Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Ballad Of Hunter (The Seven-Year-Old Boy Accused Of Sexual Harassment)

Did you hear about that seven-year-old kid in Colorado who was suspended from school for kissing his female classmate on the hand? For some reason I think of the song El Paso by Marty Robbins when I think about Hunter's Story:

Hunter's a student in a grade school in Colorado
He made the mistake of kissing a GIRL
His little classmate and he were on a playground
She giggled and gave her hair a twirl

He kissed the hand of the young maiden
The two of them were just seven years old
Hunter said that they were boyfriend and girlfriend
Their classmates saw this and their blood runneth cold

They squawked and squealed on little Hunter
Off to the pricipal's office he was se......nn....nnn....nnnt
We'll suspend you from school you little monster
The kid was charged with SEXUAL HARASSMENT

This isn't how boys are supposed to act in Colorado
If it was 'same sex' it would then be just fine
But you kissed a girl and that is a no-no
Showing affection here is crossing the line

Hunter must serve a good, long suspension
We must now rob him of his joy
Next thing we know he will go rape somebody
We have to stop him from being a boy

The liberal teachers want to teach Hunter a lesson
Don't you ever kiss a young grrr--rrr--rrr---rrrlll
Or we'll throw you out of this school
We warn you, don't give it a whirl

There's three assistants to the left of Hunter 
and a school psychologist on the right
saying 'We will call your Mom to our office, Buster.'
You are in really big trouble, get out of our sight

Before young Hunter is to serve his suspension
He sees teardrops running down his girl's cheeks
He says 'The liberal weirdos cannot hurt our friendship
Just one kiss and....

See you in.......two.....weeks....'

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Sock Puppet Monkey Disarmed (Situation Averted)

A potentially dangerous situation was averted at The Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport last week, as 7-year-old Ralphy Jacobson tried to sneak his little sock puppet through airport security.

The sock puppet monkey had a little holster with tiny gun accessories.

Luckily, intrepid TSA Agent Ahmed Al-Alalal-Alal spotted the weapons, and alerted airport police. He explains:

His mom and dad were having their luggage inspected, and I noticed the offending toy monkey with what looked like tiny guns in the little holster. He should have known about our zero-tolerance policy.

I calmly called an airport cop, who inspected the gun-shaped toys. He told the boy to 'drop the monkey', and step away.

The boy seemed confused, so the cop yelled louder. The boy dropped his little monkey, and it looked like he was about to start crying. His parents gave the cop a dirty glare, then comforted their son.

We disposed of the tiny, gun-shaped accessories, and took the monkey. Chances are, it's in our no-no box, full of shampoos and stuff. One of our agents will probably take it home.

Come to think of it, that little sock puppet would make a great Christmas present.

Valerie Jarrett Looks Forward To 2014

It is that time of year when we look forward to the upcoming year, and we thought there would be no one better to tell the American people what to expect in 2014 than Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett:

On Election Night 2012, The President told his supporters that 'The best is yet to come.' I told you that soon 'there will be hell to pay,' for all our enemies. In 2014, both statements will come true.

We are fundamentally transforming America in much the same way I 'fundamentally transformed' Grove Parc Plaza. Soon, America will look like a bombed-out ghetto.

We have gutted the funding for America's veterans, and soon we will have Amnesty for 20,000,000 illegal immigrants. This means that we Democrats will own the country forever and ever and ever. We are persecuting and purging Christians from the military, and will soon have our 'national civilian security force' to do whatever Barack wants.

Obamacare will be enforced even if it crumbles under it's own weight. Millions upon millions of Americans are having their healthcare plans cancelled by those 'crooked' insurance companies. Millions more are having their hours cut back by their eeeevil employers. Our Obamacare 'navigators' are 'helping' the people sign up for this monstrosity.....uh....I mean....program.

We won't guarantee that your information will be safe. Maybe what everybody needs is an RFID microchip implanted in your wrist or forehead.

Soon, all of you will be wards of the state, dependent on Medicaid.

The administration snooped on The American People with The NSA, and harassed our opponents using The IRS. We sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers and lied about what happened in Benghazi. Those establishment Republican eunuchs won't do anything to stop us!

