Tuesday, July 5, 2016

THIS JUST IN: FBI BOUGHT BY THE CLINTON FOUNDATION


Obama: No One's More Qualified Than Hillary


Recently, the current occupant of the White House said of presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, 'I don't think there's ever been someone so qualified to hold this office'.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent is still trying to wrap his mind around the insanity of that statement, although I'm not surprised. Mr. Obama insults Normal, intelligent Americans on almost an hourly basis.

He can't really believe that Hillary Clinton is the most qualified person to ever run for the American presidency. Let's not even bother to count our founding fathers or the great Americans throughout our history who could have been fine presidents.

Let's conduct a mental excercise. Imagine that I have a super-computer and a list of every American alive right now. It's 2:30 CST on July 5, 2016. The U.S. population is 324,154,695.

Now, I feed my my super-computer with the names of every American, along with their basic information, including work experience, education info, political affiliation(s), as well as data relating to their writings on social media. I also tell the computer to rank people I agree with and share common values higher on my list.

With all this data, my super-computer spits out a Power Rankings List Of  The Presidential Qualifications Of Every Living American Right Now. Every American, ranked from #1 all the way down to #324,154,695. These are my hypothetical findings:

At #1-100, there's a lot of my favorite Governors and ex-Governors, like former Texas Governor Rick Perry and current Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Even Jeb Bush is in my top 100. Texas Senator Ted Cruz hovers around in the top 10. Donald Trump isn't anywhere in the top 100. Oh, waitaminnut, yes he is. He shoots up to #5 after making a speech about illegal aliens, then slips down after calling Ted Cruz a liar.

At #101-1000, I find many terrific Republican state legislators serving across the country. Elect them to a few terms, and they'll crack the top 100. Also, talk radio faves Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin are at #108 and #154 respectively.

At #1000-50,000, I find a lot of good, solid conservatives, many of whom I follow on Twitter.

At #50,000-58,167,000, here I find basically anyone who voted for Mitt Romney in 2012. These are Americans with enough wisdom to have voted against Barack Obama.

At #59,000,000-#100,000,000, here I find a lot of people who distrust government and don't vote. They work, and hang out with their friends afterwards.

Still, no sign of Hillary.

At #100,000,001-200,000,000, here I find a lot of blue-dog Democrats and government employees. There's also many present and former prison convicts here.

At #200,000,001-300,000,000, there are a lot of people on welfare. They wait for the beginning of the month, and love their Obama phones. Their kids are in prison, in a gang, or dead.

Finally, at #300,000,001-324,154.695, we have the absolute least qualified. Barack Obama is ranked at 324,154,517. The only reason he isn't ranked lower is because he is already the current occupant of the White House and so far he hasn't burned it down.

It's quite safe to say that America is living under a kakistocracy.

Hillary Clinton is ranked at 324,154,480. On paper, she appears quite qualified as a former U.S. Senator and Secretary of State. However, when you factor in severe ethic lapses, corruption, and even treason, she is literally disqualified.

Bernie Madoff is ranked 324,100,795 and he's in prison.

There are people in comas right now that I would vote for before I'd vote for Hillary. They're do far less damage to this country.

They are more qualified than Hillary Clinton.



Monday, July 4, 2016

The President Wishes America A Happy Fourth Of July


On behalf of Myself, wife Michelle, Attorney General Loretta Lynch, and everyone at the Obama White House....

We wish The American People a Happy Fourth of July.

Allahu Akbar.

P.S.-The Fourth of July Picnic honoring our vets is cancelled. Nyaahhh!!!

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Red Forman: Obama Happens......

Our correspondent Red Forman returns with this commentary:

My conservative friends ask me "Red, how did we get where we are today? There's a clown in the White House who hates America, and GOP cowards in the majority who won't stand up for us?" 

I don't spend a lot of time really thinking about it. I spend most of my time keeping my idiot son Eric out of trouble, and worrying about my darling daughter Laurie. She flunked out of college last month.

Usually, I just shrug my shoulders and say 'Shit happens.' Lately, I've replace that with "Obama happens." Maybe Eric and his friends can print up some t-shirts.

Then, the guys ask me HOW did Obama happen? Well, there's a lot of ingredients in this crap stew, and lots of blame to go around.

There's our race-obsessed media, political correctness, and college universities that make it trendy to blame America for all the evils in the world.

There's the generation of spoiled, ungrateful, arrogant baby boomer hippies who ruined this country. They don't see themselves as Americans, but 'citizens of the world.' When Obama told us he was going to 'fundamentally transform' America, they saw it as a good thing. They don't care if he transforms America into a country overran by Muslim troublemakers, illegal aliens, and dependent welfare recipients.

