News You Can Use

We at The RedSquirrel Report have noticed the increased feminization of the news. Morning news programs feature segments meant to cater to women, such as news from Hollywood. The women of America are dying to know if Brad and Angelina have secretly tied the knot or if actor Bradly Cooper has made the cover of People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" edition.

A clothes designer will visit with Kathie Lee and Hoda, and show off the newest fashions, then a famous chef will show the audience how to prepare a dish. To the women of America, the news is more than the events of the day, so we here at The RSR are pleased to debut a new segment we call News You Can Use.

This week, we are excited to tell the women of America about the hottest new hair style, The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Ramen Wig. 

First, you buy the wig. You can find it at any grocery store for about 25 cents, and you will have to know how to boil water.

You take the wig in it's hardened state, and place it in boiling water for 7 minutes. The wig should become
limp. Next, you turn off the burner, and let the wig cool for 5 minutes.

Finally, you drape your Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Ramen Wig over your head. Fabulous!

New Viking Stadium May Double As Greenhouse

In other Minnesota Viking news, the team unveiled several renderings of the new stadium. The $950,000,000 boondoggle will have a massive glass exterior. The state still doesn't know how we will fund this monster.

To this bushy-tailed correspondent, It looks like a very large greenhouse. Perhaps the team can grow flowers in the off-season, then sell roses and tulips at $39.95 a pop.

Since it looks like The Crystal Cathedral, Perhaps Pastor Zigi Wilf can don a long, flowing robe, and pass around a collection plate during each home game. Maybe The Minnesota Vikings can file for 501c3 status.

Somebody came up with an idea that the state would sell electronic pull-tabs to fund this thing. The yet-unnamed stadium can then pay for itself....

....or maybe not.

Kluwe Is Out

A couple weeks ago, The Minnesota Vikings drafted punter Jeff Locke in the 5th round, and then released veteran punter Chris Kluwe. It seems like everyone in the media has an opinion on the release of outspoken punter, who spoke out in favor of same-sex marriage.

Homophobic Viking General Manager Rick Spielman banished Kluwe from the Viking ship, but what do we really know about the new punter? RSR has dug up some rather startling facts:

Last year, Locke handed out bibles at a Gay Pride Parade in West Hollywood, and brandished a large sign that read 'God Hates Sodomites.'

He averaged 28.9 yards per punt at UCLA, before injury shortened his Junior season. He rode the bench for most of the 2012-2013, but the Viking GM heard about Locke's views on gay marriage, and was immediately impressed. Spielman explains:

'Yeah, Kluwe caused a lot of trouble for the team. Viking owner Ziggy (Wilf) used to always say that Chris was a cancer eating away at our organization. We believe that new punter Locke will fit perfectly with The Viking's 'anti-same sex marriage' team attitude.'

We tracked down superstar Defensive End Jared Allen, who said this:

'Nobody wanted to shower around Kluwe. He used to point at my uniform number 69, then laugh. It really gave me the creeps. I'm so glad he's gone.'

Many football analysts believe that Kluwe will never, ever play in The NFL again.

Dear Bonnie Tyler: We Got Your Hero Right Here

In early 1984, pop star Bonnie Tyler released Holding Out For A Hero, the follow-up to her number one smash hit Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

Somebody call Ms. Tyler. Last week, we found her hero:

 

  

 

 

President Creepy Takes His Apology Tour South Of The Border

Wow, President Creepy is so full of crap I took last week's speech at The Anthropology Museum in Mexico City and fertilized my lawn with it.

His people told him that he would be speaking before The Anthropology Museum, but he must have thought they meant The Apology Museum. Your bushy-tailed correspondent sees no point in directly quoting The Kenyan despot anymore, because almost everything he says is a leftist dog-whistle wrapped in a lie.

During the speech, The Sociopath-in-Chief blamed America for the gun violence in Mexico. For a while there, I thought he was going to blame Operation Fast And Furious on NRA President Wayne LaPierre. On the other hand, it was very nice that he thanked illegal aliens for supporting his re-election. Without criminals, he probably wouldn't have been re-elected.

He also made some remarks designed to make Commie Mexican College Students For LaRaza jump for joy. For a moment there, it looked like he was offering to give them California, Arizona, Texas, and New Mexico. Sometimes I wonder if Obama's voters, as well as his foreign supporters, actually hate America as much as he does.

Three cheers for political correctness. Way to go, America.

NBA's Jason Collins Takes It To The Hole

Gay Professional basketball player Jason Collins made worldwide headlines last week, announcing his sexual preference before the world. Apparently, that makes him the Jackie Robinson of 2013. We are being told that Collins is the first gay athlete from one of the major sports to make this announcement.

Figure skating isn't considered a major sport?

It took incredible courage to make the announcement, as he was almost crushed with the avalanche of near-universal praise from other athletes, the entertainment news media, and politicians alike. Even our gay president took a break from deliberately punishing The American people to call Collins.

There are some who have not shown the proper level of enthusiasm for Collins' big announcement. It seems that the majority of Americans didn't really care one way or an another about who the basketball player sleeps with. There even may be a sports reporter out there who disapproves of sodomy. Off to Sensitivity Training Classes with him!

I predict that actor Jamie Foxx will win the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role for his portrayal of Jason Collins.

While we're at it, your bushy-tailed correspondent would like to take this time to come out of the closet. I am.............an Evangelical Christian Conservative Republican residing in a deep-blue, major urban center. Now, Where's my praise from the news media?

What Would've Happened If King Mark Was Glitter-Bombed?

On Wednesday night, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton took part in a townhall meeting in Shakopee, home of Canterbury Park. During the proceedings, he told his over-taxed subjects that Minnesota's state legislators are UNDERPAID, and deserve a raise.

One of King Mark's ungrateful subjects pointed out that a legislator works part-time.

An annoyed Dayton reprimanded those in attendance, comparing them to the unruly, 'juvenile' students Dayton knew when he was a teacher in New York.


Tsk, tsk, dear peasants, when you're in the presence of King Mark, you're not supposed to approach him with facts, or show frustration. Remember, Democrats believe they are born to rule and are entitled to whatever they feel they can confiscate. Just shut up and pay those taxes. It's all for a better Minnesota.

During Minnesota's Gubernatorial election of 2010, Dayton's Republican opponent Tom Emmer had thousands of pennies dumped on him during an appearance. I wonder how Dayton would react to having coins dumped on him, or having some maniac jump out of a crowd with a glitter-bomb.

If you're a conservative, it's a good idea to hire a body guard if you venture into a hostile, sometimes violent hot-beds of P.C. leftism called American universities. Conservative pundit/author Ann Coulter has had oranges thrown at her. Ms. Coulter would be happy if an audience behaved in a 'juvenile' manner.

So, remember this, Gopher State plebes: When King Mark graces us with his presence, we are not to confront him with facts, or show frustration. If you feel that you cannot show him the proper level of adulation, just smile and nod your head.