Saturday, July 15, 2017

Articles Of Impeachment

California Representative Brad Sherman has issued Articles of Impeachment against President Trump. Your bushy-tailed reporter is surprised that Democrats have taken this long to do so.

I thought they would try to impeach him before he took office in January.

Here are The Articles of Impeachment:

Article One: Assaulting The CNN Logo,

Article Two: Insulting Mika Brzezinski,

Article Three: Improper tweeting unbecoming a U.S. President,

Article Four: violating the mainstream media's First Amendment right to publish fake news by calling it fake news,

Article Five: Obstructing the election of Hillary Clinton,

Article Six: Firing James Comey, and calling Special Counsel Mueller's investigation a witch hunt,

Article Seven: Un-doing the agenda of Our Saviour and President-For-Life, Barack Hussein Obama,

Article Eight: Obstructing the globalist agenda,

Article Nine: Upsetting our corruption applecart.

Friday, July 7, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 8

The Republicans in Congress were passing resolutions every other week to repeal Obamacare while there was a Democrat in the White House to veto it.

Now, with a Republican in the White House they can't seem to repeal this crappy law.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

I Was Away For A Few Days

I was away for a few days, and didn't watch the news. Perhaps my readers can help me get caught up on the news I missed as I was enjoying the 4th of July fireworks in Duluth.

What's CNN lying about THIS WEEK? What fake news anti-Trump innuendo are they working on now?

Did Nancy Pelosi, Sheila Jackson Lee, or Maxine Waters say anything mind-blowingly stupid while I was gone?

Did the Democrats in St. Paul or the weirdos running Minneapolis make criticizing Somalis a crime? I could be going to jail.

How are the Republicans going to kill us all this week? Every time I turn on the news, the Democrat Chicken Littles in Congress are warning Anericans that the GOP are trying to kill us all.

Gosh, July is hot. Is the world ending???

Is The Resistance getting any closer to impeaching President Trump and throwing his family out of The White House?

C'mon folks, clue me in.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 7

President Trump's Attorney General Jeff Sessions has to recuse himself, but Clinton fixer David Comey doesn't.

Then, Special Counsel Robert Mueller fills his staff with Hillary Clinton donors to investigate completely phony charges against The President.

Friday, June 16, 2017

....And Now, A Public Service Announcement....

This is Kathy. She is a self-described comedienne.

Kathy thought it would be funny to take a picture of herself holding a bloody mock-up of President Donald Trump's severed head.

Please get psychiatric help if  you think this is funny....

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

MN Gov. Mark Dayton 'My Way 2017'

And now, The end is near
but we'll have another special session
Tell the Republicans that I am king
They don't know with whom they're messin'

I want more for public transit and pre-k
and none for the highways

Tell Kurt Daudt and the Grand Old Losers
That I will have it My Way

I signed the budget, but I've changed my mind
I am mentally unstable
I'll accuse the Republicans, of being mean to kids
I want to bring the budget back to the table

I want to veto the Legislature's budget
and let me mumble, and not in a shy-way

I'm warning my opponents to get out of MY WAY

Oh, I'll finish my second term if I am able
The Governor's Office is a giant Tower of Babel
I'll do this alone without Kurt Daudt
I took the budget, then I spat it out
The record shows, that my administration blows
I'm demanding they let me have MY WAY

I fell down on my job, slurred my speech
at the State of The State
We must fight climate change
We must do it now! before it's too late

We welcome our Somali neighbors
If you don't, just hit the highway

You might as well move to Wisconsin
I'll have it MY WAY

Oh, I'll raise taxes, and raise a fuss
and spend and spend the state's surplus
unionize your kid's lemonade stand
If you have a pocket, I'll stick my hand

The record shows, spending grows and grows
I'll have it MY WAY

The record show, spending grows and grows
I'll have it MY WAY

My Unnamed Source

It seems whenever Trump-hating news channel CNN has a late-breaking accusation against the president or someone in the administration, they begin a report with our unnamed source tells us.......

The unnamed source, is also known as an anonymous source. We don't know if he or she actually exists.

Your bushy-tailed blogger has his own unnamed source. Here are the top ten news stories we've obtained from my unnamed source:

10. California Representative Nancy Pelosi has an unclean spirit living inside her.
 9.  At least 135 Democrats in Congress have made a fortune accepting bribes.
 8.  Hillary Clinton's campaign director John Podesta was caught with a live boy in his bed in 2016.
  7. Former president Bill Clinton was caught with a dead girl in his bed in January.
  6. American dictator Barack Obama used the phase fundamental transformation of America because turning America into an impoverished third-world craphole didn't sound good.
  5. Obama sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers because the resulting carnage would convince the American people to surrender their Second Amendment rights.
  4. Before she was elected to Congress, Maxine Waters escaped from an insane asylum.
  3. Hillary Clinton running mate Tim Kaine was caught shoplifting in May.
  2. The Hillary Clinton campaign accepted money from every foreign dictator on Earth.
  1. Senator Charles Schumer is a serial groper.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Tonight On Fake News Theatre....

