Wednesday, May 27, 2015

An RSR Exclusive: If Looks Could Kill

In an RSR Exclusive, our science correspondent covering The Hillary 2016 Campaign has uncovered startling new facts centering around the leading Democrat candidate. When meeting with everyday voters and reporters on the campaign trail, we have learned that she has been sharing a very special gift.

Following her 2013 concussion, she discovered that she has a very special gift of psychokinesis. Also known as telekinesis, it is the alleged ability allowing a person to influence a physical system without physical interaction.

We know about this strange ability from scary movies like Scanners, where one man made another man's head explode live on TV, and the 1976 thriller Carrie, featuring Sissy Spacek.

One reporter, who asked to remain anonymous, said that he once asked Hillary a tough question during a campaign stop, and:

'Suddenly, she began staring at me in a really intense way. About ten seconds later, the inside of my head felt as if it was on fire. I stopped looking at her, and I woke up on the floor.'

One of Hillary's closest campaign associates told my correspondent that she can move things with her mind.

"Oh HELL, I've seen her make doors slam shut and glasses explode! EVERYBODY is TERRIFIED OF Hillary!'

Her current challenge is to use her gift to move her poll numbers back up.

If you find yourself face to face with Hillary Clinton, you are advised to not look directly at her. Also, don't annoy her with tough questions on important issues. And whatever you do, DO NOT ask her about the scandal-ridden Clinton Foundation or her emails.

Also, don't ask her about Benghazi OR losing six-billion dollars while at The State Department.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Our Six-Year-Old President Wishes Everybody A Happy Memorial Day

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and my conservative brethren on Twitter spent much of the day lambasting our six-year-old president and the Democrats for their Happy Memorial Day tweet. While heartbroken, young military widows weep at their dead husband's grave site, many Americans see Memorial Day as the beginning of Summer.

For others, it's a time to break out the BBQ grill and maybe head off to the store to find a sale.

Then, there's The Democrats. The party of the perpetual grievance, race riots, redistribution, and non-stop mean-spiritedness, wishing us a Happy Memorial Day on Twitter.   

And there he was, the narcissistic child-king sucking down an ice cream cone. Friends, this may be the least offensive thing our little Kenyan despot has done in recent memory. Between his fundamental transformation of America and destroying our health care system, there are other things we could be concentrating on.

Don't blame our little Kenyan despot for not knowing what Memorial Day is about. He might not be from around here. At least he wasn't wearing a little party hat, and eating cake with his ice cream. The weirdo didn't invite the Bergdahl family over to the White House, and BBQ some dog meat.

On Memorial Day, he went through the motions, laying a wreath and making a speech where he attempted to honor our Fallen Heroes. Of course, he couldn't help himself, bragging about this being the first Memorial Day in 14 years without a serious ground war. That's because he deserted our friends, and they are being beheaded, raped, murdered, and enslaved. Congratulations, Barry.

I'm glad that Our Little Dictator didn't set up some barrycades around Arlington National Cemetery like he did to The World War 2 Memorial.

As with everything, he made Memorial Day about himself. Disgraceful.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Democrats Are Psychotic Bullies

Last week, an Amtrak train derailed in Philadelphia, and before anyone had a chance to collect the bodies, Democrats were already blaming the Republicans for cutting infrastructure funding, even though the conductor was going twice the speed limit.

Once again, the jack-ass party was instantaeously sticking their dirty faces in front of news cameras, and bearing false witness against Republicans. Dems ruin everything, yet they act like little brats, pointing their finger at the dog, yelling "HE DID IT!"

Democrats are bullies, and most people would rather curl up in the fetal position than confront these maniacs and liars. If you're a Republican, White, Christian, or straight....You're guilty, and you need to pay for your privilege.

To the msm, the bullies are the good guys. If you really believe in liberty, you have a great, big target painted on your back. You can't refuse to bake a cake for a same-sex wedding, or the gaystapo bullies will try to drive you out of business.

