Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bless Obama's Heart

It appears that Presidential candidate Mitt Romney isn't intimidated by the gang from Chicago or their obedient state-run media. In a campaign stop in Iowa, he bitch-slapped Obama, using the words, "Bless his heart" to mock the president.

Bless his heart is a gentle way of showing pity or condescension, especially down South. Example:

That Bobby looks like he was beaten with an ugly stick. Bless his heart.

Sheila is so fat, you can show a movie on her butt. Bless her heart.

In his remarks in Iowa, Romney wrapped his insult in a veneer of mock-compassion. This resulted in last week's hash tag #BlessObamasHeart on Twitter.

I course, I got in on the fun:

Obama thought that he would come across as cool and exotic to Americans if he bragged about EATING DOG FLESH. #BlessObamasHeart.

He is SO modest. He ordered his college records sealed. I guess that he didn't want to show off his amazing GPA. #BlessObamasHeart

He's killed Keystone, the coal industry, harassed the private sector, unleashed his czars, his regulators, and the Employment Prevention Agency, and yet the unemployment rate remains high. #BlessObamasHeart.

That poor lamb knows absolutely NOTHING about the real world. Everything Obama knows he learned in some college faculty lounge....and from his communist mentor. #BlessObamasHeart

I am so glad that Barry slept through all those hate-filled rants of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. That maniac would have been a bad influence. #BlessObamasHeart.

Barack Obama needs that teleprompter to keep his foot out of his mouth. #BlessObamasHeart

While the gang from Chicago flails away angrily, filling the air with mean-spirited attacks and lies, Romney is making fun of these playground bullies. While Obama appears more desperate, the former Massachusetts Governor appears more Presidential.

Monday, August 27, 2012

It's All About You, Isn't It

Last week, one of our great national heroes, astronaut Neil Armstrong passed away at the age of 82. In 1969, he became the first man to step on the surface of the moon.

The world stopped, and listened, as he uttered these words:

"That's one small step for (a) man, one giant leap for mankind."

For the last 43 years, Neil Armstrong has demonstrated an admirable reluctance to cash in on his fame. This great American has refrained from calling attention to himself and his place in history.

Which brings us to our man-child president. After Neil Armstrong passed away, the Narcissist-in-Chief took the passing of a national hero as an opportunity to make it all about HIM, as usual.

To 'honor' Neil Armstrong, Obama posted this photo of HIMSELF.

This is the same president who de-funded NASA, turning it into a Muslim outreach program. Maybe he's just admiring the CRESCENT MOON.

This Just In: Mitt's Joke Has Obama Crying Like A Beyotch

Tonight's top story. Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney makes a wisecrack, and that has the Obama campaign freaking out.

In the past month, Team Obama has accused Romney of causing the death of Joe Soptic's wife, cheating on his taxes, being a felon, and hiding his money in secret foreign accounts

At a campaign stop in Romney's home state of Michigan, Mitt Romney said:

"No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place where we were born"

That has Team Obama crying 'foul.' It looks like Romney's little dig has Obama crying like a little beyotch.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

See Folks, Barack Obama HAS Changed The Tone

In 2008, Our Little Dictator promised to change the tone in our national political discourse. It's 2012, and you could say that is one promise he's kept.

He and his allies set the new tone on November 4, 2008. It was Election Day, as baton-wielding Black Panthers stood outside of polling stations, intimidating white voters. Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder has since demonstrated that he's not real keen on protecting whitey's rights.

See folks, Obama has changed the tone.

Obama fosters civil chaos, and his allies are emboldened. Michelle Williams, the maniacal Chief Of Staff at The New Black Panther Party promises to 'step on whitey's motherf..... necks.' The unhinged NBPP leader suggests that their followers kill white cracker babies while they're in their nurseries. That new tone is a beautiful thing!

As the Obama campaign makes one crazy accusation after another against squeaky-clean Republican candidate Mitt Romney, The New Black Panther Party are threatening to cause trouble at The Republican National Convention next week. See that America? Obama has changed the tone.

As Obama tells the private sector "You didn't build that", flash mobs commit crimes across this country, breaking into stores and stealing what they can. The President doesn't respect private property, so why should we?

Black on white violence has broken out all across America. Black youths look for vulnerable white Americans, and beat the living snot out of them. Being a thug has become quite fashionable. See America? Obama has changed the tone.

