The Ballad Of Hunter (The Seven-Year-Old Boy Accused Of Sexual Harassment)

Did you hear about that seven-year-old kid in Colorado who was suspended from school for kissing his female classmate on the hand? For some reason I think of the song El Paso by Marty Robbins when I think about Hunter's Story:

Hunter's a student in a grade school in Colorado
He made the mistake of kissing a GIRL
His little classmate and he were on a playground
She giggled and gave her hair a twirl

He kissed the hand of the young maiden
The two of them were just seven years old
Hunter said that they were boyfriend and girlfriend
Their classmates saw this and their blood runneth cold

They squawked and squealed on little Hunter
Off to the pricipal's office he was se......nn....nnn....nnnt
We'll suspend you from school you little monster
The kid was charged with SEXUAL HARASSMENT

This isn't how boys are supposed to act in Colorado
If it was 'same sex' it would then be just fine
But you kissed a girl and that is a no-no
Showing affection here is crossing the line

Hunter must serve a good, long suspension
We must now rob him of his joy
Next thing we know he will go rape somebody
We have to stop him from being a boy

The liberal teachers want to teach Hunter a lesson
Don't you ever kiss a young grrr--rrr--rrr---rrrlll
Or we'll throw you out of this school
We warn you, don't give it a whirl

There's three assistants to the left of Hunter 
and a school psychologist on the right
saying 'We will call your Mom to our office, Buster.'
You are in really big trouble, get out of our sight

Before young Hunter is to serve his suspension
He sees teardrops running down his girl's cheeks
He says 'The liberal weirdos cannot hurt our friendship
Just one kiss and....

See you in.......two.....weeks....'

Sock Puppet Monkey Disarmed (Situation Averted)

A potentially dangerous situation was averted at The Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport last week, as 7-year-old Ralphy Jacobson tried to sneak his little sock puppet through airport security.

The sock puppet monkey had a little holster with tiny gun accessories.

Luckily, intrepid TSA Agent Ahmed Al-Alalal-Alal spotted the weapons, and alerted airport police. He explains:

His mom and dad were having their luggage inspected, and I noticed the offending toy monkey with what looked like tiny guns in the little holster. He should have known about our zero-tolerance policy.

I calmly called an airport cop, who inspected the gun-shaped toys. He told the boy to 'drop the monkey', and step away.

The boy seemed confused, so the cop yelled louder. The boy dropped his little monkey, and it looked like he was about to start crying. His parents gave the cop a dirty glare, then comforted their son.

We disposed of the tiny, gun-shaped accessories, and took the monkey. Chances are, it's in our no-no box, full of shampoos and stuff. One of our agents will probably take it home.

Come to think of it, that little sock puppet would make a great Christmas present.

Valerie Jarrett Looks Forward To 2014

It is that time of year when we look forward to the upcoming year, and we thought there would be no one better to tell the American people what to expect in 2014 than Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett:

On Election Night 2012, The President told his supporters that 'The best is yet to come.' I told you that soon 'there will be hell to pay,' for all our enemies. In 2014, both statements will come true.

We are fundamentally transforming America in much the same way I 'fundamentally transformed' Grove Parc Plaza. Soon, America will look like a bombed-out ghetto.

We have gutted the funding for America's veterans, and soon we will have Amnesty for 20,000,000 illegal immigrants. This means that we Democrats will own the country forever and ever and ever. We are persecuting and purging Christians from the military, and will soon have our 'national civilian security force' to do whatever Barack wants.

Obamacare will be enforced even if it crumbles under it's own weight. Millions upon millions of Americans are having their healthcare plans cancelled by those 'crooked' insurance companies. Millions more are having their hours cut back by their eeeevil employers. Our Obamacare 'navigators' are 'helping' the people sign up for this monstrosity.....uh....I mean....program.

We won't guarantee that your information will be safe. Maybe what everybody needs is an RFID microchip implanted in your wrist or forehead.

Soon, all of you will be wards of the state, dependent on Medicaid.

The administration snooped on The American People with The NSA, and harassed our opponents using The IRS. We sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers and lied about what happened in Benghazi. Those establishment Republican eunuchs won't do anything to stop us!

OUR government schools are teaching your little crumb-crunchers that Barack Obama is 'The Messiah.' and to be compliant little government Obots, willing to surrender all their freedoms for an Obamaphone.

Now, all this is already known, but The Obama Regime has some exciting news for you in 2014.

We will begin work on a $634,000,000 Sphinx, dedicated to King Barry. We're thinking about demolishing The Washington Memorial to make room.

We're planning to discontinue The Gregorian Calender, and replace it with The Obama Calender. The new months will be Obamuary, Obruary, Obarch, Obpril, Obay, Obune, Obuly, Obgust, Obtember, Obtober, Obvember, and Obcember.

In 2013, we closed veteran memorials. In 2014, we replace The World War 2 Memorial with The Statue of The Part-Time Worker. We will replace The Statue of Liberty with The Statue of 'Julia'.

We will replace all the American flags in the White House with Islamic prayer rugs.

There are rumors that we will be opening FEMA prison camps in 2014. I just want to re-assure The American People that this is just a rumor. For now.

But first, we have to figure out how to take away your guns.

Sister Mary Knuckles: CommieCore Is Satan's Lesson Plan

And now, Our Faith and Religion Correspondent is here to share somes thoughts on the new federal CommonCore educational standards. Take it away, Sister Mary Knuckles:

God bless, you snickering little rodent reporter.