Democrats resemble that horrible, obnoxious kid who sits behind you in class, always smacking you in the head. If you retaliate, he cries to the teacher. They are ALWAYS on the warpath, with their army of sleazy lawyers. They are NEVER, EVER satisfied.

To these bullies, anything they may disagree with must be banned, and everything they like must be manditory. They cannot just live and let live. They wage class warfare, and are never satisfied. When they get a taste for personal power, they go absolutely insane in that quest. Because of them, we are all guilty of something.

Democrats are incredibly contemptible creatures, never satisfied, hateful, sniveling, bratty, spoiled, and incessantly dishonest. They ruin every major city in America, yet blame the Republicans for poverty and crime. If a cop kills a thug, the race-baiters bring in more race-baiters, and cause a race riot. The rioters bust windows and steal stuff, while Democrat sugar daddy George Soros will pay them to destroy cities.

The ends justifies the means to these Alinskyite bullies, incapable of solving real problems. so they just do their best to humiliate their opponents.

Progressive bullies hate those who stand up to them. That's why progressives and commies hate the National Rifle Association. The NRA is like that big kid in the 1980's movie My Bodyguard, protecting our Second Amendment rights. Scowling bully Michelle Obama tells us that she will confiscate all firearms before she leaves the White House.

The brave kids stand up and say, 'Molon Labe, Bitch.'

We like presidential candidate Ted Cruz, because he's like the cool kid who mops the floor with the bullies, but he does it with his mind. Normal Americans love the way the calm, collected Senator from Texas humiliates the bully.

Republican toadies like John Boehner and Mitch McConnell act like the kids who are afraid of the bullies, so they join the bullies. We gave them a majority in November, but it appears they have joined Barry the Bully as he dismantles America.

Barry the Bully has his enforcers. The IRS and The EPA abuses Americans, as their army of smirking bureaucrats act as if nothing can stop them.

Barry is the bully of the playground. Now's the time for freedom-loving Americans to stand up for ourselves, punch the bully in the nose, and take back our lunch money.

SONG PARODY ALERT: MN GOV Mark Dayton Sings "My Way"

And now, the time is near
Alita wants a special session
She wants me to badmouth the Republicans
until I get some more concessions

I want more funding for pre-k
not as much for the highways
And so, I'll flap my gums
until they do it My Way

Well, I won, but lost the state house
But we'll keep on taxing and spending
My friends in the public unions
demand that you keep a' bending

I will say the Republicans hate kids
and not in the most nice or sly way
And so, I'll mumble some more
til they do it My Way

Oh, I am The Man, not that Kurt Daudt
I'll veto their budget, Sign it? I will NOT!
I don't care it had bipartisan support
If you pay taxes, You'll take it in the shorts

I'll trash your name, and you will be blamed
for not doing it My Way

Well I won, last November,
But The DFL had it's share of losing
They say, When Crazy Eyes speaks,
sometimes it gets quite confusing

I will lie and say I've compromised
and say it not in a shy way
You Republicans must bow down to me
and do things My Way

Oh, I am The Gov, Our state is deep blue
We'll have a Senate Office Building, Shiny and new
and light rail trains running everywhere
You don't wanna pay, Well I don't really care!

My record shows, I make the tax dollars flow
You better let me have My Way!

My record shows, I WILL VETO
You better do this MY WAY!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Government Might Close The Ft. Snelling Officer's Club

On Friday 8, they told Joe the Cartoonist not to come in to work. The national threat security level on all military bases was raised to Threat Level BRAVO, and as a civilian Air Force employee, his employer decided that The Fort Snelling Officer's Club should be closed until further notice.

Meanwhile, our derelict president is flooding the country with Muslim refugees and illegal aliens. He is destroying our national security. Thanks, Barry.