Obama has actively divided group against group, and has been quite successful playing the race card. His allies in the state-run news media has done a 'bang-up' job at sowing racial and socio-economic strife. As facts were still sketchy in the Trayvon Martin case, Obama provoked trouble, insinuating:

"If I had a SON, he would look like Trayvon. See America, I am changing the tone."

Recently, Obama's non-stop hostility towards Christians and capitalists have also provoked hostilities against Chick-fil-A and The Family Research Center.

See that, folks? Barack Hussein Obama has changed the tone. If he's re-elected, expect even more.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Time For A Public Service Announcement

If you have a disagreement with a person or organization, talk out your differences.

Debate the issues with those who you disagree with.

Don't walk into the Family Research Center, and start shooting people....like that douchebag Floyd Corkins did recently.

Shooting people just because you disagree with them is never cool.

State Rep Kerry Gauthier Receives...An Endorsement

Minnesota State Representative Kerry Gauthier (Democrat-Duluth) was caught having oral sex at a rest stop with a 17-year-old boy. As legislative Democrats demand his resignation, a new party in Minnesota has agreed to produce Gauthier's next campaign ad.

Here it is:

"Hello, Welcome to Minnesota State Representative Kerry Gauthier's new campaign ad. Representative Gauthier doesn't just give 'lip service', he really takes an interest in his constituents. Especially the young ones..

So, that's why I am proud to give TheMouthParty's oral endorsement to State Representative Kerry Gauthier.

I am Borat, and I approve of this message."

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Don't Be So Hard On Stephanie Cutter

Recently, Obama Campaign Deputy Manager Stephanie Cutter was caught lying, running with the sleaziest ad in American political history. The Obama Campaign suggested that Mitt Romney is responsible for the death of unionista (and Democrat operative) Joe Soptic's wife from cancer.

They accused Romney of taking her insurance away. Subsequently, we learned that she still had insurance after Soptic lost his job. To these Alinskyite radicals, a business should never be allowed to go bankrupt, unless they make solar panels and contribute to the Obama Campaign. Also, because Republicans cannot make like perfect, they need to be destroyed.

By the way, we also discovered that The Obama Campaign broke federal law by co-ordinating with Bill Burton and The Priorities USA Super-PAC.

But, let's not be so hard on Ms. Cutter. Maybe she was #BornWithoutAConscience. To these Team Obama Alinskyites, #TheEndsJustifiesTheMeans.

We know that #OurLittleDictator From Chicago can't run on his terrible record.  David Axelrod and the gang have to #BehaveLikePooFlingingApes, and hope that something sticks to their opponent.

Dealing with the avalanche of baseless accusations against him, the Romney campaign must also contend with the #RelentlessChicagoThugIntimidationTactics employed by these thugs. Donor intimidation is Jim 'Ginger' Messina's specialty.

After Cutter was caught in her lie, she cancelled an appearance on "ABC This Week with George Stephanopoulos". This is the same George Stephanopoulos who helped Bill Clinton lie his way into The White House in 1992.

Who knows? If Stephanie Cutter keeps lying, one of the networks will probably hire her to host her very own Sunday morning news show.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Dear Casey

Dear Casey,

The American people would like to dedicate a song to that idiot, Joe Biden. We are concerned about this gaffe machine's mental health, and wonder if he's on drugs or something.

This week, he spoke before a group, and suggested that The Republicans would like to 'put y'all back in chains.'  He has stuck his foot in his mouth on numerous occasions, but lately he has us REALLY concerned about his mental health. 

We're not sure, but some of us are starting to believe that he may be possessed by a REALLY goofy demon. 

We are getting more concerned every day. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't even know where he is. A couple days ago, our geographically-challenged friend spoke to a group in Virginia, while thinking he was in North Carolina.

Uncle Joe seems confused, not even knowing what century it is. Apparently, he believes he's in the 1900's. It's very sad to see him like this.

Joe also has trouble dealing with letters and numbers. To him, JOBS is a three-letter-word. It's scary to see someone (who's only a heartbeat away from being leader of the free world) act like this.

So Casey, will you please play "Fool On The Hill" by The Beatles? We just want to let goofy 'ole Joe know that we're just thinking about him. Thank you.

Well America, here's your long-distance dedication.

