Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Correspondent Jackie Mason Comments On "SchlongGate"

Our correspondent Jackie Mason returns, with this commentary on "SchlongGate".

So, these shmendricks are getting their undies in a bunch over Republican candidate Donald Trump referring to Hillary Clinton "getting schlonged" by the pisher child-king Barry Obama? I wish these schmucks in the msm were as offended with all the corruption in the Obama White House.

As far as I'm concerned, this brouhaha barely even amounts to bupkes, in comparison with the child-king Barry destroying this country I love. I think when it comes to getting things done, Trump's a maven. In fact, he's a mensch.

I hope who ever The GOP nominee is, he or she kicks Hillary's tuchas in the general election.

I kind of like Trump's shtick, and how he gets people talking about issues regular Americans care about. We're sick of Hillary and her allies kvetching about Trump. Her former boss imports thousands of foreigners who hate us, and she's crying because Trump might have misused a Yiddish word?

Millions of Americans are having their health plans cancelled because of Obamacare, and this yenta and her friends in the msm are wasting our time on this? God help us.

After being "schlonged" by these creeps in The White House for 8 years, it will be good to throw these commie putzes out. The wife of that out-of-control creep Bill Clinton has some chutzpah blabbering about anyone being "schlonged". He used Monica Lewinsky as a human humidor.

That's all for now. Sheynam dank,

Jackie Mason

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Obama Twelve Days Of Christmas 2015

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, Obama gave to us....

12 million illegal aliens

11 impeachable high crimes

10 freaky leftist czars

9 trillion in new debt

8 more liars lying

7 race riots

6 murdered White Christians

50,000 Syrian refugees

4 TSA agents molesting my daughter

3 new wars

2 cancelled healthcare plans

and a ruined national economy

Monday, December 21, 2015

And Now, The Barack Obama Christmas Weather Forecast

Our national security continues to be threatened with temperatures in the 30's this week. It's a good thing that I destroyed the coal industry, or you folks in Minneapolis may be facing extinction.

On Christmas Eve, expect temps to hover around 22 degrees. This will probably give Santa a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, so he may cancel his yearly trip. While I'm loading up Air Force One for my Hawaii vacay, it looks like your children will probably get no presents this year. You can blame The Republicans for this.

When you wake up on Christmas Day you may need your sun block, as the daytime temp will top out at a Hellish 33 degrees. 

Overall, daytime temps will fluctuate wildly between 30 and 38 degrees. Back to you, Steve and Cindy.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

AG Loretta Lynch: If You See Something, Say Something. Unless They're Muslim

President Obama's Attorney General Loretta Lynch takes a break from her stakeout of Obama critic Tom Francois' home to send us this important message to the American people:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,
In the wake of the mass murder at the Christmas office party in San Bernardino, and other recent examples of death-by-Muslim, I just would like to take this time to remind the American people that if you see anything suspicious, contact us at The U.S. Attorney General's Office, Department of Justice.

Don't contact your local police. They're mostly White, and take pleasure in killing innocent Black-Americans. We're in the process of taking over local police departments, and replacing them with 'Obama cops.'

If you see something, say something---unless they appear to be Muslim. The husband and wife that shot up that Christmas office party in San Bernardino, California were only exercising their freedom of religion. I am proud to say that my office is investigating the Christmas office party victims instead. It appears that the shooting victims deserved what they got for provoking their Muslim co-worker to violence.

And so, my boss is toying with the idea of banning Christmas office parties. Christians are responsible for so much violence, racism, and hate. The Christians at that Christmas office party probably made the shooters feel 'left out', and that's almost as bad as when a young person is bullied at school.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important case I'm working on right now. Right-wing Obama critic Tom Francois is on Twitter at this moment spreading his racist hate against Dear Leader, and I'm in a large black van with two secret service agents two blocks away, monitoring him.

Allahu Akbar,

Attorney General Loretta Lynch

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

A Christmas Message To Actress Jennifer Lawrence

During the Christmas season, we should remember that some people suffer from melancholia and loneliness. One of these people recently did an interview with Vogue Magazine.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence disclosed that she is lonely. The star of The Hunger Games is beautiful, talented, and wealthy, yet suffers from loneliness.

We here at RSR would like to help her out of her current condition. One of our writers would like to meet her over coffee. His name is Joe, and he has a very special message for Ms. Lawrence:

Dear Katniss,

I was saddened to learn that you are suffering from loneliness. The Christmas holiday season should be a time spent with those you love, and it's not fair that a beautiful girl like you should be spending it alone.

I am a very single blogger here in Minneapolis, and I have my own place. Contact me, and maybe we can get together over coffee or lunch. You don't have be lonely anymore.

Call me anytime, Jen.


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Santa Claus: I Hate Obama's Stinking Guts

Santa Claus
Our correspondent makes his yearly visit to The North Pole, and finds a normally jolly St. Nick despondent and in an incredibly foul mood. Today is casual Friday at Santa's Toyshop, and he is wearing a grey hoodie and sweatpants.

His wife says that Santa has stopped eating, and she is worried sick. St. Nick spends his days and nights throwing darts at the Barack Obama dartboard in his office. Still, our guy spoke to him, and St. Nick had this to say:

God-dammit, I hate that asshole's stinking guts. How could nice, normal Americans ever elect that jack-ass TWICE? I get thousands of letters from sweet kids asking me to get their mommies and daddies a nice present because they've been laid off or had their hours cut due to Obamacare.

I know when you've been naughty, and I know when you've been nice, but that sociopath maniac Obama is just plain EVIL!

Innocent people are getting slaughtered by sick Islamo-Nazis all over, and that jack-ass says that 'climate change' is America's greatest national security threat? Dear God, as someone who works and lives at The North Pole, I don't mind a little global warming once in a while. It's nice to have it in the upper 30's instead of 20 below.

Our correspondent asked Santa what will Barack Obama be getting in his Christmas stocking:

Last year, and the year before that, he got a big, steaming reindeer turd. This year, I'm filling a paper bag with a huge turd, and setting it on fire on the White House front step. President Creepy will see it, and try to stomp out the flaming bag. One of my elves will videotape it, and put it on YouTube. Security is so lousy at The White House, we will probably accomplish this undetected.

Of course, Obama's Attorney General Loretta Lynch will probably put me on Obama's 'terrorist watch list'.

That ass-hole is bitching about Donald Trump not wanting any more Muslim troublemakers into America. Meanwhile, that anti-Christian bigot Obama refuses to allow persecuted Christians into the country. Effing creep. Damn, I hate his filthy, stinking guts.

Then, our correspondent asked Santa what will be the most popular gift he will be putting under American Christmas trees:

GUNS!!!! LOTS OF GUNS!!!! Listen, America's in trouble, and I'll be putting 20 million guns under American Christmas trees this year. I'm also doing this in Sweden and Norway, and any other place where these idiot governments keep letting violent Muslims into their countries.

A LOT of girls and women need to start protecting themselves from these goat-fucking, violent animals. Rape by Muslim males is rampant in these countries.

As for that prick Obama, he's been sending his commie union bosses up here to unionize our elves. I'm thinking about quitting, or maybe becoming a defense contractor. Maybe then that idiot will get off my case.

Finally, our correspondent wished Santa a Merry Christmas. To that, Santa huffed:

Oh yeah, Ho, ho, ho....whatever.