Carnak The Magnificent---News Analyst

Today we are pleased to welcome our new news analyst from the East. He is a mystic seer, soothsayer, and former political advisor for Senatorial candidate Todd Akin. I present to you, my readers....Carnak The Magnificent!

I hold in my hands the envelopes. As even a low-information voter can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically-sealed. They have been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon yesterday.


No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but he, in his borderline divine and mystical way, will make sense of what is contained in these envelopes. Here we go:

Carnak holds the first envelope to his head:
Mr. Potato Head, Rand Paul, and John McCain (He opens the envelope)..........Name a spud, a stud, and a dud.

Carnak holds the second envelope to his head:
A highway, a chicken, and Kim Jong Un (He opens the envelope).............Name something tarred, something feathered, and someone who should be tarred and feathered.

Thank you, oh wise news analyst from the East. Don't trip over your robe.