Thursday, February 28, 2013

What Are The Republicans Doing Wrong?

After the disastrous election last November, there has been a considerable amount of navel-gazing among my fellow Republicans. The moderates are telling the Tea Party Gang that we need to be more like our opponents. Some say that our problem is a change of demographics, while some of us believe that if we can eliminate the massive vote fraud, that would improve our situation.

Recently, Republican movers and shakers held a MNGOP Where Do We Go From Here? event, co-moderated by Jeff Johnson and Mitch Berg.

On the panel were Ron Paul supporter Maryanne Stebbins, Sarah Janecek, Dan "Doc" Severson, Walter Hudson, Andy Parrish, and Erin Haust. They discussed how Republicans can begin to win again.

The panel was brilliant, but I have also heard the number one rule of politics is bring your base out. The Republicans appear to have a problem accomplishing this.

Here are some personal observations:

We Republicans have an annoying habit of voting only once, then heading home to watch the results. This has to stop.

If you ask our critics, all Republicans are racist-homophobic-sexist pigs. We need to ignore our critics, and also point out that The Democrats hate Christians, Capitalists, and Gun-owners. Our opponents appeal to THEIR base through hate, and we should hammer them for it.

Our problem isn't that we haven't sucked-up enough to African-American voters. The REAL problem is that a lot of Black-Americans are bigoted. 91% of them discriminated against the qualified White candidate, Mitt Romney. See how it works? Throw it right back in their puking liberal faces.

The most memorable, most bad-ass line was said by Andy Parrish at MNGOP Where Do We Go From Here? He said:

 "There's nothing more beautiful than voter suppression". Just look at how successful Team Obama was at disenfranchising the overseas military vote, and also at flipping Romney votes via the rigged voting machines. Perhaps if the GOP cheated like The Democrats do, the state-run media will begin to care about vote fraud.

To sum it up: Hey GOP, learn how to fight dirty. Stop acting like pussies.

Happy Sequestration, America!

This Friday, those mandatory sequestration spending cuts hit, and it looks like The Mighty GOP is going to hang tough. If our guys hold the line, your bushy-tailed correspondent is planning a celebration, complete with a descending ball and party hats.

That doesn't mean that the spending cuts may not sting, but it's fun to watch the Democrats make insane fools of themselves.This week, The Sadist-in-Chief sent Department of Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood and Department of Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano out to scare the American people.

Today, mentally unbalanced California Representative Maxine Waters said that sequestration will cost America 170 million jobs.

LaHood warns us that we'll have to wait longer to get on a airplane if The GOP doesn't give in to President Tax-And-Spend's demands to increase taxes. Obama has also threatened us that food will go uninspected, FBI agents will be furloughed, and children won't get their vaccinations.

The Regime is also warning the American people that police officers and teachers will be fired, even though cops and teachers aren't federal employees.

All of his threats haven't worked, so now Obama is deliberately harming the country to force The GOP to cave. He is threatening to fire 5,000 border agents, but will still be hiring 12,000 Internal Revenue Service agents to enforce compliance of his Obamacare. He is releasing thousands of criminal aliens, and many of them are extremely dangerous.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent wonders what will it take for The U.S. House of Representatives to finally get moving on Articles of Impeachment. Perhaps if Our Kenyan Despot REALLY wants to punish his subjects, he could release canisters of anthrax on the general population. He has already directed the murder of hundreds of Americans via his Operation Fast And Furious.

Obama's Department of Homeland Security have bought up enough bullets to shoot every American 7 times, and at the same time, he's attempting to take our guns away.

He spends trillions on foreign aid, sending our weapons to our enemies in Egypt, yet threatens basic government services.

In March, we are marching towards the continuing resolution. What will The Kenyan Despot do to America next month?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Former NBA Superstar Charles Barkley Checks In

Recent news accounts paint a frightening portrait of a world gone mad, what with the Christopher Dorner story, as well as seemingly insane people in the news making absolute fools of themselves. No-nonsense former NBA superstar Sir Charles Barkley checks in with The RedSquirrel Report to comment here. Take it away, Sir Charles:

Thanks, RedSquirrel. My head is spinning 'cause all these knuckaheads supporting that murderin' jacka$$ Christopher Dorner. He was the former Los Angeles policeman who went on the murder spree after he was fired four years ago. Last week, they found him, an' the crazy knuckahead blew his own brains out.

What really torques me off are these knuckaheads on facebook supporting Dorner, egging him on. Whut the hell in wrong wit' you knuckaheads? Then, there's that idiot college professor who says that Dorner is jus' like that goofball Jamie Foxx in django.

