Saturday, February 15, 2014

Fun Valentine's Day Facts With Debbie Downer

Wow, I didn't even know that Debbie Downer wrote for The New Republic. Yesterday we learned that the Valentine card you present to your honey is responsible for producing 18.5 grams of planet-choking CO2.

Here to present even more joy-stealing Valentine's Day facts is the writer of that TNR piece. Take it away, Debbie:

Thanks, RedSquirrel.

It's true. The Valentine's card you buy for your girlfriend or wife is responsible for 18.5 grams of CO2. (wha-wha)

Also, if you go to enjoy a romantic dinner, that chicken you're eating was probably tortured, and kept cooped up in a tiny cage in order to keep it from getting any exercise. (wha-wha)

If you bought your honey a box of chocolates, just remember that somebody raped Mother Earth extracting the chocolate, coconuts, and cherries. (wha-wha)

Valentine's Day is the one day of the year when most cases of venereal diseases are contracted. Also, feline AIDS is STILL the #1 KILLER OF CATS....(mmmmeeeeoowwww mmmmeeeeooowwww)

....and it's official. I can't have kids. (wha-wha)

Thank you, Debbie. Now please go away.

1 comment:

  1. On a similar note, the person who wrote the article about the Valentines Day cards wrote it for a magazine which has thousands of subscribers and uses tons (literally) more paper than your card. So, with all due respect, screw 'em. And tell Al-Earth's-Rectal-Thermometer-Gore to shovel my snow. Nice article, Joe.