Thursday, October 31, 2013

It Wasn't Me (Obama Remix)

Someone is responsible for Benghazi, Operation Fast and Furious, The bugging of our allies, various IRS 'scandals', the harassment of FOX NEWS, the on-going Obamacare disaster, Solyndra, The NSA scandal, the stimulus rip-off....

....but it isn't the president. He knows nothing, nothing. Does he know ANYTHING about his own presidency?

He's so gosh-darn brilliant, yet nearly everything associated with his presidency has been a disaster. He takes no responsibility for anything except for killing Osama bin Laden and keeping General Motors alive.

When he's not blaming former President George W. Bush, the finger-pointing child prezzy blames his enemies, The Tea Party, and the imperfect history of Western civilization. When it comes to his ineptitude and rampant wrong-doing, we are supposed to disbelieve our lying eyes.

He reminds me of Shaggy's 2000 pop hit 'It wasn't me':

They caught me red-handed
stealing a trillion dollars
rewarding  friends with stimulus
The tea-baggers began to holler

I can't keep my lies straight
about what I said about Benghazi
I blamed it on a video
and sent out Susan Rice and

How can you grant that woman access to The White House?
There's four dead heroes, so just cling to the story.
Just say that you found out while reading the newspaper
Plausible deniability

To be a great leader you have to know how to lie without shame
state-run media will help you pass the blame
never admit fault and make crazy claims
tell your low-information voters you too want change

Angie Merkel caught me spying
(wasn't me)
Fox News caught me lying
(wasn't me)
They found out 'bout Fast and Furious
(wasn't me)
America is furious
(wasn't me)

Everybody hates Obamacare
(wasn't me)
Don't blame me, It isn't fair
(wasn't me)
They want to impeach me over Benghazi
(wasn't me)
I'll just send out Jay Carney

Monday, October 28, 2013

The First Lady Vows To Replant Her Victory Garden

Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we endeavor to bring you all the hard-hitting news.

As you know, the nightmarish partial government shut-down had paralyzed the country, and nowhere was this more true than THE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN. As 800,000 non-essential employees helplessly sat by their phone, waiting for that call that would bring them back to their cushy government jobs, The First Family was also hurt.

The shut-down forced First Lady Michelle Obama to neglect the victory garden.

Where there was once bountiful, ripening tomatoes, green peppers, carrots, and rutabagas, the soil became overgrown with ugly weeds, dust, and small tumbleweeds. Rabbit and squirrel prints are still visible in the wounded dirt.

The scene is straight out of The Grapes of Wrath.

It's a heart-breaking sight that sears into the memory, so we invited First Lady Michelle Obama to speak to us, her subjects:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

Once again, the right-wingers have brought incredible hurt to something I care deeply about.

A garden needs someone to water it, nurture it, and sometimes a garden needs someone to pulls the weeds. My full-time staff of 50 could not be here to work in the garden, because The Republican anarchists had to shut-down the government. When there is a shut-down of the government, it's the garden that suffers.

I haven't been back to the garden. Instead, I am working HARD at arranging my family's next jet-setting family vacay. I think we may bring 10,000 of our friends. I am trying to narrow it down between a $150,000,000 African safari or maybe a $170,000,000 trip to Hawaii.

Of course, I also have The White House Halloween Party to organize.

I do have good news concerning my victory garden. Senator Al Franken is hard at work, securing $5,000,000 to be invested in my garden as part of the upcoming farm bill. It will be money well-spent.

I know how important my victory garden is to The American People. I vow to replant the tomatoes, rutabagas, and carrots someday. Thank you, my subjects.

Your Queen, Michelle Obama.

Our Resident Commie Reviews Limbaugh's New Book

Book review by Gerald Snotley------

OH NOOOO!!. The Rush book is coming! The Rush book is coming!

