Friday, December 29, 2017

And Now, A Word From Our New Sponsor

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and this Christmas is even more special. President Trump has just signed the biggest tax reform in over 30 years, and you're handing out bonus checks to all your terrific, hard-working employees.

Well, MOST of your employees are hard-working.

There are other employees who arrive to work late, and leave early. Sometimes they don't even show up. They're also the employees who start the arguments at the water cooler when they should be working.

They are the employees who constantly yap about what a hateful, racist Nazi President Trump is. There's a spiteful few who even say they're gonna tear up their Trump bonus check and throw it in the fireplace.

Why hand out bonuses these leftist ingrates may not even accept? Instead, why not give these special employees a gift they will appreciate?

Enroll your special snowflakes in THE JELLY OF THE MONTH CLUB. It's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year!

The Airing Of Grievances

Festivus happened this week, and part of this secular holiday is dedicated to the airing of grievances. I've got a lot of problems with you people....and now you're gonna hear about it. Here are a few of mine:

Grievance number one: The rise of inyourfacism in professional football. Have you ever noticed the players celebrate after EVERY PLAY now, complete with an array of taunts and obnoxious gestures? Aside from the terrible officiating, my least favorite thing about professional football is when the wide receiver signals that he's made the first down.

Don't get me started with end zone celebrations. Enough with all the idiotic showboating. Act like you've been there before.

Grievance number two: Some of you guys who Sing or rap loudly on the light rail, bus, or sidewalk. Usually, it's you Black guys who do this. Much of it is punctuated with 'f-bombs'. I am tempted to offer you $5 if you'll just stop it.

My term for this activity is 'that idiot is auditioning'. I want to throw my hand up in the air like Simon Cowell and say 'Next!' Much of the time you guys sound as if you're severely brain-damaged.

Grievance number three: Some leftist jerks on Twitter basing your obnoxious snark on liberal lies or talking points.

Example: The Democrats smear candidate Roy Moore with allegations of sexual improprieties. He loses the election, and contests the results. Then, leftist twits on Twitter say 'Oh, that Moore just doesn't take 'no' for an answer. Har de har har....'

Grievance number four: Minneapolis brings in so many immigrants from third world countries that it looks like a third world city. The city has lost about a quarter of it's population since 1960, yet boasts the largest Somali population outside of Somalia itself.

Almost every week there will be a moment when I am the ONLY non-Somali at Cubfoods, and I'll wonder, 'Did I miss The Rapture?'

Actually, Minneapolis doesn't really look like an impoverished third world country. It looks like ALL the impoverished third world countries combined. This city is so far to the left Colin Kaepernick could be elected mayor.

It's a miserable place, ruined by political correctness, leftist hipsters and outsiders.

That's all for now. As you were.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Unhinged Democrats Express Their Opposition To Tax Reform

As the Republicans in Congress pass the big tax reform bill, unhinged Democrats express their dismay:

Nancy Pelosi said: This tax bill is morally obscene theft that does damage to the vision of our founders.

Bernie Sanders called it a travesty.

Meanwhile, Oregon Senator Ron Wyden said this:

This law will steal from the poor and middle class, and shower Trump's rich friends with trillions of stolen cash. It will blow a hole in the defecit, and pile on trillions of debt on our children's back.

This law will cause millions of poor to starve in the street, and deprive 90,000,000 of their health care. Everyone except for Trump's friends will die.

Wyden continued:

I want to look these Republicans straight in the eye and tell them what a bunch of rotten, no-good, poopy-headed, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, greedy, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking,dog-kissing, inbred, ignorant, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey shit they all are! Hallelujah! Holy shit!! Where's the Tylenol?

It's safe to say he's opposed to this legislation.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Democrat Doug Jones Elected In Alabama

Liberal Democrat Doug Jones defeated controversial Republican Roy Moore in Alabama's special election to replace former Senator Jeff Sessions. Sessions left the Senate to become President Trump's Attorney General.

The Republican candidate was besieged with several 40-year-old allegations of sexual indiscretions a month before the special election. We go to Doug Jones' victory speech in progress:

First of all, I want to thank that ambulance-chasing witch Gloria Allred and those Democrat staffers who did such a great job posing as victims! That forged yearbook almost gave us away, but those holy-roller Trump voters believed in our smears and stayed home! (Audience cheers wildly.)

WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)

More than HALF of our state's Trump's 1.3 million voters stayed home, although many of Moore's ballots were probably thrown out! (Audience cheers wildly.) What a bunch of suckers!!!

That brings me to our team of smear artists! You guys and gals at CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, ect., constantly harped on these phony allegations! YOU FOLKS ARE SHAMELESS!!! (Audience cheers wildly as Jones laughs.)

Y'all HEAR THAT??? They're cheering at CNN headquarters!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)

But we couldn't have won without Black voters!!!! (Audience cheers) Even in deep-red Alabama, IDENTITY POLITICS RULE!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)

Our team painted Roy Moore as a psychotic, wild-eyed racist! Our people lied their asses off, suggesting that Moore loved slavery! (Audience cheers, then 'boo' Moore.)

I also humbly thank all our friends in Mississippi and South Carolina who bussed angry Blacks from those states to the voting booths. (Audience cheers wildly.) I also thank all the FELONS! WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!!! (Audience cheers wildly).

Last of all, I want to thank Roy Moore for being SUCH A TERRIBLE CANDIDATE!! (Audience laughs.)

Roy thought that his imaginary friend in the clouds would deliver victory tonight!(Audience laughs.) It looks like Yahweh isn't the best campaign director!!! (Audience laughs.)

