Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Team Obama Presents: Children Of The Damned

Adolf Hitler had his Hitler Youth, Communist Russia used the kids to spy on their own parents, and America has it's own communist president who's willing to use children to retain power.

In the new Obama campaign ad, Democrat larva sing 'We Are Children Of The Future.' With each excruciating verse, these brainwashed crumb-crunchers decry a host of horrors, and blame their parents. Here's a short sample:

We haven't killed all the polar bears / But it's not for lack of trying
The Earth is cracked / Big Bird is sacked
And the atmosphere is frying

We're the Children of the Future
American through and through
But something happened to our country
And we're kinda blaming you

Either Team Obama are trying to offend us, or they're trying to make us laugh. This unintentionally comical, ridiculous song begs to be parodied.

I prefer my version:

Obama killed the coal industry / He killed Keystone too
Solyndra's a fraud / He thinks that he's God
But we are blaming you

He attacks the private sector / and says ,'You din't build that.'
Corruption and sleaze / America on it's knees
He acts like a ten-year-old brat

Obama turned his back on Benghazi / while the consulate burned
Brave Americans were killed/ while the MSM shills
They don't seem concerned

Monday, October 29, 2012

Obama Keepin' It Classy

In the new Rolling Stone interview, Barack Obama referred to challenger Mitt Romney as 'a bullshitter'.

Oh great, we have a president who needs his mouth washed out with soap.

My First Time

This is a presidential campaign ad?          

26-year-old TV producer Lena Dunham is the star of "My First Time", the new Obama campaign ad. In it, she compares voting with losing your virginity.

It looks like Team Obama still hasn't NAILED DOWN their base of young, single liberal skanks.

Twitter has exploded with a bounty of parodies, so I thought that I would get into the act:

"Like.....your first time should be with a beautiful black man who is has his image on his own flag.

He should be mysterious. Those conservative meanies want to know about that crisis Benghazi. But take it from this 26-year-old womyn....Nobody needs to know. 

He understands young hipster chicks like me....Many of us of contraception! We should get free birth control, taxpayers should pay for it. Because, who wants to be punished WITH A BABY?!

So, your first time should be with the black guy....unless you're one of those RACISTS.

Obama has taken 300,000,000 Americans by the hand, then screwed them! So, you'll want someone who's EXPERIENCED. Sure, the second time will be even more painful than the first time. 

He supported the Lilly Ledbetter act. I don't know what the Lilly Ledbetter Act is, but I can say 'Lilly Ledbetter'.

He also sent guns to super-kewl, hunky drug dealers across the border. He soooo 'Miami Vice!'

So, I went into the voting booth and pulled the curtain, and picked up an OTD. YAY! 

Just remember, when you do it for the first time, you are also doing it with everyone HE'S done it with.

Thank you."

Monday, October 22, 2012

Doubleteam On Long Island

If last Tuesday night's townhall debate was a big WWE wrestling match, it would have gone something like this:

Tonight's townhall debate between Our Dear Leader and challenger Mitt Romney features guest referee Candy Crowley from CNN, and a seemingly unassuming studio audience of 'undecided' voters.

These 'undecideds' will ask the questions....and here comes the challenger Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts. Gosh, his hair is perfect. Ooh, and here comes The Champion, Our Dear Leader himself. It's clear to see that the champion is not going to give his President's World Champion Belt up without a fight.

After his Debacle In Denver, The President will have to keep his lies straight tonight.

And Candy Crowley rings the bell, and the Townhall debate starts....

One voter just asked The Champion what he knew about the attack in Benghazi. After a pointed back and forth with the challenger, the Champion is looking to our moderator, and she throws Mitt Romney head-first into the turnbuckle. Strangely enough, the audience appears to condone this.

Now, a woman (an Obama plant) is asking the challenger how is he different from former Champion George Dubya, and our combatants trade round-houses. Obama has gouged Romney's eyes, as Obama's wife Michelle breaks one of the debate rules by applauding.

It looks like Romney has just powerbombed The Champion into the floor following a question pertaining to the national budget. Oh, look fans! Romney has Obama in a sleeper....but moderator Crowley has told Romney to break the hold and sit down.

The Bamster took the opportunity to tell A Big Whopper, knocking the challenger nearly out of the ring.

Now, Romney is straightening his hair and tie, and he jump-kicks Obama during a discussion on Jobs and Unemployment. The Champion bails out of the ring. His eyes are crossed, and he shakes his head, clearing the cobwebs.

