Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Friend, We Haven't Forgotten You!

Dear Friend-

It's been 37 seconds since the last time we sent you our last contribution request. We just wanted to let you know that the presidential election WILL go as planned. The Governor of North Carolina, Beverly Perdue did suggest that we shouldn't hold elections in 2012, but she was referring to CONGRESSIONAL elections.

I just wanted to remind you, that our glorious Messiah is not planning to declare martial law any time soon, and that the presidential election is right on schedule!

I apologize for not keeping in touch.

So, would you be interested in sending a generous contribution? The Messiah thanks you.

Jen O'Malley Dillion
Deputy Campaign Director
Obama For America.

Dear Friend, It's Us Again

Dear Friend-

It's your friends at America For Obama again. We have gone a whole two hours since the last time we asked you for a generous contribution. We're a grassroots organization (Thank you, Mr. Soros. My! That's a generous gift!) made up of literally millions of small donors (Did the Solyndra check clear?).

I would like to remind you that our big Voter Intimidation Drive is coming up in November. Some of our friends from The Black Panther Party will be visiting your neighborhood soon. Together, we are building a winning team!

We here at America For Obama are hard at work. Soon, everyone will be on board! (forcedunionizationharrassingrighttoworkstatesBoehingGibsonGuitars,ect.)

Again, thanks for your generous support!

Ann Marie Habershaw
Chief Operations Officer
America For Obama

Disclaimer: The RedSquirrel Report is mostly a news parody blog. This post is a fictitious letter, making fun of the emails that I've been receiving for the last two weeks from representatives from Obama For America. Or is is America For Obama?  I really don't care. The important thing is that these jack-asses are giving me lots of material. Thank you.

J. RedSquirrel.

The Religion Question Of The Week

Why do Catholics believe that a plastic or porcelin Jesus or Mary that cries blood is some sort of miracle?

Would it make more sense to say that it was Satan's work?  I didn't know that making inanimate objects cry blood was part of our savior's ministry.

Dear Friend

Your bushy-tailed correspondent recieved some more e-mails from America For Obama today. These clowns are asking for $3 now.

As a new 'volunteer', I've composed a letter that I will be circulating this week.

Dear Friend-
This month, our glorious Messiah is combining his two favorite things in the world.

Fundraising and golf.

And for a small contribution of $200, you win a chance to play a round of golf with The Messiah himself. We at America For Obama will enter you in our lottery, and if your number comes up, you will win a round of golf with our glorious leader.

All hail Barack Hussein Obama mmm mmm mmm.

Jen O'Malley Dillon
Deputy Campaign Director
America For Obama

Disclaimer: The RedSquirrel Report is a mostly a news parody blog. The aforementioned 'letter' is just a parody. We are not really sending it to anyone, really. If you actually recieve this letter, it's not from us. Call the police or the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and co-operate with them fully.

The Million Toddler Crawl

Recently, there has been a push to unionize the daycare industry across the state of Minnesota. Governor 'Crazy Eyes' Mark Dayton has stated that he would not issue an executive order recognizing the unionization of 11,000 daycare workers, many of whom are against the move.

However, the Governor appears to be in support of unionization, and his allies in the American Federation Of State, County, and Municipal Employees and  The Service Employees International Union are making a major push.

We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession a letter written by the head of AFSCME Minnesota. This letter was sent to all of it's members. It reads in part:

"We at AFSCME and SEIU have to ratchet up the pressure on legislative leaders Amy Koch and Kurt Zellers, as well as the daycare providers not on board, so our leadership has decided to organize a rally on the steps of the state capitol. We urge all our members to bring their small children, and stand (or crawl) with us on the capitol steps. Just like 'The Million Man March', our 'Million Toddler Crawl', will bring needed attention to this vital issue.
We are printing up the signs, with slogans like 'Teabaggers, why do you hate children?' and 'Daycare Unionization Is A Human Right!!!!'.

We want to schedule the crawl-in sometime in late October. We'll see you there.

Herman Rattner, AFSCME."