Yahweh told Roy to hide from the voters!!! (Audience howls with laughter.)

Thank you! May Moloch bless this great state!!!!(Audience cheers wildly.)

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Nancy Pelosi: Tax Reform Is 'Armageddon'

As the Republicans in Congress move tax reform through, the Democrat chicken littles cry 'The sky is falling!'

Here to express her dismay is Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi:

Thank you, RedSquirrel,

My dear Americans, this is Armageddon! It's the end of the world! Many, many, many Americans are going to die because congressional Republicans want to return some money back into the hands of the greedy rich!

Children and adults on welfare will be hardest hit. Undocumented immigrants will be robbed, and super-rich corporatists will have their hands in the pockets of the working poor!

Teachers won't be allowed to write off school supplies, and those devilish Republicans insult them with doubling the standard deduction' for all taxpayers. This legislation will cause blood to rain down from the sky!!!

Then, these demonic conservatives will un-do our Lord and Savior Obama's 'Individual Mandate', taking our health care system out of the government's hands. Dear god, I am trembling with fear!!!

There is screams and the gnashing of teeth in my side of the aisle!! How can a non-existent god allow this??!!!

Come to think of it, I believe it says in the bible that the anti-christ had orange hair.



Thursday, November 30, 2017

This Week On 'That's Incredibly Sick!'

This week on 'That's Incredibly Sick!".....

Our hosts Fran Tarkenton, Cathy Lee Crosby, and John Davidson reports on historically-challenged liberal hacks on Twitter

Some sick leftist weirdos are taking the occasion of psycho murderer Charles Manson's death on November 19 to compare him with our terrific President, Donald J. Trump.

Many mentally-challenged liberal tweeps expressed their surprise that Manson wasn't in the President's cabinet.

Charles Manson had NOTHING in common with our terrific President. Manson wanted to ignite a race war, so in that way he's more like former President Barack Hussein Obama.

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

LeVar Ball's UnThanksgiving Prayer

Recently, three members of the UCLA college basketball squad were arrested in China for shoplifting. Our racist president secured their release, and one of the player's fathers, LaVar Ball, unthanked President Trump by taking to social media and insulting him.

We thought it would be nice to let Mr. Ball lead us in a Thanksgiving prayer:

Thanks, Redsquirrel. Oh wait a minute, I take it back. I don't walk around thanking people.

Let's bow our heads and fold our hands, and thank God for what we have. No, let's NOT bow our heads and fold our hands! Let's give that honky in the clouds a great, big 'mean mug'! Let's also not fold our hands, but rather stick our finger in his eye!

Dear Father, I WOULD thank you for all I have, but I really have only MYSELF to thank. You probably expect me to thank you for my family. Well, You didn't marry my wife, I DID!!! I ALSO HAD SEX with my kid's Mother, so I thank myself for my kids.

As for that idiot Donald Trump, I don't thank him for getting my kid out of the Chinese jail. The Chinese let him out, so if I was to thank anybody, I'd thank the great, morally superior people who run China....but I'm not necessarily thanking them.

You probably expect me to thank our heavenly father for our wonderful fighting men and women who defend our freedoms. Think again! If the Ruskies or ISIS invaded this country, I'd fight them off on Twitter!

As for this turkey and stuffing we're about to enjoy, I can only say 'Over the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!' Amen!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 9

A Conservative Republican candidate running in a special election for the U.S. Senate has a big lead in the polls.

Suddenly, several women appear just weeks before the election and accuse him of committing sexual indiscretions against them 30-40 years ago. His own party demands that he drop out of the race.

Would this be happening if he was behind in the polls? Of course not.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Pajama Boy Comments On Election Night 2017

Here to give his thoughts on Election Night 2017 is correspondent Pajama Boy:

Hooray!!!! Here I am in Mom's basement, enjoying my hot cocoa with both hands. The results are in and DEMOCRATS win the governorships in deep red states New Jersey AND Virginia!!!

Also, my Marxist man crush Bill DeBlasio wins re-election in the hotly-contested New York City Mayors race!!! TAKE THAT, EVIL REPUBLICANS!!!!

In Minneapolis, TWO transgendered candidates have been elected to the city council!!! Perhaps candidates across the country will go and get sex-change operations to increase their chances of scoring election victory. I'm so excited I think I just wet my onesy!!!

You may wonder why it took a week for me to file this report. Last Tuesday, I was re-living the horror I experienced a year ago, as that monster Donald Trump was breaking Hillary Clinton's blue wall. Watching Election Night 2016 on YouTube, I sobbed, and my tears shorted out my computer.

I believed after Trump won, there would no more elections, and that he would round us all up and send us to concentration camps. I've spent the last year hiding in this pillow fort.

I was surprised to learn that there would be elections in 2017 after all. So, tonight I am watching the nail-biters in New Jersey and Virginia on my new computer. It's wonderful to see the voters reject the Trump agenda! Hopefully, these new governors and Mayor DeBlasio will impeach that creep in the White House.

Last Wednesday, me and three of my friends ventured out of our pillow forts, and walked down to our local library. We looked up at the sky, and screamed at God for allowing Trump to become president. It made us feel a little better.

It's getting a little nippy outside. I think I'll put on my pink pussy hat and take a nice walk. It's good to know that Trump hasn't suspended The Constitution yet.


Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I Think Reagan Said It

Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July, Democrats believe every day is April 15th (Tax Day).....

