Last week, potbellied dictator Kim Jong Il died. The long-time ruler of The People's Republic of North Korea assumed room temperature on a train.
The news anchor at our North Korean bureau told us the sad news on Monday. She was accompanied by a government representative:
"Our god-like leader has been taken from us (cry! cry more! or we'll shoot you!), from working so hard. So, he will be greatly missed. (loudly blow your nose) From the hundreds of thousands of tortured political prisoners to the millions that are being starved......by the evil, rich capitalists outside our hermetically sealed society....
Our wondrous leader (now start blubbering uncontrollably), was a fantastic golfer, with supernatural abilities. He shot a round of 39, with 11 holes in one....We must remember the good times, and the imported lobster and cognac he and his bureaucrats enjoyed while millions of North Koreans starved....
He loved movies so much that he would have movie directors kidnapped, and brought to our communist paradise.
He was also quite a little rascal, building up our nuclear weapon program right under the nose of doddering old Uncle Sam! (now, laugh and cry simultaneously).
And so, in his memory, the enslaved people of North Korea must labor even HARDER! (now, break down, crying and thrashing about. good. We will let you live for another day, lady news anchor).
end transcript.
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