Wow, this is a real battle, folks. It looks like the time limit will run out. Romney was about to smash Obama's head in with his patented elbow smash, but moderator Candy Crowley has rang the bell. She has interrupted him repeatedly throughout the match.

Post-match analysis: Most pundits declared it a draw, with no clear winner. Following this match, it was determined that moderator Candy Crowley was out of bounds (and factually incorrect) in her double-team of Romney.

The final debate will be in Boca Raton,Florida, with WWE superstar The Undertaker in the studio audience. Rumor is that if moderator Bob Schieffer from CBS 'Face The Nation' tries shows extreme bias, the 'walking dead man' will lay the smackdown on the moderator....with a folded chair.

See you then. Good bye from the campus of Hofstra University. So long!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Napolitano: Federal Reserve Bldg Bomber Fits Tea Party Profile

21-year-old terrorist mastermind Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis was arrested on Wednesday, attempting to destroy The Federal Reserve Building in Manhattan. He wanted to disrupt the presidential election.

The genius thought that he had obtained a thousand-pound bomb, but made the mistake of dealing with undercover agents, and was arrested when he tried to detonate it.

Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano:

"As you know, we have been watching the Tea Party for the last couple years, and Mr. Nafis fits our profile as a possible terrorist. Quazi Mohammad Rexwanul Ahsan Nafis was definitely associated with a Tea Party group we have been surveiling. We're not  absolutely sure, but his name sounds quite Lutheran.

I just want to assure the American people that they are safe under my watch."

DHS Director Napolitano went on to say that Homeland Security officials are also hot on the trail of another Federal Reserve foe, Texas Congressman and former Presidential candidate Ron Paul.

UN Warns America: Do Not Elect Mitt Romney

Also in the news:

The United Nations will be monitoring America's presidential election, sending their international election monitors to polling stations across the nation. Meanwhile, the third-world dictators who run the UN are issuing a warning to America:

Do not elect Mitt Romney.

To this, America has replied:

Hey UN, why don't you go play hide and go f... yourself?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Happy Halloween 2012 From The Obamas

Hello, it's the neighborhood bully once again, wishing you a happy Halloween.

The First Lady is already planning a terrific Halloween party. Malia and Sasha are helping their Mom as she shops for fun Halloween supplies.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid will be scary living lawn ornaments, scaring trick-or-treaters and guests alike. Nancy will be a terrifying witch and Harry will be The Crypt-Keeper. I understand that several House Republicans will try to crash our party dressed as dirty, out-of-work coalminers. Spoil sports.

Then, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and advisor Valerie Jarrett will both be arriving in their giant vagina costumes they stole from The Democratic National Convention.

Like last year, we'll have Solyndra execs and bosses from The Services Employee International Union bobbing for bribes in the Main Ballroom. This year, we're inviting you to our Halloween party, but you have to contribute to my re-election.

If you contribute $5 or more, you will be entered in a drawing. We will pick 2 winners who will be allowed in the same room with my friend and supporter, George Clooney.

Still, we are getting some folks who keep egging my house....uh....I mean, the PEOPLE'S White House. Darn those Twitter conservatives. This is what those right-wing meanies do when they're not hijacking my hashtags.

I'll have a special treat for all the out-of-work trick-or-treaters. Obama Phones in every bag!

You might be wondering what my Halloween costume will be. It involves a toilet seat hanging around my neck. Well, they call me an empty chair....

I can't wait for Halloween Night. It should be a real riot. I sure hope that this wonderful country can avoid the riots that will break out across America if I should somehow lose my bid for re-election, so ACORN and SCYTL better come through.

Finally, if for some reason you fail to have a Happy Halloween, just remember:

I inherited this holiday from the previous administration. Thank you.

The Vice-President Forgot His Ritalin

During the Vice-Presidential debate on Thursday night, Joe Biden laughed at, scowled, and interrupted counterpart Paul Ryan over 80 times. It appears that he also tried to blind his opponent, showing him his ultra bright teeth throughout the 90-minute debate.

He acted up like the 7-year old that the neighborhood hates. Perhaps Our Dear Leader forgot to give Crazy Joe his Ritalin or something.

Syndicated columnist Charles Krauthammer opined that Biden did a terrific impression of Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining'.

During the debate, he spinned several whoppers. He made the startling claim that the consulate in Benghazi didn't ask for help before the attack on September 11. He also spoke against both the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars, although Biden conveniently failed to mention that he voted to approve force in both cases.

