Sunday, June 29, 2014

What's Going On With The Presbyterians?

Is it true that The Presbyterians are divesting from Israel?

When I was a kid in the 70's and early 80's, I attended Sunday School and church services at Lawron Chapel  in Itasca County. Before Sunday School began at 9:30 a.m., the kids played football, then church organist Grace Stevens would call us in.

Fun fact: 1985 Mr. High School Football Minnesota Mikey Petrich played with us. It was usually my job to cover him. He was too speedy for me to keep up, so I played pretty dirty sometimes. Other times, I played about 20 yards off the line like Paul Krause.

Every Christmas, we held a church play or some kind of program. Wednesday was pot luck night. We had choir practice afterwards.

In mid-June, we had Bible School. Before AND after classes, Reverend James Elvig played softball with us kids.

I don't recall anything overtly political. I do remember someone circulating some sort of flyer against TV smut. Somebody had a problem with the ABC sit-com 'SOAP', starring Katherine Helmond. She went on to play the horny red-headed Mona on 'Who's The Boss?'

I do remember getting into those Jack Chick Christian tracts that I would find in the church. I remember one titled 'Support Your Local Jew.'

So, The Presbyterians are divesting from Israel. They should be reminded that Yahweh made a promise to Abraham in Genesis 12:3:

I will bless those who bless you, and curse those who curses you.

Maybe I'll send them a Chick tract.

Dear Mr. President.....Stop Yer Bitching!!!

Our Kenyan Tyrant made a recent speech before a 'Working Families' Summit. We welcome one of our junior correspondents, who files this report:

We are almost SIX years into this douchebag's presidency, and he's STILL bitching about unequal pay for women. By the way, he doesn't pay the women in The White House as much as the males.

So, he made a speech before a 'Working Families' summit, where he bitched about the plight of American women, then bitched about the plight of American children. Then he bitched about Congress not acting on HIS agenda.

His voice cracked like a 12-year-old bully after being caught by the playground monitor shaking down a smaller kid for his lunch money.

'Oh no, I wasn't trying to take his lunch money! You can't prove anything! It's not my fault! It's the previous administration's fault!'

I'm only 8-years-old, and I know what this summit was about. It was held to perpetrate the myth of The Republican's War On Women. I heard that somebody named 'Rebecca from Minneapolis' wrote this doofus a letter. I heard he took Air Force 0ne to Minneapolis.  I'll bet he went and bitched some more.

I know he doesn't give a rat's ass about anybody but himself. He'll make ANOTHER speech, destroy ANOTHER industry, and bitch about everything.

And I thought that Kyle's Mom was a bitch.

Eric Cartman.
South Park Elementary School.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Chief Lying Weasel Speaks With Forked Tongue

Recently, Our Kenyan Dictator visited the Standing Rock Sioux Tribal Nation in Cannon Ball, North Dakota, and made ANOTHER SPEECH.

Our correspondent was there. He sends this report:

 Thank you, Mighty RedSquirrel

 President Lying Weasel brought his long list of grievances against America, telling his audience that America has a long, terrible history of mistreating us, THE FIRST AMERICANS.

Obama said that America turned their black brothers into slaves and the workers of today into virtual slaves, refusing to raise the minimum wage.

Holy bear crap! Does he ever stop bitching? I wonder if he's like this when he's with his wife, Queen Moose Jaw....

He went on to say that America has a long, terrible history of spreading the evil of capitalism and the disease of freedom. The white settlers stole our land and gave everybody smallpox. Then, some paleface bought a football team, and named it The Redskins to add insult to injury.

Actually, I thank The Great Spirit In The Sky for the white settlers because they introduced something else....CASINOS!

My family and friends are swimming in money. We like it when hard-working Americans make lots of money, then visit us here at Running Bear Casino. Everybody should come down. Next week, Yakov Smirnoff is appearing in our Rainbow Room.

Meanwhile, Chief Lying Weasel has killed jobs. He destroyed the coal industry, The Keystone XL Pipeline, and destroyed many more jobs via Obamacare. 

He's not satisfied with just redistributing wealth. Now he's redistributing dangerous diseases like Tuberculosis, Chicken Pox, & Scabies by trafficking under-aged children from Central America.

I guess giving our ancestors smallpox is wrong, but giving a white man TB is a-o.k. We all know that he's sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers.

President Lying Weasel speaks with forked tongue, and much bull crap passes from his lying lips. God help us.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

An RSR Exclusive: Newly Discovered Writings Of Nostradamus

Michel de Nostredame (known to most people as Nostradamus) was a 16th century French philosopher who predicted future wars, the rise of Hitler, and the assassination of two Kennedy brothers. The RedSquirrel Report has recently uncovered more incredible, accurate predictions: 

In the year 2 thousand and 8
The Evil One will arise from Hawaii, or Kenya, or Indonesia
and the idiots will elect him. Twice.