OUR government schools are teaching your little crumb-crunchers that Barack Obama is 'The Messiah.' and to be compliant little government Obots, willing to surrender all their freedoms for an Obamaphone.

Now, all this is already known, but The Obama Regime has some exciting news for you in 2014.

We will begin work on a $634,000,000 Sphinx, dedicated to King Barry. We're thinking about demolishing The Washington Memorial to make room.

We're planning to discontinue The Gregorian Calender, and replace it with The Obama Calender. The new months will be Obamuary, Obruary, Obarch, Obpril, Obay, Obune, Obuly, Obgust, Obtember, Obtober, Obvember, and Obcember.

In 2013, we closed veteran memorials. In 2014, we replace The World War 2 Memorial with The Statue of The Part-Time Worker. We will replace The Statue of Liberty with The Statue of 'Julia'.

We will replace all the American flags in the White House with Islamic prayer rugs.

There are rumors that we will be opening FEMA prison camps in 2014. I just want to re-assure The American People that this is just a rumor. For now.

But first, we have to figure out how to take away your guns.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Sister Mary Knuckles: CommieCore Is Satan's Lesson Plan

And now, Our Faith and Religion Correspondent is here to share somes thoughts on the new federal CommonCore educational standards. Take it away, Sister Mary Knuckles:

God bless, you snickering little rodent reporter.

CommieCore is the new national educational standards, brought to America by the spirit of Anti-Christ himself. Little children are mandated to sing the praises of the mulatto Marxist creep in The White House. In one perverse, wicked textbook, Barack Hussein Obama is referred to as 'THE MESSIAH.'

To people of faith, it is deeply blasphemous.

If he's The Messiah, then my fellow Catholics pray to Mother Madalyn Murray O' Hare. God forgive us.

Someone should inform these un-American weirdos that normal Americans don't worship their politicians. The last time I checked, this wasn't North Korea. We defeated Hitler and opposed the commies, and now America is indoctrinating her young people in the same, sickening manner.

In another lesson plan straight from Hell, children learn that the government is always right and must always be obeyed.

Tell that to the Native Americans who experienced the 'trail of tears.' I suggest that educators check out the new book by Glenn Beck 'Miracles And Massacres.' then tell me if you STILL believe the government is always right.

It's time to scrap CommieCore, and let people control their own education locally.

Until then, put your Satan-worshipping hands on your desk so I can smack 'em bloody, you bureaucrat bastards.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Red Forman: Pajama Boy Needs A Kick In The Ass

Our strange, unamerican President has introduced normal America to 'Pajama Boy', a smirking, onesie-wearing hipster-douche in a new effort to sell ObamaCare to young people.

Our correspondent Red Forman is here for some insight concerning this development:

What can I say? I carried a really big gun in Korea, and this effeminate douche can barely lift his tiny cup of cocoa with both hands. This jerk-off must have Carpel-Tunnel Syndrome.

Apparently, our president believes that this will be an effective way to sell Obamacare to the young people. I'm starting to get REALLY concerned for the future of this country if this is what the leader of the free world thinks of our young people.

In this weird ad, Pajama Boy advises Americans to 'wear pajamas', 'drink some hot chocolate', and 'talk' about health care. I wonder if this knucklehead has ever had a job, or ever crawls out of his pillow-fort.

He probably thinks that being an annoying onesie-wearing weirdo is a full-time job.

I can just imagine Christmas dinner with this doofus. My all-American wife, Kitty has cooked a kick-ass dinner, and I'm kicking back with Cousin Bob and his son Sluggo who's home from Iraq....

 ....and this annoying jack-ass in his jammies hijacks the conversation. He wants free healthcare. He has a crush on Barry.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. I tell him to go sit at the kid's table, while us ADULTS discuss the real-life HORRORS of Obamacare.

I thought my son Eric was an idiot. My son Eric looks like Douglas MacArthur compared to this insipid weirdo.