The Creep Next Door

Dear Jonathon Demme,

First of all, I thought that Silence Of The Lambs was a terrific film, but I have a pitch for you. My psychological thriller starts with our protagonist, a former female governor, returning to the small town in Alaska, after resigning her office. Her political enemies forced her out, filing frivolous lawsuit after frivolous lawsuit, until her family was almost ruined financially.

She thought that her tormentors would leave her alone.

Then one day, someone moves next door. An eerie, creepy man. The eerie, creepy man is actually a well-known author. He calls a press conference, where he discloses that the subject of his next unauthorized biography will be his new.....neighbor. (stinger: da da DA!!!!!!!). He slithers around town for weeks, trying to find dirt on our protagonist and her family. They repeatedly catch him rummaging through their garbage cans.

One night, our protagonist's daughter wakes up, and finds the eerie, creepy man in a tree, watching her.

That's just the start. Just give me a ring, and I'll be happy to tell you the rest of  my idea.

Let's do lunch.
J. Redsquirrel

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Suckers For Obama

Two weeks ago, your bushy-tailed reporter 'turned himself in' to AttackWatch. I gave them my blog name and Joe The Cartoonist's e-mail address. Now we are receiving e-mails from The Messiah's campaign almost every day. Apparently, they want my help. In fact, today I checked the inbox, and found one from our little dictator himself, AND one from Moochelle.

I've had enough of this, so I've decided to become an America For Obama 'volunteer', and am launching a brand new fundraising initiative this week.

I was toying with the idea of organizing a bake sale, but just how much campaign cash could I raise just by selling baked good? So, I've decided that I will sell suckers instead. Watch out, Dan's Bake Sale, here comes Suckers For Obama.

I will be setting up booths all over the country, similar to lemonade stands, and sell suckers for The Messiah's campaign. For only $100, you will receive a sucker, and a heartfelt 'thank you' from a representative from the Obama campaign.. So come on, all you Suckers For Obama, buy one NOW!

Disclaimer: The RedSquirrel parodies the news. While it is true that we are receiving e-mails from America For Obama, this post entitled. 'Suckers For Obama' is only a joke. We are not a PAC.  If you see a Suckers For Obama booth, contact the police immediately

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I Might Vote For A Dem After All

This week, Worldnet Daily's Joseph Farah came up with a very intriguing idea. He suggested that Sarah Palin should run against our child a Democrat.  She could switch parties, and challenge him in a primary run in 2012.

Palin is a proven reformer who has attacked the corruption in the Republican establishment, and Obama is the most corrupt, devious president in this country's history. Many rank and file Democrats are experiencing buyer's remorse for their vote in 2008, and everyone knows that the regime of Captain KLSTRFCK has been one of crony corruption (Solyndra, LightSquared) and outright criminality (Operation Fast And Furious).

This idea appeals to me, your bushy-tailed correspondent. A successful Palin insurgency would drive the mainstream news media batty. Their heads would explode like the Martians in that hilarious movie ,'Mars Attacks!'. A Palin acceptance speech at the DNC Convention would sound like Slim Whitman yodelling to everyone at MSNBC.

Run, Sarah, Run! 

Letter To The Editor

Dear J. RedSquirrel

The other day I got on facebook, and I noticed the changes. I HATE the changes, and so do my friends. What can we do about this?

Sheila in Minneapolis

Dear Sheila,

Stop your bitchin'. Facebook is free.

Yours truly,
J. RedSquirrel

Thursday, September 22, 2011

So Let Me Get This Straight

We let Iranian president Mahmoud A'mafriggennutjob into the country, and he gets to badmouth us at the U.N., at the same time we are paying him ransom money.....I mean....bail money for our kidnapped hikers, who were held captive for two years.

This wouldn't happen on '24'. Jack and Tony would nab Mahmoud,  torture him, then arrange a prisoner swap. Jack would put something on Mahmoud's ankle. The thingy on Mahmoud's ankle would detonate when he gets off the plane in Tehran.

tickticktickticktickticktickticktick....end of episode.

