The RedSquirrel Report sent a correspondent to The North Pole to file a report. We thought that with all the trouble in the world, and with all the terrible news in America, we would do a fun report from Santa's Toy Shop. However, what we found was a very angry Santa Claus.
Mr. Kringle showed our correspondent around the massive toy shop, as the elves were enjoying their 20-minute 'smoke break'. We sat down with the big guy himself, although when we mentioned America, his jolly demeanor changed. He explained:
"Your President has been sending his NLRB thugs to strong arm me into unionizing. We have NEVER unionized, and never will. We could go belly-up if we are forced to offer pensions. My elves already have a great deal. If that jack a$$ Obama keeps this up, I'm gonna put a steaming reindeer turd in his stocking!"
Mr. Claus also referred to an incident in October, when Obama ordered armed federal agents to storm his toy guitar plant. We asked Obama's Attorney General Eric Holder about this incident, and he explained to us that Santa's Toyshop has been making toy guitars with an illegally imported wood from Sri Lanka. Santa dismisses the Attorney General's charge:
"What really pisses me off is that we are not under the jurisdiction of The United States of America. When Obama had the Gibson Guitar plant in Memphis stormed, that really torqued me off. But now, those pricks are coming after us. I don't want to sound too conspiratorial, but I think that they are coming after us to pressure us into unionizing".
We also met with the lovable elves. Once again, the cheerful elves had some strong words for President Obama. We spoke to the North Pole's official dentist, Dr. Hermie DDS. He had just finished putting some dental implants in for a patient. The huge, hairy, 20-foot patient previously had all his large teeth taken out by Dr. Hermie.
"If any of those unionista douchebags try coming back, I hope that my buddy (The Abominable Snow Bumble) bites them!"
Also, the Obama Administration has contacted Santa's Toy Shop with concerns that the operation has contributed to global warming. We asked Doctor Hermie's former boss about this.
"Global warming, my A$$", he laughed derisively. "I haven't heard anything this ridiculous since Hermie said that he wanted to be a dentist. We've got lots of snow, and it has actually gotten a little cooler in the last 20 years. Damned Marxist jerks!"
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