Isis will rise, slicing off heads. The trail of blood will lead to Baghdad.
Boko will take your daughters into slavery. 3 hundred families weeping.
Barak will fire back with a mighty hashtag. Then go golfing. 

Eric the Lawless will sell firearms to the dangerous Aztlan drug dealers
breaking laws at a Fast and Furious pace, destroying lives
The Eagle cries out for justice, while King Barak laughs, then Dear Leader attends another fundraiser.

Barak sleeps soundly, while 4 are killed.
There's a more important matter to attend to. Namely,
another fundraiser in Vegas.

In Nov. 2 Thousand and 8, we will turn Their votes into Our votes
disenfranchising those voters who defend freedom
Donkeys will vote Twice, or Three, some even Four, Five, Six times
And The Dead will arise out of their sleep and Vote.

The Rich and powerful will wine and dine on lobster and sweet potato pie and the fattest, richest foods with The Queen 
Then, a Silver Bird will take The First Family to Aspen, to Hawaii, to expensive vacays
as peasant children go hungry-----at public schools
The Queen says the peasant children are too fat. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

My Update

11:00 a.m. Today, I bought 3 shares of RWOW (Republican War On Women), and also started a private cause, (AFGCC) Americans For Global Climate Change, then immediately bought 100 shares at 25gc (galtcoins) a share.

My goal is for AFGCC to go public by the end of the day.

I bought 2 shares of SIIF (Stay In Iraq Forever). It's up 2.5%

I hope to start another private cause, (CFK) Cigarettes For Kittens sometime next week. I'm also wondering if David Duke is running for public office in 2014.

(Disclaimer: One of the rules of is that you don't discuss anything that goes on in, so it's a little like Fight Club. This post is meant as a parody of what lying, liberal wienies apparently think we conservatives believe and the causes we would support. Normal Americans. even libs, don't really believe that conservatives believe in causes like RWOW and AFGCC).

Generally speaking, libs are full of crap, and so I mock them.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Local News Media And Government Officials Celebrate The Opening Of LRT's Green Line

On Saturday, the twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul opened the Central Corridor Green Line, as members of the Metropolitan Council and local TV stations celebrated this incredibly expensive boondoggle with city officials. Our correspondent observed this celebration of big government, and filed this report:

On Saturday and Sunday, the Twin Cities officially opened the 'green line', connecting Minneapolis and St. Paul. Everyone got to ride for free.

There was music, clowns, and a 'bar crawl' along the route.

Our friends at KARE 11 celebrated with a carnival, with pizza and hot dogs. They also set up a dunk tank. We had to call a doctor for anchor Julie Nelson, who fainted from the excitement of Saturday's festivities.

Over at WCCO, news anchors and reporters delivered breathless praise for our local government and their newest boondoggle, then interviewed the riders. All of the passengers approved of the free ride, and agreed that the new train was 'beautiful.'

FOX 9 anchor Jeff Passolt boarded the train in a clown costume, and made animal balloons for the kids.

We spoke to Met Transit spokesman Bill Barnard, who excitedly told our correspondent:

When the history of the Twin Cities is written, today will be remembered as the greatest day ever. This was the day that our two great cities were FINALLY connected. The Minneapolis Star Tribune described it as 'A Rail Of Two Cities.'

In closing, our correspondent spoke to one of the new drivers, who said this:

Some critics will describe this project as a 'boondoggle' and 'dangerous'. I stand by our record. In the testing phase, we had only four minor accidents, and not a single fatality..

Monday, June 16, 2014

Jackie Mason: How Low Can These Evil Democrat Schmucks Go?

Our Correspondent Jackie Mason sends us this:

Oi Vey! This lying, evil schmuck Obama lies about Benghazi, lies about The IRS, lies about EVERYTHING. Then, he opens his daily liefest with, 'Just let me be clear.' The only thing clear is that he's a liar!

Let me translate: When Obama says 'Just let me be clear,' he's really saying,' Do not interrupt me while I'm lying my ass off.' What a dirty-rotten schlemiel!

These evil, conniving  Democrats are always in the gutter. When Eric Cantor lost the Republican primary, these Dirty Demonrats chalked it up to 'Jew hatred'. If there's something Democrats know, it's Jew hatred. Lying creeps.

As these bloodthirsty, insane Islamo-fascists chop off heads, and rape women, Obama and his idiotic robots spread this baloney about 'Republican War On Women.'

