Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Pajama Boy Comments On The Election

Three weeks ago, America spoke, and elected a new President. Billionaire real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald Trump won in a big electoral landslide. We welcome our new correspondent, known to America as Pajama Boy, to comment on the election.

Thank you, RedSquirrel Report.

As I watched that wretched racist, sexist, homophobe Donald Trump steal the election from the comfort of my pillow fort, I cried just like those poor, despondent Hillary supporters on TV. I saw America destroyed as my man-crush Rachel Maddow delivered the awful news:

'We are in Hell. Donald Trump has been elected the 45th President of the United States.'

I could barely hold on to my cup of hot cocoa (with both hands) as Hillary's blue wall of Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin came crashing down. It was almost as if Republican terrorists were bombing my Mom's house!

Then I watched all the anti-Trump protests on TV, and some Trump voters get a well-deserved beat down by upset Hillary supporters. I don't support the beating of Trump-supporters, but I understand it.

Right now, I'm so afraid! What will happen to America with this maniac in the Oval Office? Women who have abortions will be rounded up and thrown in Trump's gulags! Also, Trump will break up millions of Mexican families! 

What will happen to Obamacare? I'm almost losing my mind thinking about it!

If I go into a girl's bathroom, will Trump send his secret police to arrest me? You have to excuse me. I THINK I'M HYPER-VENTILATING WITH FEAR!!!

On the other hand, I am hopeful that Dr. Jill Stein, Green Party candidate, can overturn this rigged travesty. I asked my Mom to contribute to her recount effort.

Well, that's all for now. I think I'll go upstairs and ask my Mom to heat up some more milk.

Pajama Boy.

Green Day Anti-Trump Song Parody Alert

Do you have the time
To hear us cry and whine
about that racist sexist homophobic Trump?
There are millions of melodramatic fools
who bitch about broken rules
Hating Trump is cool

America is on the brink
Let's burn the kitchen sink
The votes they tallied up
wasn't quite enough
And now we are gonna burn your business down!

We don't want to think
We just know that Trump's a dink
Hillary lost and that's bringing us down
They did it to Al Gore
We'll burn down your store
We love Common Core
We know the election was rigged!

Russian hackers stole it for Trump
We are so down in the dumps
The votes they tallied up
wasn't quite enough
Trump is a Nazi...We demand a re-count!

We are so butt-hurt.....
The electoral college has got to go....

An RSR Exclusive: A Report From Hillary Campaign Headquarters

On Election Night, we had a special correspondent at Hillary Clinton Campaign Headquarters. This timeline is what he saw:

At 5:00 p.m., the candidate is upbeat, and her campaign staff  has uncorked the champagne.

At 7:00 p.m., some numbers are dribbling in, and an already angry Hillary has cancelled the celebratory fireworks.

At 9:30 p.m., Florida has gone to the opponent. Hillary berates campaign spokesman Robbie Mook.

At 11:00 p.m., Hillary's blue wall begins to crumble. Pennsylvania is uncomfortably close, and Ohio is gone.

At 12 midnight, Hillary has been drinking heavily. As the electoral map turns red, she gets up from the couch and screams at campaign director John Podesta, yelling:


At 12:30 a.m., Clinton physically attacks Podesta. Several staffers restrain her, and her on-site doctor gives her a sedative.

At 1:00 a.m., Pennsylvania goes red. Clinton sends Podesta out to speak to her supporters.

At 2:00 a.m., Clinton falls asleep in a drunken stuper. Trump is declared the winner.

At 2:30 a.m., An unidentified Hillary Clinton voice impressionist with the campaign calls President-elect Trump to concede the election.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Red Forman's Message For Hillary Clinton Voters

On November 8, the American people elected Donald Trump president. Supporters of Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton were left in shock, and many became despondent. As her electoral blue wall of Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin crumbled, America watched Hillary's unhinged supporters crying on TV.

Our Election Night correspondent Red Forman files this commentary:

C'mon, all you special little snowflakes. It's about time you get up out of bed. All you pajama boys and girls can't stay frozen in the fetal position forever.

Four years ago, Obama won (or stole) re-election. We who voted against him didn't spend the next two weeks crying over it. We got up the next morning, and went to our jobs while our co-workers gloated.

Your candidate lost. It's time to move on with life. Just repeat after me:

'Donald Trump has been elected, and I'm going to be o.k.'. Good. You can tell yourself that Hillary won the popular vote if you like, but the winning margin came from illegal aliens, dead voters, rigged voting machines, voters illegally voting multiple times, and the leftist welfare state basket case called California.

Most Normal-Americans can't stand Hillary.

Speaking of California, some leftists want to secede from America. Hillary won California by 3.7 millions votes. If they break away from the union, do you Dems think that you have a better chance of winning the presidential election in 2020?

There are the dumb-asses who are 'protesting' the election of president-elect Trump. C'mon. kids, time to grow up. Even my idiot son Eric has moved on. On my Twitter feed, I'm seeing many instances of violence against Trump voters. Some of you need a big foot in your ass. Knock it out.

