Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Correspondent Jackie Mason Comments On "SchlongGate"

Our correspondent Jackie Mason returns, with this commentary on "SchlongGate".

So, these shmendricks are getting their undies in a bunch over Republican candidate Donald Trump referring to Hillary Clinton "getting schlonged" by the pisher child-king Barry Obama? I wish these schmucks in the msm were as offended with all the corruption in the Obama White House.

As far as I'm concerned, this brouhaha barely even amounts to bupkes, in comparison with the child-king Barry destroying this country I love. I think when it comes to getting things done, Trump's a maven. In fact, he's a mensch.

I hope who ever The GOP nominee is, he or she kicks Hillary's tuchas in the general election.

I kind of like Trump's shtick, and how he gets people talking about issues regular Americans care about. We're sick of Hillary and her allies kvetching about Trump. Her former boss imports thousands of foreigners who hate us, and she's crying because Trump might have misused a Yiddish word?

Millions of Americans are having their health plans cancelled because of Obamacare, and this yenta and her friends in the msm are wasting our time on this? God help us.

After being "schlonged" by these creeps in The White House for 8 years, it will be good to throw these commie putzes out. The wife of that out-of-control creep Bill Clinton has some chutzpah blabbering about anyone being "schlonged". He used Monica Lewinsky as a human humidor.

That's all for now. Sheynam dank,

Jackie Mason

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Obama Twelve Days Of Christmas 2015

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, Obama gave to us....

12 million illegal aliens

11 impeachable high crimes

10 freaky leftist czars

9 trillion in new debt

8 more liars lying

7 race riots

6 murdered White Christians

50,000 Syrian refugees

4 TSA agents molesting my daughter

3 new wars

2 cancelled healthcare plans

and a ruined national economy

Monday, December 21, 2015

And Now, The Barack Obama Christmas Weather Forecast

Our national security continues to be threatened with temperatures in the 30's this week. It's a good thing that I destroyed the coal industry, or you folks in Minneapolis may be facing extinction.

On Christmas Eve, expect temps to hover around 22 degrees. This will probably give Santa a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, so he may cancel his yearly trip. While I'm loading up Air Force One for my Hawaii vacay, it looks like your children will probably get no presents this year. You can blame The Republicans for this.

When you wake up on Christmas Day you may need your sun block, as the daytime temp will top out at a Hellish 33 degrees. 

Overall, daytime temps will fluctuate wildly between 30 and 38 degrees. Back to you, Steve and Cindy.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

AG Loretta Lynch: If You See Something, Say Something. Unless They're Muslim

President Obama's Attorney General Loretta Lynch takes a break from her stakeout of Obama critic Tom Francois' home to send us this important message to the American people:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,
In the wake of the mass murder at the Christmas office party in San Bernardino, and other recent examples of death-by-Muslim, I just would like to take this time to remind the American people that if you see anything suspicious, contact us at The U.S. Attorney General's Office, Department of Justice.

Don't contact your local police. They're mostly White, and take pleasure in killing innocent Black-Americans. We're in the process of taking over local police departments, and replacing them with 'Obama cops.'

If you see something, say something---unless they appear to be Muslim. The husband and wife that shot up that Christmas office party in San Bernardino, California were only exercising their freedom of religion. I am proud to say that my office is investigating the Christmas office party victims instead. It appears that the shooting victims deserved what they got for provoking their Muslim co-worker to violence.

And so, my boss is toying with the idea of banning Christmas office parties. Christians are responsible for so much violence, racism, and hate. The Christians at that Christmas office party probably made the shooters feel 'left out', and that's almost as bad as when a young person is bullied at school.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important case I'm working on right now. Right-wing Obama critic Tom Francois is on Twitter at this moment spreading his racist hate against Dear Leader, and I'm in a large black van with two secret service agents two blocks away, monitoring him.

Allahu Akbar,

Attorney General Loretta Lynch

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

A Christmas Message To Actress Jennifer Lawrence

During the Christmas season, we should remember that some people suffer from melancholia and loneliness. One of these people recently did an interview with Vogue Magazine.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence disclosed that she is lonely. The star of The Hunger Games is beautiful, talented, and wealthy, yet suffers from loneliness.

We here at RSR would like to help her out of her current condition. One of our writers would like to meet her over coffee. His name is Joe, and he has a very special message for Ms. Lawrence:

Dear Katniss,

I was saddened to learn that you are suffering from loneliness. The Christmas holiday season should be a time spent with those you love, and it's not fair that a beautiful girl like you should be spending it alone.

I am a very single blogger here in Minneapolis, and I have my own place. Contact me, and maybe we can get together over coffee or lunch. You don't have be lonely anymore.

Call me anytime, Jen.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Santa Claus: I Hate Obama's Stinking Guts

Santa Claus
Our correspondent makes his yearly visit to The North Pole, and finds a normally jolly St. Nick despondent and in an incredibly foul mood. Today is casual Friday at Santa's Toyshop, and he is wearing a grey hoodie and sweatpants.

His wife says that Santa has stopped eating, and she is worried sick. St. Nick spends his days and nights throwing darts at the Barack Obama dartboard in his office. Still, our guy spoke to him, and St. Nick had this to say:

God-dammit, I hate that asshole's stinking guts. How could nice, normal Americans ever elect that jack-ass TWICE? I get thousands of letters from sweet kids asking me to get their mommies and daddies a nice present because they've been laid off or had their hours cut due to Obamacare.

I know when you've been naughty, and I know when you've been nice, but that sociopath maniac Obama is just plain EVIL!

Innocent people are getting slaughtered by sick Islamo-Nazis all over, and that jack-ass says that 'climate change' is America's greatest national security threat? Dear God, as someone who works and lives at The North Pole, I don't mind a little global warming once in a while. It's nice to have it in the upper 30's instead of 20 below.

Our correspondent asked Santa what will Barack Obama be getting in his Christmas stocking:

Last year, and the year before that, he got a big, steaming reindeer turd. This year, I'm filling a paper bag with a huge turd, and setting it on fire on the White House front step. President Creepy will see it, and try to stomp out the flaming bag. One of my elves will videotape it, and put it on YouTube. Security is so lousy at The White House, we will probably accomplish this undetected.