CommieCore is the new national educational standards, brought to America by the spirit of Anti-Christ himself. Little children are mandated to sing the praises of the mulatto Marxist creep in The White House. In one perverse, wicked textbook, Barack Hussein Obama is referred to as 'THE MESSIAH.'

To people of faith, it is deeply blasphemous.

If he's The Messiah, then my fellow Catholics pray to Mother Madalyn Murray O' Hare. God forgive us.

Someone should inform these un-American weirdos that normal Americans don't worship their politicians. The last time I checked, this wasn't North Korea. We defeated Hitler and opposed the commies, and now America is indoctrinating her young people in the same, sickening manner.

In another lesson plan straight from Hell, children learn that the government is always right and must always be obeyed.

Tell that to the Native Americans who experienced the 'trail of tears.' I suggest that educators check out the new book by Glenn Beck 'Miracles And Massacres.' then tell me if you STILL believe the government is always right.

It's time to scrap CommieCore, and let people control their own education locally.

Until then, put your Satan-worshipping hands on your desk so I can smack 'em bloody, you bureaucrat bastards.

Red Forman: Pajama Boy Needs A Kick In The Ass

Our strange, unamerican President has introduced normal America to 'Pajama Boy', a smirking, onesie-wearing hipster-douche in a new effort to sell ObamaCare to young people.

Our correspondent Red Forman is here for some insight concerning this development:

What can I say? I carried a really big gun in Korea, and this effeminate douche can barely lift his tiny cup of cocoa with both hands. This jerk-off must have Carpel-Tunnel Syndrome.

Apparently, our president believes that this will be an effective way to sell Obamacare to the young people. I'm starting to get REALLY concerned for the future of this country if this is what the leader of the free world thinks of our young people.

In this weird ad, Pajama Boy advises Americans to 'wear pajamas', 'drink some hot chocolate', and 'talk' about health care. I wonder if this knucklehead has ever had a job, or ever crawls out of his pillow-fort.

He probably thinks that being an annoying onesie-wearing weirdo is a full-time job.

I can just imagine Christmas dinner with this doofus. My all-American wife, Kitty has cooked a kick-ass dinner, and I'm kicking back with Cousin Bob and his son Sluggo who's home from Iraq....

 ....and this annoying jack-ass in his jammies hijacks the conversation. He wants free healthcare. He has a crush on Barry.

Finally, I can't take it anymore. I tell him to go sit at the kid's table, while us ADULTS discuss the real-life HORRORS of Obamacare.

I thought my son Eric was an idiot. My son Eric looks like Douglas MacArthur compared to this insipid weirdo.

Pajama Boy needs a kick in the ass. That's all for now.

Congratulations To Politifact's Liar Of The Year

Congratulations to President Barack H. Obama, winner of Politifact's 'Lie of the Year' award. The biggest liar of them all said "If you like your health plan, you will be able to keep it."

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that Obama deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Exclusive: The Fake Sign Language Interpreter Was Telling THE TRUTH

Following President Obama's speech at The Nelson Mandela Memorial, people noticed that the sign language interpreter standing next to The President wasn't signing what Obama was 'saying'. To the trained eye, it was just gibberish.

However, we here at The RedSquirrel Report have made a shocking discovery. We have learned that the interpreter was a member of a tribe in South Africa who speak ONLY in this secret sign language. This tribe without a name also are experts in mind-reading, capable of seeing through the spoken word. They know EXACTLY what a speaker is really saying.

Our resident code-breaker has deciphered this secret sign language, and we now know what President Obama actually said:

Thank you........thanks......sit down, please.......A woman in section 24D row 14 just fainted. Give her some space....Thanks.

We are here to honor a great man. ME!

Seriously, though. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned by an evil white government in South Africa for 27 hellish years. I too have spent a considerable amount of time surrounded by criminals in a seething hive of evil-doers. We call this place The United States Senate.

Nelson Mandela was released, and we honor him because he DID NOT KILL the white devils who imprisoned him. He didn't sic The IRS or The NSA against them. He gave up terrorism. Mandela was a saint.

In fact, he and wife Winny gave NECKLACES to his enemies.

In many ways, the democracy Mandela created in South Africa is the envy of the world. But there again, he didn't have to deal with FOX NEWS.

Right wing racist meanies like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are still a threat to race relations worldwide, so we still have a long way to go. I have 'hope and change' as well as 'dreams from my father' that keep me going.

Meanwhile, rampaging Black youths in America avenge America's Jim Crow tradition by targeting elderly white victims. The law calls it 'assault'. We call it 'The Knock-out Game.' Tomato tomado.

It's a shame that many white American racists wouldn't vote for me, so my team had to steal the 2012 election. I was forced to disenfranchise our military voters serving overseas, using to IRS to harass our enemies, as we engaged in rampant vote fraud.

Recently, racist country artists Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley made fun of my greatest achievement, Obamacare, on The CMAs. Contemporary Country Music is the new White Power Movement.

We cannot wallow in hate. I have a dream that one day little, brainwashed children will be mandated by the state to proclaim ME as their messiah in government schools....

Oh wait! That day is already here! Thanks, CommonCore!

Racist White Latino George Zimmerman gunned down unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin. I often wonder what Nelson Mandela would have thought about Zimmerman. I believe that Mandela would have forgiven him, put a tire around him, then set him on fire.

Well, that's my time. I have some 'selfies' to commemorate this occasion. Peace out!