Monday, April 20, 2015

The President's 4/20 Day Address To America

MY FELLOW POT-HEADS


HAPPY 4/20 DAY,



 From The Obama White House

Sen. Ted Cruz Announces Candidacy. Leftists Freak Out

When Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced his presidential candidacy, our pollster Herald was in a room with Democrat operatives. We wanted to see how they would react to his speech.

When Cruz mentioned God, about 40% of their heads spun like Linda Blair's head, only much fasterTheir spinning heads made a whirring sound.

About 20% reacted as if a bucket of holy water had been thrown in their face. Of that 20%, about half of them began to melt and scream like the wicked witch of the West from The Wizard Of Oz, after Dorothy accidently dumped water on her.

Herald had to duck the projectile vomiting, as the remaining 40% showed their displeasure.

When Cruz mentioned The Constitution or laws, about 80% of the Democrat operatives laughed derisively, sounding almost like that scene in Gremlins, where the little monsters are all the in movie theater laughing at Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.

When the candidate mentioned Cuba and His Family, 50% of the Democrats folded their arms and rolled their eyes in unison.

After Cruz's announcement, Herald called an exorcist.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Chuck Todd Is Excited. Chloe Is Confused

This week, Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her candidacy for president on Twitter, saying:

I am running for president. Everyday Americans need a champion, and I want to be that champion.'

I wonder if she thought of Chris Stevens as an 'everyday American.' How about all the women she has abused over the years as head of the 'Bimbo Eruptions' team? I don't remember Hillary ever being Juanita Broaddrick's champion.

Hillary is touring the state of Iowa this week in her black 'Scooby' van, and are the Obama press fanboys excited! No one's more excited than NBC's Chuck Todd. He's been following the big, black van....literally like a lapdog, stopping traffic and handing out Hillary 4 President bumper stickers.

Our RSR correspondent is covering the hubbub surrounding The Hillary campaign, and found one startled Mom and her puzzled 6-year old daughter. We asked them what they thought about Hillary's campaign. The woman said this:

Wow! The man just jumped in front of the mini-van, and handed me a bunch of Hillary bumper stickers, campaign literature, and stuff. I thought for a second there he was going to kidnap me and my daughter. I recognized him from the TV.

The young Mom turned around, and asked her daughter if she was also excited about Hillary.

'Chloe?............' 

'Chloe?............'

 


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Our Roving Eye In DC Spotted The Treyminator

Today, our roving eye in DC spotted Representative Trey Gowdy (R-SC), aka 'The Treyminator.'


At The Easter Prayer Breakfast, Obama Serves Up Anti-Christian Criticism

On Sunday, the president attended The Easter Prayer Breakfast, and made these remarks:

Hey, when my event planner told me about this Easter Prayer Breakfast, I was under the impression that all the attendees would be praying TO ME. I didn't know that I would be called upon to talk about my faith.

On Easter, I do reflect on the fact that as a Christian, I am supposed to love. And I have to say that sometimes when I listen to 'less-than-loving' expressions by Christians, I have to just say to myself that I forgive them. After all, I am The Messiah.

These Christians should be more like my teacher, The Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

As for me. I 'love' my enemies. I want that White Hispanic heretic George Zimmerman crucified. I also want Officer Darren Wilson crucified, as well as that guy from Mozilla....and also, the owners of that pizza parlor in Indiana. Oh Hell, crucify ALL my critics, especially the Tea Party.

I would like everyone to bow your heads in prayer, and ask the mainstream media gods to resurrect my sagging job-approval poll numbers. So it is written, so shall it be done.

Personally, I showed my Christian love for all you dumb. little rubes by cancelling all your health plans, and using Obamacare as a method for voter fraud and a great, big giveaway to illegal immigrants. Blessed are the poor illegals, for they shall inherit my fundamentally-transformed America.

They say that we are to 'love our enemies.' That's why I gave arms to The Muslim Brotherhood, then tried to steal the election in Israel. Go forth, and get cozy with your enemies, and alienate your allies.

Someday I may address the horrors of ISIL, as they behead, kill, and sell slaves all over Africa and The Middle East....but the greater evil is pizza parlors who won't cater same-sex weddings.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gotta go find my selfie stick, an' take some pictures of  The One I love most......ME!

Allahu Akbar!



Our Special Correspondent Reports From Indiana

As Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the new Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law, the Hoosier State's Gaystapo immediately began threatening Christian businesses.

Lesbian gym teacher Jess Dooley made a terroristic threat against The Memories Pizza parlor, and they had to close shop after receiving several death threats.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report thought that we would ask a normal, everyday Hoosier what he thinks of all this, so we asked college student Axl Heck, who files this report:

OMYGOD, these protesters are so GAY!  This boycott stuff is for nut-job douches. So, like....these Christians who own this pizza parlor doesn't want to cater to same-sex weddings, although they'll serve a pizza to anybody.

It looks like these gays are just targeting Christians. Besides, who in their right mind wants pizza at a wedding reception?

I'm no lawyer, but I heard all this law says is that EVERYBODY has standing in a court of law. If you don't want to serve somebody based on your deeply held beliefs, you can't be forced to serve them.

If you're a Jewish baker, a Nazi can't force you to bake a cake with a swastika on it. If you're gay, The Westboner Baptists can't force you to bake a cake that reads 'God hates gays.'

You have a right to not be forced to violate your personal beliefs, even if somebody else thinks it's dumb.  

OTHER STATES are getting into this boycott douchebaggery! Governor Moonbeam from California will not do business with Indiana! Remember when 0bama told us he would bring us all together? It looks like these maniacs have EVERYBODY at each other's throats.

Then, there's that unhinged Lesbo gym teacher who went and threatened to BURN DOWN that pizza parlor. What is this? 1930's Germany?

God, what's next? If this boycott on Indiana doesn't work, will these power-hungry jerk-offs resort to blockades? These liberals are such CONTROL FREAKS!

Dial it back, everybody!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

An RSR Exclusive: A Conversation With The Treadmill That Attacked Harry Reid

On New Year's Day, former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was 'attacked' by an 'exercise treadmill', and to many, this incident looked a little suspicious. Reid suffered a deep gash in his eye, and his face suffered several bruises.

There is a story going around that he was meeting with 'certain associates' which may or may not have been tied to the mob. As the story goes, he was at this Las Vegas meeting to apologize to them for failing to bring home come legislative pork.

His constituents didn't take it well.

Our correspondent asked around, and got to meet the 'exercise treadmill' in question. He spoke to him/it, who referred to himself/intself as 'Vinny,'

According to 'Vinny', Senator Reid promised a 'certain project' as a pay-off for political contributions. When Reid failed to 'deliver', it was then he suffered his 'exercise-related injuries.'

At the end of this short conversation with 'Vinny', he/it wished the retiring Senator a 'happy retirement.'