Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Beleagured State Of The Union 2012

Tonight, the Messiah lectures the nation in (hopefully his final) State of the Union Address. Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we have been given a preview of tonight's speech, and have ran it through our Truthteller 3000.

Here is an excerpt:

"Thank you.........Thank you (Democrats stand, applaud, cheering loudly).....Please........(Democrats keep standing).....Thank you.....Yes, I know that I'm almost God-like. Yes.....
......Hey, Nancy Pelosi just fainted.....Is there a doctor in the house? Thank God for Obamacare........Please sit. Please. Thank you, Please, the teleprompter wants everyone to sit down. Thank you,

I was in Disney World last week. How do you like my Mickey Mouse ears? (forced laughter)..Seriously, I am here to report to the American people that the State of the Union is....uh.....bad because of the PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.....and it is only my incredible leadership that has kept things from getting even WORSE. (Democrats cheer wildly, the Republicans laugh).

Last week, I killed tens of thousands of jobs, by denying the permit needed to start building the Keystone XL Pipeline. I stopped those evil 'big oil' guys from creating up to 100,000 jobs. We all know that when Americans have jobs, they tend to vote Republican, AND WE JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT! (Democrats loudly yell 'No!')

The official unemployment rate is 8.6%, because we don't count 2,000,000 or so Americans too discouraged to even look for for a job anymore. My plan is to make EVERY American too discouraged to look for a job....Someday, the official unemployment rate will be 0.0%, as long as we COUNT NOBODY! (Democrats cheer wildly).

The previous occupant of my....I mean....The White House referred to our enemies as 'an axis of evil'. I refer to my enemies as 'America's traditional allies'. I believe that we should not demonize Iran, because I might have accidentally gave them one of our predator drones, and I really don't want that drone to be used against us....

There are those to criticise me for Operation Fast and Furious, the Solyndra money laundering scheme, for unconstitutional recess appointments, and my signature achievement, Obamacare, which we could only pass because our leadership BRIBED THE HELL of our caucus to get it passed. To all of you who dare criticise ME, my friends at Attack Watch and the Service Employees International Union will be in touch.

As is the tradition, we have some special guests sitting next to the First Lady. Let me introduce them. First, is the man who pulls my strings, George Soros (Democrats cheer loudly). Next, is a guy who has made more visits to The White House than ANYBODY else, commie-unionista Andy Stern. Yes, we should get him to a post office, so he can fill a change-of-address card. We have an extra bedroom. Finally, seated next to my wonderful wife Michelle, is creepy mask guy from the Occupy Wall Street protests. Stand up and wave to the crowd, guys. (Democrats cheer).

While I was at Disney World, I made a speech, inviting foreign visitors to enjoy America's tourist spots. I want to keep those visitors around, long enough to get them registered to vote for me.

There are those on the other side of the aisle who refuse to raise taxes on the richest fat cats. All we want is just a little fairness. Just think what could I could achieve if my campaign could have laundered a BILLION DOLLARS through Solyndra, instead of a paltry half-billion dollars.

The oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, told me that his secretary pays more in taxes than he does! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats yell. 'NO!') And if the dirty Republicans get their way, that poor secretary will wind up dying in debtors prison! IS THAT FAIR?(The Democrats yell 'NO!') And Mitt Romney will enjoy firing the jailer. Nobody will be there to let her out! IS THAT FAIR? (The Democrats stand up, then turn to the Republicans, point at them, and 'boo' loudly).

Every American must ask themselves, 'Am I better off than I was four years ago?' I know that I AM! I know some Solyndra execs who are! (The Democrats cheer loudly).

I know that Nancy Pelosi is! Everybody at Light Squared is! The government public employee unions? HELL YEAH!

That's my time. I'm outta here! See you on Election Day"....(The Democrats cheer, then start chanting 'Barack Hussein Obama....mmm....mmm....mmm').

End of transcript.

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