My fellow Americans,
Before you sit down with your families for your Thanksgiving feast, I need to warn all Americans who plan any traveling. You should probably just stay where you are because I'm announcing a worldwide travel warning to all Americans, due to the number one threat to our national security....global climate change.
The only people who will not be experiencing a travel restriction
will be the 100,000 Syrian 'refugees' that will be arriving in America
soon. Hopefully, they will 'thank me' on Election Day 2016.
As for ISIS, the American people can be thankful to ME because I am happy to announce that ISIS has been contained. In fact, they're on the run. The massive, widespread murder that occurred in Paris is due to climate change.
As you pass the potatoes, I hope that you will remind your Republican Uncle about the many ways my administration has made America a better, more just nation. Now, undocumented immigrants get free healthcare. As for all the veterans languishing in our scandal-ridden VA system, just say what I say....
"It's the Republicans' fault!"
After you finish the apple and cherry pie, sit down with your younger relatives, and remind them about all the ways that The Muslim faith has woven itself in the fabric of America. Tell them about the father of our country, Abdul Abdul Muhammed Washington, as well as Abduliham Lincoln Muhammed, who freed the slaves.
Now, those bigoted, cowardly Republicans want to keep Syrian women and their children out of the country. What do they have against refugees who just want a better life???
You can also remind your relatives that Obamacare is working exactly as it's supposed to! There are many ways that my presidency has improved this country. My people will keep sending you our exciting e-mails, so stay near you inbox!
As for me, I am thankful for low-information voters and weak-kneed, establishment Republicans in Congress. I'm also thankful for my most dedicated supporters....the mainstream press.
I'm thankful for race-baiting allies like Al Sharpton, and for morally-defective Democrat supporters in Hollywood. Gobble, gobble.
President Barack Hussein Obama