Places, EVERYONE!!!!

Watch as CNN stages another anti-Trump, pro-Islam protest....

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges: My Favorite Things

On May 23, Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges delivered the 2017 State Of The City Address from the Masjid an-Nur mosque.

Here is a short summary, sung by Julie Andrews:

Our city has been transformed by leftists and Somalis
Welfare for foreigners from Mexico and Mali
All of those Muslims that Lutheran Charities bring
These are a few of my favorite things

Sanctuary cities and genital mutilation
Thugs and pan-handlers at light rail stations
Liberal voters make my heart sing
These are a few of my favorite things

But we must resist Trump
He is a fascist meanie
He makes me mad
but I'm turning this city into a third world dungheep
I'll win in November, and that ain't too bad

Banning plastic bags I'm a mad hatter
Hijabs and gang signs and Black Lives That Matter
I just love the power to pull all these strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Turning our city into a Muslim ghetto
Soon our fair city will look like Soweto
Property taxes that will make your head sting
These are a few of my favorite things

But we must resist Trump
He is a meanie
He makes me mad
But all my PC voters are watching CNN
I'll crush all opposition... and I'm glad


This Is The Shadow Government

We celebrated on Election Night
seeing the electoral map turn red
We thought The eight-year crime spree was over
when we turned off our TV and went to bed
We were hoping the child-king would just go away
leading from behind, we were lead astray
Eight years of leftist decay
Like a Phoenix we were ready to fly

Now, it looked like the new guy would drain the swamp
and make America great again
We would be rid of that individual mandate
and pantsuit lady would be sent to the state pen

but it looks like he won't go away
ruining America he's got so many ways
when he's on the TV we take offence
Just say 'hello'
Just say 'hello' This Is the shadow government

Now we're fighting the establishment
But Soros and his thugs are threatening
Our enemies are beating free speech down
for the big-eared creep, the PETULANT child-king
Hashtag warriors often fail
with this 8-year fairy tale
Attorney General cleaning up all details
' Cause Creepy had to lie

The voters told this gang where they can go
There's a message we would like to send
We told them we've had enough of all this crap
The corruption had to end

Now we got deep-state all around
They're in every city and town
Don't defend Trump or Pence
This is the return
This is the return of the petulance

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 6

The fake news media chases this phony Trump/Russia non-story, yet 'media watchdogs' Media Matters are trying to have Sean Hannity thrown off the air because he's getting the truth out on the murder of Seth Rich.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

This Story Has Nothing To Do With Bill O'Reilly

Pre-production on Weird Science 2 is well under way. In this wacky reboot of the 1985 teen sci-fi comedy, 2 nerds create the perfect woman on their computer.

The stunningly beautiful woman, named Gretchen, gets her own show on FOXNEWS.

The nerdy, pimply-faced teens decide that just one perfect woman isn't enough, and they create more.  The computer-generated hotties all get jobs at FOXNEWS, and get hit on by co-workers. Chet O'Malley, the host of America's top-rated show, is sued for sexual harassment, and he's forced out.

Gretchen is able to transform and re-arrange matter by snapping her fingers. When Chet tries to ask her out one last time, she turns him into a giant, steaming pile of crap.

Can our nerdy heroes stop the chaos they created, or will FOXNEWS fall to last place in the TV ratings? Stay tuned!

The movie executives involved with this project are hoping for a theatrical release in the Summer of 2018.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

That's Incredibly Sick!

Here at RSR, we will be introducing a brand new feature we call That's Incredibly Sick!, with correspondents Fran Tarkenton, John Davidson, and Cathy Lee Crosby.

This week on That's Incredibly Sick!, our correspondents take a journey to the Muslim ghetto of Minnesota, where their state senate has shelved legislation dealing with the cruel, barbaric practice of female genital mutilation.

Stay tuned!

