Your bushy-tailed reporter remembered election night 1994, when Newt and the gang stormed the congressional elections, sweeping both houses for the GOP. One of the fresh faces was a newcomer from Florida, named Joe Scarborough.
Fast forward to 2011. On the Leftist Hatefest that is MSDNC....Whoops....MSNBC, where hosts and guests alike fling the crap like poo-flinging monkeys, we have the same Joe Scarborough hosting the morning show, Morning Joe, with Zebignew Brzezinsky's little girl, Mika.
Or is he the same Joe Scarborough? One must wonder, 'What happened to Joe Scarborough?'
We at The RedSquirrel Report are hot on the trail of the real story of what happened to the former conservative from Florida.
We go back to 2001. Florida Representative Joe Scarborough suddenly decides to retire from Congress after only 3 full terms. Meanwhile, D.C. police call a local botanist. They are investigating an unusual pod-shaped object located in a large bush just outside the Florida Republican's office window.
The night before, several D.C.residents call the local police. Each of the callers reported seeing a naked man walking into one of the congressional buildings, describing the man having 'a very square head'.
In 2003, 'Scarborough Country' debuts. In 2007, 'Morning Joe' debuts on MSNBC.
Is Joe Scarborough a pod person? This phenomenon could also explain former conservative Ariana Huffington.
They're here. You're next.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
A Statement From Gloria Allred
We also fed some of Gloria Allred's statement through the Truthteller 3000.
Recently, I was out on my daily rounds (blowing my gym whistle loudly at male chauvanist pigs), when my new client, Sharon Bialek, contacted me at my office. I was glad that it wasn't Meg Whitman's housekeeper, who I used to derail Whitmen's Gubernatorial candidacy, I don't remember the housekeeper's name or where she was from. Somewhere south of the border, I believe. I had her sent back to her homeland.
Ms. Bialek came to me with a tale of shocking, boorish, downright MANLY behavior, and after my heart stopped palpatating, decided on the most headline-grabbing, self promoting way to get her story out.
I believe that Ms. Bialek is telling the truth, but that's not why we are here today. I want to embarrass the hell out of that dirty, uppity black Republican. Justice cries out for this woman. (ring) Excuse me, It's my cell phone.
(whispering) No, Juanita, I won't take your case. Stop calling me!
End transcript.
Recently, I was out on my daily rounds (blowing my gym whistle loudly at male chauvanist pigs), when my new client, Sharon Bialek, contacted me at my office. I was glad that it wasn't Meg Whitman's housekeeper, who I used to derail Whitmen's Gubernatorial candidacy, I don't remember the housekeeper's name or where she was from. Somewhere south of the border, I believe. I had her sent back to her homeland.
Ms. Bialek came to me with a tale of shocking, boorish, downright MANLY behavior, and after my heart stopped palpatating, decided on the most headline-grabbing, self promoting way to get her story out.
I believe that Ms. Bialek is telling the truth, but that's not why we are here today. I want to embarrass the hell out of that dirty, uppity black Republican. Justice cries out for this woman. (ring) Excuse me, It's my cell phone.
(whispering) No, Juanita, I won't take your case. Stop calling me!
End transcript.
The REAL Statement From Gloria Allred's New Client
We here at The RedSquirrel Report have fired up our Truthteller 3000, and have translated some of the newest Herman Cain accuser's statement. In part it reads:
My name is Sharon Bialek. Recently, I was watching the news, and discovered that Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain lead the field. These poll numbers suddenly triggered a disturbing memory of an encounter I had in 1997 with Mr. Cain.
Strangely, I never thought about coming forward when Mr. Cain was in LAST place in the polls.
In July 1997, I travelled to Washington D.C., seeking Mr. Cain's assistance in gaining employment. I had reserved a hotel room at the Capital Hilton, and was surprised to see that he had upgraded my hotel reservation, to a palatial suite. He were at The Capital Hilton offices, when suddenly, he reached his hand on my........
When I pulled away, asked me, "You want a job, right?"