Right-wing bully Rush Limbaugh's new book Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims features Rush Limbaugh's 'Two If By Tea' corporate spokesman "Rush Revere" and his time-travelling, talking horse Liberty. It's a cross between a Tea-Bagger rally, Bill and Ted's Idiotic Adventure, and Mr. Ed.

Rush and his time-travelling horse tell Limbaugh's version of the Pilgrim story and the settlement at Plymouth Rock.

Of course, everybody knows that these genocidal white Europeans were kept alive by friendly native Americans, and payed them back by introducing smallpox. The white settlers would have starved to death if it weren't for native Americans, so The Pilgrims created Thanksgiving to thank the Indians for saving them. The kindly Indians trusted the treacherous white man, and were almost destroyed.

Limbaugh believes that these white settlers were almost wiped out because they tried socialism. Everybody knows that socialism works. Just look at The Soviet Union, Communist China, as well as The Killing Fields in Cambodia. Just bow to your rulers, or die. It works perfectly.


Actually, I didn't bother to read this book. I knew that it would be a painful, downright unbearable experience. Just listening to this blow-hard's radio program for ten minutes caused my eye-lashes to fall out. I hate my boss. Damn you, Squirrel. Damn you.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Happy Halloween 2013 From The Obamas

Happy Halloween, my fellow Americans.

It's the neighborhood bully, President Barack Obama. Michelle and the daughters Malia and Sasha are back in the White House garden, replanting some pumpkins that were destroyed during the government shutdown. Actually, FLOTUS has 50 full-time staff to do that work for her.

Once again, we are preparing for our annual Halloween Party. We didn't think that we were going to have our party this year, because those dastardly Republicans shut down the government. To show that there were no hard feelings, I invited Speaker John Boehner to our big night. I understand that with his big, orange face, he will be arriving as The Crying Pumpkin.

I understand that Harry Reid will be arriving as The Crypt-Keeper and Megan Kelly will come to our party as Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. Ooooooh! SCARY!!

Secretary of State John Kerry and Director of The CIA John Brennan will come in a horse costume. Of course, our little vampire bat Valerie Jarrett will be flying around the room.

I just hope that we don't another embarrassing moment like we had last year, when 3 guys came in, looking like terrorists with bombs strapped around their chests. I thought it was my pal Bill Ayers and some guys from The Weather Underground, but those weren't costumes---they were friends from The Muslim Brotherhood.

They said "Trick or Treat", and I said,"100 or 200 f-16's?"

The Brotherhood, Bill Ayers....I sure have alot of terrorist friends. It's sometimes hard to keep track of them all....

Meanwhile, we will have Teamsters and ACORN bobbing for bribes in The Main Ballroom.

(Looking out the window) Hey, isn't that The Great Pumpkin in the victory garden? No, that only First Lady Michelle....and she's wearing orange pants.

Well, that's all for now. I only hope that those mischievous Tea-Baggers Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity don't begin throwing eggs and toilet paper at The House like they did last year. That was a big mess.

Happy Halloween. If your holiday isn't all you want it to be, just remember:

I inherited this holiday from a previous administration. Allahu Akbar.

Future Obamacare Horror Stories

Happy Halloween, everybody!

Since Obamacare debuted with a huge, disastrous thud on October 1st, we are hearing weird tales of Americans unsuccessfully trying to sign up. We laugh as liberals on TV fail in their on-air demonstrations on how to sign up for Obamacare.

We are learning that a Canadian company CGI Federal was paid $634,000,000 to develop the website. Just think of all the people we could have treated with that money.

The website ALONE might be a bigger rip-off than Solyndra.

The administration had several YEARS to create, yet they apparently didn't bother to test it. Now, we hear that if somehow YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL in getting in, you will open yourself to hackers and identity thieves. Well, isn't that special?

We're hearing stories of people losing their health care plan, their full-time jobs being eliminated, and even Obama allies hating this law. I wonder when we will begin hearing stories like these:

"I finally got myself signed in, but learned that I had accidentally sold my soul to THE DEVIL!!!"