That Jamie Foxx is a crazy knuckahead....

Jamie Foxx referred to President Obama as 'his Lord an' Savior.' What the hell's wrong wit' you, you knuckahead? That was just turrbull what you said about 'killing all the white guys'. Racist knuckahead.

There was that writer from Gawker who compared the cold weather with The Holocaust. What the hell is wrong with you, you idiot knuckahead? That's turrbull.

Then, there's comedian Chris Rock, who said that The President is like the daddy and boss of the country. He ain't my daddy, you knuckahead.

Finally, there's the gang of knuckaheads at MSNBC. That brain-dead knuckahead Toure' is ALWAYS saying sumptin' stupid. What a knuckahead.

Peace out.

Sir Charles Barkley

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

What Is Prince's Secret For Staying So Young?

Our funky local superstar Prince looks quite youthful, even in his 50's. Last week, he made an appearance at The Grammys, where he presented an award.

For everyone out there wondering just how Mr. Nelson has managed to keep such a youthful appearance----here is his secret:

He lives in a cryogenic chamber.......................It's called Minnesota.

Food Riot At Minneapolis South High School

Last Thursday there was an outbreak of violence at Minneapolis South High School. We've learned that about 300 Black-American students clashed with Somali students, so 70 police officers were called in.

I first heard about this story during the top of the hour news on the radio.

The newsman described it as a 'food fight', so my first instinct was to blame it on First Lady Michelle Obama and her terrible 'healthy-eating' school lunch initiative.

Here's Your Sign

Comedian Bill Engvall does a stand-up bit called, "Here's Your Sign", where he talks about the people you deal with daily and the dumb things they do and say. Then, he suggests that these knuckleheads carry THIS SIGN around.


There are times when people will make your head spin with moments of incredible stupidity. Here are just a couple of recent examples:

Comedian Chris Rock went to Capitol Hill recently to lend his support for The Child Tyrant's gun control initiative, saying:

"The President of the United States is, you know, our boss. But he is also, you know, The President and The First Lady are kinda like the Mom and Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something, you listen."

It was President's Day last Monday. I wonder if Mr. Rock bought President Obama a tie and a mug that reads "World's Greatest President/Daddy/Boss"....

Now, calling The President "Daddy of the country"  and "Boss of the country" is dangerously stupid, but that's NOTHING compared to what writer for Gawker Media's car blog Jalopnik, Travis Okulski, tweeted in January. The tweet read:

"I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this cold weather is far worse than the Holocaust."

Mr. Okulski did delete this offensive, insane tweet, but this trivialization of what happened to millions of Jews will remain , because Twitter is forever. This knucklehead should visit The Holocaust Museum before he thinks about comparing ANYTHING to The Holocaust.

I checked to see if Bill Engvall had a Twitter account, and it appears that he has tweeted only once. I think that Twitter is the most target-rich environment for finding stupidity on Earth, so he really should be here more often.

Twitter all-star Kurt Schlichter tells his Tweepponents to "Fetch my latte", after ridiculing them. Bill Engvall could end each Twitter battle with this:

"Oh, and before you leave----Here's your sign."

Rubio Drank Water: In Other News....

Following the blitzkrieg of falsehoods and demagoguery last Tuesday, also known as Our Child Dictator's State of the Union Address, Florida Senator Marco Rubio was called upon to give the Republican Response. In the middle of his highly articulate rebuttal, he stopped, and took a swig from a water bottle.

It appears that the Florida Republican has touched off a potential scandal with that gulp of h20. Yes, folks....

It is true. Marco Rubio drinks water. In other news, The President has sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers. One of those guns was used in the murder of Border Agent Bryan Terry, but that troublesome fact pales in comparison to the scandal that is Rubio's Watergate.

Did you hear that Marco Rubio drinks water? Well, in other news, The President abandoned Americans Chris Stevens, Glen Doherty, Tyrone Woods, and Sean Smith to be murdered in Benghazi, Libya. But that's NOTHING compared to the fact that Rubio drinks water.

The kids at CNN and MSNBC think that this Rubio story should pretty much be a real career-ender for the parched Senator. Republicans with a case of cottonmouth should be sent packin'. Meanwhile, The President consistently ignores and abuses his Oath of Office, but the REAL IMPORTANT story is that Senator Marco Rubio drinks water.

