Monday, April 21, 2014

A Happy Earth Day Message From Mother Earth

Tomorrow is Earth Day. You may be attending an Earth Day event near you, or you may be participating in a 5k run somewhere. We at The RedSquirrel Report are pleased to welcome the big gal herself, Mother Earth, who has a very important message for conservationists, everyday Americans, and environmental wackos alike.

 Take it away, Mom:

Thanks, my little, bushy-tailed friend.

Hey everybody, I just wanted to check in, and share some Earth Day-related thoughts with you. First, there are a lot of you who have a false image of me. I have been around for billions of years (or maybe only 30,000 years), but I stopped counting a long time ago. You know how women are. We don't like to be asked our age.

Some people think that I'm just a delicate eco-system, and cannot be touched. It's like they think I'm frigid or something.

That's simply ridiculous. I'm here for you. Go ahead, chop down that tree. Today, over 50,000 acres will be destroyed.....and made into something REALLY beautiful like a home, a piano, or even a baseball bat.

There are these environmentalist extremists who are against fracking and drilling. Once again, they could not be more wrong. I want to tell you that Mother Earth loves a good frack. In fact, I am a great, big skank. There, I said it.

I've been around a long, long time. These global warming alarmists are frauds and idiots. Comedian George Carlin said it quite well when he said, 'The Earth isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!'

Besides, what's wrong with keeping me WARM? Damned idiots.

Sure, sometimes I open up and shake, and wind up killing a few people here and there. Other times I flood or hit you with a big tsunami. Sometimes I'll get into one of my moods. Just stay out of my way when I do.

One thing about Earth Day I find highly enjoyable are those 5k runs. I just lie on my tummy, because it feels like millions of tiny feet giving me a back massage. 

Well, that's all for now. Everybody have a great Earth Day.


Mother Earth

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

MN Representative Winkler Comments On New Minimum Wage Law

Yesterday, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton signed the new minimum wage increase into law. The RedSquirrel Report contacted the author of the House bill, Golden Valley Democrat Ryan Winkler.

He had this to say:

"Heheheh....heheheh....heheh....Raising the minimum wage is COOL!....heheheh......

Obama Battles The Strawmen

It's amazing that Mr. Obama's tongue hasn't fallen out of his mouth yet.

There has never been a more dishonest, insanely demagogic politician in this country's history. One of his favorite rhetorical devices is the use of  'the strawman'. Obama and his allies relentlessly lie about his opponents and their positions on policy matters as they paint their enemies as selfish and inhuman.

If a Republican tells you that it's a nice, sunny day, Obama suddenly appears to tell you that Republicans believe in discriminating against rainy days. He also has an army of vicious liars in the mainstream news media.

When someone expresses doubt about the hoax of man-made global warming, The Democrats accuse their opponents of destroying life on the planet.

Last week, he spoke about pay equity in The White House Rose Garden. After he finished his speech, ground workers dried out his speech and fertilized the garden with it:

Republicans believe that women should be denied a basic human right to be paid as much as a man. That is why I introduce MY NEWEST INITIATIVE. Evil Republicans are waging a WAR ON WOMEN, believing that women should be kept barefoot and pregnant, and BE FORCED to pay for their own contraception! On the other hand, us Democrats believe in pay equity! (the audience cheers wildly)

Just don't ask me why women are payed less inside The Obama White House. Hey, the boss is a Muslim. They should be glad we let them appear in public.

That reminds me. I think that it's simply awful the way Republicans keep pushing Grandma off a cliff. Today, I am introducing my new agenda. We're calling it 'The Republicans Must Stop Pushing Grandma Off Cliffs Act of 2014'. If the Republicans don't vote for MY plan, I will go over their heads. (wild cheering)

Remember, I have a phone and a pen. (wild cheering)

Also, I keep hearing that Republicans abuse their own kids. This simply cannot continue, so I am pleased to announce 'The Republicans Must Stop Abusing Their Own Kids Act'. I don't know why Republicans do such terrible things to our young, but I AM WILLING TO STOP THEM! (more wild cheering)

Also, The Republicans are destroying the economy. They insist on drilling for oil and digging for coal, then they cut taxes for the richest Americans. This has to stop. Our world cannot continue to be RAPED by these capitalists. (wild cheering)

Remember, they didn't build that. (more wild cheering)

I am pleased to announce that I have resurrected our economy by laundering money through Solyndra. Then, I stole half a trillion dollars from those able to pay for it, AND showered my supporters in the form a 'stimulus.' Also, I've made lots of money by selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers. I am pleased to announce that my policies have worked! (Obama does an end-zone dance as the audience cheers)

Some Republicans tried to stop me. Shame on them. They must want me to fail because I'm black.

That's my time. Allahu Akhbar.

Who Are The Real Bullies Here?

Last week, the Democrats in The Minnesota State Legislature passed 'anti-bullying' legislation. Like a lot of people, I remember being bullied in Junior High. It never dawned on me that I needed The Minnesota State Legislature to stop my tormentors.

