The Republican candidate was besieged with several 40-year-old allegations of sexual indiscretions a month before the special election. We go to Doug Jones' victory speech in progress:
First of all, I want to thank that ambulance-chasing witch Gloria Allred and those Democrat staffers who did such a great job posing as victims! That forged yearbook almost gave us away, but those holy-roller Trump voters believed in our smears and stayed home! (Audience cheers wildly.)
WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)
More than HALF of our state's Trump's 1.3 million voters stayed home, although many of Moore's ballots were probably thrown out! (Audience cheers wildly.) What a bunch of suckers!!!
That brings me to our team of smear artists! You guys and gals at CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, ect., constantly harped on these phony allegations! YOU FOLKS ARE SHAMELESS!!! (Audience cheers wildly as Jones laughs.)
Y'all HEAR THAT??? They're cheering at CNN headquarters!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)
But we couldn't have won without Black voters!!!! (Audience cheers) Even in deep-red Alabama, IDENTITY POLITICS RULE!!! (Audience cheers wildly.)
Our team painted Roy Moore as a psychotic, wild-eyed racist! Our people lied their asses off, suggesting that Moore loved slavery! (Audience cheers, then 'boo' Moore.)
I also humbly thank all our friends in Mississippi and South Carolina who bussed angry Blacks from those states to the voting booths. (Audience cheers wildly.) I also thank all the FELONS! WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!!! (Audience cheers wildly).
Last of all, I want to thank Roy Moore for being SUCH A TERRIBLE CANDIDATE!! (Audience laughs.)
Roy thought that his imaginary friend in the clouds would deliver victory tonight!(Audience laughs.) It looks like Yahweh isn't the best campaign director!!! (Audience laughs.)
Yahweh told Roy to hide from the voters!!! (Audience howls with laughter.)
Thank you! May Moloch bless this great state!!!!(Audience cheers wildly.)
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