Chicago's Memorial To Barack And Michelle's First Kiss

The city of Chicago has erected a memorial at the spot where Our Dear Leader and The First Moocher shared their first kiss.

At the corner of Dorchester and 53rd Street, in Hyde Park, the 3,000 pound granite marker contains this inscription:

"On our first date, I treated her to the finest ice cream Baskin-Robbins had to offer, our dinner table doubling as the curb, I kissed her, and it tasted like chocolate."-President Barack Obama from an interview in O. The Oprah Magazine, Feb 2007

Your bushy-tailed correspondent wishes to announce that I am working on my own memorial to Barack and Michelle's first kiss:

Monday, August 13, 2012

Joe The Cartoonist's Report: The Closing Ceremonies

Hey everybody, it's Joe the Cartoonist. I'm at home, watching the closing ceremonies. Let's just pretend that I'm there....Oh look, it's starting now:

Hey look! There's Madness performing their 1983 hit "Our House".... and The Pet Shop Boys preforming "West End Girls"... and there's teenybopper boyband One Direction. I'm waiting for Iron Maiden and Motorhead to take the stage any minute now.

Newspaper taxis appear on the huge stage, and here comes a guy singing "Pinball Wizard" on a moped.

And now we have The New Age Commie Touchy-Feely International Children's Choir singing "Imagine". I am going to 'imagine' that I didn't just see this.

Hey, George Michael! Where's Andrew Ridgley?

Whiskey....Tango....Foxtrot!!! What is Russell Brand doing? He's on top of a very colorful bus singing, "I Am The Walrus". Yeah right. More like "I Am The Jack-A$$."

Where are The Sex Pistols?

Now, we are seeing some techno dance music from Fatboy Slim. Watching the dancers, something just occurred to me. The Brits aren't famous for their great choreography.

Brian May of Queen,  pop newcomer Jessie J and a stadium full of drunken fans singing "We Will Rock You". That was pretty hot. Ironically, this is the most ungay thing I've seen so far.

Oh, there they are...The Spice Girls! Now they're done. Now back to the spice rack you go.  Enjoy your retirement.

There's the Oasis vocalist, singing that Oasis song....but that's not Oasis.

I am hoping that Spinal Tap will perform, along with the little dancing children of Stonehenge. Please London, make it happen.

Now a guy is singing "Wish You Were Here." Good job, but I was wishing that David Gilmour and Rodger Waters were here to perform.

NBC pre-empted the performances by classic rockers Ray Davies and The Who. Instead, they premiered NBC's new show Animal Practice.

(sarcastically singing)"G.E. Brings good things to life."

We asked our new TV critic here at The RedSquirrel Report what she thought of NBC's decision to not carry performances by The Who and Ray Davies....

She was not impressed.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Randy Travis Working On Next Album

Well there are Three Police Officers an' they're coming to arrest me

An' now one is asking me, 'Where are your clothes?'

Friday, August 10, 2012

Last Night On The NBC Nightly News With Brian Williams

"Tonight's top story: Obama's Deputy Campaign Manager Stephanie Cutter lies like a priceless Persian rug lying on a rich man's floor."

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Obamnibull, The Musical

I wrote a musical, Well, one song for a musical. Here it is:

The Chicago Way (D) (G) (A)

(D)Hey there kid, this is the Chicago Machine
    It gets rough 'cause we do it mean
(G)We register voters even though they're dead
(D)Cross us once and we'll bust your head
(A) We're not really bullies-It's just The Chicago (D)Way

(D)We always win and we never lose
     And our bosses collect those union dues
(G)With our holy trinity you're never alone
(D)Little Ceaser, Mayor Daley, and Al Capone
(A)We're not really corrupt, It's just The Chicago (D)Way

(D)Now your opponent is some loser named Jack Ryan
    If we can't smear him then we're not even tryin'
(G)By the time we're done we'll ruin his life
(D)We'll spread a rumour about him and his ex-wife
(A)We'll clear the field-It's The Chicago (D)Way

(D)In a couple of years you'll be President
     Live in a big house and won't have to pay no rent
(G)With your friends Axelrod and Emanuel
(D)We'll make our enemies life a living Hell
(A)No, we're not really thugs-It's The Chicago (D)Way

(D)We just ask that you remember your friends
    Across this country our power will extend
(G)It won't matter that you're guilty as sin
(D)Just stick with us and you'll always win
(A)We'll run the country-The Chicago (D)Way

(A)We're not REALLY sleazy-It's The Chicago (D)Way

Copyright Joe Deal

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Barry, The Sleazy Thug From Chicago

This week, the Narcissist-in-Chief tried to make a joke at Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's expense, referring to his opponent as 'Romney Hood". Apparently, Obama thought that Robin Hood stole from the middle class, and gave to the rich. Sad.

