My fellow Americans.
Mr. Speaker, Vice-President Biden, friends.....My fellow Americans..... The state of the union is strong because of me, and everything stinks....because of George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, and the extremist House of Representatives. (The Democrats 'boo' loudly)
I really believe that. If I believe it, it cannot be a lie.
This country has many challenges. The Republicans in Congress who stand in my way, mean-spirited voices like Rush Limbaugh, and also that pesky document called The Constitution. Damn that Constitution! (The Democrats stand and 'boo' loudly)
There is good news. My critic Dinesh D'Souza has been indicted, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is being investigated, and soon, CONSERVATIVES WILL HAVE TO REGISTER THEIR BLOGS! (The Democrats stand and cheer loudly).
Before I continue, I would like to introduce a few special guests seated with The First Lady. First, I would like you to give it up for Wilma Rotunda of Washington DC. She has successfully signed up with my Obamacare website, healthcare.gov.
WAY TO GO, WILMA!
Seated to Michelle's right is Angel Muguel De La Cruz Gonzalez, one of our Obamacare navigators! He's new to the country, and he's just an illegal alien with a dream! (The Democrats stand and cheer).
As I was lying on the beach in Hawaii during our last family vacay, I was thinking about all the poor, unfortunate little people who are having their health plans cancelled....Whoops! I meant 'TRANSITIONED.' I am so glad that my family and those in Congress have an exemption. Soon, millions of new illegal alien Democrat voters will have all their health care payed for. Of that, we can all be proud! (The Democrats stand and cheer loudly).
Yet, there is a creeping 'income inequality' that we must fight, and some Americans are still unemployed. That is why I will be proposing a New Obama Jobs Plan. We will be hiring 1,000,000 neighborhood snitches throughout America who will report back to me. We will also be hiring thousands of hard-working Americans who we will need to bury the schmucks killed by Obamacare. (The Democrats stand and cheer loudly).
We will also be renovating a few things. We will be hiring 10,000 workers who will demolish The Statue of Liberty, and replace it with The Statue of Julia.
We will also demolish The Washington Monument, and in it's place build The Great Sphinx of King Barack! (The Democrats stand and cheer wildly).
In closing, I am supremely confident that no matter what I do to this country, these spineless Republicans will do NOTHING TO STOP ME! JUST WATCH! I hereby confess to an amazing array of crimes committed against the American People. I stole a Connecticut man's Social Security number and falsified all my records. I've committed treason many times. I've sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers and f-16's to Muslim terrorists. I directed The IRS to harass my opponents, and gave aid and support to our enemies! In fact, I STOLE THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!
HEY REPUBLICANS, JUST TRY TO STOP ME!!!
That's my time. I'm outta here!