He's willing to break every law imaginable to beat The Republicans, using The IRS to harass and intimidate The People, yet thinks that a hashtag is gonna stop those psychotic animals Boko Haram. God help us.

Now, we have a humanitarian crisis. Kids from Central America are being 'housed' at army bases in Texas and Arizona, because this jack-ass is trying to overrun the country I love. What a bastard.

 I'll bet his OFA creeps are probably registering these kids to vote this November.

The Jerk-In-Chief welcomes the traitor Bowe Bergdahl to the White House, while American hero Andrew Tahmooressi remains handcuffed to a dirty bed in a Mexican prison. Shameful.

That dirty schmuck Schumer wants to do away with the 1st Amendment, that jack-ass Keith Ellison wants to do away with The 2nd Amendment, somebody wants to do away with the 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

And these clowns take an oath to uphold and defend The Constitution? These people are crazy. We should keep Camp Gitmo open, and put all these Democrat criminals in there.

Well, that's it for now.


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Hillary Clinton: Hard Choices (Page 158)

We were FLAT BROKE. We were up to our lying eyes with legal costs, and had purchased a second mansion in New York.

I had to make visits to the plasma center to pay the mortgage. I would have to make roughly 40,000 more visits to pay it off, and had to explain our situation to my daughter Chelsea. Soon, she would be enrolling in college.

I surreptitiously made a deal to sell our future grandchildren to Uncle George (Soros). Knowing Chelsea, I knew she would understand.

However, for the time being, Bill and I knew we needed money, so he scheduled MORE speaking engagements. raking in $750,000 per appearence.  I had to sell the silverware I stole from The White House in January 2001, and had to also sell almost half of my collection of pantsuits.

It was a scary time. I didn't know how many bimbos were going to come out of the woodwork, and sue Bill for harassing them.

We decided that I would make a run for the Senate. That would be a great way to make lots of money quick. We decided to pick a real safe state where a carpet-bagging Democrat can easily win. Of course, New York was the logical choice. 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Emperor Obama: Say Goodbye To Fossil Fuels

Today, Emperor Obama addresses his subjects on the subject of energy:

 Good morning, my impoverished American cave people,

Today, I proudly announce that I have kept TWO campaign destroy The Coal Industry AND that energy prices would necessarily skyrocket.

I am happy to announce that soon the America that you grew up in will be reduced to 4th-world status. Soon, there will be NO WAY to pay your energy bill. It will be impossible to start up your computers or heat your homes, unless I say you may.

Say goodbye to cheap, plentiful fossil fuels. Soon, we will close all the nuclear plants, and rely on the sun and kelp from the ocean to supply us with all our energy needs. I foresee a time when nearly everyone will be living in straw huts.

Eventually, you will be completely dependent on ME. Soon, you will need to contact one of my commissars, and he or she will get you in contact with an ENERGY NAVIGATOR, who will have the power rob you of your earthly possessions.....or grant you an ENERGY SUBSIDY.

If you are a registered Democrat, you probably WILL receive your energy subsidy......unless there's a problem with our website, energy,gov, which will be up-and-running in 2017.

We may replace energy grids with 'energy welfare offices.'

Global Climate Change is disturbing the balance on this fragile, tiny planet. So, within three years, we will drastically reduce CO2 by eliminating millions of producers of this pollutant.....PEOPLE!

This will be an orderly process. We will do away with 'domestic terrorists', such as land-owners and conservative refuseniks. We will herd them up, and put them in our FEMA camps. Then, they will disappear, and along with them, excessive amounts of CO2.

These are exciting times.

Allahu Akbar. (ululate)

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

An Offer To Malia And Sasha Obama

Dear Malia and Sasha Obama,

The RedSquirrel Report would like to offer you a chance to serve your country. There is SO MUCH that we don't know about your Mom and Dad, and so we would like to ask you if you would be interested in helping us know them better.

At some point, at the White House dinner table, we would like you to ask your Dad where he keeps his college transcripts. If he tells you where they are, or better yet, if he xeroxes a copy, send it to us at The RedSquirrel Report. We will pay you a $1,000.

That's right. We have a check made out to you, Malia and Sasha. A thousand BUCKS. You can split it 50-50, or Malia can take 60%. It's up to you girls how you want to split the money.

Think about it. A thousand dollars. You can invite all your friends over, and order a hundred pizzas.

The RedSquirrel Report also asks you to monitor your parents for any RACIST remarks. We at RSR are journalists interested in getting 'the inside scoop,' and believe that The President and The First Lady must always set a high standard.

If you want, you can wear a wire, and we can park a surveillance truck a few blocks from The White House. If your parents, or Grandma Robinson, say anything that can be construed as RACIST, and it's caught on tape, we will pay you.