If only The Indonesian dog meat connoisseur studied western culture, he would have known that the legendary Robin Hood 'stole' from the tyrant King John, and returned the money to the over-taxed people.

Robin Hood would have been the leader of the Sherwood Forest Chapter of The Tea Party.

In the Disney-animated movie 'Robin Hood', there was a scene where Robin's friends enjoy a song mocking the childish King John.

"The Phony King of England," sung by Robin's pal Little John reminds me of what's happening in in America right now. While the man-child Dictator taxes and ruins us,  my friends in the alternative media forest mock him.

I've changed some of the words, and it goes something like this:

Barry, The Sleazy Thug From Chicago

Well, the classrooms sing of a man-child king
We don't know where he was born
He offered change as he rode in on
his magic unicorn
Now our country's maxed and the people taxed
As he showers his crooked friends
We pay and pay and count down the days
When his reign comes to an end

Barry's unqualified and inept
We don't know where his records are kept
He's the Sleazy Thug From Chicago
A pox On the Sleazy Thug From Chicago

He sits aloof, that jug-eared goof
Pretends that he's the king
His wife's a Mooch, He ate a pooch
While Soros pulls his strings
This no-good fraud and Axelrod
and his pals down at ACORN
His weirdo czars have gone too far
As he always blows his horn

A liar and a phony!
The Commie and his cronys!
The sleazy thug from Chicago
The sleazy thug from Chicago

He regulates us to all to death
Killed the Keystone Pipeline
He wastes our Money on solar panels
But says,'You're doing fine.'
On Election Day, He'll go away
With Romney Hood We will win
America's had it with his lies
And we're sick of all the spin

Then Axelrod will tell his boss
'Oh, Crap, It appears that we lost.'
The Sleazy and Greasy Thug From Chicago
Spinning, blabberin'....
lyin', jabberin'....
constitution ripping....

The no-good Sleazy Thug From Chicago
The no-good Sleazy Thug From Chicago

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Obama's College Secret EXPOSED!

In Our Dear Leader's first directive as President, he ordered all of his college records sealed.

Nobody has been able to open his college transcripts at Occidental College, Columbia University, or Harvard Law School. He has spent millions keeping his records a secret.

NOBODY remembered him in college, which is peculiar. The professors have no stories to tell about the future PRESIDENT. How is this possible?

So, why won't he open his records? Did he receive bad grades? Did he even attend class?

The RedSquirrel Report has discovered the reason for all the secrecy concerning Barry Soetoro's college career. We spoke to a former janitor at Occidental College who wishes to stay anonymous. He describes Soetoro:

"Damn, that kid was CONSTANTLY BAKED! There was constant smoke in his dorm room. He was a total SCREW-OFF! I remember the day when I was emptying some wastebaskets just outside the door of Dean Winter's office when Barry was called in. I put my ear to the door...."

We spoke to the former college dean, and he confirmed that in the future President's first year at Occidental College, the dope-smoking freshman was flunking out. The Dean of Academic affairs, Dean Jonathon Winters, called Soetoro in to his office, and said the words that NO college Freshmen ever wants to hear:

"Barack Hussein Obama....Grade point average.....0.00.... "Stoned and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Monday, August 6, 2012

Dear No H8

Dear No H8,

 I just thought that I would take a few moments to write to you.

First of all, I don't care who you d8, or if you fel8, or if you're str8.

I don't care if you masterb8 or if you menstr8. I don't care if you rollersk8 or if you're overw8.

Just know that Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day wasn't about h8. Many people stood in line because their chicken sandwiches are grrrr8, and standing up for free speech is an admirable tr8.

In long lines, people did w8, in Red AND Blue st8s...but it wasn't about h8.

Well, n8....it's getting L8, and I gotta sk8. Even if we disagree, I'm not the type of guy who will yell at ya or ber8.

Have yourself a gr8 day, m8.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Joe The Cartoonist's London Olympics Report

Hey everybody, this is Joe the Cartoonist in London for the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Summer Olympics in jolly old London, England.