Pajama Boy needs a kick in the ass. That's all for now.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Congratulations To Politifact's Liar Of The Year

Congratulations to President Barack H. Obama, winner of Politifact's 'Lie of the Year' award. The biggest liar of them all said "If you like your health plan, you will be able to keep it."

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that Obama deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Exclusive: The Fake Sign Language Interpreter Was Telling THE TRUTH

Following President Obama's speech at The Nelson Mandela Memorial, people noticed that the sign language interpreter standing next to The President wasn't signing what Obama was 'saying'. To the trained eye, it was just gibberish.

However, we here at The RedSquirrel Report have made a shocking discovery. We have learned that the interpreter was a member of a tribe in South Africa who speak ONLY in this secret sign language. This tribe without a name also are experts in mind-reading, capable of seeing through the spoken word. They know EXACTLY what a speaker is really saying.

Our resident code-breaker has deciphered this secret sign language, and we now know what President Obama actually said:

Thank you........thanks......sit down, please.......A woman in section 24D row 14 just fainted. Give her some space....Thanks.

We are here to honor a great man. ME!

Seriously, though. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned by an evil white government in South Africa for 27 hellish years. I too have spent a considerable amount of time surrounded by criminals in a seething hive of evil-doers. We call this place The United States Senate.

Nelson Mandela was released, and we honor him because he DID NOT KILL the white devils who imprisoned him. He didn't sic The IRS or The NSA against them. He gave up terrorism. Mandela was a saint.

In fact, he and wife Winny gave NECKLACES to his enemies.

In many ways, the democracy Mandela created in South Africa is the envy of the world. But there again, he didn't have to deal with FOX NEWS.

Right wing racist meanies like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are still a threat to race relations worldwide, so we still have a long way to go. I have 'hope and change' as well as 'dreams from my father' that keep me going.

Meanwhile, rampaging Black youths in America avenge America's Jim Crow tradition by targeting elderly white victims. The law calls it 'assault'. We call it 'The Knock-out Game.' Tomato tomado.

It's a shame that many white American racists wouldn't vote for me, so my team had to steal the 2012 election. I was forced to disenfranchise our military voters serving overseas, using to IRS to harass our enemies, as we engaged in rampant vote fraud.

Recently, racist country artists Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley made fun of my greatest achievement, Obamacare, on The CMAs. Contemporary Country Music is the new White Power Movement.

We cannot wallow in hate. I have a dream that one day little, brainwashed children will be mandated by the state to proclaim ME as their messiah in government schools....

Oh wait! That day is already here! Thanks, CommonCore!

Racist White Latino George Zimmerman gunned down unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin. I often wonder what Nelson Mandela would have thought about Zimmerman. I believe that Mandela would have forgiven him, put a tire around him, then set him on fire.

Well, that's my time. I have some 'selfies' to commemorate this occasion. Peace out!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Pepperidge Farm Remembers The Knock-Out Game

The American people are being subjected to a new wave of black-on-white crime the perpetrators refer to as 'The Knock-Out Game'.

The game goes like this: As the white person, usually elderly, is walking along, the gang sends one of their cohorts to confront their prey, then strike him or her as hard as they can. It seems the idea is to make the victim lose consciousness.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it? The perpetrators give this activity a name that makes assault almost seem recreational.

Now it looks like some people are fighting back, as these thugs are running into armed citizens.

One such American is 85-year-old Hiram Higgenbotham. Here is his account:

Thanks, Red.

I remember it just like it was only yesterday. I was walking home after buying a Pepperidge Farm Coconut 3-Layer Cake at the corner grocery store, when suddenly this young colored fella jumped from around the corner.

I saw 7 or 8 other colored whippersnappers egging him on.

Now, I have heard about 'The Knock-Out Game' for several weeks, so I went and bought a pistol. I took gun training, so I was good and prepared for this situation.

I showed this thug my gun, and said, 'You better get lost before I bust a cap in your ass, punk.' He and his friends ran away, and I walked home and enjoyed my Pepperidge Farm Coconut 3-Layer Cake.

Pepperidge Farm Remembers.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

So I Was Watching TPT's Almanac Friday Night....

