The RedSquirrel Report is always eager to help in the war against terrorists, foreign and domestic, that pose a threat against America. It's in that spirit of cooperation that we welcome Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano:
Thank you, RedSquirrel. Yesterday was May Day. As you know, domestic terrorists broke windows and caused some damage across this country. Just be secure in knowing that me and my officers are hot on the trail of these Tea Party Right-wing terrorists that committed these acts.
For the last couple years, we have been watching these right-wing groups and inappropriately groping possible perps at airports across the country. Last week, I was under the impression that May Day would be falling on Sunday. Unfortunately, I had forgot to take down the 2011 calender in my office. My bad.
And so, my office was caught with our pants down, and those dastardly Tea Party troublemakers went on a destruction spree across the country. As President Obama's Director of Homeland Secretary, I am asking for your help. If you know anybody who votes Republican, or has at some time expressed dissatisfaction with my boss, President Barack Obama, please contact my office. We need to bring these right-wing fanatics to justice. For the record, I have changed my calender.
Director Of Homeland Security.