As a Catholic, he approves of taxpayer-funded abortion. For some reason, the  discussion of bloodthirsty Iranian mullahs and 'nuclear weapon delivery systems'
seemed to hit Joe's funny bone.

But it was Biden's obnoxious, disturbing behavior that made him 'the star of the show'.  The debate was probably a draw, but Biden's incessant mugging and acting up probably costed the incumbent ticket the votes of Independent and women voters.

It appears that Biden has multiple mental disorders. Hairplug-Neuron Bidenosis? Hyena Complex? JackAssparger's Syndrome?

Our Vice-President is a nutcase. Someone should run some tests on him.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Stephanie Cutter: If It Weren't For That Meddling Romney

Our Dear Leader's Deputy Campaign Manager Stephanie Cutter sounds like a villain at the end of an episode of Scooby-Doo:

"The Obama Administration would have gotten away with lying about the Benghazi attacks if it weren't for that meddling Romney...."

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Finally, That All-Important Snoop Dogg Dorsement-Enizzle

I have been waiting for that important residential-pizzle dorsement-endizzle from Snoop Dogg to let me know who I should vote for on November 6.

Thank God that my wish came true yesterday, as the dope-smoking gangster-rapper imparted his political wisdom on the masses. He re-posted a list originally created by twitter user @DragonflyJonez. Here is a list why he WON'T be voting for Mitt Romney:

 1. He's a white ni..a
 2. This muthaf...a's name is Mitt
 3. B.... got a dancing horse.
 4  He a h..
 5. He looks like he say ni..a all the time
 6. This muthaf...a's name is Mitt
 7. He always interrupts and talks over people like he's better than them. B...I will beat the sh.. out of you
 8. He's a Mormon but he ain't got no hoes
 9. He reminds me of every boss I ever hated
10.The muthaf...a's name is Mitt

Here is a list why he will be casting his vote for Our Dear Leader:

 1. He's a black ni..a
 2. He mad cool yo.
 3. That ni..a look like he can fight.
 4. He wears a durag like me.
 5. Michelle got a 'fat a..'.
 6. He' BFF's with Jay-Z
 7. He's hugged Beyonce and sniffed her neck
 8. We use the same hair clippers
 9. He smokes Newports
10.I seen that ni..a hoop before and he got a jumper

Your bushy-tailed correspondent is thinking about going on a nice, long vacation. You don't even need me here.

Will Mark Levin Buy Sesame Street?

As the debate unfolded on Wednesday night, Mitt Romney suggested that as President he'll cut funding to the Public Broadcasting Company. He said that he liked Big Bird and debate moderator Jim Lehrer, but that Public Broadcasting could easily keep operating without the taxpayer's footing the bill.

Of course, you'd expect the left to have a hissy fit over that.

Sesame Street earns hundreds of millions of dollars a year on merchandising alone. Even the producers readily admit that they don't really need taxpayer money to keep The Children's Television Workshop going.

Enter conservative talker Mark Levin. Late last week, he proposed that he and a team of investors buy Sesame Street. Your bushy-tailed correspondent finds this idea intriguing, for there could be big changes in store if a big-name conservative suddenly took over the show:

For instance, Levin could hire his old boss, Edwin Meese, to teach Bert and Ernie about The Constitution.

Conservative author and Twitter maven Kurt Schlichter could be hired to host a daily segment, #ConservativeLifeCoach. He could wear a whistle around his neck, and teach all the 26-year-old children how to behave like self-sustaining adults.

I'm also hearing rumours that talk-show host and Sesame Street beat reporter Guy Smiley may be replaced by this guy.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Obama's Denver Debacle

On Wednesday night, presidential challenger Mitt Romney resembled Manny Pacquio, riddling Our Glorious Incumbent with an impressive command of facts and life experience. Barack Obama spent the night getting his head snapped back repeatedly.

The challenger offered practical solutions, while the incumbent wanted to get into a ideological fight. Mitt Romney knows the economy because that's what he does. Everything that Obama knows about the economy he learned in a college faculty lounge.

The challenger had debated other terrific Republican candidates earlier this year, while Our Glorious Leader spends his time sharing yuks with Letterman, Fallon, and the ladies at The View. The President was used to speaking before adoring, swooning supporters. On Wednesday night, he tried to speak of  'evil corporations sending jobs overseas', but kept getting interrupted. Darn that debate format.

By the time it was over, Democratic strategists were in shock.

Yet, it could have been even worse. The former Massachusetts Governor could have used the words 'money-laundering scheme' to describe Solyndra- and that the money could've hired 2,000,000 teachers.