Oh, this just in:

30 witnesses who saw the murders in Benghazi have disappeared. The Obama Administration will not let them tell the world what they saw on September 11, 2012. But, That's not important. The REAL news is that Senator Marco Rubio, Republican from the great State of Florida, interrupted his short, televised speech to hydrate himself.

Call me suspicious, but I'm starting to think The Obama state-run media hates Republicans. They really HATE the popular Florida Senator because they see him as a threat, and because his family escaped from Fidel Castro's communist hellhole.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

We Have A Preview Of Tonight's State Of The Union Address

(Democrats and invited illegal aliens cheering wildly) Thank you .... Thanks....Thank you....Please stop....Sheila Jackson-Lee, Please stop jumping up and down.........Thank you....Is there a doctor in the house? It looks like Representative Pelosi just fainted....

Thank you.

Senate Leader Reid, Speaker Boehner, honored guests....Because of ME, The State of the Union is STRONG! (Democrats go nuts. Republicans laugh.)

When I was elected in 2008, I inherited the worst economic mess in the country's history. After destroying the coal industry, retarding the oil industry, robbing the taxpayer, and SHOWERING my supporters and cronies with STIMULUS, I can report without any hesitation that my cronies and public employee unions are better off than they were just four years ago! (Democrats stand, cheering loudly).

This year, MY Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act will make all health care absolutely free for everyone! (Democrats stand, cheering uncontrollably).

BUT LET ME BE CLEAR. As good as things are now, some folks on the other side of the aisle are keeping ME from realizing my father's dream. My Utopia will not be realized as long as hateful voices on talk radio, as well as those hash tag hijackers, are allowed to spread opposition to my plans.

Tonight I will introduce my new initiative that I call QE ZOOM. I will order that as long as you can prove that you're an Obama supporter, you can have much money as you want. Just send $20 to Obama For America. We take all credit cards.

Basically, I am like the genie in a bottle, granting all my voters three wishes. And the best thing is, it's free! (The Democrats cheer wildly. The Republicans look around, shaking their heads).

As for this sequester thing, I say that there's no spending problem. PARTY ON! As for the debt ceiling, I say, 'Raise the roof, raise the roof...." (The Democrats push their hands in the air, and do the 'Raise the Roof' dance)....

....and let's make The Koch Brothers, the cigarette companies, and 'big oil' pay for it.

I am pleased to carry on a great State of the Union tradition, by introducing some honored guests in the gallery. Seated with the First Lady is Juan Rodriquez, his wife, his 9 anchor babies, and 30 relatives. Just look at Juan's beautiful family, and remember:

THE REPUBLICANS WANT TO ARREST AND DEPORT ALL OF THEM, EVEN JUAN'S 3-YEAR-OLD SON, FRANKY! (The Democrats face The Republicans, 'Booing' and 'jeering' loudly).

We have also invited victims of gun violence. Please stand, all of you! Just remember, The National Rifle Association causes gun violence. I want America to know that I WILL NOT REST until REASONABLE GUN CONTROL legislation is finally passed.

Nobody needs AN ASSAULT RIFLE, except for dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

Before I go on, I would like to ask Secret Service to remove Ted Nugent from the guest box. He's looking at me.

I've sent 20 F-I6's to our friends in Egypt to protect them from THE JOOS. (The Democrats applaud. The camera pans to Jewish Republican Eric Cantor. He doesn't appear to be pleased).

Last November 6, I was SO HUMBLED by my re-election. I want to thank my lawyers who worked like HELL to delay the delivery of ballots to those serving in the military overseas. I also want to thank my friends at SCYTL. They did a terrific job of counting the votes. I also want to give a 'shout-out' to Democrat activists who rigged the voting machines, as well as everyone who risked imprisonment if they were caught voting illegally. (The Democrats cheer wildly).

I STILL believe that voting should be made easier. Some people are still forced to wait 20-30 minutes in line, and I think that is simply inhumane. There are some extremists who argue that this country needs a National Voter ID Law. I would like to tell these extreme voices that this is not Nazi Germany. (The Democrats point at The Republicans, and blow on the whistles hanging around their necks). 

Finally, I want to thank my state-run Obama media. Thanks for misleading the American people on the 15% real unemployment rate and foreclosure signs as far as the eye can see. Thanks for touting the Dow Jones blasting through 14,000, while ignoring the QE bubble.

Thanks for making me look almost God-like to my supporters. With suck-up sycophants like you, I feel like I can get away with anything.