Sunday, May 7, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 5

The Clinton News Network accuses the Russians with interfering in our presidential election to help elect Donald Trump, while barack obama interferes with the Israeli election, the French election, and uses the Internal Revenue Service to harass conservatives during the 2012 presidential election.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Trump's First 100 Days (It's Been Great So Far)

Everyone is talking about President Trump's first 100 days in office. Here to give his report is the President himself, accompanied by Joe Walsh on guitar:

I 've been in office for 100 days
CNN calls me a failure, I am unfazed

I promised you that I would build the wall
We'll have the Mexicans pay for it all

'Just tryin' to drain the swamp and I'm having a tough time
The press tries to destroy me, I'm not taking a dime
but it's been great so far

Late night comics say my fingers are short
but we got Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court

The networks hate me all they do is attack
while my party stabs me right in the back

I fly to rallies, my supporters can't wait
then troll leftist jerks on Twitter, making America great

I'm in the Oval Office, executive orders that make sense
while the creeps in the media make fun of VP Mike Pence

Fulfilling my agenda is all that I do
I don't care what they say on (fake news)
My critics say that I haven't a clue
It's been going great for me so far

I fight the GOP, a lot of them are whores
I won the election, the media's still sore

Being The Prez is harder than I thought it would be
CNN still thinks Putin rigged the election for me

We're still trying to repeal that disaster Obamacare
The premiums are a real nightmare
and replace it with something a little more fair
The first 100 days have been great so far

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Pajama Boy's Message To The Resistance

While AntiFa activists stamp out free speech in Berkeley, we at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to all sides. Here with his commentary is a leader in the anti-Trump 'resistance':

Why, Thank you, RedSquirrel,

I am here in my pillow my Mom's basement. I am waiting for orders from 'Uncle George', and enjoying a hot cocoa that I am holding with both hands. Trolling those deplorable Trumpsters has giving me acute carpel tunnel syndrome, but I'm resting comfortably.

Good news! The resistance has beaten back that blonde monster Ann Coulter. She thought she could invade our stronghold, but just like the French taking back their country from the NAZI's, we defended The University of California-Berkeley.

I am so proud of you that I tried on my black mask and looked at myself in the mirror, and have to say that I looked quite bad-assed!!

A few months back, the resistance defended us from the likes of Milo Whatshisface and Charles Murray.  Our people taught those pro-Trump meanies not to mess with us!!

But this is not the time to rest! Do not....I repeat....DO NOT PUT AWAY YOUR PUSSY HATS AND 'SHE PERSISTED' T-SHIRTS!! There is still much to protest. We cannot stop until that orange fascist Trump has been forced out of office and our QUEEN Hillary immaculated.

Over and out,


Thursday, April 20, 2017


We are Obama's Commie Army
Anne Coulter's on her own
Free speech is dead here at Berkeley
We'll break Charles Murray's bones

We told the police to stand down for us
so we can knock people to the ground
Because we disagree with Milo
We're violent snowflakes
We own this college town
and our leftist professors tell us what to know

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Red Forman: Deport These Assholes Now

Everywhere in the alternative news media we are hearing about all the trouble Muslim refugees are causing. Europe is being destroyed by Muslim refugees. Paris and London are on fire, as the governments across the continent ignore a Muslim rape epidemic.

Can this happen in America? Should we wait for it to happen?

Here to comment on this matter is our correspondent, Red Forman. Take it away, Red:

Thanks, Red....

In late June of 2016, 20-30 Somali men drove around in a well-to-do neighborhood in Minneapolis, parked their autos on the lawn of a local woman, and began shouting loudly at her.

These psychotic, inbred creeps screamed that they were going to rape her. Only 1 local TV station reported on this incident, and no one was arrested. The woman told her story to KSTP-News, but didn't want to show herself on camera.

It's now ten months later, and nobody has put a foot up their asses. Every other week, we keep hearing about an adherent to the 'religion on peace' committing mass-murder or rape. Then, some creepy imam or a CAIR spokesman tells us that it's the muslim's right to commit these heinous acts.

These assholes say that Muslims wouldn't rape infidel women if they would stop provoking Muslim men by wearing bluejeans. To the muzzies, beating their wives and mutilating their daughter's genitals is 'holy'. Personally, I view it as a 'maladjustment'.

Guys like me love and respect our wives. We adore our daughters. My wife Kitty is quite a spectacular woman, and my daughter Laurie is the apple of my eye. If you can't deal with it, there's the door, Mohammad.

If you try to mutilate my daughter, I'll will mutilate your face.

Meanwhile, satirist Ami Horowitz produced a video where he asked Somali Muslim residents in Minneapolis which would they prefer, living with The U.S. Constitution as the law of the land, or Islamic Sharia law. The Muslims preferred Sharia.

If sharia law is what you want, you should go back home where you already have it. Don't come here and try to turn America into the Hell you left. Shariah law is incompatible with The Constitution.

So, why are they here? Apparently, because they vote for Democrats. The Dems bring them in, and give them lots of welfare as a reward for keeping them in power. Quite a corrupt little arrangement they have here.

I have an idea. If you happen to be a Muslim, but you love America and are willing to work, you can stay. We love having ya.