The President and his challenger will debate two more times. The next debate will concentrate on foreign affairs. I'd like to know how Obama will defend his horrendous record. Recently, he jetted off to Las Vegas as our ambassador Chris Stevens was being raped and murdered by a bloodthirsty, psychotic mob. Perhaps The President had a high-level meeting with advisers Siegried and Roy.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

What Has Happened To This Country?

                                                        1951. I Like Ike

                                         1984. It's Morning Again In America

                               2012: Vote Like Your Lady Parts Depend On It       

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Open Letter To The Muslim Brotherhood

With all the horrible news coming out of the Middle East in recent days, your bushy-tailed correspondent thinks that this is a good time to send a message to our Muslim neighbors:


My name is J. RedSquirrel, and I'm an American. Real Americans believe in the freedom of speech, an important freedom which is guaranteed in The First Amendment of The United States Constitution. In America, citizens are free to speak without being hassled by the government or burned at the stake.

Our current President supposedly knows this, having taught Constitutional Law at one time.

Talk radio superstar Rush Limbaugh, as well as the leftist nut jobs from MSNBC are free to say whatever is on their mind. You can also express yourself through your writings, as well as contributing your money to your favorite candidate.

This month, we've noticed a threat to freedom. A video has been blamed for inciting riots in the Middle East. The new Egyptian leader Mohamed Morsi has suggested that America be more shariah-compliant. Mr. Morsi, I sincerely hope you read this.

America will never bow to shariah. You can only make us mad.

I am willing to help you out of your cultural rut. You guys seem stuck somewhere in the 11th century, so let me help you out.

I notice that Moslem men are real uptight about women. You stick 'em in burkas, you don't let 'em go to school, and you don't even let them drive.

On the other hand, American men love women. We love looking at them. They're fun to be around. We work side by side with them. I keep hearing horror stories about how you treat women.

I hear that when your daughter is raped, you bury her up to her neck, then throw stones at her until she's dead. Where I come from, that's sick.

I also hear that you are trying to bring your warped worldview to America. I must warn you. If you even try to put the women of America in burkas, the men of America will kill you.   

Another thing about Americans- We make fun of each other. Liberal and conservatives rip on each other all the time. We're also free to make fun of religions. If you can't laugh at your prophet 'Mo', you'll never fit in.

Sincerely, America.

P.S.- Hey Mohamed Morsi, one more thing. I got your blasphemy right here....

We're Gonna Party Like It's 799

Let's keep the hits a' coming. Yesterday I was listening to Glenn Beck as he and the boys made some fun of the Muslim Brotherhood.

They referenced "1999", Prince's iconic hit from 1983. Here is my remake in honor of our friends in the Middle East.

I was dreaming when I read this, I read it in The Holy Quran
Our cleric told me to kill you, so I strapped on this bomb
We have to clear the way for the 12th Imam
So Mahmoud is working on this nuclear device in Iran
Because we say 2,000 twelve twelve party over, Oops, out of time.
So we're gonna party like it's 799.

You better accept Shariah, or we'll chop off your head
We won't stop until the infidels are all dead
So join in the party of The Muslim Brotherhood
You'll be our dhimmi, or we will shed your blood

It's 2,000 twelve twelve party over, Oops, out of time.
So we're gonna party like it's 799.

Living On A Prayer 2012

Last Spring, 80's rawk icon Jon Bon Jovi took a ride on Obama's Air Force One, so we at The RedSquirrel Report gave him a good ribbing.

I was thinking about Bon Jovi's big hit, "Living On A Prayer". If you remember, the song about desperate times came out during that horrible time of economic degradation ....The Decade of Reagan.

Whatever happened to Tommy and Gina?

Now our economy is in the toilet, and our working-class hero Jon Bon Jovi is jetting around with our Cloward and Piven disciple Barack Hussein Obama, and attending glitzy fundraisers while the middle class has it's incomes stolen by QE3.

What America really needs is for our Jersey-born troubadour to make a remake of this iconic song of the 80's, and update it. It would go something like this:

Tommy used to work at the coal mine
Obama took his job, now he's down on his luck- It's tough. So tough.
Gina worked at Solyndra
It was a money-laundering scheme that went belly-up.- So tough.

She says, "These food stamps is all we got.
as we wave goodbye to our foreclosed lot.
Just like Fast and Furious, our future's shot
But we love Obama. We're proud Obots."

Bon Jovi, like he cares
If we are Living On A Prayer
As he rides around on Obama Air
While we're Living On A Prayer