Thursday, October 30, 2014

Happy Halloween 2014 From The Obamas

Hello America, it's the neighborhood bully, President Barack Hussein Obama.

The First Lady and our Senior Advisers, Malia and Sasha are gorging on candy in the East Wing. They are waiting for trick-or-treaters, who will be getting healthy dried fruit and carrot sticks in their sacks.

Right now, I'm planning a great big October surprise for the country. If you think that Obamacare is scary now, just wait until AFTER Election Day!

I tricked millions of low-information voters into voting for me, and now these terrified Americans are SCREAMING over getting their health plans cancelled. I am also planning a great big executive amnesty for millions of aliens.

Oh look, The White House Halloween Bash is just getting started. FLOTUS is going as The Terminator, although I think her arms are actually bigger than Ahnold's.

We've invited some Walking Dead Democrat Voters, lead by The Crypt-Keeper, Majority Leader Harry Reid. Oh, and look....Nancy Pelosi is arriving as The Thing That Wouldn't Blink.

Here comes Secretary of State John Kerry as Lurch. He doesn't even need make-up or a mask. And look, it's The Great Pumpkin! Oh wait, it's only New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

I understand that they're not trick-or-treating in Ferguson, Missouri this year. All the stores have been looted, and the candy is all gone. 

As always we have our Obama White House traditions, including a tub where guests can go bobbing for bribes. It's always a big hit with our cronies and S.E.I.U. union bosses.

This party will keep going until I declare Martial Law, or until my ghoulish health care czar Zeke Emmanuel tells everybody to make their 'final exit.'

Just remember, if you are dissatisfied with this holiday:

I inherited this holiday from the previous administration.


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

For Democrats, Voter Fraud Is A Strategy

For a Republican, voter fraud is a problem. For a Democrat, voter fraud is a strategy. On Election Day, Republicans generally go to work, then go vote, and then go home and watch the returns.

On the other hand, Democrats love early voting, late voting, voting while dead, stuffing ballot boxes, rigging voting machines, voting from home, voting by mail, vote-flipping, registering your dead cat (take a breath).....

Motor-Voter, registering same day, waging 'lawfare', crying 'RACIST!' when they're caught scamming our system, busing illegal aliens from voting booth to voting booth, and disenfranchising our military voters serving overseas.

In Oregon, you mail in your vote, unless you don't. If you throw your ballot away, a garbage man or political operative will take your ballot out of the trash, and vote for you.

Soon, you'll probably be able to vote on your phone like voters do on American Idol.  No chance for cheating there!

There's only six days before 'Election Day'. That's what they call the first Tuesday in November....but there's always early voting. Democrats love this period, because it gives them so many opportunities to cheat.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call them 'cheaters.' I believe they refer to it as 'their ground game.'

On Election night, it always takes the cities longer to report their vote totals, because Democrats dominate the cities, and because they want to know how many stuffed ballot boxes they will need to pull out of their 'close victory.' 

Then, there are those amazing vote-flipping electronic voting machines that will take Republican votes and change them into Democrat votes. Have you ever noticed they never seem to take a Democrat vote and change it into a Republican vote?

If you think your vote was somehow flipped from Republican to Democrat, Just call the mechanic from The Soros Vote Machine Company, and they might send someone right over to take a look at it.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

An RSR Exclusive: Former FL GOV Charlie Crist Performed On The Gong Show In 1977

The RedSquirrel Report has discovered this video, featuring Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist. He and his family are seen here performing on The Gong Show in 1977.

He is the former Republican Governor of Florida, currently running for the same office as a Democrat against current Republican Governor Rick Scott.

MN Representative Rick Nolan: My Opponent Has Long Hair And.....MONEY!!!

Republican candidate Stuart Mills has misbehaving, long hair.....and his parents ARE FILTHY RICH!!!! (insert scary music)

His family lights cigars with $100 bills! How can he possibly represent the people of Minnesota's 8th Congressional District??!!

Congressman Rick Nolan is a PROUD CLASS WARRIOR who will fight for you, against these........RICH PEOPLE!!!

I am Rick Nolan, and I approve of this message....

This Is The Democrat Campaign 2014

Recently, Texas Senator Ted Cruz wrote a piece that appeared in USA Today, introducing ten priorities that a GOP-lead Senate will pursue. There is confidence among Republicans they will win back the majority.

Meanwhile, The Democrats are not only running behind, but are making utter fools of themselves:

While Ted Cruz embraces a big pro-jobs, growth agenda, a donor for Kentucky Democrat Senate candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes was caught on tapes bragging that 'She will f... the coal industry.'

Maybe The Democrats in Kentucky should have thrown their support behind Ashely Judd after all.

While Cruz promises to stop the culture of corruption in Washington, The current Majority Leader and the most corrupt politician in the country, Harry Reid, obsessively trashes the Koch Brothers.

While Cruz promises to deal seriously with the twin threats of ISIL and a nuclear Iran, Our Little Dictator is too busy waging his War on America to really care what these bloodthirsty animals do to us and our allies.

Democrats don't care if Muslim extremists stone women to death or sell 5-year-old girls into slavery. They're too busy pursuing their ridiculous campaign based on a fictitious 'Republican War on Women'.

While the Senator from Texas promises to repeal Obamacare, The Democrats will keep this corrupt health care law in place until it collapses under it's own weight, then introduce something even worse. Single payer.