On the other hand, if you are here to cause trouble, just go back to the Islamic craphole from where you came from. As for those creeps that threatened the woman in Minneapolis I say to our government 'deport these assholes now.' Do it, or the voters will put their foot up your ass.

Thank you

Thursday, April 13, 2017

We Dropped A Bomb On You

It appears that ISIS has released a video after The US dropped a 22,000-pound MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs) in Afghanistan:

This Is Bullshit, Part 4

President Trump's enemies demand that he divests from his business(es), yet ultra-corrupt Democrats like Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi have become filthy rich solely from their cushy positions in the government

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Dumb Things My Co-Workers Say

That Ivanka Trump should be investigated for accepting that job at her Dad's White House.....

Mike Flynn better not ask for immunity. He should be forced to tell The Democrats what he knows first....

Did you see that idiot Trump has brought jobs back to coal country. COAL???? Jeez, what about renewable sources of energy and wind? Coal is so old....

Kellyanne Conway is so....................punchable.

That whole (Trump) family is so..........blech......

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

What Are Alternative Facts?

Recently, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway coined a phrase alternative facts as she attempted to make a point in the Republicans favor. As usual, when anyone on Team Trump makes a rhetorical misstep, the msm and the liberal twits on Twitter lose their minds.

The mistake that Ms. Conway made was suggesting that Democrats have ANY claim to the truth. She gave Trump's intellectualy dishonest enemies a lifeline. For a moment there, she forgot to treat The Democrats the way they should be treated.

Democrats are criminal, Alinskyite, lying frauds.

Example: the Democrats lie to us about the unemployment rate. We know that the real unemployment rate is much higher than 4.8% . If you said there are over 90,000,000 Americans without jobs, you would not be stating an alternative fact. That would simply be the truth. 

The enemies of Trump are suggesting that The Russians helped him win the election, yet there is no proof. CNN are still traumatized over the fact that Donald Trump won the election, and this is the way The Clinton News Network tries to explain it.

At the same time, CNN ridicules The Trump Camp for suggesting that Obama either wiretapped or surveilled Trump Tower during the presidential election. With surprised faces they ask why he and his team would make such a dubious claim. Gee, I don't know. Obama wiretapped German President Angela Merkel, the Associated Press, and abused his power for eight, long years.

Ms. Conway should never use the term alternative facts never, ever again.

Hillary Clinton Comes Out Of The Woods

Great! Now, Let's get her into a courtroom.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Bow Wow Needs His Nose Hit With A Rolled-Up Newspaper

....and in other news....

Rapper Little Bow Wow, nephew of Snoop Doggy Dog, threatened to 'pimp out' First Lady Melania Trump.

In the opinion of this grizzled newscaster, I think that The President ought to whap Little Bow Wow in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

....And In The Communist Weather Forecast....

It's the middle of March, and much of America is covered in snow. Many Americans are experiencing blizzards, and the government may have to postpone the first day of Spring.....


Saturday, March 11, 2017

Kellyanne Conway's Correction

Kellyanne Conway, the national director of  President Trump's victorious presidential campaign made a mistake when she referred to the Bowling Green Massacre. The problem with this massacre is that it never happened. As a result, all of the presidents enemies took to Twitter and CNN, lambasting the blond conservative.

We at The RedSquirrel Report believe that when you make a mistake, you own up to it, then correct the mistake. Here is the correction Ms. Conway SHOULD make:

During the debate on whether or not the president has the right to keep some people (mostly from countries with large, violent Islamic extremist populations) out of the country, I mistakenly made reference to The Bowling Green Massacre. As we know, this massacre never happened.

If I offended any terrorists or leftist dhimmis, I sincerely apologize. I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I would also like to take this opportunity to make a much-needed correction, and correct the record. I said The Bowling Green Massacre when I meant The NineEleven-1993 World Trade Center Bombing-Fort Hood-Orlando-Chattanooga-Bataclan Nightclub (take a breath)Massacre.

This has been a very humbling experience.

Kellyanne Conway 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Word From Our New Sponsor.....

Come on down to F&R Department Store! We have a great Not My President's Day Sale!

F&R has great deals for all you special snowflakes who STILL haven't accepted the result of last November's presidential election! Don't cry, baby! After the NOT MY PRESIDENT'S DAY rally, come down to F&R, and re-stock your supplies!

Diapers for only $10. (Of course, we accept EBT CARDS!) We also have TOP BRAND PACIFIERS for only $1!

So, come on down to F&R!

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Belts For Black Guys

February is Black History Month, and The RedSquirrel Report is combating a terrible scourge effecting Black communities across the country.

Sagging pants.

It seems that a high number of Black males are not even aware that their pants are sagging far beneath the waist, even revealing their underwear.