....while Frederica Wilson believes every day is Halloween.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Happy Halloween From The Deep State

Hello, it's the neighborhood bully, Barack Hussein Obama.

For the first time in 8 years, I'm not hosting the White House Halloween party. I am at the Deep State Mansion two blocks away, taking a break from my on-going leftist  revolution against President Trump and the American people.

I am hiring Communist agitators.....I mean, community organizers, who are training masked AntiFa soldiers all across America. These jobless thugs are doing God's work, putting terror in the hearts of Normal-American fascists.

Halloween is usually fun and scary for The Normals out there on the fruited plain, but watch out for some REAL fun on November 4!

Here's a Halloween tip: Terrify the neighborhood by going as Florida Congresswoman Frederica Wilson! I think it was former President Reagan who famously said:

'For Republicans, every day is the 4th of July. For Democrats, every day is April 15, and for Frederica, EVERY day is Halloween!'

As for our daughter Sasha, she's going as California Representative Maxine Waters. It's cute and a little scary. My wife Michelle doesn't need a mask. She just walks around with that perpetual scowl on her face. Ewww!!!

Malia is off at college. I understand she'll be participating in a commie zombie pub crawl.

Speaking of zombies, I hope that Special Persecutor Robert Mueller will be burning the entire Trump campaign at the stake. What a witch hunt!

Right now, our party is in full swing! Uranium One execs are bobbing for bribes with Hillary Clinton. I hope her Mao jacket doesn't get wet.

Oh look! George Soros has arrived as The Evil Emperor Palpatine! Come to think of it, they could be identical twins. Harvey Weinstein and Bill Clinton are here. Hide the women! Creepy!

There's a van parked out by the front gate, where we have the Podesta Brothers 'handing treats' to little trick or treaters.

OH NO! That orange monster Donald Trump and his Secret Service detail are egging our mansion! Release the hounds!!

He hit our crying Hillary supporter lawn decorations. Call CNN!!! This is grounds for impeachment!!!


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Questions For Minneapolis Mayoral Candidates

1. If  the city ever got rid of the police, who would be there to enforce the city's styrofoam food container ban?

2. It's Thanksgiving Day, and you've had a tough, long day at your job waiting on tables. Your boss rewards you by giving you a turkey dinner in a styrofoam food container. On the way home, a thug who was lurking near the light rail station assaults you, takes your dinner, and robs you of your tips. Who should go to jail?

3. If you're elected mayor, will you have people from Black Lives Matter and/or Antifa in your administration?

4. If you're elected mayor, will Minneapolis remain a sanctuary city, or will the city begin to obey federal law?

5. Candidates always use the term 'public safety'. We don't use the term 'fighting crime.' Is the term 'fighting crime' racist?

6. Should Minneapolis bring back the anti-lurking law?

7. How do you plan to turn Minneapolis into an even bigger third-world dump than it already is?

8. Minneapolis has lost a quarter of it's population since 1960, and yet brought in 40,000 Somalis in a very short period of time. Have you ever heard the expression demography is destiny?

9. How do you plan to increase city spending and raise property taxes, yet at the same time make housing more affordable?

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Dear Twitter

Dear Twitter,

There is this Trump Isn't Hitler thing trending on Twitter right now, where mental midgets are actually suggesting that our President is somehow WORSE than Hitler.

If you're one of these sick-minded jerkholes, I say this to you:

What you just tweeted is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever read. At no point in your moronic tweet were you even close to a factual, rational thought.

Everyone on Twitter is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul....

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Dumb NFL Jocks Pawns In Leftist Game Of 'Let's Destroy Professional Football'

Last season, quarterback Colin Kaepernick caused an uproar when he refused to stand for the National Anthem. He said it was in protest against an unjust country that oppresses people of color. He was also seen wearing socks with cartoons of pigs dressed as police.

This season, more highly-paid players are taking a knee against oppression, angering their fans. Many fans see this activity as disrespectful of the America flag and are refusing to buy NFL merchandise or watch games this season.

Here to comment is former player, Otis Mongo:

Thank you, Squirrel.

The players are just pawns in the leftist game of 'let's destroy professional football.' Leftists hate ANY institution patriotic Americans generally enjoy. The anti-America haters in the media and academia have successfully created a rift between the fans and the big, dumb jocks the fans idolize.

Over half of the players are Black. They believe the false narrative that cops are targeting Blacks, and that America is a racist place.

Many players believe there is widespread oppression, so they 'take a knee' or link arms in protest. The fans see this as disrespect of our flag, as well as American soldiers who have paid the ultimate price to protect our freedoms. Many Americans are disgusted, and have tuned out.

The players make millions each season playing the game they love, and 'feel' oppressed. They don't protest Black-on-Black crime in the inners cities, just highly publicized and extremely rare cop shootings.

Now, it looks like everyone involved is at each other's throats. The leftists are doing to the NFL what former President Barack Obama did to America for eight years.

I am asking the fans to not hate the players. The big, dumb jocks are just pawns in the leftist game of 'Let's destroy professional football'.

Thank you.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Democrats Respond To Weinstein Allegations

Bigshot Hollywood producer and Democrat donor Harvey Weinstein has been hit with allegations of sexual harassment and even assault. We would like to know what leaders in the Democrat party think about these explosive charges, so we asked them. This is what they said:

Barack Obama: Let me be clear. Michelle and I are disgusted with Harvey's behavior, yet we are totally UN-digusted with the millions he raised for Democrat candidates.

Hillary Clinton: Pfffft. This is clearly ANOTHER vast right-wing conspiracy.