Of course, Obama's Attorney General Loretta Lynch will probably put me on Obama's 'terrorist watch list'.

That ass-hole is bitching about Donald Trump not wanting any more Muslim troublemakers into America. Meanwhile, that anti-Christian bigot Obama refuses to allow persecuted Christians into the country. Effing creep. Damn, I hate his filthy, stinking guts.

Then, our correspondent asked Santa what will be the most popular gift he will be putting under American Christmas trees:

GUNS!!!! LOTS OF GUNS!!!! Listen, America's in trouble, and I'll be putting 20 million guns under American Christmas trees this year. I'm also doing this in Sweden and Norway, and any other place where these idiot governments keep letting violent Muslims into their countries.

A LOT of girls and women need to start protecting themselves from these goat-fucking, violent animals. Rape by Muslim males is rampant in these countries.

As for that prick Obama, he's been sending his commie union bosses up here to unionize our elves. I'm thinking about quitting, or maybe becoming a defense contractor. Maybe then that idiot will get off my case.

Finally, our correspondent wished Santa a Merry Christmas. To that, Santa huffed:

Oh yeah, Ho, ho, ho....whatever.


Thursday, November 26, 2015

And Now, The RSR Weather Report

Today was a delightful, cool Thanksgiving Day, with temps in the upper 30's....

....or as the president calls it, 'this country's greatest national security threat.'

Back to you, Jeff and Cindy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Yakov Smirnoff Reports From The 2015 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

Hello America! This is Yakov Smirnoff, reporting from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Since Communist Mayor Bill DeBlasio was elected, the local authorities felt that it was time for a change to this grand Thanksgiving Day tradition.

Gone are the festive floats, high school marching bands, and big, happy Snoopy, Garfield, and SpongeBob SquarePants balloons. In fact, I don't see hardly any police to keep order. They've been replaced by President Obama's Personal Civilian Security. 

Grand Marshal Comrade Mayor Bill DeBlasio blows his whistle! Either he's starting the parade, or he caught someone in possession of a salty food!

Leading the parade this year is our friends at Occupy Wall Street, complete with a drum circle! Oh is crapping on a police car! There ARE police here, after all! Either that, or the car was stolen.

Here comes a float with former Mayor-for-life Michael Bloomberg, waving to the crowd. Uh oh, angry New Yorkers are throwing their cups of soda at him!

Here come The Black Lives Matter float! They're jumping off the float......onto another stolen police car! Now, they're tipping it over....

Now, here comes our first balloon! Oh wait, it's just New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. There's a balloon BEHIND HIM! It's Nikita Khrushchev! 

Now, here comes a sea of purple t-shirts from the Service Employees International Union! Oh-oh! They're in the crowd. Now, they're beating up the crowd! Will somebody help the Black gentleman get back into his wheelchair?

Now, here comes hundreds of minimum wage activists, marching in a very long line. Now, they are marching straight towards a local government services center, where they will hope to wait in an unemployment line. Hey comrades, the government services center is closed! It's a holiday....

Here comes ANOTHER balloon! Wow, that Kim Jong Un balloon is impressive!  Heh, heh, heh....What a COMMIE!

Now, here comes some horse-drawn carriages. Now, Commissar DeBlasio is sending his secret police to arrest the drivers. Oooooh, and right behind them is a float with red and yellow flowers that form a large hammer and sickle, courtesy of The Communist Party U.S.A.!

Following that float is a limo with a bust of KARL MARX mounted on the front! It feels like I'm back home and it's the 1970's!

And, finally, bringing up the rear is hundreds of low-information activists and Obama supporters, and they're all in donkey costumes. I'm sure that these folks will ALWAYS be bringing up the rear!

Well, that's it for The 2015 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, sponsored this year by George Soros. If there's an America next year, we'll do this again! See ya then! So long from Bill DeBlasio's New York City!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

President Obama's Thanksgiving Address To America 2015

My fellow Americans,

Before you sit down with your families for your Thanksgiving feast, I need to warn all Americans who plan any traveling. You should probably just stay where you are because I'm announcing a worldwide travel warning to all Americans, due to the number one threat to our national climate change. 

The only people who will not be experiencing a travel restriction will be the 100,000 Syrian 'refugees' that will be arriving in America soon. Hopefully, they will 'thank me' on Election Day 2016.

 As for ISIS, the American people can be thankful to ME because I am happy to announce that ISIS has been contained. In fact, they're on the run. The massive, widespread murder that occurred in Paris is due to climate change.

As you pass the potatoes, I hope that you will remind your Republican Uncle about the many ways my administration has made America a better, more just nation. Now, undocumented immigrants get free healthcare. As for all the veterans languishing in our scandal-ridden VA system, just say what I say....

"It's the Republicans' fault!"

After you finish the apple and cherry pie, sit down with your younger relatives, and remind them about all the ways that The Muslim faith has woven itself in the fabric of America. Tell them about the father of our country, Abdul Abdul Muhammed Washington, as well as Abduliham Lincoln Muhammed, who freed the slaves. 

Now, those bigoted, cowardly Republicans want to keep Syrian women and their children out of the country. What do they have against refugees who just want a better life???

You can also remind your relatives that Obamacare is working exactly as it's supposed to! There are many ways that my presidency has improved this country. My people will keep sending you our exciting e-mails, so stay near you inbox!

As for me, I am thankful for low-information voters and weak-kneed, establishment Republicans in Congress. I'm also thankful for my most dedicated supporters....the mainstream press.

I'm thankful for race-baiting allies like Al Sharpton, and for morally-defective Democrat supporters in Hollywood. Gobble, gobble.

Alluhu Akbar....

President Barack Hussein Obama


Monday, November 23, 2015

Red Foreman: Those Troublemakers At Mizzou Need A Foot To The Ass

We here at The RedSquirrel Report have asked one of our correspondents to comment on the recent news at The University of Missouri, so we welcome Red Foreman back to RSR, who sends us this commentary:

Gee, thanks 'Squirrel.

