Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Obama's Speech At West Point
Thank you......Thank you.....No, don't stand up.......
It is an HONOR to be here to speak to you, the graduates of West Point. I am honored to speak to all you CORPSEMEN.
The FIRST thing I want to say is that The V.A. Scandal is NOT MY FAULT. I inherited this disgraceful mess from the previous administration, so don't blame me.
I am proud to say that MY ADMINISTRATION is drawing down our forces in Afghanistan and Iraq, and soon, the right people will take charge in these countries....
....Muslim extremists who HATE OUR GUTS....
Soon, you may be called upon to rescue those school girls in Nigeria. It looks like our hashtag diplomacy has made my administration the laughing stock of the world. It's hard to believe that you just can't stop terrorists with a hashtag.
Soon, you will be replaced by my gestapo....uh....I mean, my National Civilian Security Force just as well-funded as the U.S. military. Of course, you can join that.
Soon, you will become commanders....as long as you will promise to fire upon those dangerous 'domestic terrorists', such as registered Republicans and supporters of the Second Amendment.
America must always lead the world, as long as it's alright with Vlad Putin. We also never leave any of our people behind, unless there's an important fundraiser in Las Vegas the next day. I believe with every fiber of my being that American needs to be knocked down a few pegs.
I do have some incredible news:
I have single-handedly traded five, dangerous, America-hating terrorists from Guantanamo Bay for America-hating deserter Bowe Bergdahl....
Before I freed those terrorists from Guantanamo Prison, they were getting good, free healthcare. Now, they lose it. Basically, I CANCELLED their health plan! I screwed them over just as I screwed over YOUR PARENTS!
Hey, stop booing.....You better stop or Attorney General Eric Holder will put you on my enemies list. Hey, I can purge generals....Don't think I can't do the same to you little punks.
On top of all the great work I have done with the military, the thing I am most proud of is that we have successfully turned Bradley Manning into Chelsea Manning! Who says that you can't get good medical care under my administration!
These are exciting times for the military. Soon, you will be fighting against dangerous Mexican drug dealers right on the streets of America. They own guns my administration gave them in Operation Fast And Furious. Three cheers for Team Obama!
Hey, put those middle fingers down!
In closing, I see a future where you will be doing your training on the streets of America, alongside our friends....The Russians and The Chinese. Many of you will do the important work of guarding FEMA prison camps, as your overlords plan out wars in Syria and Libya.
Thank you. That's my time.
Allahu Akbar!!!! (ululates)