How does one find employment dressed this way? They look idiotic.

RSR are proud to supply belts to the less-unfortunate. Please donate $15 to Belts For Black Guys, P.O. Box 56, Minneapolis, MN.

Together, we can help them dress themselves properly.

(Note: This is just a parody. DO NOT give us your money.)

Homesick For Taconite Lyrics

In May 2015, I recorded a CD at Black Apple Productions in Minneapolis. I had written a batch of songs more less relating to memories of my childhood on Northern Minnesota's Iron Range. By September, the artwork and the first 300 copies of Homesick For Taconite were done.

Since then, 40-50 copies have been sold or given away to co-workers and people I know. Hopefully, I'll get a distribution deal set up soon, and maybe I'll get a couple music vids finished and put up on YouTube. When they're done, I'll blogpost them here.

Here are the lyrics for the ten songs that appear on Homesick For Taconite.

Scenic Highway

I'm on my way home, to the Scenic Highway
I'm so homesick, I miss my family
It's where I grew up....the Scenic Highway
That song on the radio reminds me of yesterday

I'm on my way home, to the Scenic Highway
'Going back to the place I know where I belong
Tall, tall trees line the Scenic Highway
Crickets serenading me with their little happy song

My spirit tells me we should get together
and have a little party with family and friends

I'm on my way home to the Scenic Highway
'Maybe plant some roots down, and grow a little family
Tell the girl I love I think I'm ready now
There's no place quite like the Scenic Highway

My spirit tells me we should get together
and have a little party with family and friends

I'm on my way home to the Scenic Highway
I'm so homesick, I miss my family
It's where I grew up....the Scenic Highway
That song on the radio reminds me of yesterday
There's no place quite like the Scenic Highway

Clotheslined By Love

It started the day I blew right on thru that stop sign
when I saw Jenny Potter hanging clothes on the line
Her long, blond hair and her sun dress just a' swayed in the breeze
The way that girl looked could drive the devil down to his knees
She knocked me out she knocked me right out flat on my ass
I never thought that I could ever fall so fast
She was shining like an angel sent from above
You could say on that day I clotheslined by love

I was clotheslined by love
I was clotheslined by love
I was clotheslined by love
I was clotheslined by love

I took a standing eight and then I took a deep breath
I was in love now and it scared me to death
It seemed as if my heart was hanging on the line
I prayed to God Almighty, 'Would you make that girl mine?'


I was clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love

I was clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
clotheslined by love
She was sent from above
I was clotheslined by love

Hurricane Janelle

I don't know if it was April or May
when Hurricane Janelle took our Daddy away
It might've been the beer or humidity
that uprooted our family tree
I don't know if it was April or May
when Hurricane Janelle took our Daddy away
That homewrecker left Mom in a bind
and drove her down to the welfare line

I don't know if it was June or July
when Hurricane Janelle made my big sister cry
You could say those were turbulent days
when Hurricane Janelle took our Daddy away
I don't know if it was June or July
when Hurricane Janelle made my big sister cry
Category 5's pack a powerful force
Thank you Satan, for no-fault divorce

Now, Old Janelle struck a long time ago
We're alive and kicking, well what do you know?
Some of us kids got a touch of grey
The family tree's a' growing and we're doing o.k. (say!)
Old Janelle struck a long time ago
We're alive and kicking, well what do you know?
Some of us kids got a touch of grey
The family tree's a' growing and we're doing o.k.

I was on Facebook today
and I friended my step-brother Ray
I asked him, 'How are you doin', bro?'
He said, 'We're doin' o.k.
Me n' my wife are expecting in May...'
I was on Facebook today
and I friended my step-brother Ray
I asked him, 'How are you doin', bro?'
He said, 'We're doin' o.k.
Me n' my wife are expecting in May
Me n' my wife are expecting in May.'


Hey there pretty birdy, You look so fine
Come on, and press that little beak right next to mine
I love you, (You) know it's true, Chickadee
Yes, I love you
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee

I knew I always loved you, I knew all along
You make the sun shine when I hear your song
Come along, Fly with me, Chickadee
Come on, baby
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee

Come on, Honey Bunch, Let's go build our nest
My heart is beating inside this warm, red breast
Love you best, more than the rest, Chickadee
Come on, baby
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee
I love you, Fly with me, Chickadee

Little Suzi Sejnoha

First day of First grade
Oh man, I got it made
I'm not in Kindergarten any more
Saying 'Hi' to classmates
New year, clean slate
Hey looky who's standing at the front door

Little Suzi Sejnoha
Cutest little girl I ever saw
Her desk was only three rows away from mine
I'm a' going ga-ga
for Little Suzi Sejnoha
Maybe I can talk to her in the lunch line
(That would be fine)