The Federal Government is also in the process of deciding whether the revered Officer's Club, which opened in 1934, will close sometime this year. They say the club is a security risk, and the government would rather spend billions on stuff that's probably worthless (or even harmful to the country) than spend some money on making the club more secure.

The club doesn't help greedy corruptocrats Dianne Feinstein and Filthy Harry Reid get rich screwing the taxpayers, so the powers that be are talking about closing the club. But there again, compared to what they've done to our V.A.'s, I guess the employees and members shouldn't complain.

Actually, the club was doing just fine. It's the government that's risking our security. When it comes to the War On Terror, nobody knows which side the Commander-in-Chief is on. He's busy persecuting Christians and purging our Christian Generals, as he gives our weapons to the Muslim Brotherhood. He shows his hatred for our military every chance he gets.

"Preserving the club would be an important way of honoring our military", says Cindy Pugh, a Minnesota State Representative. Does anybody believe that the current gang in the White House cares about our vets? Remember, Prezzy Stompy Foot ordered The World War 2 Memorial closed to our vets in October 2013 because he WANTED to make normal Americans suffer through sequestration.

Oh, this just in: The child-king is also ordering our military to admit illegal aliens. See America? Us Romney voters warned you.

Joe was back at work just two days after 9-11. They are keeping The Fort Snelling Officer's Club closed for now, and it is looking like they will keep it closed.

The employees at The Fort Snelling Officer's Club don't make it on the evening news very often. They don't waste their time looking at porn on the company computers, or use the club to bribe wealthy foreigners.

The employees don't harass, abuse or intimidate Tea Party Patriots, and the club doesn't misplace billions of dollars, so Hillary wouldn't want to work there.

Maybe if it was converted into a mosque or a place where illegal aliens can access welfare benefits, the feds might keep it open. But this terrific old Air Force hangout and event center just serves terrific food. The staff is friendly, and the management knows how to treat their guests.

The Fort Snelling Officer's Club is one of the few things in the government that actually functions well, so maybe the bureaucrats will probably close it down. Welcome to Obama's America.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

This Is What Obama's Second Term Looks Like

Well, this is what some of us thought America would look like in a second Obama term:

Open Letter To Islamic Militants And Anti-Freedom Ninnies

Dear Islamic militants and anti-freedom ninnies,

A week ago, two Islamic extremists tried to commit mass murder against attendees at a Mohammad Cartoon contest in Garland, Texas. The contest was the brainchild of First Amendment Activist Pamela Geller.

The hapless terrorist wannabes found out what happens when you try to shoot well-armed Texans, as they were both shot and killed by a security guard. Another guard was shot in the leg by the Islamists, but made a quick recovery.

Now, many in the msm are actually condemning Geller for provoking Muslims, even some spokesheads on Fox News.

We here at the RSR support The First Amendment. We think that in America, you have a right to draw a cartoon or write an op-ed that offends somebody else. Nobody has the right to murder you. Perhaps, we need to better educate some Muslims (as well as many native-born American idiots like Chris Cuomo) who don't quite grasp that concept.

In America, everybody gets to rip on each other. We don't lop somebodies head off or burn them at the stake if they offend our delicate sensibilities. Rush Limbaugh and MSNBC are free to say what's on their mind without somebody putting an orange jumpsuit on them and marching them to an awaiting firing squad.

If you don't grasp that, you'll never fit in.

Many Christians are offended when The NEA uses tax dollars for blatantly blasphemous artwork, but we don't kill the so-called artist over it. The remedy for bad speech isn't death or censorship. It's more speech.

It's really peculiar that many of you Muslims are this offended by a cartoon, but have no problem burning people alive, committing mass murder, raping children, enslaving your neighbors, as well as stoning your daughters if they are raped.

Where I come from, that is offensive.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Our Correspondent Eric: Michelle Obama Is A Big, Fat Bitch

Our 8-year-old correspondent Eric returns with this report:

Good Lord, Does Michelle Obama EVER stop bitching? In the last couple weeks, she bad-mouthed America at a museum, stating that museums aren't welcoming to people that look like her.

