Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Bronies-The Future Of America?

This week, The RedSquirrel Report is issuing a warning to America.

We are learning about a strange subculture of dorkish zeta-males who call themselves Bronies (brother + pony). dedicated fans of 80's cartoon My Little Pony. The TV program features a fantasy world of girlish, pastel-hued ponies. with precious names such as Pinky Pie and IceCream SunTickle. Each pony has a cutie mark.

This developing Brony culture appears to have many Americans concerned for this country's future. Many are mortified that supposedly grown men would obsess over a cartoon whose targeted audience consists of 9-year-old girls. This bushy-tailed correspondent considers this development rather comical.

Still, we here at The RedSquirrel Report would like to help our readers know how to identify a Brony. Perhaps you may even know one. This is what we know:

A herd of Bronies will walk into a tattoo parlor, and each one will ask the tattoo artist for a 'cutie mark'.

In 2009, a Brony was spotted riding a magic unicorn into the White House, promising to lower the sea levels. He has since done untold damage to this country.

While some men defend this country in the armed forces, others are into paintball wars. Bronies throw 'glitter bombs'.

Your emasculated, 26-year-old son gets a free physical check-up, payed for through your insurance. After the exam, your doctor brings you the bad news:

"Your son has a severe case of 'Acute Lameness'.

If your son spends a lot of time in his room, cuts classes at the community college where he's enrolled, or eventually flunks out, he may be a Brony.

Some Bronies actually glue a unicorn horn onto their foreheads. If your son does this, he may have a problem if he comes home from the job interview with one protruding from his skull.

There are documented examples of dads who actually try to get their Brony sons addicted to pornography, rather than see their sissified sons wallow in this Bronified state. This is not recommended.

From what we know so far, Bronies are harmless. Still, if your Brony's weird obsession impedes his ability to function as a young adult, consult a psychologist.

The RedSquirrel Report will keep you updated on this important story. Stay tuned.

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