Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ralph Wiggum: I Like Common Core

We here The RedSquirrel Report believe in giving equal time to both sides in the Common Core debate, so we have invited a student from the Springfield School District to tell us about the benefits of the new Common Core education standards.

We've cleaned up the spelling:

Thank you, Mr. Squirrel,

My name is Ralph. I go to elementary school here in Springfield. Our Supernintendo Chalmers says hello to your readers.

I've heard some scary lies about Common Core, like they are trying to brainwash and indoctrimate us. That's unpossible. Common Core has already improved my English.

That's just those racist meanies who didn't vote for the Messiah, Barack Hussein Obama talking.

Barack Hussein Obama....Mmmm....mmmm....mmmm....

Also, the new math standards are easily applied to real life. Example: If I had 10 crayons, and ate half of them, how many crayons did I munch?

Does anyone have a pencil sharpener? I'm still working on that one. I also have a tummy ache.

I heard about a scary man in New Hampshire who was arrested at that school board meeting last week because he kept speaking out of turn. He seems angry with the government. My teacher says people like him own guns.

I hope the government keeps an eye on him. He looks like a troublemaker.

Common Core is great because the government takes great interest in my parent's political affiliation, how much my Dad makes, and how many guns he has.

It's nice to know the government cares.

Ralph Wiggum

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