Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Monday, December 8, 2014

St. Louis Rams Players Arrested, Teammates Go On To Beat Raiders 52-0

Before last Sundays' Rams / Raiders match-up in St. Louis, most professional betters had The Rams favored by 10, but then a very interesting thing happened:

As 5 Ram players were coming out of the tunnel for pre-game introductions, they were arrested by local authorities.

"HANDS UP, ASSHOLES!" Police officer Rick Hudson barked.

As it turned out, it was the best game-time decision of the year. The rest of the team played spectacularly, humiliating The Oakland Raiders, 52-0.

After the game, Rams' Head Coach Jeff Fisher surmised that the 5 players must have been holding the team back.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Ode To Black Friday

Shoppers trampled in their masses
They'll break bones and granny glasses
Watch them break down the doors
Armageddon at the department store

It's Black Friday, run for your lives
Flat-Screen TV's and Ginsu Knives
10% off, must find a deal
Ran over by grocery cart wheels

Oh Lord, Help us

3 women fighting over a pink sweater,
They're in a tug of war
carts crashing in electronics
There's blood in aisle four

Oh Lord, Help us

I got gifts that I'll be returning
Angry customers mad and burning
Now we are standing in this line
Screaming kids drive me out of my mind

I don't know how we survived
escaped Black Friday, but we're still alive
Salvation Army bell now it rings
Store manager laughs and says 'Ca-ching!'

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

RedSquirrel's Thanksgiving Address To America 2014

Dear America,

As we get together with our families this Thanksgiving, I would like to give thanks to the Good Lord above for the following:

I thank God for The Minneapolis City Council. These geniuses have filled our potholes and solved the crime problem, and now they have solved an even bigger problem........Styrofoam food containers. Thank goodness our friends on The Minneapolis City Council banned this threat against humanity.

I also thank God for White Privilege. I don't quite know what it is, but I think it has something to do with 'not being born and raised in a place completely ruined by Democrats.'

I thank God for Barack Obama. Between Fast And Furious, his narcissistic attitude, and his insane appetite for power and dog meat, he gives us bloggers and Tweeps a lot to write about.

I am thankful that I am not subjected to Michelle Obama's 'healthy' school lunch program.

I thank God for MSNBC and CNN's Don Lemon. You folks are a barrel of laughs.

Seriously though, I am thankful for my family, for Twitter, that God let me be born in America, and that he sent his Son to be my Savior.

God Bless America.

Oh, Little Town Of Ferguson

Oh, Little Town Of Ferguson
On TV we can see you riot
Looted stores and bars and flaming cars
under Main Street's Christmas lights

Thugs are making off with TV's
Darren Wilson is to blame
The cops are here in riot gear
as thugs set this town aflame

Monday, November 24, 2014

Red Forman To Obamacare Architect Jonathan Gruber: Congratulations, Jack-Ass

Recently, Obamacare Architect Jonathan Gruber became front-page news in the conservative media, as several videos of the MIT professor showed us what The Obama Administration has thought of the American People all along....

....that the American voters are stupid and that lying about the so-called Affordable Care Act was the best way to sell it to the public.

RSR Contributor Red Forman is here to share some of his thoughts about this story. Take it away, Red:

 Well, well, well...So, you thought that the best way to sell Obamacare was to lie about it to all the stupid Americans. The way I see it, the only idiots who actually voted for this cluster were the Democrats in Congress. The Republicans all voted against it.

Congratulations, Jonathan Gruber. We took a vote and chose you 'The Douchebag Of The Month.'

I understand that the government has paid you millions for selling this fraud. As a college professor, you don't worry about ever getting laid off or losing your health insurance. Gosh, it must be great not having to live in the real world, you pompous twit. 

Theoreticians like you and Barry Obama live in the world of academia, where progressive jerk-holes smoke their pipes and test their stupid ideas on actual humans. If your ideas destroy a million families, you can just say, 'Oh well, back to the old drawing board, har, har, har...'

You think you're really smart, but I know this kid who lives down the street from me. His name is Kelso. He's a big, stupid kid, yet I am confident that he will someday be a better, more productive member of society than you are. 

You remind me of this douche I know who lives in his mom's basement. Pajama Boy is another over-educated fool, gets A's in all his worthless classes, yet has absolutely zero common-sense. 

While I'm teaching my son Eric how to fix a car engine, 28-year-old Pajama Boy drinks hot cocoa (holding the mug with both hands) and badgers his parents who are still supporting him about the wonders of Obamacare.

Instead of kicking his ass like a good parent would, they will probably turn him into something like you. God help us all.

That's all for now. 

Red Forman, uppity peasant.

Monday, November 17, 2014

President Obama Joins The Cast Of Commies In Space

"The needs of the low-information voter outweigh the freedom of the private sector...."