Monday, April 21, 2014

A Happy Earth Day Message From Mother Earth

Tomorrow is Earth Day. You may be attending an Earth Day event near you, or you may be participating in a 5k run somewhere. We at The RedSquirrel Report are pleased to welcome the big gal herself, Mother Earth, who has a very important message for conservationists, everyday Americans, and environmental wackos alike.

 Take it away, Mom:

Thanks, my little, bushy-tailed friend.

Hey everybody, I just wanted to check in, and share some Earth Day-related thoughts with you. First, there are a lot of you who have a false image of me. I have been around for billions of years (or maybe only 30,000 years), but I stopped counting a long time ago. You know how women are. We don't like to be asked our age.

Some people think that I'm just a delicate eco-system, and cannot be touched. It's like they think I'm frigid or something.

That's simply ridiculous. I'm here for you. Go ahead, chop down that tree. Today, over 50,000 acres will be destroyed.....and made into something REALLY beautiful like a home, a piano, or even a baseball bat.

There are these environmentalist extremists who are against fracking and drilling. Once again, they could not be more wrong. I want to tell you that Mother Earth loves a good frack. In fact, I am a great, big skank. There, I said it.

I've been around a long, long time. These global warming alarmists are frauds and idiots. Comedian George Carlin said it quite well when he said, 'The Earth isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!'

Besides, what's wrong with keeping me WARM? Damned idiots.

Sure, sometimes I open up and shake, and wind up killing a few people here and there. Other times I flood or hit you with a big tsunami. Sometimes I'll get into one of my moods. Just stay out of my way when I do.

One thing about Earth Day I find highly enjoyable are those 5k runs. I just lie on my tummy, because it feels like millions of tiny feet giving me a back massage. 

Well, that's all for now. Everybody have a great Earth Day.


Mother Earth

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