I don't know if she was referring to the color of her skin, or the fact that she has a perpetual scowl on her face. Mother Robinson should have told young Michelle not to do that with her face or it will stay that way.

At a commencement speech, she moaned about The Black Struggle, which sounded a lot like the struggle almost everybody goes through. The next time somebody bitches about White privilege, I'm going to introduce them to my friend Kenny.

Last week, she bragged that before she leaves The White House, she will confiscate every firearm in America. Normal Americans heard this and responded:

Just try, Bitch.

Moochelle also yapped about her trip to Target, where some unsuspecting shopper asked 0bama to reach for a weed-whacker or something that was on a shelf. Of course, the insane First Lady was deeply insulted.

Michelle 0bama is constantly complaining, sniveling, or trying to take control of some aspect of our lives. Her children go to the best school in DC, and enjoy a gourmet lunch, but us regular kids get disgusting mystery foodstuff. Thanks, Moochelle.

She also bitched about the emotional toll she suffers from being the first Black First Lady. Between the glitzy dinners with Beyonce and Jay-Z, and the taxpayer-funded vacays, I wonder how much punishment that poor lamb can take. Emotional toll, my ass....

Here, let me explain the situation:

Moochelle's a Bitch, A complaining Bitch
All she does is Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!!!
Bitches about Whitey and museums
All she does is Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

Moochelle's a Bitch, A big, fat Bitch
Bitches at the retail store
All she does is Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
And we can't take this ANYMORE!

Took our school lunch, and gives us crap
Damn that fat-assed, stupid Bitch!!!
That stupid Bitch should shut her yap!!!
She's a Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch!!!!....

Moochelle's a Bitch, a Commie Bitch
The Bitch goes on an vacay
I can't wait for The Bitch to leave
Soon the Bitch will go away!!!

All she does is Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
Bitch! Bitch! Bitch ! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!!!!

Oh yeah, I really mean it!
Moochelle is a big, fat, race-baiting Bitch!

Oh yeah!

Thank you.


Monday, May 4, 2015

Celebrate Mother's Day With A Phone Call From Hillary

It appears that Hillary Clinton's campaign is making an exciting offer this week. Contribute to her presidential campaign, and she just might call your Mom this Mother's Day.

Who would do this to their own Mother? What would your Mother and Hillary have to talk about?

"Hello, This is Hillary Clinton. I'm flat broke. Can you send me some money for my campaign?"

Yakov Smirnoff's Baltimore Report

RSR welcomes Yakov Smirnoff back, who sends us this report from Baltimore:

Greetings from Socialist Democrat utopia Baltimore, site of one heck of a riot this week. What a RIOT!

Actually, many Americans who voted for Mitt Romney thought that this is what America would look like in Comrade Obama's second term.
Recently, a drug dealer named Freddy Grey died in police custody. Nobody knows exactly what happened, but a lot of people thought it would be a good idea to riot.

I grew up in Soviet Russia, where The KGB got away with murder, and the old commies covered it up. In Baltimore, the commies can't even wait for a fair trial to condemn the police. It looks like the local Commissars want a show trial.

I saw some young men burning stores down and stealing toilet paper. In Communist Russia, you waited in line for tp. In Socialist Baltimore, you burn down store and STEAL tp. What a CITY!

In Socialist utopia Baltimore, the Mayor is a Black Democrat, the City Council are Black Democrats, most of the Commissars are Black Democrats, the poverty pimps are lets riot against White Republican Cossacks even though there's none in power in this Socialist paradise.

I am so glad that The good Reverend Al Sharpton arrived just in time to bring some racial harmony. I feel better already! Heh, heh, heh......

Well, that's all for now. This is Yakov Smirnoff reporting from Socialist paradise Baltimore. Back to you, Red Rodent.