Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Critics Corner With Gerald Snotley

Our resident music and arts critic Gerald Snotley is back, fresh off his eyelash-replacement surgery with a music review. So, here he is, as joyless and over-analytical as ever. Take it away, Gerry:

This week, I am reviewing the new music video by those lowbrow bumpkins, The Oak Ridge Boys. Their brand new video, 'Whatcha Gonna Do?',  features YouTube lips sync train wreck, Keenan Cahill.

My right-wing Republican boss, The reprehensible RedSquirrel, has decided that it would be fun to torture me by asking me to review this terrible music video.

As a typical, joyless arts critic, I am simply appalled by the incursion of this untalented midget in this video. Is he in the group now?

But, there again, I don't understand the concept of  'fun'. I believe that artists make music to please over-critical killjoys like myself. I am proud to say that I haven't given a positive review since the brilliant Elvis Costello released his 1978 masterpiece, 'My Aim Is True'.

But, back to the review. The producer of this his terrible music video apparently set up a camera in somebodies apartment, and cut on labor costs by keeping the camera on a tripod for the entire 'shoot'. The camera never moves. I believe that one of my eyelashes fell out as I watched this disaster.

The Oak Ridge Boys can barely lips sync to their own song. Their vertically-challenged co-star appeared to struggle with this song also. I would encourage Mr. Cahill to use this video as proof that he is handicapped, so that he may collect disability benefits.

During the guitar solo portion of this video, the Oak Ridge Boys and their little friend act as if they were playing the instruments. Usually, this is act is called 'playing air guitar'. It looked more like they were playing 'air mandolins....badly'.

As I suffered through this music video, I realised that this was the uncoolest thing I have ever seen. I wrap up this review by saying that I hate my boss. Damn you, RedSquirrel. Damn you.

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