Thursday, February 24, 2011

Funnyman Jon Lovitz Tries Drama

Former SNL star Jon Lovitz will star as Supreme Court Associate Justice Elena Kagen in a biopic scheduled to be televised on Lifetime next Summer. Lovitz talked to the entertainment press on Wednesday, stating that this will be a challenging role. "Yeah, I've been looking to do a dramatic role. I'll have to 'butch-up' a bit".

Chicago Mayoral Election Wrap-Up

On Tuesday, the voters spoke, and elected former Obama Chief Of Staff Rahm Emanuel the next Mayor of Chicago. The RedSquirrel Report sent a team of pollsters to Chicago in order to conduct an exit poll. We learned that Emanuel recieved 45% of the "dead-voters" vote, about 43% of the "vote early-vote often (yuk yuk)" vote, and roughly 40% of the "Ya better vote for Rahm or we'll bust your head/municipal employees" vote.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A New Name For The Metrodome....

Today, the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission voted to give the Mall Of America Metrodome a new name. Until the commission can manage to fix the roof, the stadium will be dubbed The R.T. Rybek FallenSouffle'Dome, named in honor of the current mayor.

My 4-Word Editorial....

A couple weeks ago, President Obama sent his budget proposal to Congress. Here at The RedSquirrel Report, we believe that brevity is the soul of....something, so here's our 4-word editorial: Are You Effing Kidding?

From Page 6,297

 In 1997, Soros escaped from the fiery pit, and resumed his dream of building his own army of demons. He went on a date with a New York secretary named Lois Peruzzi, and got her pregnant on their first date. He recalled the visit to the doctor, where he got the joyous news. However, the 24-year old woman fainted when the doctor yelled, "Congratulations. OCTOMOM!" She woke up, realizing that during her 2-week dizzy spell, where she was also drugged by one of Soros' generals, that they were married. Soros would later reminisce in a creepy, Hungarian accent, on the wedding:
"My bride had that beautiful glow. You know, the glow you get from a Jack-O-Lantern? There we were, cutting the cake-with a little groom with devil horns and a little bride that cried blood (stigmata) on top of the wedding cake. Also, what with my dietary requirements, I couldn't have a cake covered with frosting or marzipan, so I ordered the cake be covered with spider crap.The wedding was beautiful (oh no, I just vomited in my mouth there. It happens when I say 'beautiful'). I also got all of her bridesmaids pregnant. No-waitaminnut. I got only three bridesmaids pregnant. I got the other two pregnant on our honeymoon...."
When Lois Peruzzi's water broke, her birth canal caught fire, and eight spawn exploded out of her. Each one had horns and pitchforks.

I'm Working On A Biography On George Soros

As Winter draws to an end, your intrepid Red Squirrel is bored with hybernation. It can be disclosed that I have been working on an unauthorized biography of financier/ Dem sugardaddy George Soros. My research has really taken me places that I never thought I would go. He is a very interesting figure in modern American history. I was going to write a 300-400 page book, yet when I learned that the dark lord of the netherworld has actually lived about 12 lifetimes, and that the character Vigo the Capathian from "Ghostbusters 2" was loosely based on him, my 300-page book ballooned to an astounding 6,666 pages, with 666 footnotes. In the following weeks, I will post some passages from my manuscript.

That Sucking Sound You Hear....

In a scene resembling the Alfred Hitchcock classic, "Vertigo", Governor Mark Dayton (aka/ Governor Crazy Eyes) recently gave his State Of The State address, where he stated that he wants the job creators of Minnesota to be taxed MORE. As he spoke, a vortex appeared around his head.Scientists believe that the spinning vortex is a black hole that will suck jobs out Minnesota-to her neighbors, yet the governor assured the people of the gopher state that the overtaxed won't mind even higher taxes, and that if you're an overtaxed entrepreneur, you will not leave the state if he raises your taxes.

...And In Sports Entertainment News....

Watch out, WWE and UFC, The WTF is coming! The Fox Network is bringing World Transvestite Fighting to prime time t.v. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A Redsquirrel Exclusive!

As thousands of protesters gather in Madison, Wisconsin, we here at The Redsquirrel Report have uncovered the real motivation behind this event. Earlier in the week, our roving correspondent spoke to dozens of hooky-playing teachers on the scene, and discovered that many of these teachers were perfectly satisfied with their job. In fact, one of them said " Hell! I make almost $70,000 a year, for nine month's work. My benes are way better than that in the private sector! Our union bosses are making out like bandits, and public sector unions are bankrupting the country! Me and my friends thought it would be fun to call in sick, although at the last minute we went with the 'dead grandmother' excuse. Later on, we're going to an art museum.

It's All About You,Isn't It!....


obamas not on prince william wedding list....

In Lybya Today....

The government cracked down on protests with machine gun fire and missiles, but in Lybyan entertainment news, the official state-run television network has announced that it's most popular cartoon, "KaDaffy Duck", will return for it's 29th season.

And In Entertainment News....

ABC announces that champion skier Peekaboo Street will join the cast of a new medical drama, centering on the workings inside an intensive care unit. The series is tentatively titled "Peekaboo I.C.U.". The program will debut this Summer.
 Here are a few more doodlings from our resident cartoonist.