 I'm still trying to get my mind around the insanity being perpetrated by these petulant, snot-nosed brats at the University of Missouri. So, someone CLAIMED that they saw a swastika made of POOP, so they demanded that some white University President guy step down. In the 90's, if someone made a swastika made of poop, that person would have gotten a grant from The National Endowment for the Arts. 

It looks like the Black students are crying about everything that's happened in America since the country began, and the football team has demanded that the White head coach resign. I'll bet that Creep George Soros is behind this, but I never knew he cared much about college football.

Then, the dumb-asses on campus wants to do away with college exams. These are probably the same scholars who never take notes in class, or even attend classes for that matter. When my son Eric got bad grades, I grounded him and told him to buckle down. I never thought about marching down to the school, and demand that his principal be fired.

I think what these protesting brats need is a swift foot up their ass.

How is it even POSSIBLE that these runny-nosed, little creeps at the University of Missouri not be expelled from this college? Things are going to Hell fast. First, there was that insipid weirdo Pajama Boy, now THIS.

We've had decades of political correctness, and we also have someone in The White House who believes that he can do whatever he damn well pleases without any opposition. Now, these kids are copying their leftist hero, and they know that the school administrators are cowards. 

Colleges aren't teaching anything really useful anymore. Instead, they're churning out little commies and community organizers.

Instead of giving in to these troublemakers, The University of Missouri should have kicked their sorry asses out.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Dr. Ben Carson And Barack Obama. A Side-By-Side Comparison

In the wake of POLITICO's hit piece on Black presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, where they said that he admitted he lied about getting a scholarship to West Point, your bushy-tailed
correspondent thought about the msm's treatment of Carson, and their shameless cheer-leading for Barack Obama in 2008 and 2012.

I thought it could be interesting to do a little side-by-side compare and contrast of Republican Dr. Ben Carson and Marxist criminal Barack Obama:

Dr. Ben Carson graduated from The University of Michigan Medical School. Barack Obama refuses to release his college transcripts.

Dr. Ben Carson is one of the finest pediatric neurosurgeons in the world. Barack Obama uses a rhetorical butcher knife to carve the country up along racial lines.

Dr. Ben Carson believes that law-abiding Americans should be allowed to arm themselves. Barack Obama is trying to disarm law-abiding citizens. He has also sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers in Operation Fast And Furious.

Dr. Ben Carson is a devout Seventh-day Adventist Christian. Barack Obama insults Christians constantly.

Dr. Ben Carson admits that he has done bad things when he was a young man before turning his life around. Barack Obama is currently destroying America. 

Dr. Ben Carson works hard. Barack Obama punishes hard work, and says 'You didn't build that' to hard-working entrepreneurs.

To the msm, Dr. Ben Carson is a Black Conservative Republican, and must be destroyed because he is leading in some presidential polls just like Herman Cain in 2012. Barack Obama is a leftist messiah, so they worship him.

Someone should stick it right back in the msm's face, and write an expose' on those racists at POLITICO.

Monday, November 16, 2015

More Questions I'd Ask The Democrat Presidential Candidates

Last Saturday, there was a Democrat Presidential debate. I didn't see it, but there are a few questions I would ask if I were the moderator:

In the wake of the horrific ISIS attacks in Paris last Friday night, do the candidates STILL believe that climate change is America's greatest national security threat?

Also, we have learned that the terrorists in Paris lined up their unarmed victims, and murdered them. Do you still believe in disarming law-abiding American citizens?

Also, we are learning that at least one of these attackers was one of those 'Syrian refugees' we keep hearing about in the news What is your position on allowing thousands of these 'refugees' into our country?

I Understand There Was A Democrat Presidential Debate Last Saturday

Your bushy-tailed correspondent understands that there was a Democrat presidential debate last Saturday. I didn't watch it, so I am asking ANY NORMAL AMERICAN who may have watched it just what the candidates said.

The Democrats scheduled their debate on a Saturday night. hoping that NO ONE will see what these candidates have to say about what their plans are for this country. This debate was for their most radicalized base voters and activists.

The DNC will schedule a few debates to fulfill an obligation that there will be debates, before Hillary Clinton's eventual coronation.

Meanwhile. there were horrific ISIS attacks all over Paris on Friday night. At one site in a concert venue, the murderers lined up their unarmed victims and shot them dead. There were bombs at a soccer stadium, and innocent people just trying to enjoy themselves were murdered by these goat-screwing, inbred, Satan-worshipping douches.

Did the Democrat candidates even mention these attacks? I understand that Socialist Democrat Bernie Sanders said that climate change is STILL our number one national security threat. Really? How is it possible to live as long as Bernie Sanders has and still not learn ANYTHING about how the real world works?

He STILL believes in socialism, and man-made climate change. Well, God bless his little heart. The fact that thousands attend his rallies probably proves that we have not yet won the War On Drugs.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

And Now, The Barack Obama Weather Forecast

The current temperature is a Hellish 65 degrees in Minneapolis. Tonight, millions of people will die a terrible death due to global warming, as the temperature free falls to 58 degrees.

Our planet will continue it's downward death spiral to Hell due to global climate change, as the temperature will reach an infernal day temperature of (gasp!).....48 degrees!!!

All the bald eagles will die on Saturday as the day temp reaches a nightmarish 46 degrees. Eagles can't sweat, so their heads will overheat and explode due to these high temperatures.

Because of America's dependence on fossil fuels, day temperatures early next week will fluctuate wildly between 55 and 57 degrees. Please, if you have any elderly neighbors, check in on them.

Once again, Dear Leader will experience much difficulty lowering the sea levels. And that is your Barack Obama weather forecast. Back to you, Steve and Carol.....

Monday, October 26, 2015

Hillary Clinton's War On Women

Hillary Clinton wants to be the first female president, and the Democrats constantly lie about a supposed Republican War On Women.

