Happy Easter, America. It's your Messiah, President Barack Hussein Obama.
This weekend, as we celebrate the resurrection of my poll numbers, I would just like to remind some of you that you haven't donated to my re-election. And so, I would like to tell you of a special offer this week. If you donate $3 to my campaign, I will send you an Obama flag. Fly it high.
Yesterday was a Very Good Friday, as we found out that Gallup reported that my approval number is back at 50%. It's an OBAMA EASTER MIRACLE!
First Lady Michelle and her army of food inspectors are going door-to-door, and confiscating ALL of the fattening chocolate bunnies, and marshmallow peeps from EVERY house in America. Everybody, have an Easter Carrot. It's good for you.
As for that Hispanic Honky, George Zimmerman, my flash mob in Sanford, Florida is telling that judge, 'CRUCIFY HIM!'. My friends The Black Panthers has offered 50 pieces of silver to anyone who can bring that killer to justice.
Just as Jebus had those hateful Sanhedrin to deal with, I have nine, unelected judges who are trying to overturn my health care law! If these extremist Republicans were alive back in Biblical times, they would just let Lazarus die!
To my Jewish friends celebrating Passover and watching 'The Ten Commandments', I offer the bitter bondage of crushing taxes. So it is written, so shall it be done.