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was watching Almanac on Twin Cities Public TV, and checked out the Cathy Wurzer and Eric Escola interview of local author Kate DeCamillo.

The author has written a new book entitled Flora And Ulysses, a story about a girl and a typewriting squirrel.

A typewriting squirrel? Sounds vaguely familiar.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Twelve Days Of Christmas (Obama Re-Mix)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....twelve 'Knock-Out Game' thugs a 'beatin'

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....eleven NSA agents spying on my family.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....ten dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....nine IRS agents a' harassin'.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....eight illegal aliens demanding amnesty

On the seventh day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....seven Islamic extremist threats

On the sixth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....six freaky Obama Czars

On the fifth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....five election day fraudsters

On the fourth day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....four MSNBC hosts calling me a racist

On the third day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....three liars lying

On the second day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....two cancelled health care plans

On the first day of Christmas, Obama gave to me....one more city declaring bankruptcy

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Santa: Obama Is Getting A Reindeer Turd In His Stocking

Last week, our RedSquirrel Report correspondent made his yearly visit to The North Pole, only to find jolly St. Nick in an uncharacteristic foul mood. Santa had this to say:

"Because of sugarplum numb nuts Obama, I've had to cut my elf's hours. That maniacal jerk has caused the first work slow-down in our history!

I know when you're naughty or nice, Beyotch. Between gun-running to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, cancelling millions of health plans, and deserting our boys in Benghazi, I'm thinking about dumping a great big reindeer turd in your presidential stocking.

That also goes for anybody with an 'Obama/Biden' sticker on their car.

I'm also a little torqued-off at Rush Limbaugh. After Election Day 2012, he went on his radio program and compared Obama and ME! What the HELL?!

I may know when you're naughty or nice, but I'm not the creep using The NSA to violate your right to privacy!  I give toys to good boys and girls, while Prez Creepy gives out goodies and Obamacare exemptions to his cronys and supporters.

Also, I don't remember giving f-16's and other weapons to maniacs like Morsi in Egypt.

My dentist, Hermie, is thinking about leaving dentistry because of Obamacare. He may have to come back to the toy shop, even though he does NOT want to make toys"

We're sending our correspondent to The White House on Christmas Eve to find out if Saint Nick does dump a reindeer turd in the president's stocking. Stay tuned.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

An Idea For Conceal And Carry Proponents

In the state of Minnesota, our Obamacare exchange is called MNSure, and those folks are using Minnesota's very own Paul Bunyan in some of their ridiculous ads.

Conceal and carry is a hot-button issue here in Minnesota, so this bushy-tailed correspondent would like to see proponents should use THIS guy for some TV ads.

MSNBC's 2016 Prime-Time Schedule

In a couple of years....

Chris Matthews 'Hardball' will stay in the Weekday 7:00 time slot. 'Hardball' is like our never-ending 7:00 service at The Church of The Jug-Eared Commie. Just Lean forward, and kneel before the TV.

At 8:00, pencil-necked hipster Chris Hayes will get pummeled nightly in the ratings, until his program is moved to Sunday. After that, our
very own race-baiting buffoon Al Sharpton will move into the 8:00 time slot, where 'the reverend' will be a' hatin' on all those tea-baggin' honkys and Jews....

The Rachel Maddow Show will be moved to the 9:00 time slot. This move was made a year ago after Mr. Maddow was roundly slaughtered in the ratings by her more attractive competitor on that other cable news channel.


We will move psychotic misogynist Martin Bashir to The Saturday 7:00 time slot. Remember when Bashir suggested that somebody should defecate in former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's mouth? 

Ooooh, now THAT'S the in-depth, insightful commentary we provide here at MSNBC.

Then, the intellectual soul of MSNBC Toure' sits in for Ed Schultz at 8:00, who's on another hiatus for his insulting, hateful remarks towards conservatives.

We're not sure if our unhinged homophobe Alec Baldwin will show up for his 9:00 show. He might be somewhere, assaulting a reporter. 

As for Sundays, where we experience our highest ratings, we are thinking about filling your TV screen with color bars.

That's all for now. Lean Forward.