Now, all I ask is that he admit to what he did, and do the right thing. Just like Illinois Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan did in 2004. Withdraw now from this race. As a proud, registered Republican, and tea party activist, I ask Mr. Cain to stop this candidacy, or risk denying our Messiah a second term that is needed to undo the mess that the previous administration created.
My name is Sharon Bialek. Recently, I was watching the news, and discovered that Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain lead the field. These poll numbers suddenly triggered a disturbing memory of an encounter I had in 1997 with Mr. Cain.
Strangely, I never thought about coming forward when Mr. Cain was in LAST place in the polls.
In July 1997, I travelled to Washington D.C., seeking Mr. Cain's assistance in gaining employment. I had reserved a hotel room at the Capital Hilton, and was surprised to see that he had upgraded my hotel reservation, to a palatial suite. He were at The Capital Hilton offices, when suddenly, he reached his hand on my........
When I pulled away, asked me, "You want a job, right?"
Now, all I ask is that he admit to what he did, and do the right thing. Just like Illinois Senatorial candidate Jack Ryan did in 2004. Withdraw now from this race. As a proud, registered Republican, and tea party activist, I ask Mr. Cain to stop this candidacy, or risk denying our Messiah a second term that is needed to undo the mess that the previous administration created.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
This Is Brian Ross, ABC News....
I've uncovered some shocking new allegations relating to Presidential Herman Cain's past dealings with women colleagues at the National Restaurant Association. In 1998, after looking directly at one female associate, the Republican Presidential candidate also smiled at the victim. When I asked the perp about this, Mr. Cain appeared to give a vague, noncommittal denial. We pointed out this lie, to which he was forced to admit that he probable did indeed look directly, AND SMILED, at the victim.
Next, we asked him about the 'five-figure' severance package awarded to another victim, the Republican Presidential candidate appeared to dodge the question. He appeared testy when I waved a piece of paper in his face. Amazingly, he didn't know the exact details of the severance package. After badgering him for several minutes, I got Mr. Cain to break the conditions of the confidentiality agreement.
I asked him if there were other details concerning this blatant pattern of harassment that he was hiding from the public. By now, the Republican candidate appeared beleaguered
Next, I asked the Republican hopeful if America is ready to elect a serial harasser for President. It was then, I could see steam come of his ears.
This is Brian Ross, ABC News. Diane, Back to you....
Next, we asked him about the 'five-figure' severance package awarded to another victim, the Republican Presidential candidate appeared to dodge the question. He appeared testy when I waved a piece of paper in his face. Amazingly, he didn't know the exact details of the severance package. After badgering him for several minutes, I got Mr. Cain to break the conditions of the confidentiality agreement.
I asked him if there were other details concerning this blatant pattern of harassment that he was hiding from the public. By now, the Republican candidate appeared beleaguered
Next, I asked the Republican hopeful if America is ready to elect a serial harasser for President. It was then, I could see steam come of his ears.
This is Brian Ross, ABC News. Diane, Back to you....
A Shocking Redsquirrel Report Expose'
We have learned not only that Presidential Candidate Herman Cain created a hostile work environment while he was President of The National Restaurant Association, He actually wrote a song about his exploits with female colleagues This song appears on a CD single, which is available on Amazon.com
The song is eerily similar to Van Halen's "Ice Cream Man". The lyrics are as follows:
I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep dish godfather of love
Yeah I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep thick dish godfather of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove
I am so saucy, tangy and hot
You'll love what this Godfather gots
I'm the pizza man, I'm your deep dish of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove
Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Come on, baby,
Don't break our confidentiality agreement
The song is eerily similar to Van Halen's "Ice Cream Man". The lyrics are as follows:
I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep dish godfather of love
Yeah I'm your pizza man, I'm your deep thick dish godfather of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove
I am so saucy, tangy and hot
You'll love what this Godfather gots
I'm the pizza man, I'm your deep dish of love
I'm so hot, baby, remember to wear a glove
Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Now one day, baby, I'll be running for president
Come on, baby,
Don't break our confidentiality agreement
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A Statement From Kim Kardashian
Dear fans:
As you all probably know by now, I have decided to end my 72-day marriage to NBA superstar Chris Humphries. While divorces are often messy, I've decided that writing Chris off of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was the best thing to do.
