Tuesday, January 8, 2019

The Democrat's Agenda

Last week, House Democrats assumed the majority for the first time in 8 years, and quickly got to work. Here are the first 10 items on Speaker Nancy Pelosi's agenda:

10. Impeach President Trump

 9. Throw the president's family in jail. Even his 12-year-old son Barron.

 8. Use taxpayer funds to pay for every abortion performed anywhere on planet Earth.

 7. Make everything that liberals like mandatory, and ban everything that Republicans like.

 6. Oppose the building of a wall across American-Mexican border. Make human traffickers, drug dealers, criminals, rapists, murderers, and illegal immigrants feel welcome.

 5. Cut funding to American military

 4. End Climate Change. Make it illegal for the temperature to dip below 45 or over 50 degrees.

 3. Guarantee an income of $30,000 for every American. Introduce 70% income tax for each American earning over $100,000. Members of Congress are exempted.

 2. Free healthcare for all, and by all, I mean 'Everyone on Planet Earth.'

 1. A national hotline to report any criticism/hate speech against Islam

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Counterpoint: I Support Climate Change

In the 1970's, Newsweek AND Time magazine warned us of an impending ice age. More recently, junk scientists and Socialist frauds like Al Gore have warned us about global warming.

Now, they are warning us about an all-encompassing global climate change, even though nobody can tell us what the weather will be like five years from now. They just tell us we are heading towards a weather disaster and that it's because of us and our lifestyle based on freedom and choice.

Our wannabe masters warn us against dirty fossil fuels that will destroy the polar bears and the ice in the North Pole. As for Normal-Americans, we like fossil fuels because fossil fuels are plentiful and cheap.

Last week, there was a Climate Townhall, featuring two of the intellectual heavyweights of Socialism....Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

These two believe you are too dumb to run your own lives, and that a progressive elite should dictate your lifestyle.

I have a dumb question for these leftist authoritarians:

Have you been outside today? The weather has been fantastic. In fact, almost every other day, I tell someone out loud that the weather is terrific. Once in a while, I'll even tell a complete stranger that I think today's weather is great and it's a beautiful day.

I think most leftists (at least the ones I see on TV) warning us about climate change are just control freaks and jack-asses at best and they should be shunned.

As a matter of fact, let me say that if man-made climate change is a thing, I'm in support of it! I hear a warmer climate is great for our growing crops. Plus, if you live in a cold climate (like Minnesota) during the Winter months, a warmer Winter would be nothing to complain about.

I would rather be outside if it's 20 degrees than 20 below. If this describes climate change, THEN GIVE ME MORE!!!

I support climate change, and it would be great if you did too. Let's virtue-signal this thing! If you don't support climate change than you're stupid. No, you're a DENIER!

So, do everyone a favor, and keep using those wonderful, dirty fossil fuels.




Monday, December 17, 2018

Things Are Back To Normal At Santa's Toy Shop

Your bushy-tailed correspondent files this report from The North Pole, as Mr. and Mrs. Claus finalize plans for his yearly trip around the world. The activity here is almost not to be believed, as elves work feverishly, building toys and loading Santa's sleigh:

Santa Claus: Yes, I was toying with the idea of delivering some of these toys with flying drones, but I'm not Jeff Bezos, Ho, Ho, Ho....

I've noticed your jolly demeanor has returned.....

I'm very happy that America elected Donald Trump! That insufferable asshole Barack Obama tried to unionize our operation. Also, he tried to force Obamacare down OUR throats!!! Stupid rat bastard!!!

For eight, long years, I had to read these heart-breaking letters from all these sweet kids. Their parents either lost their jobs or had their hours cut because that heartless jack-ass Obama screwed with their health plans!.

I've noticed the letters this year have a much happier tone to them.  

I love the President. He has a history of being very generous, but I don't like your news media or those deep state creeps. That douche Mueller better wrap up this ridiculous investigation or he's getting a reindeer turn in his Christmas stocking!