                                                               This Means War
                                                               Spiral Piranha

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Here's Some Of Joe The Cartoonist's Work

Here's some work by our resident artist, Joe. If you think that Joe could design your next album cover, or illustrate your next book, you can contact him at

And In "Keeping It Dry" News....

The Depends Company, makers of adult undergarments, is using "Green Onions", by Booker T And The M.G.'s for their new commercial ad. They were going to use "Here I Go Again" by hard-rocking 80's hair-metal band Whitesnake, but lead singer David Coverdale threatened a lawsuit. (Disclaimer: That line about David Coverdale isn't really true. I'm only joking) : )

Loon Of The Week

When the geniuses at 1280 The Patriot took NARN's  First Team off the air (Brian "St. Paul" Ward and John Hinderacker), you would guess that the Loon Of The Week segment would also end. Guess again. We at The RedSquirrel Report have our own Longfellow Loon to bestow our own "Loon Of The Week" award. And so, I give the floor to my colleague.

"LOOOLOOOLOOOOLOOOOOLOOOOOLOOOO!!!! Thank you, RedSquirrel! This week's Loon Of The Week Award goes to the saints in the public sector unions in Wisconsin! While that cruel new Governor strips our brother and sisters of their collective bargaining rights, the poor children will lose out! LOOLOOOLOOOOLOOOOLOOO!  Also, President for life Barack Obama deserves a Loon Of The Week award for bussing hundreds of union, I mean....Organizing For America activists to stop the evil Republicans from destroying public education in the badger state.  LOOOLOOOLOOOOOLOOOOOLOOOOO!!"

Thank you, Longfellow Loon. Well said.

Hammertime At The Oaktown Airport

If this hasn't happened yet, it should.
Oakland, CA.-At a nearby airport, where dozens of unhappy passengers were in the process of being groped and touched inappropriately by TSA agents, a man with extremely baggy pants broke out of the line, and in front of the large, female TSA employee, who closely resembled Big Shirley from the popular 1970's comedy "What's Happening!" began shouting "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" The agent looked around the room, as the other passengers hummed a Rick James bass line. The agent told the man to quit, to which he replied "I''M 2 LEGIT! 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT!".
Then the airport security arrived on the scene.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How Good Is Miranda Lambert?

We here at The Redsquirrel Report have analyzed how good the latest album by Miranda Lambert, 'Revolution', is. This album is like a  Major League baseball player hitting 147 home-runs in a season.

When I Buy A Racehorse, I'll Know What To Name Him....

Last week, the powers that be in Ft. Wayne, Indiana decided not to name their new city building after their former mayor, the Hon. Harry Baals.

Huffington Post Sold To AOL

Last week, Ariana Huffington sold The Huffington Post to AOL for $315 million. I've decided to sell my facebook wall. The bidding starts at $1.7 billion. I did a study of the comparative worth of some local, on-line media entities.
Shot In The Dark Blog should be worth $13.8 billion
Nihilist In Golf Pants Blog should be worth about $11.4 billion
James Lileks Daily Bleat....about $7.9 billion

Congrats To Speaker John Boehner

A hearty congratulations goes out to new House Speaker John Boehner from us at The RedSquirrel Report. Our fearless leader has gone 42 days without crying in public.

The top 10 Obama Egypt Policy Changes before Hosni Mubarak finally left

Welcome to Egyptapalooza 2011. After about two weeks of demonstrations,  it looks like Hosni Mubarak  tapped out last Friday. For a while there, it looked like the hapless Obama Administration had a policy change du jour regarding Egypt. No doubt, Hosni Mubarak was probably humming The Clashes 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go?' to himself for a while there. In the spirit of one of my favorite local blogs, The Nihilist In Golf Pants, I give you, my reader, a top 10 list.

The Top 10 Obama Policy Changes Concerning Egypt:
10. Hosni Mubarak must leave immediately
  9. Hosni Mubarak should leave soon.
  8. Hosni Mubarak must stay.
  7. Hosni Mubarak can stick around until a new dictator is elected.
  6. Hosni Mubarak can stay indefinately if he can violently quash the protests.
  5. Hosni Mubarak could stay until The Groovie Ghoolies reform, then perform at Woodstock 4.
  4. Hosni Mubarak needs to stay until a George Soros-approved dictator replaces him.
  3. Hosni Mubarak can stick around until somebody worse comes around.
  2. Hosni Mubarak can leave when Colonel Klink yells ,"Diss-missed!"
  1. Hosni Mubarak can stay until his kid wants the job, or until Al-Queda kills him and desecrates his corpse.Whatever comes first.

A blog is born

Welcome. Let me introduce myself. I am The Red Squirrel. I reside in South Minneapolis. I'm not really a squirrel, just a new blogger. It took me about two weeks to give myself that  'handle'. I am a registered Republican, hence the 'red'. I identfy with squirrels. I'm moderately industrious, I try to save a few nuts, keep a roof , or tree, over my head, and I don't want the government giving me stuff, or taking it away. Dig?
This blog features my take on the news of the day. I'll make some of you laugh. I have two friends helping me out. My liberal friend, Longfellow Loon, and Joe the cartoonist. Longfellow Loon is like Alan Colmes. He'll swoop by occassionally. The cartoons on this little blog will be done by Joe. If you want some album cover artwork done, or if you're looking for illustrations for your book, you can contact him.
I have a short attention span, so most of my posts will probably be under three paragraphs. I'll have more later. Thank you.