These self-centered snowflakes wanted to make history by voting for The Black Guy. It didn't matter how much he detested our country.

These grey-haired children want to see a world without borders, and agree with Dear Leader when he tells hard-working Americans 'You didn't build that.' When you can successfully denigrate the makers in our society, you can steal whatever you want by voting for it.

And, worse of all, we have an opposition intimidated into silence. Obama and his little helpers rob you, and transport illegals who murder innocent Americans, spread diseases and bring chaos. Then these 'community organizers' accuse you of being a racist for opposing it.

That's how Obama happens.........




Monday, June 27, 2016

Democrats Have A Hissy Fit

Following the mass murder at Orlando's Pulse Nightclub by Muslim extremist Omar Mateen, Congressional Democrats thought the time was right to pass some anti-gun legislation. They tried to get pro-Constitutional Republicans to join them, but failed.

Georgia Democrat John Lewis and his little friends decided that since they couldn't get what they wanted, these elected officials would behave like the brat in the grocery store. When mommy refuses to buy some candy, brats terrorize mommy by having a great big hissy fit.

These brats embarrassed the country in much the same way a bratty child in the grocery store embarrasses mommy.

The Democrat Children staged a sit-in, making the House of Representatives look more like a romper room. The freedom-stealing Dems placed their fat bottoms on the carpeting, while Republicans refused to play their game. Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that Speaker Paul Ryan should have stuck great big pacifiers in their mouths, or sent them off to their room without supper.

The sit-in was reminiscent of the Occupy Wall Street protests, though no one we know has seen any Democrat Representatives taking a dump on any police cars. Not yet, anyway.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

And Now, A Message From The Office Of Our Pathological Liar AG

Well, they released most of the 911 call that Orlando mass-murderer Omar Mateen made while he was carrying out his mission.

He obviously was quite fond of ISIS, and wanted everyone to know that he was an adherent to the religion of peace who practiced it in the most violent way imaginable. Barack Obama's Attorney General Loretta Lynch thought that it was best that she would hide the portion of the shooter's call where he told the police that he was indeed a Muslim carrying out jihad.

Our 6-year-old president wants to take this evil deed done by Mateen and blame it on Republicans, The NRA, and gun-owning, law-abiding Americans. Once again, our power-drunk anti-American dictator is using murdered Americans to push for anti-gun legislation. It's as if  he sees murdered Americans as broken eggs for his omelette of gun control and a more centralized power.

Human suffering bores him. What excites him is using human suffering to feed his extreme lust for power.

Obama and Lynch don't seem to go out among the people much, thinking that their lies aren't going to be seen by normal Americans. These pathological liars deny that Mateen is a hateful, blood-thirsty jihadist. It's incredible that we have people like this running our country.

They'd have more credibility if they hired Tommy Flanagan from The Pathological Liars of America to be the AG spokesman:

Hello, this is Tommy Flanagan, Spokesman for Attorney General Loretta Lynch. In fact, I'm THE PRESIDENT of the Attorney General's office!

As you know, Omar Mateen murdered 49 Americans at The Pulse Nightclub in Orlando. It was a gay nightclub, but Omar didn't know he was murdering gays. We are releasing the 911 calls he made while murdering these people.

Mateen said he was carrying out a jihad, which is a kind of violence that gun-carrying, hateful LUTHERANS commit.....Yeah, that's the ticket!

Also, REPUBLICANS OWN GUNS!!!! BLAME THEM!!!!

Evil conservatives don't believe in same-sex marriage.....WHICH IS WHY OMAR THE LUTHERAN MURDERED ALL THOSE GAY PEOPLE!!!!

So, in closing, I want to pass on a message from our wonderful Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

#DisarmHate!!!!

Thank you.

Tommy Flanagan, Spokesman for Attorney General Loretta Lynch


Our Resident Expert Addresses The Mass Murder In Orlando

In the worst mass-shooting in this country's history, violent Muslim extremist Omar Mateen murdered 49 Americans and seriously wounded 50 more at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando. The Obama regime is still denying the fact that the killer praised Allah during his murder spree, and that the murderer considered himself a soldier for jihad.

So, we asked our expert on everything, Professor Walter Turgeson, to comment:


Thanks, Red.

So, our nine-year-old president and our friends at CNN still don't want to admit that Omar Mateen was a violent, militant Muslim jihadist who hated gays AND Americans. These leftist clowns are still blaming the gun(s) that he used in this evil act.

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Obama and the rest of these dummkopfs MAKE ME SICK!!!

Get your heads out of your asses, you brain-dead denialists! Muteen was a violent, hateful Muslim Extremist!!! SAY IT!!!!! SAY IT!!!!!