We Have Obtained A Copy Of Michelle Obama's Commencement Speech

Did you hear that First Lady Michelle Obama's high school commencement speech in Kansas was cancelled?

Luckily, we here at The RedSquirrel Report have obtained a copy of her speech: 

Greetings, Children of The Corn!

I was surprised to learn that everything is in color here in Kansas. I was under the impression that once you crossed the border into Kansas, everything was in black and white.

Before I get started, I would like to give a shout-out to your former Governor and our former Director of Health and Human Services, KATHLEEN SEBELIUS!!!

You may put all those middle fingers down.

I am SO pleased to be here. I see that most of you are not MORBIDLY OBESE, and you have ME to thank. It looks like my HEALTHY EATING PROGRAM has worked very well indeed.

Hey, didn't I tell you to put those middle fingers down?

As you graduate today, and spend the next 30 years of your life in your Mom's basement, drinking hot cocoa in your plaid onesie, just remember this:

There is nothing more important than serving my husband. There are great government jobs with The Obama Regime. Why, you can be a neighborhood snitch, and I understand that my husband is hiring thousands of IRS agents and Obamacare navigators to harass and rob the American people....

....and soon, we will need guards for the FEMA camps as we imprison my husband's critics, so apply now!

Just don't join the military, especially if you're a Christian.

There is a future for you as long as you learn to speak Chinese.....also, if you don't insult the prophet Mohammad....and you're enrolled in Obamacare.....and you don't criticize my husband's regime....

Oh, and you don't say anything that can be construed as racist....even in the privacy of your own home....

....or contribute to any state proposition which supports traditional marriage.

....and remember, don't cross the Bureau of Land Management.

But, if you want to work for my husband, just go to Journalism School. If you don't mind sucking up to my husband, get a job at CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, or Media Matters. We also have room for you at Organizing For America.

Well, that's my time. I have to get out of here, and begin another taxpayer-funded, multi-million dollar vacay.

I'm out.