Critics of this legislation believe that this law is unnecessary. Schools and school districts have policies in place, and it should be there where they deal with students behaving badly. Some may even say that this legislation is a gift to pro-gay voters.

While we're using the government to stop bullies, how about a law stopping the Bureau of Land Management from bullying landowners like Cliven Bundy?

There should be a law protecting us from gay fascists who target and bully people who believe in traditional marriage.

And while we're at it, let's do something about the bullies at The Obama IRS who persecute conservative 501C3 non-profit organizations.

How about a law for people victimized by the thieves and the child molesters at The TSA?

Then, there's always Obama's allies, The Muslim Brotherhood and those mega-bullies at The Council of American-Islamic Relations?

Let's not forget the government schools who bully children into being submissive, compliant little Marxist cogs. Colleges harass and persecute conservatives. Where can a student go after he or she is bullied by their Marxist college professor?

Who are the real bullies here?

Last year, conservative writer Ben Shapiro wrote "Bullies: How The Left's Culture Of Fear And Intimidation Silences America"

Our Alinskyite despot Barack Obama is the 7-year-old bully on the playground. He is abusive with power, childishly sneering at his opponents. He uses intimidation and harassment to shut his critics up.

Last year, neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson got a phone call from someone at The White House suggesting that he 'apologize to The President.' His offense? Carson made a speech critical of Obamacare.

Obama stole millions of healthcare plans like a bully stealing everybody's lunch money. Freedom-loving Americans should punch the bully in the nose and take it back.

We will have an opportunity to beat back the bullies in November. See you at the polls.

Monday, April 14, 2014

This Week's School Menu

Things just keep getting better for The American People under The Obama Regime. First Lady Michelle Obama's 'Healthy Eating' agenda has been quite a hit with kids all over the country.

Here is what's on this week's menu. Don't worry kids, there's enough for everybody:

Monday: carrot sticks
               carrot-flavored rice cake
               skim milk

Tuesday: avocado paste on toast

Wednesday: low-cal bread
                     cup of rice
                     decaffeinated coffee

Thursday: SALAD SPECIAL!!!!

Friday: mystery soy product on toast
             unsweetened liquid

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Beware Of The S.L.O.B. (Senate Legislative Office Building)

Let's just say it. The Democrats in the Minnesota State Legislature are thumbing their nose at us. It's like they believe nothing can stop their insane, vulgar spending.

Now they want a brand-new, $90,000,000 Senate office palace. The big spenders must believe that they deserve it. Detractors are referring to this project as 'S.L.O.B.' (Senate Legislative Office Building).

This calls for a song parody. Remember that wild horror movie from the 50's 'The Blob'? It had a really catchy theme song:

Don't pay for The S.L.O.B.
They spend and send our tax dollars right out the door 
they want.... some more 
It's only 90 mil
We'll pay.... the bill
Beware of The S.L.O.B.

Beware of The S.L.O.B.
These hacks just tax n' waste money on expensive stuff
we've had....enough
Let's vote them out
right on.... their duff
Don't pay for THE S.L.O.B. 

Big-Government Minnesota Democrats also remind me of the jelly-like monster in that the more it feeds, the bigger it gets.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Brendan Eich Must Be Destroyed!

Before last week, few people even knew who Branden Eich (pictured here) was. Eich was the creator of Java script, and was one of the founders of Mozilla, creators of the Mozilla Firefox Internet browser. Recently, he became the CEO of Mozilla.

The I.R.S. illegally leaked a copy of his donation in support of California's Proposition 8, which defined marriage as one man to one woman, to gay activists. Then, the pro-sodomy left pressured Mozilla to force Eich out.

We at The RedSquirrel Report have invited The President of G.L.A.A.D. to explain their position:

Thank you, RedSquirrel.

Homophobes like Brendan Eich should NEVER be allowed to run a company. We believe in diversity and inclusiveness, so that is why that hateful bigot is gone. (NA NA NA NA....NA NA NA NA....Hey, Hey, Hey....GOODBYE!)

His support for Prop 8 was shared by over 7,000,000 other bigoted Californians, who voted for (and passed) this offensive measure. I'm glad that President Obama's IRS has EVERYONE'S records and addresses, for we will soon have their personal information too. Someday, only gay-friendly activists will be allowed to be employed, not just in California but ALL ACROSS AMERICA!

We applaud President Obama for changing his same-sex marriage position a few years ago. He too, WAS one of those anti-gay bigots, but changed his position on same-sex marriage when he found out how much money we have. He did an 'about-face', and we gave him a golden shower of campaign contributions. A lot of us also like the way he throws a baseball.

It makes me angrier than a red peacock when those constitutionalist meanies call us 'fascists'. We're not fascists. We just believe that you tea-baggers and Nazis better agree with us, or we will destroy you.

We have Brendan Eich's head mounted on the wall at G.L.A.A.D. Headquarters. Soon, we will mount the whole country. Thank you.

Gavin Barris, G.L.A.A.D. President