Wow,  amazing opening ceremonies. The "Murder She Wrote" lady did a hell of a job on "Hey Jude", but dang, I wished that Iron Maiden had performed instead.

That was quite a surreal tribute to socialized medicine. I must have missed the tribute to British dentistry while I was trying to find Australian sprinter Michelle Jenneke in the crowd. I believe that girl should have a guy like me in her life.

Queen Elizabeth parachuted in. That would've been something had someone packed an anvil in her backpack, though not as funny as when it happens to Wile E. Coyote.

I am not positive of this, but I think that about 38 of these national teams aren't real countries.

Hey! Bob Costas! You're beautiful, baby! You haven't aged a bit!

What the hell was the deal with all those children and the beds? At first I thought that they were doing some sort of production of "Little Orphan Annie". There was that ginormous, evil puppet (Lord Voldemort from 'Harry Potter'), then that weird, giant baby.

I bet if you turned down the volume on your TV, and put side 1 of Pink Floyd's "The Wall" in your CD player, and synch it up, it would have blown your mind.

Well, that's my report. I wished I could say 'live from the opening ceremonies', but this is Friday, August 3, 12:14 a.m. Back to you, RedSquirrel.

Part 2: Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day

Here is part 2 of our special report on Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. We begin our report on the front lawn of evil, bigoted evangelist Billy Graham, who has urged the American people to support Chick-fil-A:

"Christian bigots unite! Show your undying hatred for the Sodomites by supporting Chick-fil-A!"

Oh, this just in: Evangelist Billy Graham didn't say that.

Meanwhile, more Americans are standing in lines all across the country. As another happy customer walks out the door with their bag of fried food, the crowd cheers. There is a party atmosphere at this Chick-fil-A.

I asked one homosexual customer if he had trouble placing an order, he said:

Damn, these are the nicest bigots I've ever come across. One bigoted employee asked me if I'd like a re-fill, then another hard-working bigot took my garbage away!

Meanwhile, in Rahm Emanuel's city of Chicago, no one's singing the blues. As gunshots echo on the South side, happy Americans wait in line for their little piece of fried heaven.

Scores of smiling bigots discuss free speech and the upcoming election, before getting their opportunity to place their order. Friendly, cheerful employees were on hand to offer prompt, courteous service:

"Say, Miss, do you have any recommendations for a hungry, hate-filled, anti-gay bigot"?

As the day drew to a close, Chick-fil-A smashed sales records all across the country. What began as another Alinskyite scheme to intimidate and silence an American businessman for his deeply-held beliefs turned into a monstrously successful celebration of American freedom.

America got a little fatter yesterday, but it was fun to stick it to the joyless, leftist bullies who went after an American businessman.

The RedSquirrel Report salutes you, Dan Cathy. Burp!

This Just In: Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day ISN'T About Hate

Yesterday was Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. The RedSquirrel Report sent their correspondents all across this country to witness the anti-gay hatred. Here is our report:

Hello, RedSquirrel. I am here in line at a Chick-fil-A in Rockville, Illinois, and I can feel the anti-gay hatred bubbling up at this location. Several of the men left the line to beat another man they THOUGHT was gay. Oh, this just in: Nobody was beaten, and there is no real hatred here. Many in this line just wanted to support free speech, and wanted to purchase a good chicken sandwich. Back to you, Red....

Thanks. Now we go to a food court in Ohio.

Hey, RedSquirrel, I am in line. It looks like a riot is about to explode out of control. These right-wingers are a scary bunch. I'm keeping my eye on an elderly straight couple in front of me. If anything happens, I'm getting out of here. Back to you.

Thank you for your report, and stay safe....

Now, we head to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh, what are you seeing in line?

I'm in HELL, RedSquirrel! There's a man in this line with a t-shirt that reads, "God Hates Sodomites". I am seeing bigotry on display here.

Psych!...Actually, I'm in line with a very friendly bunch. Some quietly wait for the line to move. Some engage in small-talk, expressing their support for Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy's right of free speech. Many in line are making  jovial verbal jabs at Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel. 

I guess that Rahm Emanuel was absolutely right when he said that 'Chick-fil-A values isn't Chicago values'. No one's been shot to death, there are no reported drug dealers in any of the lines, and no one has seen any shake-downs or bribery....yet.