Thursday, August 28, 2014

Wow, That's A Great Mug Shot

....and now, a word from our new sponsor....


You're a rock star Republican, and you may be making a run for The Presidency in 2016. Chances are, your insane enemies on the left wouldn't like anything more than to form a grand jury, and indict you for merely doing your job.

Well, you're in luck. The Grand Ole Photo Studio specializes in highly stylish mugshots.

You do not want to run for higher office without them. In fact, Democrats are so hellbent on smearing and eliminating their opponents, you would be a fool not to hire our glamour shot artistes for all your mug shot needs.



Here's one of our satisfied customers:

'After that leftist grand jury indicted me on bogus abuse of power charges, I called Grand Ole Photos, and I must say, the mug shot they took of me looks more like a glamour shot.

I gladly payed $50.99 for a portrait-sized photo, (10) 3 by 5's, and 20 wallet-sized photos:

The professional photographer reminded me to smile, because what Democrats want is an unkempt, angry mug shot they can use against me in their future campaign commercials.

Once again, Thank you Grand Ole Photo Studio for NOT making me look like THIS': 

 
 

 

Charles Barkley: These Ferguson Looters Are Knuckaheads

We continue our non-stop Ferguson coverage with this commentary from Sir Charles Barkley:

Thanks, Squirrel,

What the HELL is wrong with everybody in Ferguson, Missouri? I was watching the news, and saw a bunch of knuckaheads looting stores and smashing store fronts. That's turrble.

People are shot and killed every day. What right does that give you to smash a store window? Somebody built that business, an' you knuckaheads have to smash that window, and rob the store.

The only store nobody touched sold work clothes. Figures. Stupid knuckaheads.

Then, that turrble knuckahead Al Sharpton says that the idiot looters were 'liberating merchandise.' What a jive-talking knuckahead.

Also, that pipsqueak Spike Lee suggested that Ferguson should 'explode'. Knick fans are just knuckaheads.

President Obama called for calm........while his media suck-ups lied about this case, stirring racial tensions, and caused these protests to get out of control. Not cool.

As for Michael Brown, we all feel for his family, but that kid ATTACKED A COP, seriously injuring him. I don't wanna speak ill of the dead, but that was really knuckaheaded. He made a turrble decision.

Then there's that knuckahead who compared the death of Michael Brown with the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Dial it back, you knuckahead.

Then, those knuckaheads The Black Panthers arrived on the scene. Wow, I feel safer already.

Well, that's it for now. Pull your pants up. You look like a knuckahead.

Peace.



Our I-Team Report From Ferguson, MO Continues

.....Thank you, Longfellow Loon for that report. It's true, Innocent, unarmed teenager Michael Brown was murdered by racist cop Darren Wilson....

Oh, this just in. Unarmed teenager Michael Brown has been captured on video robbing a convenience store just moments before his encounter with Officer Darren Wilson.

Back to the story.

Michael Brown and his friend, Dorian Johnson, were JUST WALKING, when out-of-control, racist cop suddenly stopped his police car, ordering Brown to get on his knees. While the unarmed teenager complied, the insane cop shot him in the back several times.....

Oh, this just in. Several witnesses agree with the policeman's account. The 'unarmed teenager' attacked Officer Wilson, seriously injuring him. Then, the teenager charged the officer a second time, resulting in the fatal shooting.

According to three different coroners, none of the bullets entered Brown in the back. This contradicts Dorian Johnson's account.

Back to the story.

Now, protesters are demanding the arrest of Officer Darren Wilson for murdering the unarmed Black teenager.

Oh, this just in....

Looters are robbing businesses all over the neighborhood, and smashing store windows Now, they're 'liberating merchandise'. The Obama media deliberately lied about the facts of this incident. Now, they stick news cameras in the faces of the police.

Oh, this just in. The police are on-edge. They get no support from the hapless Governor, Jay Nixon.

Oh great, here comes The Black Panthers to ease tensions. Welcome to Obama's America.

That's it. I'm coming home. This is your bushy-tailed correspondent, reporting from Ferguson.

Quick, get in the van.





Our I-Team Reports From Ferguson, MO

Earlier this month, The Obama media told us that unarmed Black teenager Michael Brown was viciously gunned-down by White cop Darren Wilson.

According to early news accounts, Brown was just walking around the neighborhood with his friend, when an out-of-control, white officer ordered Brown to get on his knees and put his hands on his head. As the teenager complied, Wilson shot him in the back at least 9 times, killing him.

That's what the Obama media told us.

Now, we're learning that Brown ATTACKED and seriously injured Offiver Darren Wilson after committing  robbery just minutes before.

Right now, President Obama is trafficking diseased, violent illegal aliens all over the country, but everybody is distracted by the story in Ferguson. We are hearing and reading about the possibility that bloodthirsty terrorists are getting ready to attack America, but The Obama media believes that story will be bad for Dear Leader's image.

There's also a vast array of crimes committed by Obama Administration officials that we're not talking about because Dear Leader's media wants to change the narrative.

We may have a possible, widespread outbreak of Ebola in America, but that story too can wait. To The Obama media, this story is MORE important.

So, we thought we'd get into the act. We have sent our resident loony lib correspondent, Longfellow Loon, who attended Michael Brown's funeral....



LOOOLOOOLOLOOOLOOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOO!!!!

Thank you, Squirrely!!!

Yes, on August 9, Michael Brown was mercilessly gunned down by racist White cop Darren Wilson. I attended the funeral, and was MOVED TO TEARS when the minister compared the murder of Michael to the crucifixion of Jebus!!!

LOOOLOOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOOOOO!!!(honks, blowing his beak into his handkerchief)

I sure hope that something GOOD can come from this horrible tragedy. Hopefully, my new friend Martha from the voter registration booth on the scene of the riots was able to register LOTS of new DEMOCRAT VOTERS!!!!

LOOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOOLOOOO!!!

Also, I'm as proud as a pink peacock to hear OUR MESSIAH BARACK OBAMA call for calm. Why would all the right-wing racist meanies accuse him of exploiting this terrible tragedy? Also, my favorite Black reverend, Al Sharpton spoke for all of us when he said that the looters were LIBERATING merchandise from the shelves!!!

LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOOO!!!

I hear a siren! Back to you, Squirrely.



This Week....On Ferguson, MO

The Obama media isn't just happy to inflict Obama's agenda on America. Earlier this month, The Obama media created a false-flag TV show. We call it Ferguson, MO.

Furguson, MO takes place in Ferguson, a mostly Black suburb of St. Louis. Our story starts with a MURDER of an UNARMED BLACK TEENAGER by a RACIST WHITE POLICE OFFICER. The victim, Michael Brown, was walking home after a long day of shopping for college supplies.

Suddenly, the racist white officer shoots him 6-8 times in the back for no apparent reason other than Brown is a Black teenager. Shortly after, the Obama media cover the race riots that break out nightly in Ferguson, MO.

We meet Percy and his baby-mama Tawanna, who bring their 5-year-old son to the nightly riots, teaching him that white people are evil.

The mostly Black residents notice news cameras covering the riots, and many get to be TV stars on Ferguson, MO by throwing Molotov cocktails, looting the stores, and getting themselves arrested by White cops.

The New Black Panthers join the cast, and call for the killing of Darren Wilson, the officer in question. We meet Martha, who has set up a Democrat voter registration booth on the scene.

Then, we meet the coroners, who determine that none of the gunshot wounds entered the teenager's back.

We learn that the story told by the unarmed teenager's friend who was with him when the shooting happened was not consistent with the coroner's report. We also learn that Brown wasn't buying college supplies....He was committing a strong arm robbery just minutes before the shooting.

Witnesses come out, and tell the authorities that the victim attacked the officer.

Oh, this just in---It appears Ferguson, MO might be ending now that America has learned the truth, but the show has served it's purpose. Distract The American People from far more important stories, and create racial tension. Welcome to Obama's America.









Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Dear ISIS, Convert To Christianity Or Die

We here at The RedSquirrel Report are proud to welcome our new Military Correspondent, who has this message for ISIS:


Dear ISIS,

I've been watching you in action for about six weeks now, and see that you have been forcibly converting unarmed people to your satanic cult, and be-heading non-believers.

I also heard one of your leaders say that America is next. Before you try, Let me explain a few things.

This is supermodel Kate Upton. I bet that you would like to put her in a hijab, but I just have to warn you the men of America will annihilate every last one of you if you ever try. Americans are slow to anger, but if you try to put the women of America in one of your garbage bags, you will only unleash our wrath.

American men love women. We don't throw rocks at our daughters or sell them into slavery. When someone we love is raped, we go after the rapist, not the victim. Killing the victim is just plain sick.

I understand that in your sick belief system, you cannot go to paradise if a woman kills you. Maybe I shouldn't tell you about all our terrific female pilots who will soon be dropping missiles on your filthy, stinking heads.

Y'see there genius, that's just one of the reasons we're better than you. We don't disqualify half our population because they pee sitting down. We don't enslave 'em, or march them around in garbage bags and chains. If they want to learn, we teach 'em how to fly a jet, and become efficient, incredible killers.

I heard that you don't like dogs or alcohol. In the west, we refer to dogs as 'Man's best friend'. It's sick that you Muslim extremists cannot open your heart to a dog. They're adorable, loyal, and their noses are wet. Go ahead, Mahmoud, Hug one.

Your aversion to 'man's best friend' isn't holy. It's a maladjustment.

I hear that you disapprove of alcohol. Well, Americans love it. If you can't live in a world where somebody is enjoying themself , that's YOUR problem. You Islamo-Nazis need to learn to unwind in some way other than having sex with a goat. You're wound up too tightly.

America have destroyed a lot of bullies in it's history, so can all your threats. Many of us love The Lord Jesus Christ, and we know how this ends. Yahweh will judge you, and send you to a place where your moon idol Allah can't help you.

So, you think that you dirty-bearded savages can make US convert to your sick belief system? I say this:


Dear ISIS, convert to Christianity or die......Too late, you're effin' dead already. The Great Satan is coming to get you. That is all.








Monday, August 11, 2014

The Nancy Pelosi Humanitarian Award Goes To....

Our source in DC tells us that mentally unstable Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been off her meds, which explains her recent bahavior. Recently, she tried to physically attack Pennsylvania Republican Tom Marino as he was speaking on the floor of The House of Repesentatives.

Today, she will be awarding The Nancy Pelosi Humanitarian Award, and we will be covering this important event exclusively. And so, we welcome the Congresswoman:

Heh heh heh.....Wow, I'm seeing a talking squirrel.....and trails....

Today, I am so proud to give this award to a group that so richly deserves this important award. I have been told that Hamas has been fighting for FREEDOM against the Jewish meanies, as the incredibly powerful Israeli bullies have bombed Palestinian schools and hospitals.

I know that Hamas is a humanitarian organization because The Qataries told me so.

 


This must be one of the Hamas humanitarians Nancy Pelosi was referring to