To My Readers In Russia,

Yesterday, your bushy-tailed reporter checked the stats page, and discovered that I had 8 page views from Russia. I thought to myself, 'That's pretty cool', but then a rush of paranoia and panic swept over me.

I asked myself, 'Why would I suddenly have a spike of readers from Russia?' Could it be that my recent post, 'Snitching On The MOB', could be misconstrued by members of the Russian mob as a real story with actual characters? I think that I need to do a little housecleaning, and clear some things up.

For starters, I DID 'turn myself in' to AttackWatch, the ridiculous Obama website. I gave them my e-mail address and the name of my blog, as a joke. The events described in my post, 'Snitching On The Mob' was highly fictitious. I never shared any information with AttackWatch concerning any other bloggers associated with The MOB (The Minnesota Organization Of Bloggers).

I wrote 'Snitching On The Mob'  to mock The Obama regime. I need to also mention the tone of this post. I was impersonating the assorted nuts who frequent websites such as Democrat Underground and The Daily Kos. When I spoke of  'Those MOB bosses Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey', I should state that neither one of those gentlemen, to my knowledge, are actual mob bosses, and it is my belief that neither are or have ever been involved with sex trafficking, dealing of arms, or the trafficking of drugs. So, if any Russian crime bosses have read 'Snitching On The MOB'  believing that Mr. Berg or Mr. Morrissey might be harming your business, let me assure you that they are mostly harmless, unless you are a commie lib.

I admit that I referred to 'that reprehensible rapscallion Mitch Berg'. Again, I was merely impersonating the assorted crapweasels mentioned in the websites mentioned above. I like the alliteration of 'reprehensible rapscallion'. I also think that the word 'reprehensible' is quite funny, because Barney Frank made the word funny.

I think that's all for now. Thanks to my readers in Russia. Over and out.

J. Redsquirrel

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Thank God The Baseball Season Is Almost Over

Last night the Minnesota Twins had the bases full in the bottom of the ninth, with nobody out, but still couldn't manage to even tie it up, and lost their 10th straight.

To sum up the Minnesota Twins' 2011 season, I turn to the great baseball analyst Homer J. Simpson, who once said:

"They are the suckiest bunch of suckers who ever sucked".

Hire Me Or Else

Your bushy-tailed reporter was listening to Hannity last week, and discovered that there's a feature in the new Obama's jobs bill that encourages the unemployed to sue potential employers.

You go in for your interview, and if they don't hire you-SUE 'EM!  They have discriminated against you because they saw that you are unemployed, and must have held that fact against you.

Just put yourself inside the brain of our glorious Messiah, and this makes sense. Send an army of unemployed Americans out there to harass and terrorize the private sector. THAT will be their job.

Cloward and Piven must be proud.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Why I Endorse Ron Paul For President by Barry Manilow

Dear RedSquirrel Report Readers,

My name is Barry Manilow, 70's pop icon. I remember all my life, raining down as cold as ice. A shadow of a man, a face through the window, crying in the night.....and yet those damned Republican front-runners still wouldn't let him into that 2008 debate. Well, America, it's 2012, and I've Made It Through The Reign (Rain) of Barack Hussein Obama.

Even Now I wake up crying when I think about the housing market, the unemployment rate, and the wars in the middle east. My friends Lola, Tony, and Rico can see Daybreak across this great country, because Ron Paul will right this Ship(s), and soon, we will all say, Looks Like We Made It through this very difficult time for our nation. Obama's Very Strange Medley of policies have wrecked our economy, and damaged us internationally.

Could It Be Magic that saves America? No. It takes Ron Paul's adherence to constitutional ideals that I agree with. That's why he has my support. Thank you.
Barry Manilow. 70's pop icon.

I'm Back From The Dead

Wow, those jack-asses at AttackWatch bought it!

Your bushy-tailed double-agent actually got on to the AttackWatch website, and 'turned myself in'. 

Then turned myself in again (sort 'of) on Bill's comment section.