Can you imagine how famous you would become? You would be more famous than Donald Sterling's girlfriend, or even Geraldo Rivera!


Joe at The RedSquirrel Report

p.s.-We will also pay you $1,000 for a funny, embarrassing pic of Valerie Jarrett, or one of your Mom feeding her face.

Obama's Speech At West Point

Here are some of President Obama's remarks before the graduating class at West Point (if he ever told the truth):

Thank you......Thank you.....No, don't stand up.......

It is an HONOR to be here to speak to you, the graduates of West Point. I am honored to speak to all you CORPSEMEN.

The FIRST thing I want to say is that The V.A. Scandal is NOT MY FAULT. I inherited this disgraceful mess from the previous administration, so don't blame me.

I am proud to say that MY ADMINISTRATION is drawing down our forces in Afghanistan and Iraq, and soon, the right people will take charge in these countries.... 

....Muslim extremists who HATE OUR GUTS....

Soon, you may be called upon to rescue those school girls in Nigeria. It looks like our hashtag diplomacy has made my administration the laughing stock of the world. It's hard to believe that you just can't stop terrorists with a hashtag.

Soon, you will be replaced by my gestapo....uh....I mean, my National Civilian Security Force just as well-funded as the U.S. military. Of course, you can join that.

Soon, you will become long as you will promise to fire upon those dangerous 'domestic terrorists', such as registered Republicans and supporters of the Second Amendment.

America must always lead the world, as long as it's alright with Vlad Putin. We also never leave any of our people behind, unless there's an important fundraiser in Las Vegas the next day. I believe with every fiber of my being that American needs to be knocked down a few pegs.

I do have some incredible news:

I have single-handedly traded five, dangerous, America-hating terrorists from Guantanamo Bay for America-hating deserter Bowe Bergdahl....

Before I freed those terrorists from Guantanamo Prison, they were getting good, free healthcare. Now, they lose it. Basically, I CANCELLED their health plan! I screwed them over just as I screwed over YOUR PARENTS! 

Hey, stop booing.....You better stop or Attorney General Eric Holder will put you on my enemies list. Hey, I can purge generals....Don't think I can't do the same to you little punks.

On top of all the great work I have done with the military, the thing I am most proud of is that we have successfully turned Bradley Manning into Chelsea Manning! Who says that you can't get good medical care under my administration!

These are exciting times for the military. Soon, you will be fighting against dangerous Mexican drug dealers right on the streets of America. They own guns my administration gave them in Operation Fast And Furious. Three cheers for Team Obama!

Hey, put those middle fingers down!

In closing, I see a future where you will be doing your training on the streets of America, alongside our friends....The Russians and The Chinese. Many of you will do the important work of guarding FEMA prison camps, as your overlords plan out wars in Syria and Libya.

Thank you. That's my time.

Allahu Akbar!!!! (ululates)

Monday, June 2, 2014

Red Forman: Toure' Neblett And Eleanor Clift Are Dumb-Asses

MSNBC's Toure' Neblett has got to be the dumbest human being to ever be put on television, and The McLaughlin Group's Eleanor Clift isn't far behind . It's simply amazing how prolific they are in their incredibly idiotic, offensive comments.

Imagine that you're a reasonably well-informed American from the 1970's and you could watch what passes for punditry in 2014. Here to give us some insight is our citizen reporter from The 1970's, Red Forman. Take it away, Red:

Holy crap, look at all the incredibly stupid pundits you have in the year 2014. Back in the 1970's, we had the big three. We had Walter Cronkite on the tube to tell us that Nixon was meeting with Brezhnev or Carter was cutting a deal with Israel and the Palestinians. We also had that smart aleck William F. Buckley on PBS.

Things have changed. Now, we have cable news, talk radio, and tons of stuff we didn't have in the 70's. It looks like EVERYBODY has a say, even hateful, obnoxious jack-asses like this dummkopf Toure' Neblett, who says that Jews need to 'check their privilege'. People like that insane doofus claim that white Americans have an unfair advantage because they're white. It could never be because most of us make smart decisions, like marrying our children's mother and working hard. Jaw-dropping.


Then, there's Eleanor Clift, who recently said that Ambassador Chris Stevens was NOT killed by Islamic terrorists in Benghazi. He was killed by 'smoke inhalation'. That's like saying that on 9-11, 3,000 Americans 'died'  from 'falling'. What an insipid hag.

One great thing you have now is this doohicky called The Internet. I kinda like checking out that thingy you guys call Twitter. It's where normal Americans go to make fun of these idiots. I'm laughing my ass off right now, reading this hashtag #eleanorcliftlogic. 

Have a great day.