Thursday, April 28, 2011

Loon Of The Week

It's that time of the week, when my wacky friend The Loon from Minneapolis' Longfellow neighborhood bestows his weekly Loon Of The Week Award to a lefty loonatic. So I'll waste no more time, and yield the floor to my associate.
"LOOLOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOOOO!!!! Thanks, Squirly. This week, the Loon Of The Week Award goes to the host of CBS' Face The Nation, Bob Scheiffer. This week, Mr. Scheiffer really put the right-wingers on notice! He and Katie (Golden Parachute) Couric were in a hot discussion, following President/Messiah Barack Obama's grand presentation of his certificate of live birth. The two Tiffany Network superstars discussed what could happen next. Could the dastardly Repooblicans be demanding The Messiah's college records!? LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOO!!!!
Bob Scheiffer suggested that would be RASCIST!!! LOOOLOOLOOOLOOLOOLOO!!!!
A warning to all of you right-wingers. Don't ever criticize The Messiah! Don't ever question him! Don't oppose him in any way! In fact, don't even run against him! If you declare your candidacy, we'll slap a scarlet letter R on your forehead!

Thanks again.  Looney, you do such a great job. Give yourself an award while you're at it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Just Hear Me Out

Muslim on Christian riots broke out in Nigeria last week, following the election of Christian President Goodluck Jonathan. 60 churches were burned and thousands of Christian homes were destroyed, according to Christian persecution watchdog group Open Doors.

 I read stories like this, and am sure glad that we don't burn houses down following elections. Americans  burn stuff down after winning NBA Championships.

Perhaps the Muslims in Nigeria could just hire Al Franken-lawyer Mark Elias, and just steal the elections if and when they don't like the results.

....And Also Hitting Your Bookstore Shelves.... a new book by author Bill Kramer, detailing the formation of the seminal 60's supergroup, The Jimi Hendrix Experience. On page 134, bassist Noel Redding recounted his acceptance into the trio.
"I walked into the room. There were five other blokes, sitting on couches. They were all filling out job applications.. The human resources lady handed me an application. After I filled out my vital information, I came to a section 'Are You Experienced?' I landed the job, and wrote a classic tune, inspired by the application form."

The Dog Ate It

Today, President Obama finally showed us the birth certificate. Meanwhile, Dr. Jerome Corsi will go ahead with the release of  his latest book, "Where's The Birth Certificate?" Once again, Your intrepid RedSquirrel reporter delivers some startling revelations, detailed in Mr. Corsi's new tome. Among the startling new facts:

1. Hawaii was never officially made a U.S. state.
2. Barack Obama was never born, but was built in a laboratory. In Kenya.
3. The future president celebrated his conversion to Christianity by changing his name to Muhammad Kareem El-Obama, then to Barack Obama.
4. Where's the real birth certificate? The dog ate it.
5. The dog in question ran into World Trade Center Building One with a suicide vest on, on the morning of September 11, 2001, and blew itself up. The dog was trained by Dick Cheney.
6. The dead dog was made into a hairpiece.
7. Insert Donald Trump hair joke here.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Thanks, Harold.

Harold, the official pollster of The RedSquirrel Report, recently formed a focus group of 5 registered Democrats and 5 registered Republicans, and asked them to watch new head of the Democratic National Committee, Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, as she appeared on a recent program on MSNBC. We asked our focus group what their impressions of Ms. Schultz were.
Four of the  Democrats had a favorable reaction, except for one 30-something male, who disagreed with her rhetoric on the issue of gun control. All five Republican registered a negative reaction. A 40-something male and a 50-something female expressed a desire to stick Ms. Wasserman-Schultz's head in a mop bucket.

You Too Can Talk Like Obama

You may have heard the news media, or your Obamabot friends and relatives, comment on his oratorical skills. The truth is, you too can learn to speak like Obama. Here is a primer:

  1. First of all, stick your nose in the air
  2. Take a teleprompter. Everywhere.
  3. Blame George Dubya for everything. Start every statement with "I inherited this problem from the previous administration"....
  4. Carry a microphone around (with Godlike reverb).
  5. Lie
  6. Belittle
  7. Browbeat
  8. Demonize
  9. Use kids or the clueless as background.
 10.Smear, libel, demonize, accuse, and bully.

An Open Letter To Donald Trump

Mr. Trump,

My name is J.RedSquirrel. I am a blogger, based out of Minneapolis, Minnesota, and I have an idea.  I enjoy "The Apprentice", and understand that you are considering a run for the United States presidency. Why not give next season's hunt for an apprentice a new twist-and use the season to pick your Vice-Presidential running mate?
Possible running mates include last season's  "Apprentice", Poison's Bret Michaels, Kiss bassist Gene Simmons, Sarah Palin, talk radio's Michael Savage, ect.
It would be ratings gold.

Your pal,
J. RedSquirrel.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Loon Of The Week

With some of the loony rhetoric coming out of the left side of the aisle, there are just way too many lefty nuts for a red squirrel to gather. I'm glad that my wacky associate, Longfellow Loon, is here to bestow his weekly Loon Of The Week award. Loonie, the floor is yours. 

"LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOO! Thank you, Squirley. This week's LOOOOOON Of The Week award goes out to Congressional Rep, Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-D.C.), who equated a possible shut-down of the Federal government with bombing innocent civilians. Then, she finished her speech with a rousing 'GO STRAIGHT TO HELL! Wow! Now that's Dem civility! There were others who suggested that the nasty Repooblicans will throw grandma into the street, kill children, and cause global warming on Saturn with a government shut-down, But Mzzzz. Holmes Norton actually wished eternal damnation to those eeee-vil Republicans. So, my LOOOOON of the week award goes to Eleanor Holmes Norton. Thank you. LOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOO!"

Thank you, Loonie. You did a Loon-tastic job.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Page 6,537

Page 6.537-
During the presidential election of 2008, Soros deployed his army of shape-shifting demons to win the presidency for the marxist community organizer, Barack Hussein Obama. His army fanned out throughout the country, each demon voting in multiple precincts, mostly in swing districts. As the newsmedia breathlessly announced later that evening Obama will be the next president , Soros and his generals showered each other in celebration, much like a major league baseball team showers each other with champaign in the locker room after winning a pennant. As Obama proudly proclaimed his victory in Grant Park, before thousands of glazey-eyed followers, Soros stopped for a moment, and felt a slight pang of envy. As he would later recount in his creepy Hungarian accent:

"There he was, that little pipsqueak, soaking in the idolatry of thousands of brain-washed dupes. It should've been me .As the Antichrist, I should be the one that comes out of nowhere, then have millions upon millions of Americans follow mindlessly. Still, along with my false prophet, Chris Matthews, my victory against all things good will come,  then at that time, I will spit molten lava into the face of God himself! "