Third-hour recess
Little Suzi in that dress
Our class was playing dodgeball outside
I threw the ball at Sue
Didn't know what else to do
Hit her in the head and she began to cry
I just wanted to meet her
'Didn't mean to hurt her
I was just turning on my boyish charm
She wiped off her face
and wiped the dirt from her lace
Then, she hauled off and socked me right on the arm

Little Suzi Sejnoha
Cutest little girl I ever saw
Her desk was only three rows away from mine
I'm a' going ga-ga
for Little Suzi Sejnoha
Maybe I can talk to her in the lunch line
(Yeah, yeah)

Jungle gyms, climbing trees
Played with frogs, skinned our knees
Eventually, we became good friends
We played football
and chased each other down the hall
Man, I would love to be 'tackled' by Suzi again

Little Suzi Sejnoha
Cutest little girl I ever saw
Her desk was only three rows away from mine
Yes, I'm a' going ga-ga
for little Suzi Sejnoha
Maybe I can talk to her in the lunch line

Agate-Picking Woman

There's a lady from Minnesota
way up there, right on the Iron Range
A little grandma, with worn-out sneakers
You could say she goes against the grain

Let me tell you about that agate-picking woman
She takes her agate bucket to the mines
God bless that little agate-picking Grandma
Today, I wonder what today she's gonna find
She's that agate-picking woman

Now, she digs those pretty, pretty colors
Those gemstones only God could design
She takes her bucket, and walks for hours
picking rocks in that old, deserted mine

Let me tell you about that agate-picking woman
She takes that agate bucket to the mines
God bless that little agate-picking Grandma
Today, I wonder what she's gonna find
She's that agate-picking woman

When she gets home, She empties that bucket
Then, she will check out those pretty stones
Smooth those edges in a rock tumbler, tumblin'
(and) listens to a little radio

If you see that lady from Minnesota
The woman with those worn-out sneaker shoes
a little ore dust on her black windbreaker
Tell her I'll be coming home real soon

Let me tell you about that agate-picking woman
She takes her agate bucket to the mines
God bless that little agate-picking Grandma
Today, I wonder what she's gonna find

Wild Strawberries

I think about the good 'ole days
when I was just a kid
A song or taste will take me back
or remind me of something that I did
Us kids were always a' running around
We used pine cones for baseballs
We had lots of room to grow, but most of all

I love wild strawberries

We also had plumb and apple trees
and Mama would can that fruit up
We were wild and we were free
'Didn't know if we had it rough
Playing hockey in the deserted mines
when the ponds would freeze in December
We had each other and we had fun
and I also remember....

I love wild strawberries....wild strawberries

Mama died about three years ago
and I've been living in the city for years
I think about moving back some day
if I could just get myself into gear
I dwell inside these memories
of a better time
Talking on the phone with my brothers and sisters
But, you know that I'm.........
thinking about...........
wild strawberries

Are There Any More At Home Like You?

I went out with your sister, now I don't even miss her
after all the Hell she put me through
I thought that maybe I was cursed, things went from bad to worse
on the day that I met you

Just stay away, Devil's daughter
I've doused my doorposts with holy water

Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you?
Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home....
any more at home like you?

Oh, Please do tell, Is this the end of my Hell?
It's the least that you can do
Now I know just what you're all about, In the name of love I cast you out
I won't be your fool

Just stay away, Devil's daughter
I 've doused my doorposts with holy water

Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you
Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you

Just warn me now, Devil's daughter
I've doused my doorposts with holy water

Just warn me now, and tell me true
Are there any more at home like you
Just warn me now (warn me now), and tell me true (tell me true)
Are there any more at you
like you

Chasing The Afternoon Away

Chasing the afternoon, just chasing the afternoon away
We'll be chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon
Chasing the afternoon away

(I'm) gonna catch some fireflies
See the moon light in my girl's eyes
What a way of winding down the day!
Kissing on the front porch swing
Not doing much of anything
She takes my hand, We go upstairs, and we
do what we may

Feel the pull of the moon
Got me crazy like a loon
Happy while the crickets serenade
Tonight was made for you and I
Night owls, tonight we fly
Chasing the afternoon away

And we'll be......

Chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon away
We'll be chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon,
Chasing the afternoon away

Oh yeah............

Today the clock stopped at 4:55
I'm so glad I made it out of work alive
I'm going home, and I'm gonna play

And we'll be....

Chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon away
We'll be chasing the afternoon, chasing the afternoon
Chasing the afternoon away
Chasing the afternoon away

God Bless This Old Dump

God bless this old mess
We liked it, more or less
One day it will be condemned
So, God bless this old dump until then

It was the house nobody wanted
Some even thought it was haunted
The plumbing didn't work
and the front door, she needed a jerk

So, God bless this old mess
We liked it, more or less
One day it will be condemned
So, God bless this old dump until then

One day, they tore it down
and Mom got a new place in town
We still have memories
All that's left are the trees

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Commie Anthem Parody Alert (If I Had A Hammer)

One of President Trump's defining campaign policy initiatives relates to the issue of stopping illegal immigration. During the presidential campaign, he promised to build a wall along our southern border, and he vowed to make Mexico pay for it.

It appears unclear if this is doable, because Mexico's President Neito says that he won't pay for the wall.

What his policy needs is a good, rousing song. So, in the spirit of the leftist protest folk singer Pete Seeger, we have re-written one of his most famous songs.

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
all across the Rio Grande
I'd hammer out the drug dealers
I'd hammer out the welfare cheats
I'd hammer in jobs
for my brothers and sisters
All across this land

If I had a wall
I'd wall off the illegals
I'd wall off the migrants
I'd keep them off my land
I'd keep out the killers
I'd keep out the beheaders
I'd wall in jobs
for my brothers and sisters
All across the land

Is It Trump Derangement Syndrome Or Demonic Possession?

Wow, new President Donald Trump has been in office for about three weeks and his enemies are going insane. One day after his inauguration, there was a woman's march in Washington D.C., where women paraded around in huge vagina costumes and Madonna threatened to blow up the White House.

So, we asked our religious correspondent, Catholic Sister Mary Brokenknuckles to comment about these recent events centering around the new president and his enemies. Take it away, Sister Mary:

God Bless, RedSquirrel,

Our Mother Mary, full of grace. God's blessings be to America for not electing that Satanic career criminal and pro-abortion witch,  Hillary Clinton.

Yes, there was a 'women's march' in DC. Speaking at that unholy get-together was unbalanced actress Ashley Judd. She sounded like she was speaking in tongues. I understand  that recording engineers actually replayed her speech backwards, and it actually made more sense. I personally believe she is demonically-possessed.

The unholy skank Madonna suggested that someone 'blow up The White House.' I understand that The F.B.I. payed her a visit. I am sure she has an unclean spirit living inside her.

What she needs is an exorcist. Please, God, have mercy on that skank's soul.

There were even women walking around in giant vagina costumes in front of innocent children. I suppose you can chalk it up to 'Trump Derangement Syndrome.'  CNN offers non-stop criticism and false news bashing Trump. We get it, CNN....You HATE him!

Congress voted to confirm Betsy DeVos as the Secretary of Education. She wants to do away with those ungodly Commoncore Standards. I hope that she takes the wooden ruler to the knuckles of the communist teacher's unions. Did you see those 'Democrat activists' block her path to that school? Come to think of it, the Demoncrats used to block people from school doors in the 1950's!

Some things never change!

Then there are these psychotic, unhinged so-called 'protesters,' For God's sake, these aren't protesters! They're violent thugs! If CNN were around in the 1930's, they would've referred to the NAZI Brownshirts as 'protesters'!

Some of these Hillary voters need to grow up. You lost. Try to win next time.

At the Screen Actor Guild Awards, Meryl Streep attacked our blessed President. Personally, I won't know what I will or should think about the important issues of the day until I hear what Ms. Streep has to say. (I'm rolling my eyes sarcastically.)

Now, I will say a little prayer for the Hollywood creeps attacking the 10-year-old son of the President. Dear Lord, In the name of your mother Mary, I hope you give those creeps in Hollywood the great big holy slap in the face! Amen!

The leftists are attacking our wonderful new Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and that psychotic demagogue Elizabeth Warren was slapped down for reading a 31-year-old letter from Coretta Scott-King.

The letter was written BEFORE Ms. Warren learned that she was born native-American.

The leftists are just unhappy that for the first time in 8 years the AG isn't a corrupt, Black criminal.

Nancy Pelosi called Trump advisor Steve Bannon 'a White-supremacist.' We've always known that Nan is bat-shit crazy, and she probably has a very insane, unclean spirit living inside her.

When a commie calls you a 'White-supremacist', that means 'you are effective.'

I'm so disappointed that grotesque nightmare Rosie O' Donnell and her obnoxious Hollywood friends have STILL not left America. They promised to leave America if Trump won. Damned liars. There is no place in Heaven for liars!

Well, that's all for now. God Bless....

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Some Scenes From The Trump Inauguration

.....while the new president 'spouted hate against women, gays, immigrants....'

....'Whether we are Black or Brown or White, we ALL bleed the same red blood of patriots...'

the loyal opposition engaged in some Democrat party outreach.