Former Senator Harry Reid: He helped Democrats win, and that's the important thing.

 Nancy Pelosi: Well, did he get anybody pregnant? I hope they got abortions.


Maxine Waters: You're all racists....

Happy Indigenous People's Day

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Today's Joeism

Here's my 'not particularly' deep thought to end the month:

My solution to end the hunger problem? Everyone should get a job at a restaurant, hotel, or any other place that has a kitchen.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Red Forman: I'm Losing Confidence In Minneapolis

Here to comment on the 2017 Minneapolis mayoral election is our very own Red Forman. Take it away:

Thanks, Red.

Almost three months ago, blond yoga instructor Justine Damond called 911 because she thought she heard an assault take place near her home. Two cops met the pajama-clad woman in the alley, and one of the officers shot her in the stomach and killed her.

The shooter, Mohommad Noor, is the first Somali-born officer in the history of the Minneapolis police department. So far, he hasn't been arrested or charged with murder. This case DID result in the resignation of the lesbian office chief, Janee Harteau, who received a very generous severance payment of $183,000.

She will receive this money as long as she doesn't say anything negative about Mayor Betsy Hodges or other city officials. They refer to this agreement as a 'nondisparagement clause'. I refer to this as a 'don't you spill the beans on our corrupt, inept city government' clause.

I have a blonde daughter. I love her more than just about anything on Earth. If a cop killed my daughter I'd demand answers from the lesbian police chief, then I'd probably stick my foot up the killer's ass. Noor said that the woman in pajamas 'startled him.' Really? I've read about several complaints against the Somali officer previous to this incident.

Maybe he freaked out when he saw a blonde woman not clad in a Muslim hijab. Mayor Betsy Hodges championed his inclusion into the Minneapolis police force. This is probably her 'greatest accomplishment' since her election in 2013, and it led to Justine Damond's violent death.

Betsy puts this Somali creep on the police force, he kills the blonde, then Betsy tells us she's 'lost confidence in Janee Harteau'. I have lost confidence in our mayor.

Minneapolis is electing a mayor in November, and it appears as if the local news stations are saying very little about it. I think it's because they want Mayor Betsy Hodges (who was named the '2nd-worst Mayor in America') quietly re-elected.

I guess it doesn't matter how bad a mayor Hodges is. Her voter base of Muslims and liberal hipsters who 'hate Trump' will probably carry her to victory on November 8th, although there is the former president of The Minneapolis NAACP and leader of Black Lives Matter, Nekima Levi-Pounds, who's challenging the mayor.

Wow, what this city needs is a candidate from Antifa. George Soros could buy the Mayor's office.

There's also a litter of also-rans who talk a lot about 'change'. If a candidate actually wanted real change, he or she would sound more like a conservative. None of the candidates want to fight crime. These communist wienies are too busy pandering to Black voters, Muslims, the gays, and everyday know-nothings who 'hate President Trump'.

Meanwhile, Minneapolis is being turned into a third-world dump. Criminals lurk, and bums sleep under bridges and in light rail shelters. It's hard to afford a decent apartment, and the local government punishes you if you own a small business. Welcome to Betsyville.

Really, Minneapolis is so far to the left Colin Kaepernick could be elected mayor. I don't think a conservative has even a slight chance of getting 5% of the vote, even if half of the residents were directly victimized by the terrible government they keep electing.

I'm losing confidence in Minneapolis. My wife Kitty and I have 2 kids to protect. We're thinking about moving out of here.

Red Forman

Friday, September 15, 2017

Hillary Clinton's New Book 'What Happened' (Page 245)

The RedSquirrel Report shares another passage from Hillary Clinton's hill-arious book 'What Happened':

During that third presidential debate, candidate Trump invaded my space. If you can remember, Rick Lazio also tried to invade my space during our Senatorial debate in 2002.

Republicans are such bullies.

'Back off, you creep. You're invading my space!' I felt Trump peering over my shoulder. I never felt that violated before. Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, and all of  those bimbos who accused my husband of 'getting too close' had nothing on me and the discomfort I was feeling.

I remember the good ole 1990's when I had real power. I remember telling former Clinton Chief of Staff Mack McClarty to send a memo to all staffers that 'nobody was allowed to speak or look directly at me. If a staffer saw me, he or she were to avert their eyes, turn their face towards the wall, and keep walking.'

Those were good times.

However, it would have been difficult to tell your screaming supporters to stop looking at me and avert their eyes. That was a big obsticle. Candidate Trump liked people and he seemed interested in talking to people either as a group or as individuals.

It would have been much easier if they just gave me the presidency. Looking back, I feel bullied or let down by everyone involved. There was a lot of blame to go around.

A few days ago, a voter came to me with her daughter who didn't vote. The woman begged me for forgiveness because she didn't get her daughter to the polls. She had the nerve to ask to be absolved!!! I told her to get lost. She didn't work hard enough to get me elected, and now get ready for 4 years of Hell!....

....and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Get Started On Your Halloween Shopping Early....

....and terrify the neighborhood with your very own Maxine Waters mask! When you go trick-or-treating, open up that BIG bag and yell,' GIMME ALL YOUR CANDY, YOU HONKY RACIST!!!!'

Here, at The RedSquirrel Store!

Charlottesville: A Jackie Mason Commentary

Last month, Unite The Right held a rally in Charlottesville, South Carolina. The Ku Klux Klan, Neo-Nazis, and White Nationalists invited themselves, along with Black Lives Matters AND AntiFa Blackmasks. Violence ensued, resulting in the death of a young woman who was killed when one of these dummkopfs drove into the crowd.

