Hello. My Name is A. Carl Lazlo. I am Ted Nugent's attorney. Last week, my client spoke before the attendees at The National Convention of The National Rifle Association.
As you know, he said some things that could have been construed as a' 'threat' against the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. But, let's take his remarks apart, and let's see what my client really meant to say, shall we?
"If Obama wins in 2012, I'll be in jail or dead by this time next year".
There will be many, many people who will die by this time next year. People die of heart attacks, car accidents, cancer, and suicide. Maybe Mr. Nugent will be alive then, maybe he won't be, so who knows what the future brings? There will be many Americans in trouble after Obamacare kicks in. There will be those refusing to obey the individual mandate, including Mr. Nugent. Or perhaps, Mr. Nugent might be referring to Obama's 'Death Panels'.
It could also be that my client was speaking of 'Fast and Furious'. He lives in Texas. It is possible that Mr. Nugent could be killed by a Mexican drug dealer who bought a gun illegally from Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder.
It's just a fact of life. In fact, death is just part of life. If Obama wins, many people will probably resort to cannibalism. Mr. Nugent may go to jail for cannibalism-or maybe not.
Then, there's this statement:
"We need to ride into that battlefield, and chop their heads off in November. Any Questions?"
I refer to that famous case of The Commielib Supporters for Obama v. COMMON SENSE! This was a figurative statement. Mr. Nugent is speaking about Election Day, and you idiots in the news media know that.
Finally, My client referred to The Obama Administration as "vile, evil, an anti-American", and "they are 'wiping it's a$$ on The Constitution'...."
It's amazing that I keep hearing that Mr. Obama knows The Constitution, and that he actually taught Constitutional Law. Well, he must have forgot to wake up on the first day of school, because Mr. Nugent political opinions are protected by THE FIRST FRIGGEN AMENDMENT!
I don't know what the hell Obama was doing while his Law Professor was teaching the FIRST AMENDMENT. He was probably on a cocaine bender, or reminiscing about his younger days eating dog flesh.
But I digress. Mr. Nugent is expressing what all Americans with their heads screwed on straight know. The President has repeatedly acted extra-constitutionally, and behaves like a petty, Communist dictator.
I am happy to have cleared that up. Thank you.
A. Carl Lazlo