It is there that I found out about a guy named 'Chris'. He and I have both have received e-mails from Jim Messina, Campaign Manager, Obama For America. The doofus has the mistaken impression that I might be interested in 'recruiting other volunteers, registering voters, talking to friends and neighbors, canvassing, ect. for the Obama re-election effort.'

This mischievous RedSquirrel is dreaming up ways of sabotaging The Messiah's re-election! C'mon people.

I say that we infiltrate their campaign in about the same manner that they infiltrate our tea party rallies.

OH NO!!!!! They Found Me Out!!!!

Dear Atttttaaaacckkkkk Waaattccchhhh,

That damnable right-wing scoundrel Mitch Berg has mentioned my last post ('Snitching On The MOB') on Shot In The, and so, the entire vast right-wing horde will soon be on my trail. The gig is up....

And now, I open the ring, where inside it's secret compartment, sets a lone cyanide capsule. My only regret is that I could not rat out that sinister blogger Gary Gross. Just the name of his blog, Let Freedom Ring, reeks of dead, white, slave-holding America! Lady Logician? Sounds racist to me!

The right-wingers are on my doorstep! I cannot let them take me alive!

Good-bye. Adieu.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Snitching On The MOB

Dear AttackWatch,

It's your informant, 'Joe', again. I feel that it's my duty to blow the whistle on the gang of right-wing miscreants and troublemakers known as The MOB (The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers). I have been working undercover inside that organization, and think that I have their trust.

Two of the MOB bosses, Ed Morrissey and that reprehensible rapscallion, Mitch Berg host The NARN (Northern Alliance Radio Network) on 1280 AM The Patriot. They slander and smear The Messiah regularly, using the public airwaves. I have been monitoring their program for about seven years. Morrissey regularly writes hit pieces for that....that queen of right-wing slime, Michelle Malkin.

Then there's The Anti-Strib. Don't even get me started.

I'll write again later with more information. I don't feel safe.

Over and out,

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dear AttackWatch


I do not want to give my real name, so just call me 'Joe'. I am writing to you because I want to turn myself in.

I confess to the Obama regime that I've worked with and associated with a right-wing blogger named J. RedSquirrel of The RedSquirrel Report.blogspot, who has made one crazy smear after another against The Messiah.

I am not writing this letter to 'fish for pageviews', and in no way should this confession be seen as a shameless promotion of The RedSquirrel Report. It is my hope that everyone at AttackWatch can view The RedSquirrel Report, so that they can see the crazy, slanderous claims for themselves.

All hail The Messiah.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Minnesota Vikings Wrap-up Week 1

On Sunday, The Vikings decided to take the second half off, and lost to the San Diego Chargers, 17-24.

Vikings QB Donavan McNabb has a 1-year contract for $7.25 million. That's about $453,000 per game. 

On Sunday, he passed for a whopping 39 yards.

That's $12,000 for each yard gained through the air.

Congratulations To Paul Krugman....

On Sunday, the ten-year anniversary of the 9-11 attacks, the New York Times columnist solidified his claim as 'The Biggest Douche Bag In Journalism', with his bizarre, scathing column. He opined that 'the right' brought shame on America following the attacks, with fake heroes cashing in on the tragedy.

C'mon Thomas Friedman, now it's your turn to show us what a wacko douche bag you are. Don't let that degenerate Krugman leave you in the dust!

Enough Already

Sunday was the ten-year anniversary of 9-11, and I've had enough of this event being called 'a tragedy'. A tragedy is when a child dies from cancer. This wasn't a tragedy- It was an evil act of war.

I've watched enough of this commemoration, with teary-eyed families and a parade of speakers, remembering with sadness the days following the day 'the world stopped turning'. Enough of this.

Cry if you must, but what I really want is to see is anger. Remember, our enemies watch us on t.v.

I am sometimes filled with overwhelming anger, and have had it with the politically-correct version of what we should think or feel about this. Meanwhile, our enemies call us 'infidels'.