I hate to admit it, but while that liar Obama was in the White House spreading hate and division all over the world, I was seriously thinking about ending this operation and maybe becoming a defense contractor.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent is glad Santa made it through the Obama administration, and that things are back to normal at Santa's toy shop.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

HEADLINE: INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE TAKES CREDIT FOR RECORD U.S. OIL PRODUCTION

2015:

I am here aboard Air Force One making an anti-oil video....

....because Air Force One runs on unicorn farts.'





2018

Suddenly America is the largest oil producer. That was me, people. Say 'Thank you.'

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Kolchak: Invasion Of The Vote Snatchers

Here to tell a very scary Election Day story is our new staff reporter, Karl Kolchak:

November 2018.....

It's two weeks after Election Day, and the smoke has yet to clear on the midterm elections. It appears that there was no so-called 'blue wave', yet the Democrats have won the majority of races in the U.S. House of Representatives. 

It seems a strange thing has happened. This reporter has discovered 'vote snatchers' loose in different areas throughout the country, stealing elections for The Democrats. 

Republican gains in California's Orange Country have disappeared, and the entire county has turned an eerie blue.

In center-right Arizona, Republican Martha McSally's Election Night lead has evaporated, and ultra-freaky.vagina hat-wearing Democrat Kyrsten Sinema has mysteriously found enough votes to snatch that race away. Perhaps an alien life form have snatched the bodies of Republican voters in the Grand Canyon State, and replaced them with new Democrats.

Or maybe it could be the bodies of the previously living have carried the strange Democrat candidate across the finish line. The Democrats are very popular with dead voters.

The Communist/Democrat gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum ALMOST won in mostly conservative, affluent Florida. We've seen some very weird things happen in Florida before. In 1994, a fresh-face conservative named Joe Scarborough won a seat to Congress, and yet we are to believe the very same guy is NOW an ultra-leftist morning host on MSNBC.

This reporter believes that Joe Scarborough has been replaced by a 'body snatcher.'

The strange thing is that only Republicans and their votes are snatched away, while Democrats find thousands, perhaps millions, of votes after Election Day. The dead as well as illegal aliens are voting illegally, and the election snatchers are running wild.

They are here . You may be next.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Minnesota Elects Anti-Semites: A Jackie Mason Commentary


Here to give an American Jew's perspective on Election Night 2018 is our political correspondent, Jackie Mason:

Thanks, Red Mensch,

Oy vey!!! What are the voters in Minnesota smoking?

You elected an anti-Semite to the state's Attorney General's office and another to Congress!

You voted a dirty, rotten schmuck Keith Ellison to be Minnesota's chief law enforcement officer. I guess the voters wanted an expert in domestic violence. We don't know if it's the state law he'll be enforcing.....or shariah law.....Stay tuned, we'll find out soon.

Four years ago, he came out against the Second Amendment. As a Jew, I know what happens when law-abiding citizens are disarmed, and only the police and the military have the guns.

This putz is friendly to the AntiFa jerk-offs, and he supports 'sanctuary cities.' God help us.

The hipster, liberal  Doofuscrats in Minnesota CD 5 elected Somali-Muslimist Ilhan Omar to be their next representative. She'll be taking Ellison's place in The U.S. House of Representatives. She also hates Jews.

This hateful klafte suggested that White men should be put in chains since they refuse to submit to Allah. Someone needs to tell this bitch that if you try to put American men in chains, the men of America will slaughter you.

This smarmy pisher married her own brother to keep him in the country even though she was already married. That's bigamy as well as immigration fraud. 

The voters in CD 5 would vote for ANYBODY as long as they have a 'D' next to their name. If Charley Manson, Fidel Castro, or Colin Kaepernick ran for Congress in this hotbed of commie-leftism they wouldn't BE ABLE TO LOSE!

Dear Minnesota, is this the best that you can do? Why do you have to inflict this crap on the rest of the country?