Yesterday, sister Chloe and I had an interesting discussion that involved the possibility of keeping the marriage together. We thought of opening up two phone lines:
1.800.111.1111 Don't divorce Chris Humphries
1.800.222.2222 Divorce Chris Humphries
I am already thinking about the future. The season finale of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, will feature our lawyers as they haggle over all the messy divorce stuff. Talk about must see t.v.!
I am also working on next season. Me and the family are narrowing down the field of potential new husbands. As usual, we will pick someone from the NBA or the NFL. We think that wide receiver Chad Ochocinco could bring some comedic relief to my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
There is a rumour floating around that I was thinking of picking O.J. Simpson. As you know, he was my superstar lawyerdad's client. We decided to pass on him, because he's a little too old. And he decapitated his wife a few years back. Still, marrying O.J. would've been ratings gold.
I thank all my fans for watching my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and for buying my Kim Kardashian merchandise. Keep watching.
Love.
Kim : )
As you all probably know by now, I have decided to end my 72-day marriage to NBA superstar Chris Humphries. While divorces are often messy, I've decided that writing Chris off of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, was the best thing to do.
Yesterday, sister Chloe and I had an interesting discussion that involved the possibility of keeping the marriage together. We thought of opening up two phone lines:
1.800.111.1111 Don't divorce Chris Humphries
1.800.222.2222 Divorce Chris Humphries
I am already thinking about the future. The season finale of my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, will feature our lawyers as they haggle over all the messy divorce stuff. Talk about must see t.v.!
I am also working on next season. Me and the family are narrowing down the field of potential new husbands. As usual, we will pick someone from the NBA or the NFL. We think that wide receiver Chad Ochocinco could bring some comedic relief to my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
There is a rumour floating around that I was thinking of picking O.J. Simpson. As you know, he was my superstar lawyerdad's client. We decided to pass on him, because he's a little too old. And he decapitated his wife a few years back. Still, marrying O.J. would've been ratings gold.
I thank all my fans for watching my show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and for buying my Kim Kardashian merchandise. Keep watching.
Love.
Kim : )
It's Feeding Time
About three weeks ago, dozens of wild, exotic animals were let loose from a wild animal preserve in Ohio. The owner set the animals loose, then killed himself.
I was watching the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests, and upon seeing the hateful, obnoxious signs that many of the professional demonstrators were carrying, a curious thought entered my mind:
What would've happened had the location of the wild animal preserve been, say in upstate New York? Perhaps we would be reading this:
Attracted by the powerful smell of urine, dozens of wild animals rampaged through New York City's Zuccotti Park, and devoured hundreds of sign-carrying demonstrators. The animals had escaped from a wild game refuge in rural, upstate New York.
"Yeah, me an' some of my officers had to kill several Bengal tigers. They were all over some college students over there", Officer Tony Andriotti said, looking at a torn sign which read, 'I Can't Pay Off My College Loans'.
"Looks like they don't have to worry about those loans anymore", the New York cop said, staring at the sign.
Officer Bobby Piccolo looked at another battered, bloody sign, which read 'Eat The Rich'.
"Wow, now THAT'S ironic", he muttered, picking up the sign with two fingers.
I was watching the 'Occupy Wall Street' protests, and upon seeing the hateful, obnoxious signs that many of the professional demonstrators were carrying, a curious thought entered my mind:
What would've happened had the location of the wild animal preserve been, say in upstate New York? Perhaps we would be reading this:
Attracted by the powerful smell of urine, dozens of wild animals rampaged through New York City's Zuccotti Park, and devoured hundreds of sign-carrying demonstrators. The animals had escaped from a wild game refuge in rural, upstate New York.
"Yeah, me an' some of my officers had to kill several Bengal tigers. They were all over some college students over there", Officer Tony Andriotti said, looking at a torn sign which read, 'I Can't Pay Off My College Loans'.
"Looks like they don't have to worry about those loans anymore", the New York cop said, staring at the sign.
Officer Bobby Piccolo looked at another battered, bloody sign, which read 'Eat The Rich'.
"Wow, now THAT'S ironic", he muttered, picking up the sign with two fingers.
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