"Hey, it was easy. They gave me a choice----between the gold death panel, the silver death panel, or the bronze."

"When I finally got in, I somehow open the door to the unmentionable place. My navigator looks like one of those cenobites. Whoops...."

"I signed in, and the government stole my identity. Then, they charged $287,935 on my credit cards. D'oh!!!"

"My navigator was an illegal alien. He might be one of those Fast and Furious guys. I better go now."

My prediction is that Stephen King will write a horror novel about Obamacare within the next ten years. If America exists 20 years from now, people will sit around campfires and tell Obamacare stories.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Was Prezzy Stompy Foot Preparing To Close Disneyland?

Last night, The House of Representatives joined The Senate in selling out the American people, caving in to Prezzy Stompy Foot. The bully-in-chief wanted to raise the debt ceiling, and was willing to bring America to the brink of default to get his way.

The Indonesian despot ordered our war memorials closed to our war heroes, then sent in police to intimidate our vets.

He ordered businesses closed, placing barrycades and orange construction cones all over America. It probably costed more to pay government employees to shut all this down than to just allow them to stay open.

This infantile jerk was determined to make this partial government shutdown as painful as he could.

He went to ridiculous lengths to force The GOP to cave to all his childish demands. He accused The GOP-controlled House of wanting to cause America to go into default, and haughtily refused to negotiate with them. Then, he accused THEM of being unreasonable.

He closed Mount Rushmore, The World War 2 Memorial, the Vietnam War Memorial, as well as businesses with the smallest connection to the federal government. I hear he even closed off the ocean to fishermen.

Many Americans wondered, "What will this prick close next?"

How about Disneyland? I'm sure that Prezzy Stompy Foot thought about it. It is The world's happiest place, and I'm sure that it was too much to take for this Micky Mouse President. If he couldn't get what HE wanted, then NOBODY will allowed to have fun, dad gummit.

Maybe the spoiled child-king considered closing down the sky. No more air travel! Ground the airlines! In fact, don't look up! Dear Leader will order his personal civilian police force to confiscate your telescope!

He closed Mount Rushmore. How about a burka over this national treasure? If The GOP had hung on for another week, Obama would have ordered a hijab be placed over The Statue of Liberty.

Doofuses like Charlie Rose and Tom Brokaw can discuss his political affiliation, and that they STILL DON'T KNOW who Barack Obama is. Real Americans know that Obama is a horse's ass and the biggest jerk this country has ever seen.

The Million Vet March Storms DC

On Sunday, scores of American war veterans defied our despot from Indonesia, and visited our war memorials in Washington DC. King Barack had barrycades set up and DC police to harass our heroes, but that didn't stop our defiant patriots. In the past, they fought The Nazis, The Viet Cong, and many other enemies.

On Sunday, they overcame ANOTHER enemy---The Obama regime.

Our heroes broke through Obama's barrycades, and piled them in front of The White House. These great Americans inspired us with their gumption as many of us followed the story on Twitter and facebook. 

King Barack had ordered our veteran memorials closed as punishment against The American People, because The Republicans in Congress were not ready to give in to the petulant brat. He shut down the government because he always wants more power, whether it's to raise 'the debt ceiling' or the power to take the purse strings away from The GOP-controlled House of Representatives.

Here is a photo album from the One-Million Veteran March on the Memorials:

The day started for these troublemakers as they sang God Bless America.....IN ENGLISH!!!

These must be those 'right-wing anarchists' I keep hearing about....

"Mr. President, we have a problem. The right-wing extremists have broken through the barrycades."

"Guys, if you're here to disperse the illegal amnesty rally...You're too late. That was Tuesday."

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Maybe Norway's Dead Voters Stayed Home

Last month, Norway's incumbent liberal Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg was voted out of office. Australia's liberal Party, led by Kevin Rudd, was voted out of power.

Two liberal state legislators in Colorado were recalled in a special election and conservative German President Angela Merkel's Christian Democrat Union/ Christian Social Union Party kept their majority.