Here to comment on this is our very own Jackie Mason. Take it away, Mr. Mason:

Thank you, Red Mensch....

Yes, I saw it on TV. I watched with disgust as this group of haters fought with that group of haters, as busloads of even more haters arrived on the scene. It was like a big, kettle of brouhaha hatred stew. The only ones who had a permit were Unite The Right, but then you had the Ku Klux Schmucks and the White Nationalist schlubs marching around. Then, before you knew it, you had the cop-hating Black Lives putzes and violent masked AntiFa punks.

From what I've seen and heard, BLM, Antifa, and the KKK all came together on buses. It looked like the schmendricks at CNN had arranged this riot for ratings or something.

I read that Charlottesville mayor Michael Signer and Virginia Governor Terry Mcauliffe sent in the buses to ignite a race war. What a couple of  Democrat Momzers. They should get a kick in the tukhus and a long prison sentence.

Following the riot, all of President Trump's enemies demanded that he condemn the White Nationalists, which he did for days and days. They didn't tell him to condemn BLM or Antifa even though the rally was peaceful before they showed up. Now, they call President Trump a White Supremacist, but most Americans I know think he's a mensch. Keep up the good work, Mr. President.

Trump's enemies have a lot a chutzpah, constantly kvetching about 'right-wing' hate groups. The real haters are those violent nutbags BLM and Antifa, and the hateful creep George Soros who funds them.

A couple weeks after the riot, I learned that Jason Kessler, who arranged this 'rally', was an Obama supporter. So, you have a Democrat hater funding some of these groups, a Democrat hater arranging the rally, joined by even more hateful Democrats, with busloads of EVEN MORE HATEFUL DEMOCRATS....

....and you schmucks are going to lay this at President Trump's feet? God help us.

That's all for now. Sheynem Dank.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

The First Lady Announces Change To School Lunch Policy

In a move that will please kids and parents alike, First Lady Melania Trump will be announcing a change to school lunch policy.

Soon, the old Michelle Obama-era healthy lunches consisting of uncooked broccoli, rice cakes, rabbit food, and mystery foodpaste patties will be replaced by Sloppy Joes, meat and potatoes, soups and sandwiches, and nachos.

Wave goodbye to starvation school lunches, kids. Soon, you will eat like normal people again.

Replacing History

It appears as if leftists are doing all they can to erase history. Lately it's been statues of Confederate generals.

You would think these statues are going to be replaced with something. Don't be surprised if you see these statues and memorials take their place.........

10. The Statue of The Welfare Recipient

  9. The Statue of The Put-Upon Muslim Migrant

  8. The Statue of The Undocumented Immigrant

  7. The Statue of The Undocumented Dreamer and His Extended Family (This will be 50 statues and it will block traffic.)

  6. The Black Lives Matter Memorial (This will also block traffic.)

  5. The Statue of The Antifa 'Protestor'

  4. The Statue of Michael Brown 'The Gentle Giant'

  3. The Kneeling Statue of Colin Kaepernick

  2. The Statue of Barack Obama, George Soros, and Mohammad

  1. The Statue of Hillary Clinton

My Top Ten Demands Of Black Lives Matter

Recently, Black Lives Matter made a list of ten demands on White people. Your bushy-tailed correspondent thinks it is a good idea to return the favor. Here are my top ten demands of my fellow Black Americans:

10. Stop asking me if I have a lighter. I didn't know that lighters were that expensive. Buy one.

 9. Stop 'auditioning'. (Black guys walk down the street and/or go on light rail trains, and start rapping or singing. Usually, they sound horrible. Many times I'm tempted to offer them $5 if they'll just shut up.)

 8. Get a belt or pants that fit. Normal people don't want to see your undies hanging out. You look stupid.

 7. Start treating females with respect. I always see Black males lurking around downtown and when they see an attractive female, they use vulgar, lewd language as their way of saying 'hello.' If that's your idea of a charm offensive, it's not charming.....It's just offensive.

 6. Stop asking strangers for money. You shouldn't leave the house without enough money for you to get through the day.

 5. Stop asking me for bus or light rail fare.

 4. Marry your baby mama.

 3. Stop picking fights with the police.

 2. Get yourself off the Democrat plantation. What the Hell have you got to lose?

 1. Get yourself a good education.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Trump Should Make A Deal With Kim Jong-Un

This week, we are witnessing a war of words between President Trump and North Korea's potbellied dictator, Kim Jong-Un. North Korea has been testing their missiles, and threatening to nuke Guam, and Trump is threatening to retaliate.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent thinks this is a great opportunity. Un's eccentric father, Kim Jong-Il, had a history of kidnapping actors, and America has actors who promised to leave America if Trump won.

President Trump should make a deal with the NORK leader. If they don't nuke Guam (or anywhere else), we will send them Matt Damon and Rosie O'Donnell.

We are hearing this week that Un has about 60 miniature nuclear warheads that can fit inside their ballistic missiles.  Perhaps Trump can reduce that number by sending Meryl Streep,  director Michael Moore, or Communist Sean Penn to North Korea.

We can hold these actors to their promise to leave America, and President Trump can literally save the civilized world if he makes this deal. On top of that, the North Korean dictator can begin his very own collection of Hollywood actors. Everyone wins.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Hillary Clinton's New Book 'What Happened' (Page 345)

Looking back, I realized that the American people let themselves down. The racists and misogynists took the right-wing extremist kooks to the voting booths en masse, while the majority of Americans were simply too fat and happy with the job I did as Secretary of State, and didn't bother to vote.