You were lied to. We were all lied to. The mainstream news media were trying to suppress the anti-Hillary vote. Hillary was over-confident, and Trump out-hustled her.

Now, let's get behind our president-elect.

Friday, November 4, 2016

The Ten Best Reasons To Vote For Hillary Clinton

Election Day is next Tuesday, and Hillary Clinton voters still cannot give an intelligent rationale for their support for her. Many of her supporters say that it's time for a female president, but even that's a lie. Republican candidate Carley Fiorina is a woman, but Hillary supporters would never think about voting for the former Hewlett-Packard exec.

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe in raising the level of discourse. Critical thinking is important, and so is the truth. There ARE many good reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton. Here are the ten best reasons to vote for Hillary Clinton:

10. You believe everything that CNN says.

  9. You feel sorry for everyone caught up in those Wikileak emails and Project Veritas videos.

 8. Your Obamacare premiums aren't HIGH ENOUGH....

 7.  You don't need cheap, plentiful energy because you ride the bus.

 6.  Hillary Clinton stole from Haiti Disaster relief. If she can be that cruel to poor Haitians, imagine what she can do to those annoying right-wingers!

 5.  You also practice satanic rituals, such as spirit cooking.

 4.  You think that Donald Trump is great, big meany.

 3.  You think it's O.K. to raise your neighbors taxes as long as it goes to Muslim refugees and illegal aliens.

 2. Sharia law sounds great.

 1. You don't think there's ENOUGH corruption in The White House.


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Happy Halloween 2016 From The Obama White House

My Fellow Americans,

Happy Halloween, it's the creep in The White House, Barack Hussein Obama.

Our party is already in full swing! Foreign leaders and lobbyists are bobbing for bribes in the Clinton Foundation Room. I've rigged the election, so I'm already letting Hillary move in.

Michelle is harvesting pumpkins from the victory garden, and she'll carve a scary Trump-O-Lantern. Speaking of Trump, our friends at CNN are hanging the Scary Orange Man on the front lawn in effigy.

I'm looking out the window, and I can see The Great Pumpkin. No, that's just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Oh no, those troublemakers James O'Keefe from Project Veritas and Julian Assange from Wikileaks are throwing eggs at my house. I better call AG Loretta Lynch and tell her to arrest them.

First Rapist Bill Clinton has arrived in his giant penis costume. Now, some of our guests have arrived as ISIS fighters. Hey, I think that's Colin Kaepernick. Later, as your kids go trick-or-treating, Me and Hillary will be going door-to-door confiscating your guns.

This party is downright scary, but this is nothing compared with the horrors America will experience after Hillary is coronated! Things will really get freaky when she gets her hands on the Supreme Court, then replace Obamacare with Single Payer!!

Your premiums will make your hair stand on end!

Now Jay-Z and Beyonce have arrived as Black Lives Matter thugs, and there's Hillary's VP pick Tim Kaine as Count Obnoxious....

Oh, and there's MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell in a straight jacket. Waitaminnut, that's not a Halloween costume....and here comes some of Hillary's friends from the UN. It's Like the Star Wars bar room scene!!

We just got some little trick-or-treaters in cute drug lord costumes, so I'm putting toy guns in their sacks....

....At least I think those were toys.....

Well, we should keep this party going until America wises up and votes us out.

Allahu Akbar,

Barack Obama

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Deplorably Yours

Dear Hillary,

You recently made a speech where you insulted about half of the country, calling us deplorable.

You call us racist and sexist, and suggest that we aren't Americans. Honest to God, Hillary, you're a 68-year-old woman, and you sound like a mean 6-year-old brat.

The real reasons why I oppose you are numerous, but here are a few:

You're a dishonest career criminal who acts as if laws do not apply to you. If you believe that you're above the law, I'm going to have a problem supporting you. I don't think it's deplorable to expect our government officials to obey our laws.

You are also incredibly hypocritical. You talk about women's rights, yet accept political contributions from middle eastern governments that practice anti-woman shariah law. The same goes for gay rights and minority rights.

You are a typical, powermad Democrat, willing to give the country away to our enemies as long as it feeds your naked lust for power. You don't believe in changing anybody's mind, so you will just change the voters instead. You want to increase the number of new migrants/voters from Syria by 550%, and you support illegal aliens as long you believe they will vote for you.

Meanwhile, you insult hard-working, honest Americans.

We are being harmed by these policies, and you don't care. As a Deplorable-American, I care more for Katie Steinle and her grieving family than the illegal alien who murdered her. I also care for police officers that you and your former boss Barack Obama frequently attack.

At your convention, you held what looked like a criminal appreciation night as a way to pander to Black voters. What an insult to African-Americans!

Your Clinton Foundation accepted charitable donations for the victims of an earthquake in Haiti, BUT YOU KEPT THE MONEY! HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS SCUMMY?!

I haven't even started on Benghazi or your e-mails. In a sane world, you would be awaiting trial, not running for president. This November, I'm voting for Donald Trump because he's not you.

I would crawl through broken glass to keep you out of the White House.

Deplorably Yours,

Joe Deal, Uppity Peasant