, my friends at the UN can do something about gun violence in this country.

However, I brought affordable health care to all Americans, undocumented immigrants, and Syrian migrants alike. I promised the American People that 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor', but that right-wing gasbag Rush Limbaugh and obstructionist Republicans in Congress stopped me from fully fulfilling that promise.

(sniff) I just realized that on January 20 you pitiful Americans will no longer have me as your President. Do not worry, for I am setting up my shadow government to keep the orange man in check.....unless he indicts me and most of my inner circle first.

That brings me to my former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. I believe that she was cheated out of the presidency by Vladimir Putin and his hackers. We will need an army of 'community organizers' to riot and harass the illegitimate president-elect until he resigns from office and Hillary is installed as the rightful puppet....i mean....president.

But I say this to you (sniff)...

Don't be discouraged. When they go low, we go high. We Democrats are born to rule, tax, and punish the other side. We are the party of the Obama phone and generous welfare benefits. We are the party of the rigged voter machine. We are the party of Hollywood, CNN, undocumented 'dreamers' and CAIR!

And speaking of undocumented 'dreamers', let me tell you about 'another dreamer.'  The Reverend Martin Luther King said, 'I have a dream.' His dream is our dream! Let's make it happen!!!

Aztlan Now! Allahu Akbar!!!!

That's my time (sniff)!!!!

Our 6-year-old President Gives Himself A Shiny Medal

Oh, this just in:

Now, our six-rear-old president is giving his Vice-President a shiny medal.....

News You Can Use

Today, The RedSquirrel Report issues this media warning to viewers of CNN.

Our team of media scientists worked with human test subjects, and monitored them as they watched several cable news programs. According to these tests, we discovered that listening to CNN panelist Symone Sanders for just 1 minute destroys an average of 1,985,345 brain cells.

The level of brain damage spikes wildly after our test subjects hear Ms. Sanders spout numerous, extra-ridiculous remarks, such as her assertion that President-elect Donald Trump's slogan Make America Great Again 'takes us back to a time when we were in slavery.'

Our test subjects lost as much as 400,543 brain cells in the 2 seconds it took for Sanders to make that insane quip.

When 4 Black youths kidnapped and repeatedly assaulted a disabled White man in Chicago and screamed 'Fuck White people', Ms. Sanders blamed the President-elect for the attack. Our test subjects lost almost 4 million brain cells.

The RedSquirrel Report will stay on this important story. You're welcome.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017




Monday, January 2, 2017

Jackie Evancho's Manager: You Anti-Trump Weirdos Are Marketing Geniuses!

Ultra-talented 16-year-old singer Jackie Evancho is being bullied and threatened simply because she has agreed to perform at Donald Trump's inauguration. As a result, The Intolerant Left has made the singer the most-talked about entertainer in America.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that her management should at least send Evancho detractors a thank you note:

Dear anti-Trump Showbiz bullies,

You guys are marketing geniuses!! Because of your mean-spirited attacks on Miss Evancho, we at Team Evancho have experienced an amazing increase in CD sales and song downloads! She was already topping the charts, but now business is skyrocketing. People everywhere are discovering her music because you anti-Trump whackjobs can't control your insane hatred for the president-elect. Thank God for our enemies.

Keep it up, jack-asses. At this rate, she will outsell The Beatles.

Thank you

Team Evancho

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Some Predictions For 2017

Unhinged Democrats in Congress will try to impeach President-elect Donald Trump before he takes office.

During Donald Trump's first week in office the unemployment rate will mysteriously double.

There will be a remake of the 1985 teen comedy, Weird Science. In the 2017 version, two nerds use their computer to create the perfect woman. She gets a job as a FOXNEWS anchor.

Mexican President Enrique Nieto offers to pay for the wall after realizing that former President Obama has brought all of Mexico's criminals and most of the world's jihadists into America.

President Donald Trump turns Guantanamo Bay Detention Center into a prison for former President Obama's administration officials.

The Chicago Cubs will win back-to-back World Series, and Barack Obama will somehow make it about himself.

Friday, December 30, 2016

An RSR Exclusive: Our Six-Year-Old President's Bucket List

Our petulant, lame-duck president is scheduled to leave the White House on January 20, but that doesn't mean he can't still do a lot of damage on his way out.

In an RSR Exclusive, we have uncovered the president's bucket list of outrageous executive orders he will issue before he is physically removed from the White House:

10. Start a war with Russia

  9. Announce Palestinian nation.

  8. Have a big going away party at the White House on January 19, and trash the joint.

  7. Announce a new 20% dhimmi tax on pork products.

  6. Declare a caliphate in America.

  5. Give the UN power to regulate gun ownership in the United States.

  4. Announce that the B. Hussein Obama Presidential Library will be built at the site of The soon-to-be-torn-down Ronald Wilson Reagan Library.

  3. Strip all Christian churches of their tax-exempt status.

  2. Presidential pardons for Bowe Bergdahl and Charles Manson.

  1. Close Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp, and let the remaining inmates loose.