The Obama coalition of undocumented immigrants, millennials, and unmarried women failed to carry me over the finish line. Oh, and the Republicans engaged in massive voter suppression.

On the other hand, I learned that my team could have done a better job. The next time I run for President, I will make sure we don't ignore those flyover states. We really thought that I had Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania in the bag.

Also, I was shocked to learn just how horribly biased and right-wing the news media could be. They caught and reported my every little misstep, and were instrumental in dooming my candidacy.

Then, there was F.B.I. Director James Comey. Just before Election Day, he aired all my dirty laundry for the entire country to see. I believed that when my husband met with Attorney General Loretta Lynch on that airplane that I was in the clear.

Finally, the Russians interfered with the election. They wanted a weak America, so they threw their support behind Donald Trump. I gave them 20% of our uranium, and they betrayed me because I'm a woman. Both Russia and America are very misogynistic places.

I'm just glad that I had friends who donated to my candidacy in Saudi Arabia and Yemen. Those societies know how to treat women like me.

Ultimately, America wasn't ready for a woman as President.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

'I See Racists:' A Commentary By Representative Maxine Waters

RSR welcomes a wide variety of views. Today we welcome California Representative and possible 2020 Democrat Presidential candidate Maxine Waters. There's a lot on her mind. She sees racists everywhere. Take it away, Maxine:

Thank you, you racist rodent.

I am SHOCKED that many Americans are opposed to Sharia Law. It doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to see that people who oppose Sharia Law are RACIST!

If you oppose Female Genital Mutilation, you're a RACIST!

If you oppose 'honor killing', you do so because you're a RACIST!

If you oppose Muslims who freely exercise their religious beliefs to throw homosexuals off of buildings, you're a RACIST!

If you oppose Sharia, but support The U.S. Constitution you are a RACIST!

If you support the police, you're a RACIST!

If you don't want the government to run all the businesses in America, you're a RACIST!

If you wave an American flag, you are a RACIST to engage in such outrageous behavior!

If you oppose race riots, you're a RACIST!

Now, on to my next point. I appeared on that horrible racist Tucker Carlson's show on the always racist FOXNews. He had the nerve to ask me how I can be a multi-millionaire on a public servant's salary. Of course, I called him a RACIST!

If you see RACISTS, call the Congressional Switchboard at (202)224-3121

Thank you.

Representative-for-life Maxine Waters

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Kid Rock 4 Senate Campaign Song

Well, I'm runnin' for the Senate an' I cannot lose
beating down commie libs and all that fake news
Find a nest in DC, chill like Trump
Dems turnin' America into a third-world dump
I'm Kid Rock, I'll cut your income tax
Hard-workin' Americans, I got yer back
I'm telling you now my opponent is toast
She looks like she saw a ghost
I love The Stars n' Stripes, I love our nation
Vote for me, I'll cut over-regulation
When I hit DC, I'll work for you
Fighting for normal Americans just like Kung Fu
Running for Senate to serve all you regular Joe's
not special interests for big-government hoes
Bob Ritchie that is my name
I'm heading to DC.....I want to be your....

Senator, baby
It's morning in America, Reagan's my hero
Senator, baby
Sendin' a message to the establishment Neros
Running for the U.S. Senate, baby
Serving the American people, that's what I'll do
Senator, baby I'll fight against the pork barrel fools

You'll hear Bawitdaba when I roll in
I'll have a red tie and an American flag pin
Clean shaved, hair trimmed, I will look the part
Kid Rock is a red-blooded patriot at heart
I 'll reach across the aisle if the time is right
But if not, The American Bad-Ass will put up a fight
I'll cut the government waste and all the fraud
You can take it to the bank, I am The Bullgod

CNN will be traumatized on Election Night
and Rachel Maddow will be turning ghostly White
At my Election Night party we'll be raising a glass
increasing our majority, we'll be kicking their ass
No kidding, We'll be winning, with our foot in the door
You're my boss, I'll remember what you sent me there for
I'll join the Freedom Caucus, CNN calls it 'The Far Right'
I don't care what they say, They can go fly a kite
Cause Freedom, We're gonna beat 'em
DC players....We're gonna defeat'em
I'll be working for the makers, not for the takers
Raising Hell with the sanctuary city mayors
C'mon baby, Vote for me, I'll Rock the capitol with Cruz n' Lee
I ain't no D, I'm no tax n' spender
I see Lady Liberty getting hurt, an' I just wanna defend 'her
Serve like McEnroe, inside the line for an ace
Getting my message out to that conservative base
I'll fight against the deep state obamanation, then
on Sunday I'll appear on 'Face The Nation'

Suit n' tie, and I'm clean shaved
Making sure your freeways are paved
Reading 2,000 page legislation with my staff
Portrait in my office of Robert Taft
Me an' Trump will be Making America Great Again
Me an' Trump will be Making America Great Again
DC belongs to you an' me

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Articles Of Impeachment

California Representative Brad Sherman has issued Articles of Impeachment against President Trump. Your bushy-tailed reporter is surprised that Democrats have taken this long to do so.

I thought they would try to impeach him before he took office in January.