While Cruz promises to secure the border, Dear Leader is trafficking under-aged illegal aliens and spreading dangerous, sometimes-fatal diseases to the children of America.

While Cruz wants to repeal Common Core, supporters of North Carolina Senator Kay Hagen are circulating a campaign flyer depicting a gang of white men lynching a black man.

Go ahead, vote for a Democrat....but only if you're as hateful and unhinged as these Democrat maniacs are. If you're not, welcome to The GOP.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Wendy Davis Has Two Weeks To Get Back Into The TX GOV Race

She has lied about her life incessantly, pandered like a crazy person, and attacked her Republican opponent in that infamous 'Wheelchair Ad'.

Then, she hastily put together a photo op,  surrounding herself with human campaign props in wheelchairs.

Of course, I'm talking about the spectacularly awful candidacy of Texas Democrat Wendy Davis.

This candidate has two more weeks to make up for all the mistakes. She would be up by at least 10 points if she was running this campaign based on lies and abortion in a Democrat hell-hole like California, but she is running in deep-red Texas.

Still, your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that there are some things she could do to stop from embarrassing herself any more.

This is a real stretch, but she could show common decency and publicly give props to her second husband for raising her two kids. This might appeal to single dads in Texas.

Also, she should thank husband 2.0 for paying for her Harvard education. When all else fails, try telling the truth.

If I ran her campaign, I would advise her to cry. A lot. She should film a campaign ad, where she tells the world that she has learned from her mistakes. Of course, if she makes an attempt to become a decent human being, her Democrat donors will never stand for it.

Still, I'd advise her to turn on the spigots. We're all suckers when we see a woman cry.

I'm sure that Ms. Davis will not be taking my advice. She is relying on millions of illegal aliens flocking into into The Lone Star State. Perhaps if The Democrats turn on their voter fraud machine full blast, she can make it a contest.

Minnedishu Muslims: Food Shelves Violate Human Rights!

Somali-Muslims in Minneapolis have a bone to pick with local food shelves because they don't cater completely to their Islamic diet. Food shelves offer free fruit, vegetables, & a variety of other food products but also offer pork products, which Muslims view as a violation of their dietary restrictions.

Don't tell Mayor Betsy Hodges this, or she and our nutty city council may pass an ordinance requiring your local food shelf staff be trained to prepare food in the Halal way. I just hope that there aren't any Styrofoam food containers on the premises, or that could offend our wacky city council.

The weirdos running The City of Lakes will probably give these Muslims whatever they want. Dhimmicrat politicians like Hodges depend on support from leftists and Muslims to stay in power, so I wouldn't be surprised if they give away anything that Islamic pressure groups demand.

Dhimmicrats like Betsy Hodges pander shamelessly. Someday soon, I can see her cutting a ribbon at some new ALL-HALAL food shelf, wearing a hijab. Of course, she will be joined by Police Chief Janee Harteau, also in a hijab.

Come to think of it, Wendy's offers a mouth-watering Pulled Pork Sandwich. I wonder when The Muslims will take offense to this, and begin protesting your local Wendy's Restaurant. I can imagine them carrying signs reading 'Wendy is violating our human rights!'

Monday, October 13, 2014

Obama's New Spokeman Re-Assures An Anxious Nation

From sea to shining sea, it appears that everyone is concerned about Ebola. Who has it? Is it spreading and where?

Lucky for us, Our Dear Leader sends out his new spokesman to re-assure an anxious nation:

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Can Buyer's Remorse Elect Mitt Romney In 2016?

People are wondering who should be The Republican nominee for President in 2016.

Perhaps we should give 2012 nominee Mitt Romney one more chance, and here's why:

After 2 more years of Obama ineptitude and corruption, the squeaky-clean Former Governor of Massachusetts will be a refreshing change. There is probably 20,000,000 Americans who regret voting for Obama or who didn't even vote at all.

Evangelical Christians should be profoundly ashamed of themselves for not voting for Romney because he's a Mormon. They can redeem themselves by voting for Romney in 2016.

Also, Romney was relentlessly smeared and slandered by Team Obama and the Obama media machine.

Right now, people must be thinking what would be happening in America if we had only elected him. Well, he wouldn't be trafficking illegal aliens all over the country and making American children sick, or selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

Romney wouldn't be using The IRS to harass the opposition or allowing his Attorney General to become the biggest lawbreaker in the country..

Mitt wouldn't be allowing people with Ebola to threaten the health and safety of The American People.

After two more years of nation-threatening, criminal ineptitude, it would be great to have a skilled problem-solver in The White House.

His campaign slogan can be See, I Told You So.

Thursday, October 2, 2014


Remember Stevie Wonder's 1973 smash hit, Higher Ground? I was on facebook checking out a facebook friend's anti-Obama post, and it triggered this oldie in my mind. I changed the lyrics:

Hamas keeps attacking
ISIS keeps a' whacking
I'll stop all that fracking
Please, pass the bong
Cities keep a' crumbling
My Administration keeps stumbling
Taxpayers keep grumbling
Please, pass the bong
Well, it's only 2 more years an' my regime will end
I got more f-16's and tanks I wanna send
I got plenty of fundraisers and holes of golf to play
So, I'm gonna squeeze in, squeeze in ANOTHER ROUND

Russia keeps invading
Tea Party keep a' hating
My ego keeps inflating
But Congress refuses to go along

Illegals keep on coming
My supporters keep a' bumming
My media keeps on dumbing 
Please, pass the bong.