Her mainstream news media cheerleaders are determined to elect Hillary president, and refuse to ask her any tough questions. If the Democrat front-runner ever allowed your bushy-tailed correspondent to ask her a couple questions, I'd ask the following:

"How can you ever talk about this ficticious Republican War On Women, when you personally destoyed countless women while heading your husband's "Bimbo Eruptions Unit?" 

"If you are elected president, will it be proper to refer to your husband Bill as "FROTUS", or First Rapist?"

Juanita Broaddrick would probably like an answer to that question.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

RSR's Stupid Question Of The Week

Each Friday, ABC News does it's Person Of The Week feature. We at The RedSquirrel Report are considering our own special Friday feature.

So, we are excited to debut our new feature. We are calling it our Stupid Question Of The Week.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent missed Hillary's testimony before the House Select Committee on Benghazi. I just want to get up to speed on where we are, so I'm just asking all of my well-informed readers this question:

"Did Hillary Clinton lie during her appearance before the House Select Committee on Benghazi?"

The RedSquirrel Report welcomes your questions and comments.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

My Bold Prediction

Hillary Clinton's campaign will end tonight at the 34 minute mark of the Democrat Presidential Debate on CNN, when Anderson Cooper actually asks her a tough question.

She will go into her telekinetic state, and begin moving objects around the large room using her mind, just like the prom scene in the 1976 horror movie classic, Carrie.

The Wynn Hotel will catch fire, and the debate will end in death and flames.

To Obama, Some Lives Matter More Than Others

When it comes to gun violence, it appears that to the president, some lives matter more than others.

When Trayvon Martin was killed, he was totally on the case. It looked liked The Black Panthers were going to literally lynch shooter George Zimmerman, and it appeared that our race-baiter-In-Chief was fine with it. As for Michael Brown, I thought Obama was going to erect a statue for the thug who tried to grab a policeman Darren Wilson's gun and wound up being shot dead.

On the other hand, he had nothing to say in the case of Kate Steinle. This is because she was murdered by an violent illegal alien. Dear Leader is trying to overrun America with illegals and 3rd world 'refugees', and a White woman's murder was bad for his narrative. So, Michael Brown's and Trayvon Martin's life matters. As for Katie Steinle, not so much.

When Muslim Muhammad Yousef Abdulazeez shot up a Chattanooga recruiting office, the creep in the White House didn't call for gun control. When Border Agent Bryan Terry was murdered by dangerous Mexican drug dealers, the child-king didn't call for more gun control. That's because Obama didn't want to call attention to the laws he himself broke selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers in Operation Fast And Furious.

To Barry, we need strict gun control to keep law-abiding Americans from defending themselves while he sells guns to drug dealers. Now, he's calling for more gun control in the wake of the murders at the community college in Roseburg, Oregon.

It's remarkable that Obama's supporters get their undies in a wad when Democrat Presidential Candidate Martin O'Malley dared to say that All Lives Matter at a campaign stop. I guess the folks at Black Lives Matter believe their lives matter more.

It's strange that we have someone in The White House who appears SO BORED with human suffering. What excites him is using tragedy to feed his naked lust for power.

Monday, October 5, 2015

SNL Features First Robot Performer

Saturday Night Live made history this weekend by featuring a robot in one of it's skits.


The studio audience cheered and laughed wildly.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

A Question For The Democrat Presidential Debate

The current president boasts that he's destroyed the coal industry. As president, which U.S. industries will you destroy?

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Today's Michelle Obama School Lunch Menu


rice cakes w/ soy paste (with rainbow-colored food coloring)

skim milk

The Pope In Washington: Finally, A 'Christian' Obama Likes

Last week, Dear Leader took a break from his non-stop persecution of Christians to welcome Pope Francis. While Yazidi girls are raped, tortured, and murdered by ISIS butchers, our little dictator welcomed the anti-capitalist pontiff to help him spread his gospel of envy and failure.

I only heard a few lines from the pontiff's speech to Congress, but I understand that he talked about Obama pet cause, Global climate change. This is a serious problem that threatens all life on planet Earth. Right now as I am writing this, it's a Hellish 63 degrees here in Minneapolis. Damn you, global warming.

He also told us that America must do more to combat poverty, because EBT cards, free food stamps, free healthcare, free cell phones, and free housing subsidies ISN'T ENOUGH!!!

The Pope said that all life is sacred, and we need to protect it. Obama took his mic, and added "EXCEPT FOR THE COPS!" I'm not sure if Pope Francis mentioned the Christian holocaust happening across The Middle East. I understand that he agrees with our little dictator that importing 'refugees' from Syria is the 'right thing to do.'

I was just wondering if Francis mentioned Planned Parenthood in his speech. I'm sure it's a sin to butcher live babies, and sell their body parts, but I don't know if The Bible even mentions it.

Did he mention those Yazidi girls being tortured, raped, and murdered? I think I missed it. Well, maybe next time he's in town.

The Pope did perform one miracle while he was in DC. Somehow, he did cause Speaker John Boehner to resign.


Thursday, September 24, 2015

Good News For Republicans

Chances are decent that we will have a Republican President in 2017, unless the current occupant of the White House cancels the election or begins throwing his opponents in prison.

While Real Estate Mogul and GOP front-runner Donald Trump talks about making America great again, and speaks on policy as well as his past positions, Democrat front-runner Hillary Clinton dodges questions concerning all of her illegal activities centering around illegal emails and the illegal use of secret servers.

While Trump is being asked about the President of Kazakhstan, the Democrat presidential candidates are being allowed to run against the last seven years of failure and disgrace without having to talk about who has been in the Oval Office for the last seven years.

While Former Hewlett-Packard Executive and GOP Presidential candidate Carly Fiorina gladly lays out solid policy positions and wins debates, Hillary Clinton keeps anyone who may ask her a tough question behind a rope.

While GOP Senate rock star Ted Cruz eloquently make his case about making America a better, freer place, Hillary Clinton runs away from her history of corruption and ineptitude.

As each of the GOP candidates deal with lying, smirking journalists looking for the next GOTCHA! moment, Hillary keeps their collective nuts in her lock box. Are they afraid of her or something?