What in the world happened to all these liberal politicians? Maybe their dead voters stayed home.

They must not be up to speed on the art of stealing elections. Team Obama could have changed the outcome of these recent elections, showing foreign leftists how to use the government to abuse and intimidate their opponents.

Maybe Angela Merkel's opponents could have offered free cell phones.

Also, where in the world was SCYTL? Were they on vacation or something? I wonder if there are any Voter ID laws, or any need for such laws, in Norway and Australia.

There's probably a pronounced difference between liberals in Norway and 'liberals' in Chicago. From what I understand about Norway, their liberals don't lie and cheat in the same manner as the gang from Chicago.

I'd be surprised if I heard that Australia disenfranchised their military voters. After all, Australia is nothing like the Banana Republic of America. It would be unacceptable anywhere outside of Obamanation that a leader could get away with it.

It's unlikely that Norway will ever elect an aggressive Marxist bully like 60,000,000 low-information dimwits in America did. It's nice to know that I can still escape to Australia, Norway, or Germany if Obama begins rounding political opponents up.

Monday, October 7, 2013

There Are Plenty Of Memorials That Obama Kept Open


Dear America,

The White House regrets having to close the World War 2 Memorial and Mount Rushmore, but Dear Leader HAS kept many vacation spots and national monuments open.

If you're planning a trip to Barack Obama's hometown of Chicago, why don't you visit Alinsky's Tomb or The Voter Fraud Hall of Fame? You can also visit The Thousand Point of Blight Memorial, formerly Valerie Jarrett's Grove Parc Apartment Building.

There are places in Washington DC that remain open, including The Obama Czar Wax Museum and The William J. Clinton Toll Bridge to Nowhere. You can also visit The Statue of The Part-Time Worker.

 Also, Detroit is still open. The entire city is a monument to one-party, Democrat rule.

You can also visit The Hall of Animatronic Communist Weirdos.

Until we can re-open the government, keep the pressure on Those Republicans terrorists and anarchists who shut the government down.

Keep fighting.

Brent Proctor, Organizing For Action

Prezzy Stompy Foot's Theme Song: My Way

The partial government shut-down began on October 1, and Prezzy Stompy Foot is determined to make everything as painful for the American people as he can. He wants Obamacare fully funded, but The House Republicans control the government's purse strings.

The House GOP have offered to fund the government, except for Obamacare, but the Democrats in the Senate have would rather shut it down if they don't get everything they want.

As usual, our 6-year-old president is behaving like a bully on the playground. He doesn't believe that he EVER has to compromise, and so he has decided to stop governing. He looks like the brat in the grocery store, kicking and screaming for a candy bar.

The adults find it rather embarrassing.

The crying brat in The White House demands that he has to have everything go 'his way'. To explain this, we have an Elvis impersonator sing Barry's new theme song:

And now, October is here
and so we face this government shutdown
Just let me be clear
Pain is coming to your town
So, I will close the memorials and 
some highways
And so, I'll Stomp my foot until you
sees things MY WAY

Me, and Harry Reid
will get our Obamacare funded fully
It's the law of the land
We are your overlord bullies
I said, 'You didn't build that.' I said it in a
a snide way
And so, my media will smear you, until
you do it MY WAY

Oh what is The House
What powers do they have?
The Constitution

makes me laugh
I refuse to compromise
Instead, I will just lie
The record shows, my presidency blows
You better do it MY WAY

I destroyed so many jobs
and then I went on vacation
This job is so below me
I want to run The United Nations
To think I won again
I say things in a sly way
But Ted Cruz and Rand Paul
are getting in MY WAY

Oh what is the law?
It's whatever I say
DC gets the exemptions
while you have to pay
If you call me ...a great big liar
I'll stomp my foot, and get my pacifier

The record shows, You're getting hosed
I have to have it MY WAY

The record shows, My presidency blows
I have to have it MY WAY