Well, That's my time. I'm outta here. Bless the United States of Obama! Good night.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Obama Regime Will Produce A Civil Defense Film

As Our Kenyan Despot travels around this country, and tries to undermine the Second Amendment, normal Americans are left wondering just what will happen to this country if we lose our right to keep and bear arms.

I think that if Obama and the gun-grabbers are successful, the lawless may have a field day. America could become a nation of murder victims and refuseniks, and the murder rate will explode.

Many criminals will make the mistake of thinking that law-abiding Americans will be easy prey, and will be surprised when they find out that many Americans still have guns.

I see The Regime producing a civil defence film, similar to the ones made during the Cold War. The most well-known of these films, "Duck And Cover", told kids across the country to duck under their desk if The Ruskies drop an Atomic bomb outside their school.

Perhaps Obama and the administration will produce a film that tells his low-information voters what they should do if a criminal is about to rob or kill them.

"Cower And Die"

Many of us knew what was at stake last November 6. If Obama won re-election, he will go on a non-stop, freedom-stomping blitzkrieg. He will no longer be worried about his popularity because won't have to worry about re-election.

Yet, the low-information voters and the state-run propaganda ministry re-elected him.

Now, Obama plans to disarm the American people as he sells arms to dangerous Mexican drug dealers while also giving our F-16's to maniacal Islamic weirdos in Egypt.

Perhaps Lena Dunham can co-star with Bert The Turtle on THIS PROJECT.

Happy Black History Month

February is Black History Month, and throughout the next 28 days, The RedSquirrel Report will be remembering history makers with dark skin.

Black History started somewhere between 20,000 and 20,000,000 years ago, when God created The Black Race, and everything was great....

....and then the white devil came around.

All of the great civilizations were started by people with dark skin. The first technological advances were started in Africa. The first super-highways and hospitals were built in Egypt.

The Muslims created algebra, and also invented television. But then, that pasty-skinned homo Alexander The Great broke the nose off of The Great Sphinx, and nearly destroyed The Black Race.

Then, Kunte Kinte was taken into slavery by The White Devil. That fat honky Benjamin Franklin brought Sean "Puff Daddy" Coombs' Great-Great Grandfather to America, and sold him....

Because to Whitey, It's All About The Benjamins....

America fought a Civil War for four long years, where over half of a million men lost their lives. Most of these men were Black slaves caught in the crossfire.

After that, a young Republican Cracker from South Carolina named Strom Thurmond started the Ku Klux Klan. A Mississippi Representative named Jim Crow pushed a horrible, racist bill through Congress, cementing America's reputation as "the most racist country on the face of the Earth and the center of all oppression and all things evil"....

That's enough for now. I am Morgan Freeman, and we will continue the story next time....

Monday, February 4, 2013

Filibuster Reading Material

CNN anchor Tom Foreman recently disclosed that he had sent a letter to President Obama every day since he assumed office in 2009. Yes folks, that's 1,650 letters.

Some of us know that state-run Obama media hacks are shameless suck-ups, relentlessly hyping our Kenyan despot and constantly trashing his critics. The CNN anchor appears to be rather proud of this obsessive man-crush.

How can this clown ever be taken seriously? We have a free press so that the people can hold our elected officials feet to the fire.

In fact, this gives your bushy-tailed correspondent an idea. The next time our Republican Senators decide to wage a filibuster, they should take to the floor, and read all of these love letters out-loud. Now, THAT would be entertainment, and it would also illustrate the inappropriate relationship that exists between The Democrats and their brown-nosing allies in the state-run media.

Or, a Republican Senator could take the floor, and begin reading The Patient Protection And Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare). From what I've heard, almost nobody in Congress read this terrible piece of legislation before it was passed in 2010.

If America Had National Voter ID....

Watching the news this week, it struck me just how things would be different right now if we had a national voter ID law. In this alternative universe....

....the Senate might be confirming the terrific ambassador John Bolton as the new Secretary of State, instead we have a Lurch to the left in Senator John Kerry....

....we would be sending our Kenyan despot back to wherever it is he's from, and Joe Biden can make a fool of himself all he wants in relative obscurity....

....the government would begin to solve our real problems, instead of dreaming up ways of violating our Second Amendment rights....

....we would be talking about strengthening our friendship with allies instead of sending our F-16's to fanatical Islamist weirdos like Mohammad Morsi of Egypt....

We could be seriously investigating what happened in Benghazi, the Fast and Furious gun-running scheme, and various other scandals would be brought to light....

....and Obama's maniacal Attorney General Eric Holder would have to answer for his crimes against America.