While the Dems have their pick of 3 or 4 geriatric socialists, the real energy belongs to the Republican field. Trump is cheered like a rock star at his rallies, and the debates are simply fantastic.

On the other hand, Republicans again will have to deal with rampant voter fraud and Obama's army of inner-city cheaters. So, the Dems have THAT going for them.

The greatest thing that Republicans have going for them is an out-of-touch, narcissistic child-president drunk on power.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

My Update

Today, I'm investing heavily in this new cause, I Support The Republican Trump Not The Democrat Trump (ISRTNDT), buying 500 shares.

Also, I'm really excited in Scott Walker 4 President (SW4P). I've just bought 1000 shares at 100gc's a share, and.....Wait a minute.... He's about to make an announcement.

Oh, shit. Does anybody wanna buy my SW4P shares at 10gc's a share?

Also, I've just bought some shares of All Lives Matter. Oh look, there's a crowd gathering outside my house.

Well, that's all for now.

Red Forman: Muslim Invaders Tell Germans To Cancel Oktoberfest?

It appears that the Muslim invaders are demanding that Germans cancel Oktoberfest, and The Council Of American-Islamic Relations are demanding that Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson withdraw from the race because he doesn't think he wants a Muslim President. 

Here to give his two cents on these two news stories is our correspondent Red Forman. Take it away:

Thanks, Squirrel.

So, these Muslim dummkopfs want the Germans to cancel Oktoberfest. Hey you assholes, how about cancelling Ramadan? How 'bout I put my foot up your ass? 

You're demanding that The Germans cancel their national party. How about the world demands that you eff off. So, I suppose it's because you disapprove of alcoholic consumption. You Muslims disapprove of beer, you don't like dogs, and you keep your women covered up in Burkas.

No wonder you're so hard to be around. You're wound up too tightly. I think you need a dog. Look into it's eyes, and kiss it's wet nose. How is it possible to not love dogs? Also, you treat women like crap. If you treated them better, you would find out they're lots of fun.

Then, there's these bullies at The Council Of American-Islamic Relations who want presidential candidate Ben Carson to withdraw because he gave his opinion. He said he didn't want a Muslim president. For Christ's sake, we ALREADY have a Muslim president. How's that working for us?

They demand that Dr. Carson drop out of the race? I demand that they go play a game of Hide-And-Go-Eff-Themselves!

This control freak Obama can see all this, and still he wants to bring in even MORE MUSLIM REFUGEES? I guess in his world there's not enough commies and Muslims bullying the rest of us and demanding that we do this and do that. As a normal-American, I love beer, women, dogs, and freedom of speech.

But don't hate this douche Obama for despising our freedoms. They don't like it where he from.

Red Forman, Normal-American


Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Tim Pawlenty's Pearl Of Wisdom

Some time ago, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said this:

"You can't be pro-job and anti-business. That's like being pro-egg but anti-chickem."

In Obama's America, Part 3....

....If you refuse to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple, you are thrown in jail....If you make terroristic threats against the police, you have an ally in The White House.

....If you are an illegal alien, you get free health care. If you are a vet, the federal government lets you languish and die without care.

....Hillary Clinton violates The Espionage Act, and goes on the campaign trail. You support Wisconsin's Republican governor, and his enemies can terrorize, persecute, and violate all your rights....and you're not allowed to defend yourself.

....Some lives matter more than others.

....Whistleblowers against The Obama Regime are demoted and harassed. If you lie for the regime, you're promoted.

....A record 94,000,000 Americans out of the work force equals economic recovery.

....Democrat presidential candidates actually have the nerve to campaign against the last 7 years, as if Normal-Americans don't know who it is who has wrecked our economy.

....Illegal aliens get to break laws with sanctuary cities. Actual Americans get no sanctuary from Obama's terrible executive orders.

....You water your lawn, and The EPA can harass you. The EPA spills toxic waste into The Animas River, and nothing can be done about it.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Obama Wishes America A Happy Labor Day

Happy Labor Day....

....even all you coal miners that I threw out of work. Believe me, your former job was polluting the planet and causing global warming. You're better off without your dirty job.

I also want to give a shout-out to my friends at Solyndra. They deserve kudos for doing the REALLY IMPORTANT WORK....of contributing and laundering taxpayer money into my political campaigns.

I would like to announce that I am signing yet ANOTHER executive order, mandating that ALL businesses give their employees 10 weeks of paid vacation leave. Whether you'd like to spend that time with your wife as she takes her maternity leave or if you just want to be paid to chillax, it's important that you know that your president wants to stick it to your evil, rich boss.

Now, if you want to KEEP 10 weeks of paid vacation leave, I suggest that you keep voting Democrat. Remember, those Republicans are the party of your rich, evil boss, Ebenezer Scrooge.

I am also toying with the idea of signing an executive order mandating that EVERY job in America be unionized, even if you work for yourself. I called my pal Trumka with that idea. He liked it.

I once had a job in the private sector, and I've written that I saw that experience as being 'behind enemy lines.' In the place where I was born, we didn't like free enterprise or fossil fuels.

In Obama's America, we need to get rid of jobs that I disapprove of. Many jobs involve polluting the environment. This needs to stop. What this country needs is an army of Obama activists, neighborhood snitches, and civilian security police to replace the racist cops in cities and towns all over America.

Only then, can we say that America has been 'fundamentally transformed,' Thank you.

Allahu Akbar. President Barack Hussein Obama.

Monday, August 31, 2015

The President Re-Names Mount McKinley After Himself

President Obama is taking a trip to Alaska to appear on a realty TV show and talk about Global Warming. My source in Alaska tells me he will be on TV to show Americans survival skills which we will need after eight years of his presidency.

Dear Leader has also re-named Alaska's Mount McKinley after himself. He will re-name the tallest peak in North America Denali, which is an Athabaskan word, meaning "The High One."

Black Lives Matter Takes Over The Minnesota State Fair

This week, the Soros-funded Black Lives Matter protesters took on that institution of racial hatred we call The Minnesota State Fair, and tried to shut it down. About 400 protesters marched on The Fair, and the gates were closed for a few minutes.