Here are The Articles of Impeachment:

Article One: Assaulting The CNN Logo,

Article Two: Insulting Mika Brzezinski,

Article Three: Improper tweeting unbecoming a U.S. President,

Article Four: violating the mainstream media's First Amendment right to publish fake news by calling it fake news,

Article Five: Obstructing the election of Hillary Clinton,

Article Six: Firing James Comey, and calling Special Counsel Mueller's investigation a witch hunt,

Article Seven: Un-doing the agenda of Our Saviour and President-For-Life, Barack Hussein Obama,

Article Eight: Obstructing the globalist agenda,

Article Nine: Upsetting our corruption applecart.

Friday, July 7, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 8

The Republicans in Congress were passing resolutions every other week to repeal Obamacare while there was a Democrat in the White House to veto it.

Now, with a Republican in the White House they can't seem to repeal this crappy law.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

I Was Away For A Few Days

I was away for a few days, and didn't watch the news. Perhaps my readers can help me get caught up on the news I missed as I was enjoying the 4th of July fireworks in Duluth.

What's CNN lying about THIS WEEK? What fake news anti-Trump innuendo are they working on now?

Did Nancy Pelosi, Sheila Jackson Lee, or Maxine Waters say anything mind-blowingly stupid while I was gone?

Did the Democrats in St. Paul or the weirdos running Minneapolis make criticizing Somalis a crime? I could be going to jail.

How are the Republicans going to kill us all this week? Every time I turn on the news, the Democrat Chicken Littles in Congress are warning Anericans that the GOP are trying to kill us all.

Gosh, July is hot. Is the world ending???

Is The Resistance getting any closer to impeaching President Trump and throwing his family out of The White House?

C'mon folks, clue me in.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 7

President Trump's Attorney General Jeff Sessions has to recuse himself, but Clinton fixer David Comey doesn't.

Then, Special Counsel Robert Mueller fills his staff with Hillary Clinton donors to investigate completely phony charges against The President.

Friday, June 16, 2017

....And Now, A Public Service Announcement....

This is Kathy. She is a self-described comedienne.

Kathy thought it would be funny to take a picture of herself holding a bloody mock-up of President Donald Trump's severed head.

Please get psychiatric help if  you think this is funny....

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

MN Gov. Mark Dayton 'My Way 2017'

And now, The end is near
but we'll have another special session
Tell the Republicans that I am king
They don't know with whom they're messin'

I want more for public transit and pre-k
and none for the highways

Tell Kurt Daudt and the Grand Old Losers
That I will have it My Way

I signed the budget, but I've changed my mind
I am mentally unstable
I'll accuse the Republicans, of being mean to kids
I want to bring the budget back to the table

I want to veto the Legislature's budget
and let me mumble, and not in a shy-way

I'm warning my opponents to get out of MY WAY

Oh, I'll finish my second term if I am able
The Governor's Office is a giant Tower of Babel
I'll do this alone without Kurt Daudt
I took the budget, then I spat it out
The record shows, that my administration blows
I'm demanding they let me have MY WAY

I fell down on my job, slurred my speech
at the State of The State
We must fight climate change
We must do it now! before it's too late

We welcome our Somali neighbors
If you don't, just hit the highway

You might as well move to Wisconsin
I'll have it MY WAY

Oh, I'll raise taxes, and raise a fuss
and spend and spend the state's surplus
unionize your kid's lemonade stand
If you have a pocket, I'll stick my hand

The record shows, spending grows and grows
I'll have it MY WAY

The record show, spending grows and grows
I'll have it MY WAY

My Unnamed Source

It seems whenever Trump-hating news channel CNN has a late-breaking accusation against the president or someone in the administration, they begin a report with our unnamed source tells us.......

The unnamed source, is also known as an anonymous source. We don't know if he or she actually exists.

Your bushy-tailed blogger has his own unnamed source. Here are the top ten news stories we've obtained from my unnamed source:

10. California Representative Nancy Pelosi has an unclean spirit living inside her.
 9.  At least 135 Democrats in Congress have made a fortune accepting bribes.
 8.  Hillary Clinton's campaign director John Podesta was caught with a live boy in his bed in 2016.
  7. Former president Bill Clinton was caught with a dead girl in his bed in January.
  6. American dictator Barack Obama used the phase fundamental transformation of America because turning America into an impoverished third-world craphole didn't sound good.
  5. Obama sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers because the resulting carnage would convince the American people to surrender their Second Amendment rights.
  4. Before she was elected to Congress, Maxine Waters escaped from an insane asylum.
  3. Hillary Clinton running mate Tim Kaine was caught shoplifting in May.
  2. The Hillary Clinton campaign accepted money from every foreign dictator on Earth.
  1. Senator Charles Schumer is a serial groper.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Tonight On Fake News Theatre....

Places, EVERYONE!!!!

Watch as CNN stages another anti-Trump, pro-Islam protest....

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges: My Favorite Things

On May 23, Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges delivered the 2017 State Of The City Address from the Masjid an-Nur mosque.