I just want to call them 'dead'.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Pass This Bill

On Thursday evening, our child dictator kept up his assault on the American economy with his big jobs speech. He riddled his Keynesian laundry list with the repeated phrase 'PASS THE BILL!', even though no such bill exists. We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession a machine that translates Barack Obama speeches into what he actually means. So, with the help of The Obamatruthtranslator 3000, here is some of Thursday night's speech:

I want to raise taxes on the people who actually pay taxes, so that my cronies will have even more billions to play with....PASS THIS BILL!
I believe that sending checks to people without jobs will create jobs.... PASS THIS BILL!
I want Congress to assist me in my complete GUTTING of America. I want $400,000,000,000 so that I can create another money hole like Solyndra, creating things that NOBODY will buy. I want everyone to work in a union shop, sending union dues to MY RE-ELECTION FUND....PASS THIS BILL!
I want to offer a tax cut to small businesses who hire AS LONG AS IT'S GOVERNMENT -APPROVED....PASS THIS BILL!
If these ridiculous proposals work, I will take all of the credit. If Porkzilla 2 fails, I, along with the entire mainstream news media, will blame you!....PASS THIS BILL, SUCKERS!

A RedSquirrel Report Expose'

We here at The RedSquirrel Report strive for journalistic excellence, and when something 'isn't quite right', we will be there to deliver the unvarnished truth.

A couple weeks ago, our resident artist Joe was watching Craig Ferguson's talk show, when he noticed that Ferguson's hilarious skeleton robot side-kick Geoff Peterson had eyeballs. That was when Joe came to a realization that the goofy robot bore an incredible resemblance to Minnesota Governor, Mark Dayton.

Did Minnesota taxpayer money go to the public sector unions, so that they could build their own union-bought governor, or can it be that our Governor Crazy Eyes is actually moonlighting as Craig Ferguson's co-host?

One thing is certain. No one has ever seen Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton and Craig Ferguson sidekick Geoff Peterson in the same room, at the same time.

We at The RedSquirrel Report will stay on top of this developing story.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Damn, I Just Love That Congresswoman

Our child dictator has invited unionista boss Richard Trumka to tonight's big jobs speech as his special guest.

Representative Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)  has invited embattled Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz as her special guest for tonight's big speech.

Someone should have also invited a representative from Boeing.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Letter To The Editor

Mr. J. Redsquirrel,

My name is Mohammad Atta. Ten years ago this week, my associates and I hijacked four planes, and brought down the World Trade Centers.  We also successfully attacked The Pentagon. I thought that I would write you, and tell everyone what I've been doing the last ten years.

The instant I flew the plane into the tower, an angel grabbed me by the collar, and dragged me before a white throne. I remember bowing before a great, glowing being. I yelled "Allah Akbar!", but this being wasn't pleased. He said something that will echo in my head for eternity.

"Do not call me 'Allah', jack-ass".

I looked behind me, and saw a gallery. It was filled to the rafters with my victims. Then I looked behind me, and saw that my attorney was William Kunsler. I knew that I was screwed.

I wondered where my 72 virgins were. Instead, the judge told me that me and my associates will be taken to 'a very special place'. An angel took us, and threw us into a very large deep fryer.

In conclusion, I have one request:
Get Me Out Of Here!

Mohammad Atta, 12th Circle, Hell.

Happy Labor Day

Yesterday, our little dictator took a Labor Day trip to Detroit, and spoke to a crowd of Democrat unionista tools. His warm-up act, AFL-CIO honcho James Hoffa served up some red meat for the rabid throng. He urged them to 'get those tea party sons of a bitches'.

Labor Day seems to be the only holiday where violence, or calls for violence, is the norm. That is, if you don't count 'Black Friday'. After all, people actually get trampled, and you can find people fighting over the merchandise.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Happy Labor Day From Richard Trumka....

....but only if you're a member of a union, and have at least one time threatened a Tea-Baggin' Republican with bodily harm. Happy Labor Day.
....If you've busted a head, vandalized Wisconsin's State Capitol Building, or tried to make a worker vote out loud. Happy Labor Day.
....If you yell "I Breeeeeathe Uuuuunion!" at the library, or talk like the guys in that Ditka fans sketch on SNL,
Happy Labor Day.
....if the image of that glorious hammer and sickle puts a little tear in your eye, Happy Labor Day.
....if a sea of purple-shirted goons marching down the street, busting windows, warms your heart, Happy Labor Day.
....If you eat spam to honor the union violence at Hormel, I do too.