The evil racists had the unmitigated gall to re-open the gates, and allow people to enjoy themselves.

The protesters appeared dissatisfied with the number of food choices at the fair, chanting "Pigs in a blanket, Fry 'em like bacon." Your bushy-tailed correspondent looked for the Pigs In A Blanket Booth, but couldn't find it.

The protesters say that the state fair discriminates against Black-Americans. I was surprised to learn that you couldn't work or enjoy the fair if you were Black. That's so racist!

We need to fundamentally change how The Minnesota State Fair operates, and let Black Lives Matter run it next year. I can just see it now:

They should build ANOTHER light rail line through the midway, so that hoodlums and troublemakers can milk you of your money. The Minnesota State Fair should do away with anything relating to farming or agriculture, such as showing off your vegetables or dairy products. Black slaves worked on farms a long, long time ago. 

We should wipe away with anything relating to this shameful, traumatic time in America's past.

Currently, you can still see White performers at The Midway. Def Leppard performed on Day One. This has to stop. Anywhere you can go and see music by a White artist must be a terrible affront to our friends at Black Lives Matter.

It is simply racist to go ANYWHERE in Obama's America and not hear loud, pumping hip-hop brow-beating your eardrums. Rap should be mandatory concert fare at the fair. Anything Whitey likes must be banned, and everything WE like must be mandatory. Anything else is clearly racist.

They should also change the food. Everything must now be fried in FATBACK. Using anything else to fry food would clearly be discriminatory. There could be trouble if Michelle Obama finds out that people are enjoying fatty foods. She might ban anything that someone may be enjoying, and force everyone to eat rabbit food from her 'victory garden'. We also need a seminar to learn about the trauma of living in a 'food desert.'

Also, we need to stop White people from happily showing off their pumpkins and rutabagas. The Minnesota State Fair needs to invite The Reverend Al Sharpton, or someone shouting through a bullhorn at all the happy White people. The Black Panthers should man the booths.

Black Lives Matter had a die-in on Day One. Clearly, it should be mandatory for ALL ATTENDEES to participate in a die-in that will occur at the Minnesota State Fair EVERY year from now on. If you don't participate, you should be kept out.

Obviously, you're not down for the struggle against all the psychotic cops murdering completely innocent Black-Americans. You need to get your mind right, Whitey.

There probably should be several booths dedicated to victims of gun and police violence, where victims like the 'gentle giant' Michael Brown are honored.

There are many ways that Black Lives Matter can make The Minnesota State Fair a more inviting, diverse place for Black-Americans. We could start by scaring all the White people away.



Sunday, August 30, 2015

HEADLINE: Donald Trump Deports Jorge Ramos From Press Conference

Last week, I was listening to Rush Limbaugh talk about the Donald Trump press conference that illegal immigration advocate Jorge Ramos (who also calls himself a journalist) tried to crash.

Limbaugh commented that Ramos didn't wait in line to be called upon, and didn't really even ask a question. He was there to embarrass and harass the candidate, and also to accuse him of being a hateful xenophobe.

Mr. Trump told Ramos to shut up and wait his turn. When the Univision host refused to, Mr. Trump gave his security detail a sign, and had the troublesome pest removed. Later, the candidate did let him back in, and spent five minutes answering his questions.

Rush said something quite funny about this event, adding that Donald Trump deported Jorge Ramos from the press conference. Jorge refused to wait his turn, just like an illegal alien.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

An RSR Exclusive: A Message From Donald Trump

Real Estate mogul, TV star, and GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, and many conservative leaders and pundits continue to be mortified or amused by this. Millions of mainstream conservatives find his blunt straight-talk very appealing, as the RINO establishment continues to conspire with liberal extremists to rid the landscape of him and his strange hair.

Mainstream conservatives love to see someone stand up for the people. He doesn't back down. He doesn't shut up. He's on attack mode whenever he's attacked. To his supporters, his past doesn't matter. What matters is that he wants to make America great again. For millions of Americans who are sick of being punished by the little, pencil-necked tyrant from Kenya, his rhetoric resonates with many, many Americans.

The RedSquirrel Report is pleased that Mr. Trump sends us this message to our readers:

Dear ReadSquirrel Report Readers,

America is ran by idiots and losers, and I want to change that. This is why I am running for President of the United States. My friends, I know that you want to make America great again.

We are being robbed and beaten by the countries of the world, while our stupid leaders give our enemies the rope that will hang us. This can't go on anymore. 

Millions of criminal illegal aliens are being sent here by crooked governments, and they are bankrupting us. What America needs is someone who won't take this crap anymore. That is why I propose that Mexico build AND pay for a wall across the border. Don't ask my HOW I will force them to build and pay for the wall. Just believe in me when I say that My wall will be the classiest wall ever, and it will be so great you won't believe it. And Mexico will pay for it. 

Many conservatives are questioning my motives. They say I'm a big self-promoter, and that it's foolish to support a lifelong Democrat who keeps changing his party affiliation. My friends, I am a businessman in New York. You HAVE TO be a Democrat to deal with The Empire State. It's like a protection racket. They ask me why I contributed to Hillary. Look, I got her to attend my last wedding. If that isn't getting maximum bang for your buck, I don't know what is.

Idiots like George Will and Ben Shapiro aren't on my team. Maybe they're just not very bright. I went to the best schools, and now I am filthy rich. Are they filthy rich? Where do they get off criticizing my candidacy? Then there's that idiot who called me a 'grunting ape'. Has he ever built a casino with solid gold toilets? Probably not.

My friends, we are losing to dictators, and are getting creamed with terrible trade deals. If we don't turn this around, America will soon look like Obama's home country. I'm not even sure where he's from, but it's gotta suck. Enough's enough.

Vote for me, and America will be great again. 

The Don.

And Now, A Word From The EPA

We are The Environmental Protection Agency....

We do more than kill jobs.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

South Park Got It Wrong

The Biggest Douche In The World isn't psychic Jonathan Edward.