Bill Clinton: Wow, I'd sure like to stick a cigar inside Ivanka......

Hillary Clinton: Down, Bill.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Obama's Teary-Eyed Farewell Speech

'We did it! Well, actually I DID IT!

Somehow, I sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, committed treason against America too many times to count, and ignored the separation of powers....and avoided prosecution for a myriad of crimes against the American People!

A week before I was elected president, I vowed to 'fundamentally transform' this racist, unjust nation, and promised 'hope and change'. It's not FAIR that The United States flaunt her affluence, power, and freedom, so I knocked this country down a few pegs. I ran this government like a third-world dictatorship!

I am proud that under my rule race relations has greatly improved. Now, Black Americans can exercise their right to engage in 'The Knock-out Game' all over the fruited plain and jump all over police cars. However, our battle continues. Soon, White Americans will pay reparations for slavery! I may not get to the promised land....or maybe I might!

We remember the 'gentle giant' Michael Brown and murder victim Trayvon Martin. They remind us that this country still has a long way to go when it comes to race relations.

We will not ever be treated equal until we nationalize the police.  I regret that I was never able to have my fully-functioning 'National Civilian Security Force'. Adolf Hitler had his Gestapo, but he was White.

It's just not fair.........

I tried to bring 'sensible' gun control to this racist nation, but those maniacs at The National Rifle Association obstructed my efforts. Hopefully, my friends at the UN can do something about gun violence in this country.

However, I brought affordable health care to all Americans, undocumented immigrants, and Syrian migrants alike. I promised the American People that 'if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor', but that right-wing gasbag Rush Limbaugh and obstructionist Republicans in Congress stopped me from fully fulfilling that promise.

(sniff) I just realized that on January 20 you pitiful Americans will no longer have me as your President. Do not worry, for I am setting up my shadow government to keep the orange man in check.....unless he indicts me and most of my inner circle first.

That brings me to my former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. I believe that she was cheated out of the presidency by Vladimir Putin and his hackers. We will need an army of 'community organizers' to riot and harass the illegitimate president-elect until he resigns from office and Hillary is installed as the rightful puppet....i mean....president.

But I say this to you (sniff)...

Don't be discouraged. When they go low, we go high. We Democrats are born to rule, tax, and punish the other side. We are the party of the Obama phone and generous welfare benefits. We are the party of the rigged voter machine. We are the party of Hollywood, CNN, undocumented 'dreamers' and CAIR!

And speaking of undocumented 'dreamers', let me tell you about 'another dreamer.'  The Reverend Martin Luther King said, 'I have a dream.' His dream is our dream! Let's make it happen!!!

Aztlan Now! Allahu Akbar!!!!

That's my time (sniff)!!!!

Our 6-year-old President Gives Himself A Shiny Medal

Oh, this just in:

Now, our six-rear-old president is giving his Vice-President a shiny medal.....

News You Can Use

Today, The RedSquirrel Report issues this media warning to viewers of CNN.

Our team of media scientists worked with human test subjects, and monitored them as they watched several cable news programs. According to these tests, we discovered that listening to CNN panelist Symone Sanders for just 1 minute destroys an average of 1,985,345 brain cells.

The level of brain damage spikes wildly after our test subjects hear Ms. Sanders spout numerous, extra-ridiculous remarks, such as her assertion that President-elect Donald Trump's slogan Make America Great Again 'takes us back to a time when we were in slavery.'

Our test subjects lost as much as 400,543 brain cells in the 2 seconds it took for Sanders to make that insane quip.

When 4 Black youths kidnapped and repeatedly assaulted a disabled White man in Chicago and screamed 'Fuck White people', Ms. Sanders blamed the President-elect for the attack. Our test subjects lost almost 4 million brain cells.

The RedSquirrel Report will stay on this important story. You're welcome.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017




Monday, January 2, 2017

Jackie Evancho's Manager: You Anti-Trump Weirdos Are Marketing Geniuses!

Ultra-talented 16-year-old singer Jackie Evancho is being bullied and threatened simply because she has agreed to perform at Donald Trump's inauguration. As a result, The Intolerant Left has made the singer the most-talked about entertainer in America.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that her management should at least send Evancho detractors a thank you note:

Dear anti-Trump Showbiz bullies,

You guys are marketing geniuses!! Because of your mean-spirited attacks on Miss Evancho, we at Team Evancho have experienced an amazing increase in CD sales and song downloads! She was already topping the charts, but now business is skyrocketing. People everywhere are discovering her music because you anti-Trump whackjobs can't control your insane hatred for the president-elect. Thank God for our enemies.

Keep it up, jack-asses. At this rate, she will outsell The Beatles.

Thank you

Team Evancho