I do too. Union brothers and sisters. I do too....

Richard Trumka, unionista

Does Anyone Want To Get Really Sh..Faced?

So, as you and your friends impatiently wait for the big NFL Regular Season opener between The Pack and The Saints, what can you do before the 8:00 kick-off? Just keep the hotwings warm, and watch the big jobs speech on the 'tube, and engage in The Barack Hussein Obama Drinking Game.

Here's how the game goes:

Cover your coffee table with about 300 shotglasses of the hardest liquor you have, and everybody must take a shot each time the Bamster mentions :
1) greedy, eeeevil CEO's (He also refers to them as 'some folks')
2) 'the previous administration'
3) 'a balanced approach, more taxes
4) government investments, government programs, and spending on infrastructure

It's just a start. Just make sure that someone is able to dial 9-1-1 just in case of an emergency.

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

So our little dictator is giving his big jobs speech before a joint session of Congress next Thursday. Well, it so happens that your intrepid correspondent already has a copy of the Messiah's speech. Let me preview some of his 10-point plan to get America 'back to work'.

1) All CEO's who hasn't given at least $10,000,000 to Obama for his re-election bid will be sent to a re-education camp.

2) The carnage that was created by the scandalous 'Operation Fast And Furious' really hasn't translated into very many shovel-ready jobs on along the U.S.-Mexican border, so The Messiah will introduce his new program, Nukes For Druglords. This will create at least a million shovel-ready jobs.

3) Our Messiah will announce the federal government's take-over of the Gibson Guitar Corporation.

I will have more later.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The RedSquirrel Report: Doctors Find A Bug Up Al Gore's A$$

The RedSquirrel Report: Doctors Find A Bug Up Al Gore's A$$: After self-appointed global warming expert Al Gore finished his interview with Alex Bogusky of the Climate Reality Project, the former V.P. ...

This Is Getting Sad

Yesterday, the 6-year old President tried to schedule his big jobs speech before a joint session of Congress at the exact time the Republican presidential candidates were to start their televised debate at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley. Dang, that Obama is quite the little trickster.

Speaker John Boehner declined Obama's offer to interrupt the debate next Wednesday night at 8:00. Wow, that meanie Boehner has quite the nerve!

Then our 6-year old President decided to move his speech to next Thursday, the opening night for the National Football League's regular season. The Superbowl Champions Green Bay Packers face off against the champions from two seasons ago, The New Orleans Saints. It was suggested that the NFL move the game to a later day.

Maybe there's a wedding or funeral that our little dictator can crash, and give his ridiculous speech.

If you're a malignant narcissist like Barry, you will probably never come to any realization that the country has already had enough of you, and are tuning you out.

Loon(s) Of The Week

Our resident liberal loon, Longfellow Loon, is here to bestow his weekly award to an insane liberal (whoops....liberals) in the news. So, take it away, Loony.

Thanks, Red. This week's LOOOOOOON Of The Week Award goes to the ensemble cast of the Congressional Black Caucus. It has been quite a month for this cast of LOOOOONS! Indiana Democrat Andre Carson suggested that those eeeeevil teabaggers are out to hang blacks. LOOOOLOOOLOOO! Then there is Florida Democrat Frederica Wilson, who told us that the tea party is the REAL ENEMY! Then there's my sweetheart, California Democrat Maxine Waters, who suggests that the tea party can go STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! Whoa! You Go Girl! LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOO!!!

As a Minneapolis Dhimmicrat, I'm proud as a pink peacock of my own representative, past winner of the Loon Of The Week award, Keith Ellison, although we haven't heard from him in awhile.

I'm sure glaad that these saintly representatives aren't wasting our time with the nation's little problems, such as the unemployment rate, the national debt, or keeping America safe. Thank You.