It's Barack Hussein Obama. God, what a revolting, insufferable individual.

Monday, August 10, 2015

10 Things I Care More About Than A Dead Lion

Last month, a dentist from Minnesota killed a lion named Cecil. Our correspondent hasn't yet learned who gave that lion the name Cecil, but he's sure that nobody in his pride gave him that name.

The dentist has been threatened repeatedly, and now, he's in hiding. There is a petition to send him to some country in Africa to face charges for the killing of Cecil.

While there is an international outpouring of grief, your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that there are more important things happening in this world than the killing of a lion. Here are 10 things your bushy-tailed correspondent care more about than this over-reported story:

10. What will happen with Abbie and Ichabod on the upcoming season of  Sleepy Hollow.

 9.  Our veterans aren't getting the care they need.

 8.  The president's horrible nuclear deal with psychotic Mullahs in Iraq.

 7.  ISIS is killing, raping, and torturing 9-year-old Yazidi girls.

 6.  Millions of Americans have had their health plans cancelled because of Obamacare.

 5.  The president is flooding the country with criminal illegal aliens, and it's harming us.

 4.  The creep in the White House continues to threaten our Second Amendment rights.

 3.  Congress continues to act as if laws don't apply to them.

 2.  There is no opposition to Our little Kenyan Tyrant, at least in Congress.

 1.  Our public education system is producing non-thinking, low-information voters.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Red Forman: What's Wrong With These Kids Today?

Lately, there has been a lot of news about young people committing heinous acts of mass-murder. On the same day James Holmes was convicted on all 165 counts from the 2012 attack on the movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, Muslim convert Muhammad Abdulazeez murdered 5 military personnel at a recruiting center in Chattanooga, Tennessee. A few weeks ago, Dylann Roof killed 9 Black Christians as they were worshipping God in a church.

What is wrong with these kids today? RSR asks our parenting expert, Red Forman:

Thanks, 'Squirrel.

Parenting can be really scary, because kids can be royal dumb-asses. I used to be really concerned for my kid Eric, but compared to some of these dipshits in the news, I'm downright proud of my son.

Racist psycho Dylann Roof murdered 9 people in a church in Charleston, South Carolina. That little douche needs to be strapped to old sparky, and while we're at it, his barber should also be arrested. A lot of dumb-asses are blaming Confederate flags, but that is just plain silly and stupid.

James Holmes opened fire in a movie theatre in Aurora, Colorado. Let me tell you something folks, if your kid looks like this:

You have a problem on your hands. Your kid is a dumb-ass. Do us a favor, and have the insipid douche bag committed.

Then, there's these homegrown jihadis and screwed-up kid weirdos. I think that parents need to check in from time-to-time on their kids. If your 24-year-old kid has grown a large, bushy beard like Mohammad Abdulazzez, ask him about it. Go through his desk. If he has written a manifesto, call the authorities before he becomes the next Unibomber.

If your kid is walking around dressed like Osama bin Laden, check the calender. If it isn't Halloween, you probably should be concerned. Teach your kid the value of human life. Then, take him out hunting or fishing. Try to have some quality time with your dumb-ass.

Also, your kid might need a good ass-kicking from time to time. At the very least, THREATEN to kick his ass. I think this does wonders.

That's all for now. As you were.

Red Forman, Dad.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Here We Are In Sanctuary City

Here we are in Sanctuary City,
where illegals live, where liberals take pity
You can't send us home
Here we are in Sanctuary City
We left because our old home's shitty
You can't send us home

Just an alien livin' down the street
free health care, hangin' off yer teet
I'm your welfare case, food stamps so I can eat
Libs say that's just fine
if I can't read a stop sign

Dear Leader he has his scheme
re-defining the American dream
Don't you dare call his agenda extreme
or we will call you a racist pig
don't you dare turn off the spig


Obama is tearing America apart
If you don't let them stay you have no heart
Don't upset the LaRaza apple cart
We must be losing our minds, our minds
America is running out of time

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Hank Hill: Has Everybody Lost Their Minds?

The RedSquirrel Report welcomes our new correspondent Mr. Hank Hill, who sends us this:

My name is Hank Hill, law-abiding, Normal-American dad. I would like to say a few things about a recent news story that happened in the country I love.

Up in Minnesota, there is a liberal charter school that sent a class on a 'field trip' to a place called 'The Smitten Kitten." This store toys. I don't think that kids really need to be educated in this manner.

I remember my wife Peggy telling me about some of the funny looks she got from the kids when she was called in to teach Sex-Ed. Teaching about our plumbing is alright, I suppose, but Sex-Ed isn't meant to be fun. It's meant to be scary and dark. Personally, I would rather give all the kids an egg, and tell the kids to take care of that egg for a week.

It would be better if the eggs screamed and cried constantly.

If the kids wanted to learn something, send them on a field trip to a dairy, or Strickland Propane. Teach them about the wonderful world of Propane and Propane accessories.

The big problem with some people is that they do not observe boundaries. An illegal alien doesn't, and that also goes for some of these priests and teachers who.....get too the kids. These people just ain't right.

Sex is....uh....good. But it is for us ADULTS...even for those with a narrow urethra.

Thank you.

Hank Hill
Arlen, TX

Obama's America, Part 2

In Obama's America....

Iran can get their hands on nukes, but American military personnel aren't allowed to arm themselves. The corrupt president can threaten to disarm law-abiding Americans, while selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

A Black criminal can attack a police officer. If he dies, the president sends a delegation to his funeral. A White woman is murdered by a violent criminal alien, and Dear Leader honors her memory by heading off to the golf course.

Illegal Aliens can move to a sanctuary city, and are rewarded for breaking the law. Normal, law-abiding Americans get no sanctuary from horrible laws like Obamacare, and are politically-harassed by Dear Leader's Secret Police, also known as The IRS.

Black thugs burn down a city, but that's o.k. The inept, corrupt mayor can always expect America's taxpayers to re-build it.

Race-baiters force towns to take down the Stars N' Bars, while same-sex marriage supporters get to raise their rainbow flags high. In fact, our Communist president lights The White House like a rainbow flag.