Here is a short summary, sung by Julie Andrews:

Our city has been transformed by leftists and Somalis
Welfare for foreigners from Mexico and Mali
All of those Muslims that Lutheran Charities bring
These are a few of my favorite things

Sanctuary cities and genital mutilation
Thugs and pan-handlers at light rail stations
Liberal voters make my heart sing
These are a few of my favorite things

But we must resist Trump
He is a fascist meanie
He makes me mad
but I'm turning this city into a third world dungheep
I'll win in November, and that ain't too bad

Banning plastic bags I'm a mad hatter
Hijabs and gang signs and Black Lives That Matter
I just love the power to pull all these strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Turning our city into a Muslim ghetto
Soon our fair city will look like Soweto
Property taxes that will make your head sting
These are a few of my favorite things

But we must resist Trump
He is a meanie
He makes me mad
But all my PC voters are watching CNN
I'll crush all opposition... and I'm glad


This Is The Shadow Government

We celebrated on Election Night
seeing the electoral map turn red
We thought The eight-year crime spree was over
when we turned off our TV and went to bed
We were hoping the child-king would just go away
leading from behind, we were lead astray
Eight years of leftist decay
Like a Phoenix we were ready to fly

Now, it looked like the new guy would drain the swamp
and make America great again
We would be rid of that individual mandate
and pantsuit lady would be sent to the state pen

but it looks like he won't go away
ruining America he's got so many ways
when he's on the TV we take offence
Just say 'hello'
Just say 'hello' This Is the shadow government

Now we're fighting the establishment
But Soros and his thugs are threatening
Our enemies are beating free speech down
for the big-eared creep, the PETULANT child-king
Hashtag warriors often fail
with this 8-year fairy tale
Attorney General cleaning up all details
' Cause Creepy had to lie

The voters told this gang where they can go
There's a message we would like to send
We told them we've had enough of all this crap
The corruption had to end

Now we got deep-state all around
They're in every city and town
Don't defend Trump or Pence
This is the return
This is the return of the petulance

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 6

The fake news media chases this phony Trump/Russia non-story, yet 'media watchdogs' Media Matters are trying to have Sean Hannity thrown off the air because he's getting the truth out on the murder of Seth Rich.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

This Story Has Nothing To Do With Bill O'Reilly

Pre-production on Weird Science 2 is well under way. In this wacky reboot of the 1985 teen sci-fi comedy, 2 nerds create the perfect woman on their computer.

The stunningly beautiful woman, named Gretchen, gets her own show on FOXNEWS.

The nerdy, pimply-faced teens decide that just one perfect woman isn't enough, and they create more.  The computer-generated hotties all get jobs at FOXNEWS, and get hit on by co-workers. Chet O'Malley, the host of America's top-rated show, is sued for sexual harassment, and he's forced out.

Gretchen is able to transform and re-arrange matter by snapping her fingers. When Chet tries to ask her out one last time, she turns him into a giant, steaming pile of crap.

Can our nerdy heroes stop the chaos they created, or will FOXNEWS fall to last place in the TV ratings? Stay tuned!

The movie executives involved with this project are hoping for a theatrical release in the Summer of 2018.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

That's Incredibly Sick!

Here at RSR, we will be introducing a brand new feature we call That's Incredibly Sick!, with correspondents Fran Tarkenton, John Davidson, and Cathy Lee Crosby.

This week on That's Incredibly Sick!, our correspondents take a journey to the Muslim ghetto of Minnesota, where their state senate has shelved legislation dealing with the cruel, barbaric practice of female genital mutilation.

Stay tuned!

Sunday, May 7, 2017

This Is Bullshit, Part 5

The Clinton News Network accuses the Russians with interfering in our presidential election to help elect Donald Trump, while barack obama interferes with the Israeli election, the French election, and uses the Internal Revenue Service to harass conservatives during the 2012 presidential election.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Trump's First 100 Days (It's Been Great So Far)

Everyone is talking about President Trump's first 100 days in office. Here to give his report is the President himself, accompanied by Joe Walsh on guitar:

I 've been in office for 100 days
CNN calls me a failure, I am unfazed

I promised you that I would build the wall
We'll have the Mexicans pay for it all

'Just tryin' to drain the swamp and I'm having a tough time
The press tries to destroy me, I'm not taking a dime
but it's been great so far

Late night comics say my fingers are short
but we got Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court

The networks hate me all they do is attack
while my party stabs me right in the back

I fly to rallies, my supporters can't wait
then troll leftist jerks on Twitter, making America great

I'm in the Oval Office, executive orders that make sense
while the creeps in the media make fun of VP Mike Pence

Fulfilling my agenda is all that I do
I don't care what they say on (fake news)
My critics say that I haven't a clue
It's been going great for me so far

I fight the GOP, a lot of them are whores
I won the election, the media's still sore

Being The Prez is harder than I thought it would be
CNN still thinks Putin rigged the election for me

We're still trying to repeal that disaster Obamacare
The premiums are a real nightmare
and replace it with something a little more fair
The first 100 days have been great so far

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Pajama Boy's Message To The Resistance

While AntiFa activists stamp out free speech in Berkeley, we at The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to all sides. Here with his commentary is a leader in the anti-Trump 'resistance':

Why, Thank you, RedSquirrel,

I am here in my pillow my Mom's basement. I am waiting for orders from 'Uncle George', and enjoying a hot cocoa that I am holding with both hands. Trolling those deplorable Trumpsters has giving me acute carpel tunnel syndrome, but I'm resting comfortably.

Good news! The resistance has beaten back that blonde monster Ann Coulter. She thought she could invade our stronghold, but just like the French taking back their country from the NAZI's, we defended The University of California-Berkeley.

I am so proud of you that I tried on my black mask and looked at myself in the mirror, and have to say that I looked quite bad-assed!!

A few months back, the resistance defended us from the likes of Milo Whatshisface and Charles Murray.  Our people taught those pro-Trump meanies not to mess with us!!

But this is not the time to rest! Do not....I repeat....DO NOT PUT AWAY YOUR PUSSY HATS AND 'SHE PERSISTED' T-SHIRTS!! There is still much to protest. We cannot stop until that orange fascist Trump has been forced out of office and our QUEEN Hillary immaculated.

Over and out,