Muslim killers are called lone wolves. One racist oddball murders 9 Black Christians in a church? Let's blame the entire White race.

Black foreign leader Nelson Mandela dies, and our child-king orders flags lowered at half staff. 5 American soldiers are slaughtered, and we're still waiting.

The corrupt fraud in The White House wants to give convicts the right to vote. If you're a military voter serving overseas, he would rather disenfranchise you.

The control freak in The White House is putting together a race database that would almost make The Anti-Christ envious, while guarding all of his personal records. Then, he has the nerve to boast that his administration is the most transparent in history.

Welcome to Obama's America.

Monday, July 20, 2015

George Takei And The Politics Of Outrage

Have you ever noticed that all a liberal has to do to get his or her way is just act like they're becoming unhinged?

A few weeks ago, same-sex supporters won a victory in the Supreme Court. Gay actor George Takei STILL wasn't happy, because there was a dissenting view. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas dared to disagree with the majority opinion, so Star Trek's Mr. Sulu made an offensive, racially-charged remark about the Black-Conservative.

The actor called him a clown in black face, then said that Thomas made him angry.

I wonder what would happen if a Conservative called the president a clown in black face, then said, "He makes me soooo darned angry." Will the Huffington Post suddenly excuse the racially-charged remark? Hell no. They will take that remark, and demand that every conservative denounce and condemn that remark.

It's part of the leftists' Alinskyite tradition of targeting, polarizing, and freezing the enemy.

Then, there's all the recent race riots. Black-Americans are being excused for smashing and burning down stores in their own neighborhood because they are supposedly angry. It's like we're giving them an excuse to do ANYTHING they want just because they cannot control their emotions.

It starts at the top, with our petulant, six-year-old president, complaining and sniveling from his high-chair in The Oval Office. Whenever Congress refuses to submit to his every whim, our little dictator does something like barricading The World War 2 Memorial. I still think this Iran Nuclear Arms Deal is his temper tantrum against the people of Israel for re-electing Benjamin Netanyahu.

A lot of Black-Americans see the way the President behaves and acts, and think that they do not have to follow or obey the rules. They see him getting away with anything he wants, and believe that they can too.

By the way, have you ever heard of an actual leftist organization called ACT UP? A lot of Americans get what they want like the bratty kid in a grocery store when they act up.

Instead of giving these spoiled, snot-nosed leftist brats what they want, we conservatives should slap them silly, and send them to their rooms without supper.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

When Our 6-Year-Old President Talks About The Economy....

Here is how your bushy-talied correspondent reacts when he hears our 6-year-old president speak about the economy:

"Barry, Barry, Barry.....You're glib. You don't even know what you're talking about."

Monday, July 13, 2015

The American Bad-Ass Vs. Race-Shaming Fascists

In the wake of the Obamunist-Maoist cultural revolution happening to the south right now, race-shaming culture fascists are now demanding that Kid Rock denounce the Confederate flag. Here is a little song that describes his reaction to this insanity:

Race-baiting fascists, You can kiss my ass
I will not be shamed,  America will last
We will wave any flag that we please
I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees

I choose freedom, to do or say what I will
of all you fascist bastards, we've had our fill
You woke the sleeping giant, You better let him be
You're in America, The land of the free

They call me Kid Rock, You better let me be
I'm for freedom of speech, and The General Lee
And say hey, hey
I'm for freedom of speech, and say hey, hey
Leave us alone say hey. hey
Shout it out loud and say Hey, hey, hey, hey

I'll say what I want, wave the Stars N' Bars
Piss you off, paint the hood of my car
If you disagree, That's just fine
It's called Freedom Of Speech, Now don't mess with mine

I told you to leave me alone, I don't want any drama
and don't you be callin' in Sharpton or Obama
You fascist idiots make me wanna puke
Take TV shows off the air. like Bo And Luke


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

We Asked John McLaughlin

Your bushy-tailed correspondent has been a long-time fan of John McLaughlin, the host of The McLaughlin Group. For those who don't know, it's a syndicated public affairs TV program on PBS. The RSR asked this oracle of Jesuit-trained intelligence to make sense of some recent events:

Hello, RedSquirrel! By the way, Red. I would like to make a comment concerning your tie. You are wearing some.... hideous...NECK WEAR!!!

Thank you, Mr. McLaughlin.

Issue 1: Is the current president residing in the White House a petulant, inept man-child or....

....a psychotic, criminal, Marxist MASTERMIND????!!!!

Trick question!!! He is BOTH!!!

Issue 2: The Dukes of Hazzard was a television show that made it's debut on CBS in 1979. It starred John Schneider, Tom Wopat, and the very leggy Catherine Bach. They portrayed Bo, Luke and Daisy Duke,  three fun-loving cousins residing in Hazzard County. Wopat's character owned a Dodge Charger he called 'The General Lee', and the car had 'The Stars N' Bars' painted on it's roof. Now, in 2015, classic TV channel TVLand has taken the show off the air because that car 'offends' people who are offended by the image of 'Stars N' Bars'.

So, is The Dukes Of Hazzard family-friendly, wholesome, TV entertainment or.....


Answer!!!! Liberals are control freaks and psychopaths who need to distract from their absolutely atrocious record and their disastrous, life-ruining policies. They need straw men to target, and in the wake of the horrendous murder of nine Black Christians in Charleston, South Carolina, by a 21-year-old racist, mass murderer, and LOSER Dylann Roof, decided to go after the Confederate flag, also known as The Stars N' Bars!!!!

Issue 3: In the wake of the Supreme Court's 6-3 decision on same-sex marriage, President Obama lit up the White House in the colors of the rainbow flag. Was he 'just showing support for this cause'?

Answer!!!!He is a 6-year-old bully, sticking a sharp stick in the eye of Christians. He's a childish, petulant brat, a terrible loser as evidenced by his kicking and screaming in the wake of Benjamin Netanyahu's big re-election win in March. He is EVEN MORE INSUFFERABLE as a winner.